Dealing with setbacks? Diminished will

CosmicGypsy

I'm back, after about a year of feeling sorry for myself and drinking copious amounts of alcohol after, quite ironically, my Uncle - who I loved dearly - drank himself to death.

I still feel much the same way as I did previously, and have the same human flaws as I did previously. But over the last 12 months my will to better myself has been at an all-time low, and I've simply ignored my decency compass. In this period I've began eating meat again, drunk a lot of alcohol, smoked a lot of tobacco, and all but stopped exercise. I tried going to the doctors to be put on citalopram again, but thankfully the doctor was a good one and refused.

Without question I've been suffering from depression. Though I think with a full year passing I've turned the page and stopped making excuses for myself, stopped feeling sorry for myself. And, for the first time, I think I'm ready to put in authentic effort to life-ideals and ways of living that I've always championed, but never really seen through. I've always talked well, but never done much in the way of walking.

I'm just wondering, as a point of conversation, who else has suffered similar setbacks and demotivation? Who else has found it a struggle to commit to buddhist principles? Has a loss put you off of Buddhist practices, has it made you take it more seriously?(I'm imagining so being that you're here) I'm drunk now, and was just listening to the song played at my uncles funeral, the lyrics struck me like a bolt of lightning ---- "The hill to happiness is far too steep, I'll carry on regardless". Well, I'm bored of sitting at the bottom of the hill and feeling sorry for myself, I think I'd rather get up and carry on regardless.

I guess it's a conversation and in a way I'm getting to speak about something I've kept to myself, but I've really struggled this last year and I'm hoping I can now get back into good habits and routine, rather than being selfish and making my own family suffer because I want to feel sorry for myself and act out. I gave up smoking two months ago, I think tomorrow I'll kick the drink and start behaving responsibly.

Does anyone have any wise words or stories? I know this forum has a lot of westerners with a similar background to myself and so a kick up the arse from you lot would be appreciated.

I'm sorry if it's all a bit vague, my mind is a bit a vague too, just looking for a bit of direction and encouragement.

CosmicGypsy

Think I'm ready to get off the slide

seeker242

I think everyone "falls off the Buddhist wagon" at one point or another. All you can really do is just get back on and keep going. Heck, even monks and teachers fall off the wagon sometimes! Not even knowing that you have fallen off the wagon though, that is the dangerous part!

Just knowing that you have is the first step to getting back on it and you have already taken that step! That is good! That is practicing "right mindfulness"

So you already have one cheek back in the seat, since you are already practicing right mindfulness, hehe.

CosmicGypsy

Nice to see you're still here seeker, always enjoyed your insight in the past.

I guess you're right, but the difference for me is I don't think I was ever on the proverbial wagon. I really thought I was getting somewhere a year or two back and was ready to hop on it, but then the family issues came about.

So I'm hoping with the insight and help of the great members on here I can make an effort to get back on it. I have a few questions about anxiety/health but I think I'll ask those tomorrow when I'm in a better state of mind.

I've also become addicted to COD Modern Warfare 3, so that's another thread for tomorrow!

How have you been keeping?

Tosh

CosmicGypsy said:

I think tomorrow I'll kick the drink

If tomorrow comes and you find you're still drinking try A.A.. Don't let the 'God word' put you off, I'm an atheist in A.A.. You don't need to be sober to go to A.A., you only need a DESIRE to stop drinking to be a member.

And if you're a fan of forums, maybe give e-AA a look or Sober Recovery and start investigating your drinking. Depression and alcoholism also often go hand-in-hand; you're not unique in that sense - though I'm not implying you're an alcoholic; that's for you to realise (or not; whatever is the case).

My experience is that when I stopped drinking I often felt worse, which made me drink again. I had to do a lot more than simply 'put the plug in the jug'.

Anyway, I wish you luck.

CosmicGypsy

Thanks Tosh, I've probably come across as being in a worse state than I am. I drink, at the moment, about once a week(for about 3 months). But before that I've been drinking Friday-Saturday, and quite often Thursday. So a fair amount, but it's more the purpose than the routine.

It's not so much that I'm a habitual drinker, at least not by British standards, but rather that I've been drinking for the sake of getting drunk. Binge drinking hard, and it has no benefit or merit. I've been doing it because it's a brief release from feeling down. It's alcoholism by definition as you know, and I don't want to downplay it or I wouldn't have made this thread broadcasting my regression, but it's not at a progressed stage whereby it's something that requires intervention or AA meetings, in my honest opinion.

It's a bit difficult to put into words, because I do have a "problem" in technical terms, and by my own standards it's a problem. So when I say I'll stop drinking that's exactly what I'll do, which is precisely what I did when I got bored of smoking and realised the triviality and pointless of it.

I've used both (drinking and smoking) recently as a form of self medicating, to give me boosts in happiness I guess, which is the same reason why I've started eating meat again, for the pleasure of it, a release from my otherwise "sober" state. An attachment, right? Clinging to external things for pleasure/happiness because I've not been content without. It's one of the tihngs that drew me to Buddhism originally, the futility of people looking outside themselves for happiness in life.

Just a selfish, reckless state of feeling sorry for myself. It's an unhealthy and unproductive habit no doubt, undertaken for pleasure, in much the same way as eating meat is. But it's not something I need or depend upon, I can quite easily, and will quite easily, give it up.

If I struggle - and I'm sure I won't, but if I do - I'll have no problem kicking my ego to the side and seeking help.

But maybe I'll get in touch with AA just to see what they're about. Since my Uncle passed I've had an urge to work with and help organisations dealing with addiction and social problems.

Chris

CosmicGypsy

Another proverbial "kick up the arse" has been seeing my sister do really well in college and get into her desired university, as well as seeing my brothers college course pay off and for him to find a good job. It's made me want to do better, as a human and a brother, to set a better example for my little brother and sister. After all, there's nothing I'm feeling or have felt that they haven't.

It's about 1 am here so I have to go, but I'll be back tomorrow with some more topics I'm sure

zsc

I suffered from depression all my life, but it turned out to be bipolar. I started the practice again after I was treated with medication and therapy. I can't advocate therapy enough for your situation! It helped me so I can finally make something of myself.

Geoff-Allen

I also have suffered from shizophrenia & depression since 1983.

I NEVER thought I would get into meditation but it helps ENORMOUSLY!

Here's a site I would reccommend -

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm

Best of luck!

Geoff-Allen

Back again ...

On the subject of meditation, here's a page that might prove helpful -

http://www.befriendingourselves.com/Tonglen.html

Namaste

Geoff-Allen

Just been listening to an MP3 dharma talk -

http://tinyurl.com/8rntgb7

Hope this helps