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I was doing a little vipassana today, and I noticed that there were some memories surfacing, of trips to the cinema with friends some 15 years ago. These memories were unexpectedly painful but I had a hard time telling why... the whole time period seemed suffused with a kind of suffering and loneliness, while I had people around me who I would have called friends.
So I’ve been doing some introspecting, trying to get to the bottom of why I feel this way, and I think it is because a lot of the friendships I had in that period were essentially empty, and at heart I really was suffering and alone and lacking love. I was a fairly senior figure in the company I worked for at the time and had some key responsibilities at a young age, and I think people found it convenient to be my friend but there was no real feeling there. Perhaps I do one or two people a disservice there, there was a liking, something real, but not the bond I was looking for at the time...
It’s funny how meditation brings these things to the foreground. I think ultimately the lesson for me is that through inaction I was not bringing the elements into my life that I had a real need of, and so I was creating my own suffering.