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How to deal with anger?

Being a buddhist is amazing but the one issue I always run into is arguments, how do you deal with these kind of things.

Comments

  • Think how difficult it is to change your own mind. Now try to imagine the difficulty in changing another person's mind. Arguments are a waste of time, energy, and focus.
    Maureen9JeffreyanatamanJeongjwa
  • If you can't handle a situation without getting angry about it, walk away from it until you can.
    anataman
  • HamsakaHamsaka goosewhisperer Polishing the 'just so' Veteran
    Investigate in yourself what causes the emotion of anger to come up (thus engaging in an argument). I'm using "you" in a general way, keeping the voice in third person gets so dry . . .

    As the anger comes up, what is the content of your thoughts? The other person is wrong, dangerously stupid, offensive? What set of inner beliefs brings you to that conclusion? You have a belief inside you that got challenged by the other person. Along side that, you also believe you must correct the other person's 'wrongness'. Why is that? Why must you correct or challenge? Will the fabric of Reality be rent unless you take charge?

    Who appointed you to be the arbiter of correcting another person's wrongness or offensiveness? Or is your challenged belief so RIGHT that you are entitled to correct them? Must stupidity and ignorance be crushed so it doesn't get out and infect the world, or perhaps the fear is that it will infect you?

    A rather protracted way of saying 'are you a member of the Stop Dumbasses police force?" :D

    That's not the only instigation to argument. The other person could be deliberately or ignorantly harming a third person, and you want to prevent the harm.

    Anger is built in to defend against a threat. Angry people feel threatened, like, all the time, by nearly everything said or meant.

    Is someone being 'wrong' a threat? If you get angry when you hear a stupid idea, obviously you're threatened, else you wouldn't feel anger. So what's the threat? Could it be that you are wrong after all? What happens then? If you tend to catastrophize, being 'wrong' could mean you are waaayyy stupid, and there goes your 'status' and now you're just a creep and everyone will see. No one will ever respect you again. The tribe will shun you and you'll be exposed to carnivorous wildlife, freeze to death or starve. Anyway you slice it, you'll be dead. So, being RIGHT is very, very important! The OTHER person can take your place, and their chances, out there in Wrong Land.

    What if it's not a question of wrongness at all, but the other person just put you down? Well, you're positive they meant to, whatever they said. Then what? Threat! Marshal the defenses, and feeeeeeelllll the anger rising. What are the thoughts, arising from beliefs inside, telling you? Might the other person (*gasp*) be right, you really might be lower than a dung beetle? What if other people agreed . . . grab your pitchfork, he must be vanquished!

    All this is going on in the context of a few posts on a message board. Or a ten minute argument with your wife over who forgot to put milk on the grocery list.

    Investigating the causes of anger within you takes all the fun out of it, that's for sure. Especially if you accept full personal responsibility for your own anger, it's origin and elaborations, rather than blame it on the other guy.

    Gassho :)
    Woah93
  • anandoanando Explorer
    Hi,
    Gotamo Buddho had a nice solution for that.It´s Right Speech. Just shut up and answer
    in parables. Avaid gossiping.

    anando
  • wangchueywangchuey Veteran
    edited January 2014
    Anger is suffering. Whoever is angry is suffering. When we see that a person is angry, we should try to wish them free from their suffering. The same should apply to ourselves when we are angry. We should wish ourselves free from this suffering. Having metta (loving kindness) handy with us can save us from this suffering.

    When we practice meditation, we get to know how distant we are from our body and mind. This helps us not to attach to our anger. We become more peaceful, and we build on our metta. And having metta is like having a shield against anger. I have lots of anger at times, this is where practicing what I preach comes in. :D We are all friends in the same practice.

    Metta!
    lobster
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    The Elimination of Anger
    With two stories retold from the Buddhist texts
    by
    Ven. K. Piyatissa Thera


    Describes 4 different ways to deal with anger. One of them usually works if you are persistent. :)
    wangchueyVastmind
  • Anger is a 'no'. But we think the object of the anger is outside ourself. This distorts the anger to the point that we want to destroy the offender or offense. If anger can be transormed it is transformed into the wisdom that sees through obstacles. There can be a lot of creativity in the strong energy of anger.
  • ZaylZayl Veteran
    I just try to physically leave the situation that is causing me to be angry. Like if someone starts insulting me or arguing with me in a vehicle and they won't shut up, I just get the driver to pull over and let me out. In one case they would not let me out, so when he slowed down for a corner I sort of, you know, jumped out.

    However if *I'm* the driver I'll screech the car to a stop and tell them to gtfo and walk home. Unless the weather is life threatening or we're miles and miles from civilization or something.
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    That's not 'leaving the situation' that's 'passive-aggressive response'.

    It's exercising control of a situation by taking an action that leaves others at a disadvantage, either morally or physically.
    lobsterVastmind
  • DairyLamaDairyLama Veteran Veteran
    edited January 2014

    Being a buddhist is amazing but the one issue I always run into is arguments, how do you deal with these kind of things.

    Develop right mindfulness. Develop right intention.

    That's it really. ;)
  • Being a buddhist is amazing but the one issue I always run into is arguments, how do you deal with these kind of things.

    By being calmer.
    When I was more argumentative I did qi ong, every day. Except for two days. On those two days, arguments. :o

    If you are dukkhad (a technical term) near boiling, stressed out, does not take much to push you over the edge, does it?

    Now imagine yourself calm and serene, what minor irritant is gonna disturb your equanimity? So that is why regular sessions with Mr Cushion are so calming . . .

    . . . and now back to the serenity . . . :wave:
  • KundoKundo Sydney, Australia Veteran

    Being a buddhist is amazing but the one issue I always run into is arguments, how do you deal with these kind of things.

    I don't. I try to avoid them. Doesn't always work mind you :/

    In metta,
    Raven
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