Equanimity or Masochism?
Kotishka
Veteran
There are people in our lives who — even though they are or have been important to us — exhibit behavior that inevitably causes not only suffering but also becomes a potential disruptor, affecting our day-to-day routine. Like thorns or shrapnel beneath dead leaves, they latch onto us.
Some say they are the ones suffering; that we should remain calm and continue our abiding — being there for them, inviting them to meals, trying to be active with them, etc.
But at what point can one simply allow themselves a break from their presence? I mean, I hold no grudges nor ill will, but continuing to help or assist someone who is clearly manipulating you for their instrumental benefit — all while persisting in the very patterns they’ve been confronted about — feels like folly.
I know that our perception of injustice can be dangerous, as it can create a thirst for revenge or so-called “justice.”
I simply want to live and be surrounded by others who at least show some willingness to enjoy life and not harm or hate others. I know life is full of challenging times and difficult people, but until those arise, I’d rather keep my social sphere and home clean.
When can someone give up and let go? When do we draw the line between maintaining an equanimous mind and fostering a masochistic one?
https://buddhaweekly.com/wp-content/uploads/Buddha-Weekly-Jizo-saves-the-demons-in-hell-Buddhism.jpg
Comments
I think this ultimately comes down to the wisdom of skillful means, a definitive line that applies to everyone in all situations isn't going to work.
That said, I think there is some line between being able to maintain your own composure and peace of mind and extending and sacrificing that to be of benefit to others. If you're destroying yourself in the hopes of helping on the one end or sequestering yourself so you don't get a drop of disturbance to your peace of mind on the other, I feel like the balance lies somewhere between there for different people depending on the situation and their capacity or aims.
I have a regular client I work for who is a ball of stress and catastrophizing. She is wealthy and almost solely looks to manage her stress by manipulating the outside world. She builds a very nice home and life around her and regularly manages things that disrupt that bubble through anger and force. I feel like my working for her has shown her other ways of coping with the world, I've seen her adopt strategies that I use. But I'm ready to be done with working for her as it always bumps up my own stress and anxiety. She knows she's difficult to work with and as such pays well to compensate and she has other positive qualities. Its just like at some point when I start dreading a project starting there and am happy to be moving on when its done, do I really want to continue?
I think the reliance on a routine is a dangerous thing. One can ossify, slowly turning into a machine. Chaos is not a bad thing, in that it challenges you to find peace among the turmoil. That said, a routine can help one find quiet and space to meditate. The middle way between these extremes is most helpful.
From what you’ve said, this person continues to not only cause suffering but disrupts your ability to practice. To me this sounds like a toxic influence that I’d keep at arms length, perhaps confined to a WhatsApp chat but not actively engaged with in person, so that you can take them in small doses and when it suits you.
You can tell a lot about a person from the company he keeps.
“I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was living among the Sakyans. Now there is a Sakyan town named Sakkara. There Ven. Ananda went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to the Blessed One, sat to one side. As he was sitting there, Ven. Ananda said to the Blessed One, "This is half of the holy life, lord: admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie."
"Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.””
— The Upaddha Sutta
I'll take some umbrage with this phrasing. Reliance on a routine CAN be a dangerous thing for the reason you said and others. It also CAN free up mental and emotional bandwidth for use in other things.
Chaos CAN be a bad thing. It can drain and disperse our energy so we're less able to focus on what's important. It also CAN help disrupt harmful patterns or offer opportunities to develop skill in managing our minds in the inevitable chaos of the world.
Right, its about tuning the strings so they can play. If their too loose, tightening them is good, if they're too tight loosening them is good. The skillfulness is in the relation to the tuning rather than in the tightness/looseness.
I’ll stand by the original phrasing. Use of a routine can have positive aspects, but once it turns into reliance it is dangerous. Note that I haven’t said it is always bad, I think there is some interplay between a routine which is on the cusp between use and reliance, and one which has moved some way into reliance, before it can be said to have become stultifying.
I guess you didn't say a routine is bad, you said reliance on it is bad. Then what does reliance mean exactly? Edit: And can someone rely on a routine without becoming an ossified machine?
I routinely breathe, get up, eat, defecate etc
I masochistically include these into the disciple of equanimity.
For example:
Thus have I heard: “In the ultimate world, there is no justice nor injustice… There just is.”
But we live in the conventional world, where justice and injustice are woven into the fabric of daily life, yin and yang, light and shadow. The choices we make matter.
For the most part, I find contentment in my daily life, even with its ups and downs. But when I witness harm being inflicted upon others, especially when it is deliberate, systemic, or denied, I feel compelled to speak out, to do what I can to bring justice to the table.
Because if we are willing to turn a blind eye to the suffering of others, especially when that suffering is intentionally inflicted, it is a sign that humanity has lost its way.
Our perception of injustice can be dangerous if it leads only to vengeance. There is a fine line between justice and revenge. But many traditions , legal, moral, spiritual, teach us that true justice is not so much about punishment, but about restoration, balance, and the protection of dignity and rights.
For me, if I were to remain silent in the face of injustice, I would become complicit in it. To justify inaction because “it’s not my problem” is to forget that our lives are interwoven.
Justice, then, is not an abstract ideal. It is a practice, a willingness to see, to feel, and to act. It requires courage, compassion.
You make some interesting points @Kotishka definitely food for thought to ponder.
One thing I try to keep in mind is that some are more fortunate than others when it comes to riding the waves of the ocean of samsara. Life’s circumstances are a mixed bag. Even among Buddhist practitioners, some have found a way to navigate the ups and downs with more ease, while others carry heavier burdens, making the journey more difficult.
But with practice, these burdens can gradually lessen over time. Bit by bit, the load becomes lighter, and the waters more familiar.
First me and the Buddha are getting engaged, then married, then hell realms for our honeymoon...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engaged_Buddhism
Be there or bumble be...
Socially engaged buddhism... I think this adaptation is necessary in our age. From the Wikipedia article you shared I stumbled upon this:
The Fourteen Precepts of Engaged Buddhism:
"Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth.
Do not think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice nonattachment from views in order to be open to receive others’ viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times.
Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness.
Do not avoid contact with suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. Find ways to be with those who are suffering, including personal contact, visits, images, and sounds. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.
Do not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry. Do not take as the aim of your life Fame, profit, wealth, or sensual pleasure. Live simply and share time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need.
Do not maintain anger or hatred. Learn to penetrate and transform them when they are still seeds in your consciousness. As soon as they arise, turn your attention to your breath in order to see and understand the nature of your hatred.
Do not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings. Practice mindful breathing to come back to what is happening in the present moment. Be in touch with what is wondrous, refreshing, and healing both inside and around you. Plant seeds of joy, peace, and understanding in yourself in order to facilitate the work of transformation in the depths of your consciousness.
Do not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.
Do not say untruthful things for the sake of personal interest or to impress people. Do not utter words that cause division and hatred. Do not spread news that you do not know to be certain. Do not criticize or condemn things of which you are not sure. Always speak truthfully and constructively. Have the courage to speak out about situations of injustice, even when doing so may threaten your own safety.
Do not use the Buddhist community for personal gain or profit, or transform your community into a political party. A religious community, however, should take a clear stand against oppression and injustice and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts.
Do not live with a vocation that is harmful to humans and nature. Do not invest in companies that deprive others of their chance to live. Select a vocation that helps realize your ideal of compassion.
Do not kill. Do not let others kill. Find whatever means possible to protect life and prevent war.
Possess nothing that should belong to others. Respect the property of others, but prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.
Do not mistreat your body. Learn to handle it with respect. Do not look on your body as only an instrument. Preserve vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realization of the Way. (For brothers and sisters who are not monks and nuns:) Sexual expression should not take place without love and commitment. In sexual relationships, be aware of future suffering that may be caused. To preserve the happiness of others, respect the rights and commitments of others. Be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world. Meditate on the world into which you are bringing new beings."
I have come upon a group called [decided not to share for obvious reasons] which is left-anarchist inclined. I was appalled to see how many members justified killing, like in he case of Luigi Mangione.
One constant argument I see derived from this perception of injustice is how greedy corporate executives and tyrants will not change because of compassionate dialogue. I do see their point but in the long run, does it actually change anything or does it perpetuate the cycle of violence in different forms or ways?
I think I will be reading Thich Nhat Hanh's Interbeing book (which is where the 14 precepts are from!) for some answers!