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Suffering because others are suffering...
Tosh
Veteran
I'm normally okay with the suffering of others, as in I do my best to help, and don't worry too much about the results, but just recently in A.A. we've been swamped with newcomers and some of them are in really tight-situations. I had to give a middle-aged lady money for food this evening; she has absolutely nothing; not even a change of clothing; her husband has kicked her out and she's living in a hostel. She's four days sober and just looks suicidal; she couldn't stop crying at our meeting.
Then there's another lady who phoned me today. Her life is going pear-shaped, she's going to have her child taken off her and put into care. She's desperate to get her shit together and keep her child, but can't stop drinking. Her absence from this evenings meeting was ominous.
A guy, John, was a school teacher, lost the job, wife, car, driving license, all respect, hope of life rambled on at our meeting until I was forced to ask him to stop (I asked kindly, saying I'm really glad he was here, but...).
The lady who couldn't stop crying, I just wanted to take her home and feed her chicken soup; but Mrs Tosh would've kicked off.
And then I called into the supermarket on the way home to pick up some supplies and the Christmas music was blasting out, "When a child is born". And I felt so sad for these people and kind of angry at the universe too. I hope they all can get their shit together, we'll try our best to help them in anyway we can, but I usually think they're fucked.
Sad isn't it! I guess I could meditate on the emptiness of the situation, but I think I'll just wallow in my self pity for others (that's what it feels like) right now.
Apologies for my stream-of-consciousness post. It's good to share.
Then there's another lady who phoned me today. Her life is going pear-shaped, she's going to have her child taken off her and put into care. She's desperate to get her shit together and keep her child, but can't stop drinking. Her absence from this evenings meeting was ominous.
A guy, John, was a school teacher, lost the job, wife, car, driving license, all respect, hope of life rambled on at our meeting until I was forced to ask him to stop (I asked kindly, saying I'm really glad he was here, but...).
The lady who couldn't stop crying, I just wanted to take her home and feed her chicken soup; but Mrs Tosh would've kicked off.
And then I called into the supermarket on the way home to pick up some supplies and the Christmas music was blasting out, "When a child is born". And I felt so sad for these people and kind of angry at the universe too. I hope they all can get their shit together, we'll try our best to help them in anyway we can, but I usually think they're fucked.
Sad isn't it! I guess I could meditate on the emptiness of the situation, but I think I'll just wallow in my self pity for others (that's what it feels like) right now.
Apologies for my stream-of-consciousness post. It's good to share.
15
Comments
“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
May everyones prayers be with you at this difficult time when all expectations are too much to bear.
helps salve the situation but this has never worked for me. I admit I've never really worked at equanimity. For self there are natural consequences of practice that create joy and a lack of concern for the small self. The Paramitas make this hard when applied to others. I have never found a solution to your problem-after 48 years of devotion.
Maybe that is part of self perfection. We suffer for the sake of others but we accept that and don't run for cover. May the good be yours. You deserve all of the best for you and your loved ones.
:thumbsup:
and now back to the first noble truth . . . self pity, enough already . . .
a very wise man I know has a saying, and no he's not a buddhist, he's actually a former special forces solider. He always likes to say " it could always be worse". No matter how bad you think your life is going right now, there are people suffering far worse.
think about even the people you described, their suffering is nothing compared to some people in Africa and a dozen other places where survival is a daily struggle.
all beings have their own kamma and lives to work through, you cannot change that, you can offer kind words and deeds to be the one nice person who was a positive influence in their life that day. If they are closer to you , then you can offer more, but it will be up to them to accept the help.
people have always suffered , and always will, nothing you can do will change that. The only suffering you have direct control over is your own.
A coworker of mine recently suicided. Several of us knew of her alcohol problem, I saw her hands shake at work. She came to work drunk one day, got sent home, and never came back, so had to be 'let go'. Management went ALL OUT to get her help, they did not want to have to fire her, but she refused or was unable to cooperate with their efforts to save her job. A month or so later, she killed herself. Turned out she also had legal issues, got in a slapping match with her boyfriend who called the police, so she had significant "consequences", to put it mildly.
She was hilarious, light hearted (appearing), the patients liked her and she'd survived breast cancer not five years ago. She had adult children and many friends.
What was different between her and me? And over the years, several other nurses who've disclosed alcoholism in themselves?
My heart still aches for her, and her children.
Of course there are many ten-thousands of more ways to suffer, but it's those you've suffered yourself that are particularly painful to bear.
I wonder @Tosh about your use of the word "suffering" for yourself? In a strictly Buddhist sense of the word "suffering" or "dukkha". Not to be nitpicky, I'm very not nitpicky, but our unconscious mind hears these words come out of our mouths (or fingers when typing) and my unconscious needs all the help it can get. Compassion is often exquisitely painful, an agony sometimes, but is it really dukkha? I suppose, yes, it can be . . . but with our Siddhartha Gotama the Buddha Toolbox, this pain can be transformed into strength and devotion to our fellows who suffer from addictions to alcohol.
Not that I ever remember how to name the source, but in some sutta somewhere (lol) the Buddha and one of his buds were walking along and the Buddha trod upon a large thorn, went right into his foot. He hopped around grimacing (I'm paraphrasing) and his sensitive disciple saw an opportunity to learn something and asked the Buddha if he was suffering. "Not at all," said the Buddha, wincing as he pulled the thorn from his foot, "but it hurts like hell."
Only Buddhists would parse out pain and suffering, you know? I strongly sense the difference is important in our awakening, and in how we relate to our fellows who suffer.
Gassho
Diamond Sutra
http://www.diamond-sutra.com/diamond_sutra_text/page25.html
Sometimes all we can do is be there and listen.
I think you are a light in the darkness for the empathy you show. Don't.be too sad.
Obviously different situations, but very similar emotions at times, I'm sure. I wish I knew what the answer was. I waver between taking time to switch off for my own sanity but then beating myself up for not doing more. As others have said, though, perhaps we can take comfort in the fact we're at least doing something, and although we can't fix it all we are making a small difference to certain individuals. That's worth something. Hugs to you. What you're doing is good and important.
But animals have it rough; humans can be so cruel. I've even blocked friends who've posted pictures of animal cruelty on facebook - I can't even bare to look it.
Yeh, I guess I'm a softie. Respect for what you're doing.
I'm also involved in asylum seeker/refugee rights (I don't know how it is in the US but here in Australia our government's policies are hideously draconian and heartless and there is a massive uproar about it) and I see a lot of sorrow/burnout among activists. But we are slowly making headway and there are people who are happy and safe now. So it's not all hopeless.
Reminding myself of the little things is helpful. When I get down, I think of the skinny, flea-ridden kitten I rescued who is now happy and spoilt and well-fed in his new home etc. Maybe can you write a list of people you know you've helped? Refer to it when you're feeling helpless?
I wonder @Tosh about your use of the word "suffering" for yourself? In a strictly Buddhist sense of the word "suffering" or "dukkha". Not to be nitpicky, I'm very not nitpicky, but our unconscious mind hears these words come out of our mouths (or fingers when typing) and my unconscious needs all the help it can get. Compassion is often exquisitely painful, an agony sometimes, but is it really dukkha? I suppose, yes, it can be . . . but with our Siddhartha Gotama the Buddha Toolbox, this pain can be transformed into strength and devotion to our fellows who suffer from addictions to alcohol.
Well yes, I think this is deeply Bodhi of you. Thank you. You know, I think it is suffering but there is a kind of space in it that doesn't bruise the compassionate heart. Suffering of self has no space.
Anyway, I'd better get to work.
:om:
Unfortunately for me, my hurt feeling is still there, I fail to detach it from me!
Unfortunately for me, my hurt feeling is still there, I fail to detach it from me!
The feeling is not yours to begin with. It comes when the conditions are there and goes when they aren't. Your task is to deeply realise that.
discovered my best friend betrayed me. I keep practicing to detach myself from my pain by telling me my hurt feeling is only my imagination, this body hurts, not me, I am not this body.
Unfortunately for me, my hurt feeling is still there, I fail to detach it from me!
Well yeah. Suffering hurts. Take two aspirin and call me in on the mourning.
Sorry to hear your care is dragging you around a bit. Wouldn't do to do without it would it? So long as we identify with the objects of life and living we will experience suffering.
Pristine cognition helps us realize how really unimportant that is-I mean our well being.
But suffering still hurts. mtgby