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Celibacy

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Comments

  • BhanteLuckyBhanteLucky Alternative lifestyle person in the South Island of New Zealand New Zealand Veteran
    I'm hard pressed to find an answer which won't make you even more pissed off, so I'll just go to bed.
    Goodnight!
  • I'm hard pressed to find an answer which won't make you even more pissed off, so I'll just go to bed.
    Goodnight!


    I assure you, I promise you... I'm not pissed off. Honest.
    But now, I have to admit, my last post was a bit "challenging". :) (but not angry)
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    Amida said:

    I'll explain more fully. I believe it would be most intelligent to remain single, but I have a natural want for affection, wife, child, etc.. But on top of all that I have some health issues, which would make marriage quite difficult, so I wish to remain single. A family would be great, but I have to be practical. But making the practical choice doesn't stop the longings for those things, so I was hoping for advice and methods especially helpful in the suppression of wants for affection, wife, and child. If I lose myself the wants can be quite fiery and vex the mind, then when I come back to myself I center myself in the truth of impermanence and that possession is illusion and experiences are passing. But any tips to better equip myself against those fiery waves of want would be great.

    I think you're a bit young to be making a decision like this.
  • tmottestmottes Veteran
    edited November 2012
    Celibacy doesn't mean or imply anything other than not having sex and not taking a spouse. It doesn't mean or imply not being social. It doesn't mean or imply rejecting our human nature. It doesn't mean or imply not being intimate. It doesn't mean or imply not touching another human. I don't see anything unhealthy with celibacy when the reasons for that celibacy are healthy.
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    I'm a bit confused on why Buddha's words to monks, would apply to someone who is looking to be celibate but not monastic? He is still a lay person and @seeker242 you said the words you re-posted were not for lay people. Not that they can't still be useful, we all use Buddha's words to a degree, those which may apply to us but not others. I just don't get making the distinction that the poster is somehow monastic when it does not seem he is.

    And just because someone asks a specific question doesn't mean people can't come back and say "but have you considered this?" The person can take or leave it, I do it all the time and so does everyone else here. Sometimes it helps to realize maybe you should consider something else. Sometimes not. But both the beauty and the complexity of online boards is that you get every opinion under the stars when you ask a question. That's how it works. No one was trying to challenge him or change his mind. Saying "Have you considered this?" is not the same as saying "You're wrong, and you need to do this instead."
    MaryAnne
  • Dakini said:

    Amida said:

    I've been celibate for many years, and wish to remain so. I'm 33 years old. But now that I'm 33, I find craving arising strongly and a desire for a wife and child. I wish to overcome these strong desires and remain celibate all my life.

    Any advice or methods to quiet the perpetual desires for wife and child?

    It's your hormones talking. This happened to a friend of mine. Out of nowhere, suddenly, she found herself craving a child, and actually considered it (she was single and had no bf). Then she came to her senses and had a firm talk with herself, and told herself it was completely unrealistic, and that it was just her hormones talking. She's been fine ever since. It might not be so easy for you, but it might help to realize that your body is programmed to have those cravings, it's not your rational mind talking.

    Also, get Shantideva's The Bodhisattva Way Of Life. It has a section on how to deal with such cravings.

    I think it's a bit different for women in terms of hormones. I get what you're saying, it's natural for us to want children because that's what our bodies are programmed to do, but I'm not sure it would be such a hormonal thing for a man.
  • @tmottes said in part:

    " I don't see anything unhealthy with celibacy when the reasons for that celibacy are healthy. "

    I can agree with that, no problem.
    But when doubt, heightened cravings and desires start intruding and detracting from one's practice of celibacy (or any practice) wouldn't the first logical step be to re-evaluate the practice and decide if the motivations behind it are still the same and 'working' for you? How else would one really honestly assess if those reasons are healthy?

  • MaryAnne said:

    @tmottes said in part:

    " I don't see anything unhealthy with celibacy when the reasons for that celibacy are healthy. "

    I can agree with that, no problem.
    But when doubt, heightened cravings and desires start intruding and detracting from one's practice of celibacy (or any practice) wouldn't the first logical step be to re-evaluate the practice and decide if the motivations behind it are still the same and 'working' for you? How else would one really honestly assess if those reasons are healthy?

    I am a proponent of constantly re-evaluating any practice, habit, and/or reaction. :)
    MaryAnne
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited November 2012
    @MaryAnne, Pema Chodron did a news interview and she said that before she goes on a retreat it is like her senses are like little slits. When she gets back they are wide open.

    She did tell the interviewer, I forget his name but it wasn't Larry King,... She tells the interviewer that her retreat wouldn't be worth a hill of beans if she didn't come back into the world and be with people.

    She came to the dharma when she found out her husband had cheated and she threw something at him.. some kinda funny story, but she went to the dharma when her life got screwed around. She has a grand daughter. And she is a quite famous dharma teacher.

    In contrast Milarepa was so earnest to reach the dharma. There was a stinging nettle plant in the entrance ways to his cave. He was so earnest to reach enlightenment that he never dug up the nettles plant, instead he spent the maximum of time meditating and practicing. That's probably just a story to make a point.

    Another story is about a new monk who went begging and received some grains. He thought about planting a crop and becoming a farmer.. But then immediately he ate the grains so that he could be a full time monk on retreat.
  • AmidaAmida Explorer
    edited November 2012
    Someone said I was too young to make a decision on celibacy, but I'm 33, and have health problems which would make marriage very taxing. So, I was hoping for advice and methods of quieting and quenching strong desires for wife, sex, child. Ultimately, it comes down to the decision of the person. I think celibacy is the most reasonable path for me, so was just looking for advice on mastering wants in relation to this.

    Someone suggested Shantideva's The Bodhisattva Way Of Life. And others shared similar things. That's what I was looking for. Thanks.

  • @Amida, one classic answer is to make the drawbacks of having these things you desire the object of your meditation. Another is to contemplate the disgusting parts of the people you desire, both anatomically and psychologically. That poem I linked before is a good example.

    I'm not really speaking from experience, here. When I want sex, I go seduce my wife, and having a kid in this day and age just seems like a really bad idea to me.
    seeker242Sabre
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    MaryAnne said:



    As for the usual divisive nonsense wedge about living the "monastic life" vs the plain ol' lesser beings (laypersons) life; well... if the OP is not wearing the robes, living a secluded life amongst other monks, devoting all his time, study, energy and focus to meditation and the Buddhist path, but instead, is going to work every day, lives in a regular neighborhood, drives a car or rides a bike, pays his bills, engages with co-workers, friends & family (if he has any) what makes his life style so -- monastic? Simply the choice of being celibate? Really? I didn't know that's all it took to be considered monastic.

    No, it takes a lot more than that to be considered a monastic. There are hundreds of other rules to follow. :) However, for laypersons who wish to maintain celibacy, the monastic teachings on maintaining celibacy, are quit appropriate. Since there are no celibacy related layperson teachings on how to maintain celibacy, none that I know of anyway, since laypersons are usually not celibate, by choice, to begin with. :)
    karasti said:

    I'm a bit confused on why Buddha's words to monks, would apply to someone who is looking to be celibate but not monastic? He is still a lay person and @seeker242 you said the words you re-posted were not for lay people. Not that they can't still be useful, we all use Buddha's words to a degree, those which may apply to us but not others. I just don't get making the distinction that the poster is somehow monastic when it does not seem he is.

    I never said anyone was an actually a monastic, just that the monastic teachings on maintaining celibacy would be useful. The Buddha taught his monks how to quench the desires to break celibacy. So this advice would be useful for anyone who wants to live that way, monk or not. But obviously, they are not useful for someone who does not wish to maintain that lifestyle, which is most laypeople. So if a person does not wish to maintain celibacy, they can then pretty much ignore the advice on how to maintain it. :)

  • SabreSabre Veteran
    edited November 2012
    Amida said:

    Someone said I was too young to make a decision on celibacy, but I'm 33, and have health problems which would make marriage very taxing. So, I was hoping for advice and methods of quieting and quenching strong desires for wife, sex, child. Ultimately, it comes down to the decision of the person. I think celibacy is the most reasonable path for me, so was just looking for advice on mastering wants in relation to this.

    Someone suggested Shantideva's The Bodhisattva Way Of Life. And others shared similar things. That's what I was looking for. Thanks.

    Hi!

    Don't get put off by people who say celibacy is not meant for lay people. It's perfectly fine, it happens often in Buddhist circles since the time of the Buddha himself. Myself I also sort of chose so, actually it feels quite natural, because since I'm not with a partner (since a few years now, and I'm 26) I have more time to practice, more time for myself, feel happier and kinder. Most of the time it goes without effort.

    But I know it can be a challenge at times and so I understand where you are coming from. But there's the other hand, being in a relationship is also a challenge. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. So I've recommended reflecting on the downsides of having a relationship and the benefits of being single. Being single and able to be happy with it is beautiful. In a way I think it's more beautiful than having a relationship. For one thing, because it is so rare for people to be happy this way. A lot of people can't even imagine this as a possibility and that's where some replies came from; which is understandable in a way.

    What also helps, is to accept that there is this desire for a relationship. It's fine to have it. That way you remove the 'hostility' towards it and you can investigate it more on a friendly basis. You can even send metta towards yourself or even the particular desire. Trust me, it works. As a result you'll take it less seriously. Then you can try to understand that nomatter what desire, if we fulfill it, there will be a new one. That is not the way to go. The removal of suffering is by removing craving, not by following it.

    Everything is impermanent, both effortless times and times with effort. That goes for being single and that goes for being in a relationship.

    Here is a video that might inspire you:




    With kindness,
    Sabre
    JeffreySabby
  • Dear Friends of the personal-dharma (soon to be available as a loving Christmas gift set),

    We are all different. Which makes most of us more equal than other . . .
    So for example any form of love may increase our appreciation of meta-love as a better metta love for universal compassion.

    I love you all
    . . . and I am not even your mother . . .
    yet . . . :D

    http://www.dhammadharini.net/dhamma-talks-from-the-bhikkhuni-sangha/aranya-bodhi-hermitage/in-tribute-to-all-mother-beings
  • FoibleFullFoibleFull Canada Veteran
    You are asking for ways to try to repress that which IS. This is not a constructive way to deal with it.

    The whole drive of Buddhism is to ALLOW ourselves to feel our cravings, even those that remain unmet. It's okay to have them, it is part of existing, and our cravings do not need to be "fixed" by pursuing them.

    All of Buddhism is bent not to getting rid of cravings, but to learning to stand amidst them, not knocked down, pushed around, or bowled over by them. Observing them from the standpoint of our mindfulness, which is a skill we gradually learn through doing mindfulness meditation.

    You don't get rid of them. But they lose their ability to "hook" you. You stay present and mindful, and allow them to be there and to pass on by.

    This is not Buddhist, but I there is a neuroscientist who tells us that any thought or emotion in our brain lasts no more than 90 seconds, from the time the neurochemical starts the neural impulse in our brain, until the time that neurochemical is reabsorbed. And that it is seems like it's lasting more than 90 seconds, what's really happening is that as soon as one dies out, we immediately start it all over again.
    Seems that we can endure just about any craving for 90 seconds.
    lobster
  • FoibleFullFoibleFull Canada Veteran
    I do find that being married is a drain on my practice. Less time to meditate, less flexibility for things like diet, more drama and sensual desire, leading to hindrances in meditation...


    Your daily life IS your primary meditation. Mindfulness on the meditation cushion is very good .. but the true practice is applying mindfulness in your daily life.

    I remember Tenzin Palmo (a Buddhist nun, author of "Cave in the Snow") came to town for a lecture (actually to raise money for a Buddhist convent in India). At the Q&A session after her lecture, one woman stood up and asked how she could find the time to meditate ... she couldn't even take a bath in peace without the kids pounding on the door demanding her attention, solutions, or assistance. She needed more time for herself and for her meditation.
    Tenzin Palmo replied that she did NOT need more time for herself. She needed LESS time for herself. That the Buddhist path was not about ourselves. And that her daily life was her meditation.

    lobsterMaryAnne
  • @seeker242

    I understand what you are (now) saying in your last post above this one. It's called "back peddling" ... and that's OK. Adjustment is a good thing. :)
    But it does seem somewhat more reasonable and less snipe-ish than the few before it ... even if I still don't totally agree.

    Peace.
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    I would not call it "back peddling" but rather a clarification of what was previously misunderstood to begin with. :)
  • seeker242 said:

    I would not call it "back peddling" but rather a clarification of what was previously misunderstood to begin with. :)


    LOL and Touche`
  • Amida said:

    Someone said I was too young to make a decision on celibacy, but I'm 33, and have health problems which would make marriage very taxing. So, I was hoping for advice and methods of quieting and quenching strong desires for wife, sex, child. Ultimately, it comes down to the decision of the person. I think celibacy is the most reasonable path for me, so was just looking for advice on mastering wants in relation to this.

    Someone suggested Shantideva's The Bodhisattva Way Of Life. And others shared similar things. That's what I was looking for. Thanks.

    I'm wondering if part of it is an urge to share more compassion - to have a wife and child to care for, for example, means that daily you'd interact with others in a largely compassionate way. Physically caring for another's immediate needs is very loving and rewarding. Have you considered getting involved in something that involves more contact with others - volunteering or working at a hospital, shelter, animal clinic, etc.?

    I think of Lama Zopa Rinpoche in this respect - I can't imagine him lonely or unfulfilled ;) He seems always in the middle of a group of humans and/or animals, sharing acts of compassion in both directions with them; he must feel drawn to be so connected to other beings. Maybe that's some of what you're feeling.

    Of course if you're fighting the sex urge, too, at the moment, being in groups your own age can derail you in that respect. But there are places to work where that's less of a problem.

    I've known people who found a sense of love working with plants and flowers and gardens; there's something about physically nurturing another living thing, even non-sentient, that fills a need. And if you end up feeding people or animals with the food, I suppose that's a double-nurturing.
    Sabby
  • Your daily life IS your primary meditation. Mindfulness on the meditation cushion is very good .. but the true practice is applying mindfulness in your daily life.

    That's the Mahayana perspective, and I have a lot of sympathy for it, but it's not where I am at the moment.

    I do think one needs seclusion and contentment to develop good concentration, and that concentration is essential to effective practice. I find it extremely difficult to remain mindful of and open to my current activity when someone is pestering me, for instance.
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    I have a huge ability to tune out anything that interrupts what I am doing. Sometimes that is a good thing, sometimes not so much, lol. You can't expect just to be able to do something because you want to. It takes a lot of practice to put mindfulness into all areas of life, and it's tiring when you start to do it. I don't have any way to be secluded, having 3 young kids, so I take what I can get. Then I chose an area where I could be especially mindful. In my case, cleaning my kitchen every evening. Over time in practice I was able to expand to it other areas during the day, and now overall I'm much more mindful and conscious of what is going on and how I'm feeling about it before I react to it. I don't like to be pestered, either, but 99% of the time, what I am doing can be set aside for a moment to tend to one of the kids, or the dog, or whatever is going on.
    JeffreyMaryAnne
  • AmidaAmida Explorer
    @FoibleFull

    I was careful to use the word suppress, as opposed to repress, being I know there's a difference.
  • Well it is kind of a fine line - psychologically speaking- but there is a difference- you're right.


    * These distinctions are usually not made in casual speech by those not in the field.

    Repression:
    The involuntary exclusion of a painful or conflictual thought, impulse, or memory from awareness. This is the primary ego defense mechanism.

    Example; The young woman has many repressed feelings and memories about her traumatic, childhood abuse. She does not consciously suppress these feelings and memories, her psyche/subconscious does it for her.


    Suppression:
    Usually listed as an ego defense mechanism but actually the conscious analog of repression; intentional exclusion of material from consciousness. However, at times, suppression may lead to subsequent repression.

    Examples: (1) a young man at work finds that he is letting thoughts about a date that evening interfere with his duties; he decides not to think about plans for the evening until he leaves work.
    (2) a student goes on vacation worried that she may be failing; she decides not to spoil her holiday by thinking of school.
    (3) a woman makes an embarrassing faux pas at a party; she makes an effort to forget all about it.

    *usually* suppression involves short term, temporary setting aside of thoughts or desires. Repression can go on for many many years - rarely without any negative effects.

    So, you have used the correct word in that your efforts are voluntary, not involuntary... however the end result is still pretty much the same; (in this case, 'natural') desire, thought, craving, etc is actively being ignored or denied - voluntarily.

    Whether that specific action is appropriate or inappropriate, healthy or unhealthy, for YOU, is strictly up to you (and/or a therapist should there be a need).
    And yet, because it was an appropriate, healthy and a viable choice at one time, doesn't mean it will always remain a viable choice with the same motivations being appropriate for all time.

    Don't the teachings of Buddha stress how nothing is permanent, everything is ever changing? :-)

    As you can tell, I love psychology... always did, always will, it's part of who I am. :D


    RebeccaS
  • pegembarapegembara Veteran
    edited November 2012
    I think the most important thing in spiritual life for those without support of family is to have good friends (kalyanamitta). This usually means to join the bhikkhu sangha.
    As he was sitting there, Ven. Ananda said to the Blessed One, "This is half of the holy life, lord: admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie."

    "Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, & colleagues, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.
    cazMaryAnneSile
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    MaryAnne said:

    Well it is kind of a fine line - psychologically speaking- but there is a difference- you're right.

    As you can tell, I love psychology... always did, always will, it's part of who I am. :D

    I think it was Sigmund Freud who once commented on psychology and Buddhism. He said "the goal of psychology is to transform neurotic suffering into existential suffering. The goal of Buddhism is to remove existential suffering" Something like that. :) Psychology is interesting, but it does have a completely different goal. :)

    DairyLamaSile
  • MaryAnneMaryAnne Veteran
    edited November 2012
    Sigmund Freud is also considered to be now, -- in this modern day and age, after learning so much more about how the physiological mind works, and how the human psyche works -- very much out-dated, and some have even gone so far as to say a "bit of a crack-pot" when it comes to actual psychological theories.

    No doubt the man opened up incredible doorways to understanding things in a psychological manner... but he didn't always know what he was looking at once he walked into the room. :-) Honestly, what did he know of Buddhism, (specifically) anyway?

    Shall we talk about his theories of "penis envy" and that troublesome "female hysteria"?
    'Nuff said...
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    I dunno, when I have to pee when I'm winter camping, sometimes I have penis envy. And sometimes I'm pretty sure I suffer female hysteria (aka pms) and that the cure does work, LOL.

    I enjoy psychology myself, but it does have it's limits.
    MaryAnneSileJeffrey
  • driedleafdriedleaf Veteran
    edited November 2012
    I praise those that choose to be celibate and commits to it. I am sure that those that decided to had chosen it by themselves, and without the help of others.
  • I havent had sex in quite a long time but you lot really need to get laid...

    :lol:
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    edited November 2012
    MaryAnne said:

    Sigmund Freud is also considered to be now, -- in this modern day and age, after learning so much more about how the physiological mind works, and how the human psyche works -- very much out-dated, and some have even gone so far as to say a "bit of a crack-pot" when it comes to actual psychological theories.

    No doubt the man opened up incredible doorways to understanding things in a psychological manner... but he didn't always know what he was looking at once he walked into the room. :-) Honestly, what did he know of Buddhism, (specifically) anyway?

    Shall we talk about his theories of "penis envy" and that troublesome "female hysteria"?
    'Nuff said...


    My point was that psychology has different goals than Buddhism. Most every modern day psychologist, if not all, will agree with this.
    :)
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