Dharma and Children
DharmaCloud
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As a single father, I try to teach my son what I know (of all subjects), but since my practice is not strong, it's definitely lacking.
His mother and I are pretty open-minded. She is Christian and goes to church. We were married 20 years and she experienced my transition from Christianity (we were baptized together and even taught vacation bible school) to Buddhism. She likes many of the beliefs. I don't have a problem with Christianity for the most part - just didn't quite fit with me.
It's important for both of us that our son understands and respects each of our beliefs. We know that someday he'll choose the path he feels is right for him.
I'm interested in understanding how some of you have included your children in your practice/beliefs?
For those that have always had a strong practice before having children, I assume (yes, I know what assuming does) that it was a fairly natural process.
What about those that got on the bus late?
Comments
Well, if you look closely at Buddhism, it's really more a way to follow a moral, upright and skilful path.
There are precious few 'Dos and Don'ts' and everything it teaches is to help us walk a Mindful road, where we can co-exist with others in a meaningful, productive and positive, loving way.
In theory! ;o)
Unlike Thesitic callings, there is no divine retribution, or God requiring a devotion.
So the only slapped wrist you get, is the one you give yourself, as it were.
if you look at the Eightfold Path, it is a clear indication of different aspects of day-to-day living, which require a clear mind and a dedication to follow.
The 5 Precepts are the same.
But there's nobody poking you in the chest, holding a sword over your head, or even mildly obliging you to 'better do this or else....'
Including Children in your practice merely means setting them an unreproachable example.
"Watch me, this is how it's done."
(Mind you, being sensible and adult-like can take all the fun out of Middle-age, so, hang loose now and then!)
I include my children in Temple/monastery things only when they ask to.
I incorporate 'lessons' or 'teachings' in everyday life. It's practice for all of us.
Moody Cow meditates is an excellent children's book. How old is he?
We have had a couple of threads about kids stuff over the last year...I'm all in it. hahaha
I'm off to work now...but I can give you some more resources later....
I thought I would not talk to my son about religion until he began shooting existential questions, such as where do we come from or where are we going to.
But since his school decided to include 'Religion' already in the first-grade syllabus, I thought I might softly begin to put my input in a subtle way, just to make sure he knows there are other viewpoints in life.
There are some nice books with Buddhist stories for children, and we also watched "Little Buddha" together, which I find an interesting film for a seven-year-old.
He also loves to imitate me doing meditation or chanting mantras.
Other than that, I take every chance to slip Buddha's teachings in our conversations, in a very open-minded, undogmatic way.
The rest is up to him.
Well, yes, of course. I know the "Watch me, this is how it's done" approach from my military days. Lead by example. It was much easier in the military.
I'm interested in techniques and activities that "engage" my son in the process.
Trying to show a 7-year-old that sitting looking at a blank wall is fun by doing it, just doesn't work.
"How was VBS, son?"
"It was fun, Dad. We learned about Noah's Ark and even built one."
"Sounds great! Ready to meditate?"
Funny thing, before I learned about meditation, I used to make my kids look at the wall when they misbehaved. Geez...
Hi, @DharmaCloud! Linda Lantieri has an interesting book on "Emotional Intelligence" for children.
The cd brings tracks with different meditation exercises for children.
My son is also seven and difficult to engage in a long meditation session, but these tracks, he enjoyed.
Hope this helps.
The book I mentioned has an activity in the end, making a thoughts jar. My children use it all the time. Also raking meditation is a fav of two of my kids. You can buy a cheap Zen raking garden at dollar stores.... I could go on...let me stop myself....When I get home later..I'll fill you up with fun activities ..
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My younger son, now 20, was the only one who ever asked to come out the the backyard meditation hall with me. He was nine or ten at the time. I gave him some quickie instructions on how to sit ... sit straight, focus, etc. After I rang the bell to mark the beginning of sitting, he spoke into the silence: "It sounds like birds in my ears." Then we sat. When I rang the bell to end the sitting (maybe 10-15 minutes), he let out a sigh and said, "Good. I was about to get out of here." And that was the only time any of my three kids ever sat with me.
I vote with those who wait for the kids to ask. I never wanted "good Buddhists" for children ... I just wanted good people ... which, by and large, they are. Now and then these days, one or the other of them (all in their 20's) may ask a specific question -- my older son's roommate was interested in Buddhism and what did I think might be appropriate information? my daughter's reading group was going to attack a book by Pema Chodron and what did I think? Generally, from the very young to the young adult, my feeling is "go out and sin some more" because it is in the bumps and bruises that anyone might find usefulness and meaning in Buddhism.
When Shunryu Suzuki was once asked about how important Buddhist practice was, he replied, "It's important, but it's not that important." And that's about my take: teach 'em to be decent people and let life teach 'em the rest.
I have 3 boys: 17, (almost) 12 and 5.
One of them connected me with Buddhism. One of them is interested but not enough so to learn or practice at this point, and one could care less about the details of anything.
I stopped trying to consider what I could teach them, and instead operate much more from a "what do they teach me" point of view instead. I don't demand they learn my beliefs, and I don't demand that they respect them, either. They've never had a reason not to, however, so they do.
I use my Buddhist principles as I help to guide them in various situations, but I often do not label it as Buddhism. When life situations arise, we talk about what I believe, along with what others believe as well. They will make a choice when they are ready. But it's hard for anyone to argue with parenting from a basis of kindness and compassion and acceptance.
Last week I watched something on Oprah about a lady who wrote a book called "The Conscious Parent" and I found it to be quite in line with Buddhism and how I tend to operate. Kids come with inherent wisdom. We push them into hiding it via societal rules and schooling, oftentimes. I encourage them to learn their true nature and operate from it, despite the conflicting messages they get elsewhere every minute of the day.
The only more formal thing I do with them is we have set quiet periods. They learn meditation (how and when they use it is mostly up to them) and they learn how to use deep breathing before responding to situations. We emphasize awareness of body, action, speech and thought. Simply reminding them to take time to respond has eliminated 90% of the arguments between the siblings.
Namaste,
My daughter is 12 and started showing an interest in Buddhism when she was around 7/8. I've always guided her in meditations from about the age of 3 because she has a very active "monkey mind" and this has helped her quieten her mind.
I have answered her questions on Buddhism and she has attempted to read some of my books. She goes to a Christian school and she showed interest in "Living Buddha, Living Christ" by Thich Nhat Hanh, two years ago. She loved the book so much I let her keep it and bought myself another copy
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I encourage my daughter to learn about other paths and faiths so she has a good knowledge and understanding of others. I have seen her compassion for others develop even more than before. I call her my Dharma teacher. And she is always quick to point out if I need to practice more metta LOL
She may choose Christianity, Judaism or Buddhism when she is older. But if she retains her compassion and altruism, I will be happy.
In metta,
Raven
Good stuff. Thanks!
I had forgotten about Little Buddha.
My son is 7. He is advanced.academically/intellectually, but not emotionally. He is in a special needs program at school. His temper gets the better of him and he has been known to throw fits for more than an hour, complete with destructive and hurtful actions.
I did buy him his own cushion, but since I lost my own way, I didn't set a positive example to say the least.
It's been a challenge being a single parent. I have two other children in their 20's, but was always deployed and most of the key parenting I left to my then spouse. I've questioned my skills as a parent, and particularly so given the stressful situations beyond what I expected. Instead of relying on my beliefs and practice, I abandoned it for less than skillful means to deal with my stress.
Now I'm just looking to get things back on the right path one day at a time. I'm not looking to force any ideals or beliefs on him. I just want to help him (and myself) be more mindful.
I think that children will simply see the value of your practice according to how you live.
Compassion, empathy, sympathy, love, tenderness, benevolence and wisdom are teachings better taught by example than by rote..
@DharmaCloud Can I ever relate. When my son was about 6, he cleared his whole classroom throwing chairs around the room. Huge impulse control problems. I wasn't sure how on earth he'd make it through school. He is also highly intelligent. He is the one that is going on 12, and things are much MUCH better. He's grown into himself more, and found outlets for his energy. He's much more balanced. Still a challenging child to parent, lol. Not really Buddhist in nature, but try "Raising Your Spirited Child" it might give you some ideas about ways to help get through to him some. It helped me, anyhow. He still has an IEP in school because of his disturbance problems in the classroom but he has a plan that works pretty well most of the time and the destructive behaviors have all but disappeared. 7-12 is just hard age with boys, unfortunately. Hang in there. My oldest was a bit of a terror in some ways at the same age, but he is now 17 and is a peach of a kid in all ways.
I found, for all my kids, that the hardest thing was to let go of what my idea of the ideal parent was. I have to be a different parent for each child, and I have to, as much as possible, let them express themselves in their way, including making mistakes. I've found through my practice that as I've gotten better at accepting myself, my confidence as a parent has grown, too, and my kids know it so they respond better. I know better how to respond to them, and get more true and valid responses to them rather than just their reactions to my improper reactions.
My kids (4 and 1) have helped tremendously with my practice!
They have taught me 4 things:
Love, patience, patience and patience!!
Did I mention patience?
My daughter, my teacher, mostly taught me how little control I had over my universe.
The whole process was like being dropped into one of those tumbling units that slowly polish stones. Any sharp bits you have that stick out (like arrogance) just get worn away over time.
I grew up in a highly cultural environment: fine arts, classical music, opera, ballet... you name it.
When I was pregnant with my son, I bought the whole Baby Einstein collection to make sure my son would somehow blossom in the same direction.
Guess what? It's me who got used to weekly football matches, Batman cartoons, pirate birthday decorations and treks in muddy forests with the school teachers.
My first lesson in motherhood was brushing any expectations aside on what I would like my son to be and rather witness in awe the miracle a growing child simply is.
As the old adagio goes:
"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories."
i have heard a late Australian monk said that if he were to have children, he would allow them to have access to literature of all religions. I thought since children are young and easily influenced, I would allow him access to things that I believe in. I would like my children to follow my footsteps.
Wouldn't we all....fortunately life steps in.
That's a form of indoctrination.
But providing you give them equal access to other sources, it will be a good upbringing. To reduce their font of learning, is to deprive them of a balanced view.
Simply because you would 'like' your children to follow your footsteps, neither guarantees they will, nor does it ensure that they will respect you for limiting their broad view....
Very true, federica. Many children have been similarly indoctrinated sometimes to the extent that they learn to fight and kill using guns.
That's a strawman argument and irrelevant.
Including in Myanmar and Sri Lanka Buddhist children.
Just thought that it is better to influence kids to do good than evil. Left on their own, they may end up just that way. Then, we would start to ask, whose fault it is.
Perhaps there are ways to influence them to to good without neccesarily following in our footsteps.
There should be, I suppose. Many roads lead to Rome.
Sadly, this does not necessarily follow.
The Ripper, a recent criminal in the UK who murdered several women, was brought up in a good religious household, and he had relatives who thought he might well enter the priesthood.
A child, when influenced by a single flavour, builds up an unbalanced appetite, I personally find....
There ought to be some problem with the lesson taught. Maybe, a child ought to be taught to think.
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean....
I mean to say that a good religious family may not be really that good. What is taught to be 'good' could be actually bad.
That was my point with regard to your intention to merely teach your children to 'follow in your footsteps' because YOU feel it is the best way.
Do you see....?
My children have grown up around Buddhism in our house.
Christianity everywhere else. We live in the Bible belt. Family is heavy Pentecostal.
My oldest daughter has recently been attending a Baptist Church. I went to our book shelf...handed her a copy of the Bible and sent her on her way. Her way.
This morning, I saw her getting another book off the shelf. ' The meditation Bible'.
May she find happiness and peace on her adventures and keep her curiosity and wonder.
May she know even if she worships cantelopes....she is loved and accepted in my home.
DO you SEE TOO?
Kids are people, just like the rest of us, and deserve to be treated with respect and with some choice in and control over their own lives. One can teach good values and morals without having to focus on parental beliefs.
If you look through history, you'll find quite a few of the most evil people had families who were religious, who "brought their kids up right" and so on.
Kids are also their own people. Sometimes, the best people come from the worst families. And sometimes, the worst people come from the best families. Forcing your children to follow in your footsteps does not mean they will turn out ok. Forcing anyone to do something that goes against who they are or their own path, actually tends to only not turn out so well for anyone. In the least, it tends to turn children not only against the beliefs you hoped they'd pick up, but against you too for forcing them into something that doesn't align with their beliefs.
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Not really. That's why I responded. I 'don't see' that your PoV is skilful in this specific instance....
Maybe, we just see differently and that probably is because we were all brought up differently and live in different environment.
Perhaps, in my place where we have people like this http://www.malaysiakini.com/news/265318
we get to be fearful of not teaching our children what we believe is right.
What and how one teaches children what we believe is right, is not dependent on criticising, judging and condemning others.
It is done by setting a good example, walking a Right Path and teaching them that all humans, without exception, are deserving of the 4 Brahma-Viharas.
You criticise and condemn this man for converting to Islam?
Are you serious?.
If, instead of broadening your view and incorporating the planet's people as a whole, you would rather pick some name and label it as a force to be reckoned with, purely and simply because they have exercised the right to follow a creed of their choice - then you teach your children nationalism, prejudice and isolation, and are more guilty than the person you uphold as contentious.
I'm going to be a father in four months give or take so i've been thinking about how to raise my child a lot lately.This is what I've come up with so far:
No more. It should be his choice to follow the path for the most path.
He will only be able to do that if you tell him Christian stories, Jewish stories and Muslim stories at bed-time as well.
You can only practise impartiality, if you relate everything to your child in an impartial way.
Then - and only THEN - will you truly have given him the choice.
I had many plans before my boy was born that on hindsight seem to me now totally unrealistic.
Like @karasti said above, children are their own people. They come with their own chip.
I have found that my son became more interested in, let's say, Buddhism, the more casually I introduced the subject or by my own example, meditating or reading books myself.
I never could get him interested in a book of Buddhist bedtime stories I bought when pregnant, but he has watched "Little Buddha" at least five times.
You must give yourself the chance to get to know the little person in front of you rather than try to turn him into what you think he should be. Mindful, detached observation begins with one's children.
If anything on earth empties you of all preconceptions, it's children.
I'll second, third and fourth that.....
If you make things available to them, they will learn. Despite being Buddhist, I have many religious books of all sorts. My kids are free to take whatever they wish from the book shelf to read, or have read to them. We talk about the beliefs of several religions (those that I know of, I don't want to try to tell them things I don't know and mess them up) and always direct them to other resources if they have further questions I cannot answer. Help them know how to learn and find their way. They learn naturally, and they have their own path. No matter how much you like Buddhism, your child may decide his/her path is Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, or nothing religious at all. They are not a mini-you to raise up. One of the hardest things in parenting, when they are young, is letting go to all the preconceived things you thought your children would be, and the kind of parent you thought they would be.
I read a quote by Neil Degrasse Tyson the other day, when parents ask him how to get kids interested in science, he tells them "get out of their way." Set things out for them to explore, don't attach your own use or belief about the item, just put it there and see what they do with it. Parents have a problem when children introduce disorder into the neat, ordered lives parents have created. Sit down, shut up and let them explore their own way...not under your adult limited view of the world. It's much harder to do than it seems, lol. But is extremely beneficial. Your children are there to teach you just as much as you are there to teach them, and if you are open to that, you will learn so much about yourself and other ways to see the world.
Federica, I am not sure if the you in 'you criticise and condemn this man for converting to Islam?' refers to me. If it is, then I would like to clarify that I do not criticise and condemn this man. It is his right to convert and his right to walk the path he chooses. But if you live among such people, you'd probably just get as scared, that's all.
In the same way, when I wrote of the late Rev. Abhinyana's view on raising children, I also wrote of what I thought which was just not in accordance with the monk's view. I didn't say I advocate that. You didn't that I suppose but you really come out strong in your views. While the late Rev. Abhinyana did not admonish me, you seem to have just done that. I may be wrong but do you have to come out so strong and harsh?
No, I asked you a question.
Your post implied that this was a man you condemned.
we get to be fearful of not teaching our children what we believe is right.
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That's how it came across. I actually found it unbelievable that you could adopt such a stance....
That's why I sought clarification....
But neither I, nor the Forum founders will tolerate any form of blatant discrimination.
It's simply utterly unacceptable.
I DO live among such people. I live in the UK, where the most common boy's name is Mohammed, and the chosen representative National Dish is Chicken Tikka Masala.
So I live right in the midst of communities, everywhere, where there is a constant presence of Muslims.
They never ever give me cause to be alarmed, scared or resentful towards them, at all. In fact, my bridesmaid was from Pakistan....
I'm not sure what point you're trying to make here.
You must be aware that Malaysia is a majority Muslim country.
@footiam
Perhaps a better explanation about why this character is controversial to some Malaysians would help.
I think that would be a great help..... ? And also why 'living among such people I'd probably get sacred as well'....?
I'm a bit confused as well. I've lived among Muslims and all sorts of others and never been afraid. When I took a bus from Denver once, I was not only the only white person on the bus but one of the only females and I wasn't scared. Fear is a choice. Not only that, but by being afraid, you make yourself more likely to be a victim because just like animals, people predate on those who they can sense are "weaker", including those living in fear.
Some humans prey on the weak. Others protect the weak That's why we are different from animals.
Fear is not a choice, in my experience. I suppose you could say that ignorance and prejudice is a choice. It's a choice once you've seen another way to live anyway.
Everyone experiences fear, but that doesn't mean we just have to suffer with it, that we can't do anything about it. That we have to fear every situation that we've previously feared. That's what I meant. Once upon a time, I was afraid of dogs because one chased me. I chose to give other dogs a chance because I didn't want to be afraid anymore, and not only am I not afraid of them anymore but they don't over react to me because of my fear of them. Any fearful situation can be re-trained and handled in similar fashion. It doesn't mean we never experience fear again, but we don't have to live in fear of groups of people (or other things) for long periods of time just because. We can choose to get out of that cycle.
Very true @karasti. I recently saw an interview with a guy who spent a lot of time with the family of one of the young men who was involved in the Columbine massacre (Dylan Klebold I believe) for a book he was writing. He said that you would not meet two better, caring parents.