When Compassion Meets Mrs Tosh...

Tosh

I'm in trouble!

I'm in A.A. and I asked a sponsee what his plans were for Christmas. He's three months sober, working on his amends, he's living in a rented room, and he's doing very well all things considered.

Anyway, his plans were to just stay in his room, by himself, and watch TV; so I invited him round to our house for Christmas dinner! Sounds great eh?

Well, Mrs Tosh didn't think so; in fact she was quite cross that I didn't run it past her first, but in my defence, we did discuss this in a general way some time ago, and she had said that she wouldn't let one of 'my' alkies spend Christmas alone. I guess this is one of those 'when theory meets reality' occasions for her. She does suffer from depression at times, and she's also a quiet and private person in general. And she has met the alkie in question and he's quite a sane one (honest). He's an ex infantry army officer (he was a Major), he has a degree in law, and was privately educated; but I think all that is another problem for her, since he's quite posh, educated, intelligent, and articulate. I know she'll feel inferior, despite the fact he's an alkie and I'm his 'spiritual guide' through the 12 Steps.

The current state of play is that she's not happy with me, and I'm thinking that after a few nights sleep she'll be okay with the idea. And she may even enjoy the extra company; and it'll all turn out okay in the end.

However, another option is for me to speak with my sponsee and explain honestly what the score is, and ask if he'd phone me to cancel under some pretence at a prearranged time when Mrs Tosh is about. But this means he'll still be alone on Christmas day.

What do you wise lot reckon?

Raven

It's hard to say, because I don't know your wife. If you think after a few nights of it she will truly be ok (not fake ok, where she puts on a good face and then murders you later), then ask her to forgive you for not consulting her before issuing the invitation, and let her know you appreciate her supporting your community activity.

If she's going to fake-ok it and make you pay for it later, then an honest conversation with your sponsee (one that doesn't put the blame on Mrs Tosh - no, "Sorry dude, but my wife is so...." type of conversations) and let him know that you spoke out of turn. I don't know a lot about AA but I think accepting responsibility is in there somewhere, right?

It sounds like your heart's in the right place, and since you'd discussed it before, hopefully it'll be ok. Maybe she was more mad that you didn't confirm with her before asking him?

Dandelion

Tricky one. Could you ask your wife what she would have said if you had asked her before offering your sponsee to celebrate with you? Chances are, if she has said in conversation in the past that she would not want one of your sponsee's to spend Christmas on their own, that she will say that she would have said it was ok. I think Raven makes a good point - she was perhaps more mad that you didn't confirm with her first. Women, more so than a men, (although I do realise this is a generalisation), will be considering Christmas, and the logistics, the build up in practical terms perhaps more than a man which may be why she has reacted badly; she hasn't mentally prepared for an extra person and feels discombobulated. All this is guess work on my behalf though, but I hope things work out well for all three of you.

Raven

Women, more so than a men, (although I do realise this is a generalisation), will be considering Christmas, and the logistics, the build up in practical terms perhaps more than a man which may be why she has reacted badly; she hasn't mentally prepared for an extra person and feels discombobulated.

This is a very good point. Not to generalize too much or come off as sexist, but the family holiday prep is often (no, not always) more on the women than the men. It may seem like just one more person, but for the hostess who is organizing, budgeting, trying to keep track of everything, it can be a big thing.

Telly03

I like to think a relationship should be such that the Mr or Mrs should have to ability to make a decision to help someone in this manner without first acquiring permission... but that's my fantasy land. In reality, my Mrs would probably react much like Mrs Tosh.

Raven

Telly, I don't think it's about "permission" as much as communication. Partners should be equal, so one should not be granting permission. Further, as partners, communication should be open and decisions should be made together.

Telly03

@Raven OK, maybe trust is a better word? The situation I have in my head is when your in a situation that requires a decision to do what you feel is right and you are not with your spouse or on the phone with them. Not making the decision to forward an invite because you didn't check in first with your spouse is not the most trusting relationship. I trust the call my wife would make in such a situation... If I have issues with it, we'll discuss it, but I would not be upset with her for making the call she believed was right.

Jeffrey

I think that's a good idea to let her choose. If she says no then you can see how she needs to have the space in the house clear. If she says yes then that becomes a way that she can participate in the goodness. What do I know though?

dorje

@Tosh

Can I ask you a few things?

1. Is your wife budgeting for Christmas?
2. Is your wife in charge for preparations (logistics, cleaning, invitations, etc.)?

If the answer is "Yes" to any one of these questions, I would think that it would be at least polite to discuss with her first. Imagine the stress she has to go through just to accommodate one more person into the picture. It might be something small and trivial for us guys, but if you put yourself into her shoes you might think things differently.

I worked in events management before, and accommodating one more person into an event can be a logistical catastrophe, especially when you're on a tight budget and on a tight deadline.

I think it's best for you to talk to her and empathize with her. Tell her that while you understand the stress she's going through, you would still want to invite your sponsee to your house for Christmas. Offer to help her in any way she requires. And discuss with her the next time such a thing happens.

Tosh

Thanks for the advice, guys; and last night before we went to bed, I took Raven's suggestion about apologising for speaking out of turn and Mrs Tosh told me not to go on about it.

And this morning, while I was still in bed, my sponsee phoned me; he was crying and Mrs Tosh could hear us speaking. He's having a tough time and mornings are particularly bad for him, and she could hear that - maybe she can see that he's human, just like the rest of us - and she seems to have softened to the idea of having him around; so I think it'll turn out okay.

And I'm the chef in our house; so it's me planning the Christmas dinner, preparing for it, and cooking it. Mrs Tosh will do most of the cleaning up though (but I do clean as I go); however, my sponsee will no doubt help her!

Mrs Tosh's cooking is abysmal (she's Welsh - I know I know!); when she cooks I get a lesson in not being attached to nice tasting food!

Raven

Good morning!
I'm glad to hear that you and Mrs Tosh patched things up. That's wonderful! It sounds like Mrs Tosh (like you!) has a good heart, and can see that you are doing something good for someone. A moment of being rubbed the wrong way? Perhaps - it happens to the best of us.

By the way, tasting the food is clearly the most important job in the kitchen.