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Brain is working overtime - constant worrying i'm not good enough for Buddhism...
Hi peeps!
Since I read the first book I bought on Buddhism, I have been enthralled by it. I finally feel I have found guidance on how to live my life to the full and making others around me happier than I did before (like being less of a grump!)
I meditate a couple of times a week which I feel I should improve on and read books on Buddhism every day to engage myself in the philosophy - particularly on the train before work as a way of preparing myself for work and mindfulness. I appreciate these things alone will not lead to enlightenment and this isn't the ultimate goal. However, whenever I pick up one of the books, sit down to meditate or even attempt to follow the 8-fold path, the same worry pops up in my head - that I am not good enough to be a Buddhist nor will I ever master right speech, right mind etc.
I feel even worrying now is wrong and my anxiety is growing. Does anyone feel like this or ever felt like this?
I'm 25 now and aware that I have done some ridiculous and horrible things in my past (not like murder or anything like that). I'm now scared that any sangha or group near me will reject me on the basis that I'm a bit of a fool, with bleached hair,tattoos and a broad Leeds accent - will I be taken seriously?
I'm reading a book on Buddhist psychology at the moment but often feel guilty reading it as I feel I have all the traits that a Buddhist should strive to avoid having. I've always been a very deep and somewhat introspective person - but my brain keeps telling me i'm an insult to any Buddhist community.
How do I overcome this self-deprecating feeling that only intensifies when I learn more about Buddhism? I'm so sorry for ranting, I just needed to get that off my chest. And even now I feel guilty for wanting that! Help!
Since I read the first book I bought on Buddhism, I have been enthralled by it. I finally feel I have found guidance on how to live my life to the full and making others around me happier than I did before (like being less of a grump!)
I meditate a couple of times a week which I feel I should improve on and read books on Buddhism every day to engage myself in the philosophy - particularly on the train before work as a way of preparing myself for work and mindfulness. I appreciate these things alone will not lead to enlightenment and this isn't the ultimate goal. However, whenever I pick up one of the books, sit down to meditate or even attempt to follow the 8-fold path, the same worry pops up in my head - that I am not good enough to be a Buddhist nor will I ever master right speech, right mind etc.
I feel even worrying now is wrong and my anxiety is growing. Does anyone feel like this or ever felt like this?
I'm 25 now and aware that I have done some ridiculous and horrible things in my past (not like murder or anything like that). I'm now scared that any sangha or group near me will reject me on the basis that I'm a bit of a fool, with bleached hair,tattoos and a broad Leeds accent - will I be taken seriously?
I'm reading a book on Buddhist psychology at the moment but often feel guilty reading it as I feel I have all the traits that a Buddhist should strive to avoid having. I've always been a very deep and somewhat introspective person - but my brain keeps telling me i'm an insult to any Buddhist community.
How do I overcome this self-deprecating feeling that only intensifies when I learn more about Buddhism? I'm so sorry for ranting, I just needed to get that off my chest. And even now I feel guilty for wanting that! Help!
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Comments
I'm sorry to hear of your problems, especially because there is no reason for it! The fact that we are not perfect, that's exactly why Buddhism exists. If we weren't already 'good enough', why practice in the first place? It's about improving ourselves, we don't start off enlightened or even close to that. So nomatter what you have done, it's fine. It's absolutely perfect to be a Buddhist.
You said you never commited murders or something like that, but in the time of the Buddha, there were murderers who did got accepted by the Buddha and eventually got enlightened! So what we have done in the past is no guarantee on what this life will give. If we are cincere in our practice, it'll all gradually but slowly come together.
Also right speech, action etc is a slow process. Just be happy with everytime that you can avoid lying, harse speech, divisive talk, gossip etc. Recognize those moments, that's where the advancement of the practice lies. Slowly but surely those moments will become more natural.
Let me tell you a secret that a lot of Buddhists have quite some trouble with a lot of assets of the practice as well.
So know that you are absolutely fine to practice Buddhism. You can also practice metta meditation to embrace yourself as you really are.
I hope this can help you in any way.
With metta,
Sabre
Don't beat yourself up please!
We do not stumble into Buddhism because we have found that we are as happy as we could ever be.
Buddhism is all about science of the mind.
These things are quite common.
Most from where I am from (United States) have some extreme self defeating patterns going on and have had them for a long time.
You must be aware before you can change. That is an amazing thing that you have awareness of shortcomings and what have you but when it gets to a point like where you are at you need to research the antidotes to such negative behavior.
Berating oneself provides no merit.
It harms everybody just as if you are happy it helps everybody.
I think that most people go through a similar phase as to what you are in now a kind of glum de dum "All life is suffering" phase.
If you go to a Buddhist center you will not see people moping around miserable in the hell realms!
You will be welcomed as you are! Your hair will grow out and you don't have to bleach it again if you don't want to and you could save up for tatoo removal if you didn't want those either. Those things are skin deep and are not you to begin with. It is karma and can be changed.
We have all made mistakes.. I used to smoke crack and live in a mental prison that got worse everyday.
Do you think I stumbled into Buddhism happy joyous and free?
Nope
I am happy today though and am soooooooooooooooooooooooo grateful for all that I have been through because it got me to exactly where I need to be.
Right here, right now.
It is amazing.. wouldn't change a thing.
Keep talking about it and if you are near a Buddhist center please don't be shy.
GO!!
Yeah, we all have our own problems. Some self-doubt, but others have other things to face that those with self-doubt don't.
So welcome aboard.
:dunce:
Then you'll see that you're not alone. All the energies in you. Everything the good and bad. We all suffer and we all find some resolution to that suffering.
But go see that you are not alone in whatever you feel or experience!
We all love you and embrace you in all your complexity.
I'm serious.
Make a mistake ... correct a mistake. No criticism necessary.
Practice will cope with the interior critic.
you already are good enough to be a Buddhist
i mean
you are already a Buddhist
you have all the qulities that a Buddhist should have
continue reading Buddhist books and try to practice five precept:
try not to kill (even little creatures)
if you kill a creature unintentionally do not worry about it, just try not it happens again
try not to steal
try to have one partner
try not to tell lies
try not to be intoxicated
if you can manage the above you are a Buddhist to the full extent
meditation will help you to calm your mind and to see the value of above five precepts and much of the things of 'the life'
My, this e-hugging is contagious.
Just remember one thing the Buddha took this murderous person as his disciple.
I can't recall his name at this moment.
It is your desperate need which I name, piety is the basic requirement to take the Buddhism to your heart.
Pema Chodron from The Pocket Pema Chodron
... Pirates are even welcome!
I have 9 tattoos, I've bleached and coloured my hair on more than several occasions, and have an accent that could cut glass.
so what? Your brain isn't very nice, is it?
Tell you what, swap it with a politician's... that one's never been used.... If you didn't have anything to be guilty about, you'd feel guilty for not having anything to feel guilty about, then you'd feel guilty for feeling guilty.... isn't that so....?
Here's a suggestion: when your brain creeps up on you like that - it's very simple:
Tell it to piss off.
Then just carry on reading.
works like a charm.
Welcome!!
Your average 'Buddhist' punter is still human. Everything you think and experience will have been experienced by someone interested in Buddhism before you. Please don't think all Buddhists are spiritual giants; we're/they're not! We still lust, get attached to stuff, lose our temper, say daft things, get embarrassed, feel awkward and suffer with anxiety (and probably lots of other stuff).
But the longer we practise the better able we are to deal with this stuff... sometimes!
And here, I'm a Japanese looking guy with a very strong Geordie accent, (they used to call me Whey-Aye-Banzai in the army; cheeky gimps) living in South East Wales, and the Buddhists I know all treat me very kindly. Try not to worry what others think of you, you can't possibly know, and it doesn't really matter if you know in heart you're doing the right thing.
In one way, the 'worse' you are, the more you will 'benefit' from practice - all the more reason to practice.
Worrying isn't wrong any more than it's right - it isn't the best thing for your health however.
What does it matter if others take you seriously or not, if you know what you are about?
You may be facing a mini-rebellion - your brain is clever - it knows when you are trying to mould it - sometimes it doesn't see the benefit... sometimes, a side effect of focused consideration is that issues that are suppressed come to the surface - dont be alarmed - take it easy on yourself, be kind to yourself and allow yourself space to work on the issues that arise - you may find that you will skirt around issues a number of times, each time finding a different way to shoulder the burdens... only by carrying the burden can you best determine how best to deal with it.
well, if you study Buddha's teachings, then you will see that as per Buddha's teachings - all conditioned phenomena are impermanent(anicca), suffering(dukkha) and non-self(anatta). so your worry that - 'you are not good enough' - will get thrashed into pieces, as there is no 'you' to begin the story and so 'you' have not done anything - this does not imply that since 'you' do not exist, so you should kill yourself and this also does not imply that you will not bear the fruits of your past and present actions - but this concept of anatta suggests that these are phenomena or processes, which arise due to their conditions arising and cease due to their conditions ceasing and these processes are empty of any entity in and of itself.
you worry because you cling to the idea that 'you' have done that past act and also cling to the past act itself. so Buddha suggested of letting go of everything, which is what is to be done in meditation. moreover, the past act over which you are currently worrying was done in past and is over - so there is no way to change that past act - instead holding onto that past act is not allowing you to be in present moment, rather creating anxiety in you in present moment, so harming you from two ways. That is why, Buddha's teachings says - the person, who does the greatest harm to you, is no other person, but you yourself.
so please do not make yourself suffer over anything. moreover, as per Buddha's teachings - mind is more important than body - so train your mind to be in present moment and try to follow the 5 precepts to purify your mind by getting rid of defilements of attachment and aversion. So try to see things as 'just they are' and try to get rid of ignorance(avidya).
i am not a Buddhist, so cannot comment about your admission in Buddhist community - but i feel, based on my understanding of Buddha's teachings, that any Buddhist community(which follows Buddha) should not have any restriction on any person trying to join it - as Buddha's teachings says to practice loving-kindness(metta) and compassion(karuna) towards all sentient beings.
last, but not the least, please do not worry about your past actions and also do not worry about your future plans, rather just try to be in the present moment.
metta to you.