How to deal with feeling 'intimidated' with certain people??

zenmyste

To be honest im not even sure intimidated is the cotrect word because im not 'frightened' of these people.... But let me explain;

There are types of people who i cannot stand! They make me feel uncomfortable. Im not sure if anyone here has heard of the slang word SCALLYS (mainly in the UK i think)

Well scallys are a type of person who are basically scum, low life, mainly in gangs, think they own the world, they go through life hurting people, bullying them

In other words they are adult bullies...

Anyway, ive come to terms with the fact that these people exist in the world and i am fine with that! But then how do i 'deal' with them when im around them. I just get so uncomfortable because im completely the opposite.

Ive got morals, im clean, fresh, polite, compassionate, (ive tried being compassionae with scallys) but it gets really hard when they are just completely vile and rude people!

Anyway, any tips or books etc , on how to deal with such people.. ?

misecmisc1

my thinking says: let them be they. let you be you. don't try to make them you. don't make you them. whatever arises, ceases. what others are doing is their business. their business is not your business. please mind only your business. have patience and try to act morally correct with right intention from within you. if my words sound harsh to you, then i am sorry, but above is my suggestion to you.

metta to you and all sentient beings.

Citta

I don't know if you are familiar with the concept of 'guardianship of the eyes ' Zenmyste.
It was recommended by the Buddha according to the Pali Canon.
Basically it means in certain situations..it would include the scenario you have described and also would apply when walking through Brewer Street in Soho ( ) basically you make your body language neutral and keep your eyes on the ground about three feet ahead.

Chrysalid

What citta said. Never make eye contact unless they're talking to you personally, never answer back, be polite. These people enjoy anger and violence, they get a kick out of it so they'll try to provoke you into saying or doing something which gives them an excuse to attack you. This is what I do and haven't had any trouble, my friend once made the mistake of talking back to a groups of chavs when they commented on his trainers, he got a black eye as his reward.

lobster

how to deal with such people..

As a scallywag, I am often called on to intimidate the excluders and clean living/virtuous . . . I even offer a free 'monk kicking service', for those monks causing trouble by offering dharma from ignorance.

Kick and bully them back into the practice hall until enlightened I say . . .

You don't have to deal with 'these people', what you have to deal with is your sense of fear/discomfort/intimidation.

http://www.wakeupcloud.com/overcoming-fear/

Vastmind

I'm not with the idea of 'ignoring people'....or looking down..
doesn't seem very open to me....
Kill 'em with kindness, I say.
I agree with lobster....that it's your fear that's the problem...not them.
What's causing the discomfort? What are you afraid of?
Are you afraid you can't handle the situation? Tools are needed for
that.

Nevermind

Is avoidance out of the question?

Citta

Citta said:

I don't know if you are familiar with the concept of 'guardianship of the eyes ' Zenmyste.
It was recommended by the Buddha according to the Pali Canon.
Basically it means in certain situations..it would include the scenario you have described and also would apply when walking through Brewer Street in Soho ( ) basically you make your body language neutral and keep your eyes on the ground about three feet ahead.

So the Buddha was wrong ?....That was the Buddha's suggestion..Citta merely pointed it out.
Our responsibility in such a situation is to remain mindful.Thats it. Not to impose our values by force ,or even by reason.

Zero

zenmyste said:

There are types of people who i cannot stand! They make me feel uncomfortable. Im not sure if anyone here has heard of the slang word SCALLYS (mainly in the UK i think)

Well scallys are a type of person who are basically scum, low life, mainly in gangs, think they own the world, they go through life hurting people, bullying them

Scally or chav is a label - the fluid person capable of all expressions is replaced by a rigid set of predetermined characteristics.
Scum and low life made me pause... not words that I would naturally use to describe another human being - what purpose does it serve to misguide one's own view?
Perhaps consider each person you encounter as an individual rather than as a class.

Citta

Why have a strategy at all ?
Our 'job' is to be mindful and to take responsibility for our own actions. Not to be Officer Krupke or Pollyanna.
If we stay with the breath in all situations, whether attractive or aversive , then things tend to work out best for all concerned. Its NOT a soft option..we would much sooner have control. Whether that control is exercised overtly or by being 'nice'.
Real openness is simply being present, with the breath, to what is. With positive regard.
That is the key also to individual transactions like Cognitive Behavioural interventions.

zenmyste

Thanks everyone.

Zero wrote;

"Perhaps consider each person you encounter as an individual rather than as a class"

But the reality of it is, they put themselves in that class.

I wouldnt judge if they didnt act the way they do...

I think the reality is labels will always exist in life. Whether we practice buddhism or not, whether we want them to exist or not.. people create 'labels' for themselves im not saying its right ir wrong , im just saying labels do exist and always will!

These people act a certain way.
I have tried to be compassionate and understanding etc etc.. But when someone does something which is blatantly hurtful or rude then im sorry but i will call them scum (even if thats a label)

Scum people do exist in the world and they insist in making others uncomfortable!

Ive met 'poor' people who are the nicest people in the world, so its not like im judging where they are from or how much money theyve got etc...

Im judging their actions towards others!

Anyway, its mentally exhausting even thinking about them so im going offline for the night... Sorry! (Bed Zzzzz)

Vastmind

It cracks Vastmind up when people talk in third person, hahaha

The OP is walking off so I'll leave it alone after this...but you could
have addressed me straight on....I was prepared to discuss my
opninion/outlook. Was I prepared to say 'Buddha was wrong'?......
C'mon now... :rolleyes:

Yes, 'Pollyanna' can roll her eyes.....I'm mindful enough to know
you went there again.
I go in peace.

@Citta

Dakini

@zenmyste, it's hard to advise without more info. Are you talking about random people encountered now and then? Are you talking about petty, vindictive or manipulative people in the workplace or some other context where you have to interact with such people regularly? Those are two very different situations that would require two different responses/coping techniques.

Citta

Vastmind said:

It cracks Vastmind up when people talk in third person, hahaha

The OP is walking off so I'll leave it alone after this...but you could
have addressed me straight on....I was prepared to discuss my
opninion/outlook. Was I prepared to say 'Buddha was wrong'?......
C'mon now... :rolleyes:

Yes, 'Pollyanna' can roll her eyes.....I'm mindful enough to know
you went there again.
I go in peace.

@Citta

The third person stuff was supposed to be a joke A glance through my replies will soon show that I only do that for effect ....occasionally.
I truly dont know what you mean by 'you went in there again'..
Two nations seperated by a common tongue ?

Zero

zenmyste said:

But the reality of it is, they put themselves in that class.

I wouldnt judge if they didnt act the way they do...

im just saying labels do exist and always will!

These people act a certain way.

Scum people do exist in the world and they insist in making others uncomfortable!

Im judging their actions towards others!

That class or set of conditions must exist in your mind before you encounter a situation to grade it against - so there are a set of triggers and thresholds to overcome before a set of behaviours (perhaps individually or collectively) amount to something you recognise as say, scum - and over time you will have a set response to 'scum'... that feels to me like 'looking for trouble and being armed for trouble'

For example, bullying is a trait displayed by a wider group than scallys - whenever two or more people interact, there is a quid pro quo and in that exchange there is a shifting balance... some might even say that our own traits bully us!!

Scally is in a way dehumanising and thus degrading and synonymous with division.

Labels exist I think because they are so deliciously in tune with the way we automatically think - opting out of labels to some extent may be beneficial in the sense that it allows one to partake more wholeheartedly in the richness that life offers rather than risk being blinkered into the expected.

Mindfull

Don't try to think with judgement, I know its hard. Try thinking thru your heart and have compassion for the one thing you have both have in common, SUFFERING. They are no different to you or me or any sentinel being who has not been enlightened in this life, we all suffer.

Be careful not to pity them, just know they are suffering, you may in your next meditation want to wish that all there suffering and yours will be replaced with happiness and enlightenment.

These are only my thoughts.

lobster

I am the other
lower class
despised
to be avoided

It was me
Buddha Mindless
mind you

I was in your avoidance
in your acceptance
in your judge dread stair

I am the Nature
Buddha
Try a new wave :wave:

aMatt

Get out of the way of the bus. The ones on the street who seem to enjoy doing harm, and the ones in our head that dislike that quality enough to shoot ick at our siblings. A more interesting question might be "what else could I do with this fear?"

footiam

Avoid them like the plague. You can be very distant when they are near.

karasti

I like to remember a quote of TNH when I have to deal with challenging people.
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.”

So I try to think if there is a way I can help. Sometimes I can, sometimes I cannot, but if I cannot, I simply move on.

Why are you having to interact with such people at all? Is it part of your job?

That said, no being is truly the scum of the earth. Scum of the earth even has a place in our world. So does every person. We all have a hard time with certain people. But even if they assign themselves a label it doesn't mean you have to accept the label they have given themselves. When someone falls into, or assigns/chooses a label for themselves, they actually look to the world to validate or refute that label. The more people that validate it, the further they identify with that label. Sometimes it only takes one person to find them a better label. Many times people who have such labels are assigned their labels by their parents and other people in their lives, and they simply continue to carry it. You can either continue to contribute to and validate that label for them, or you can do otherwise.

maarten

I agree with "make your body language neutral and keep your eyes on the ground about three feet ahead". Once the other person starts asking himself why nice people are avoiding contact, that's when he or she is ready to make a change.

Citta

Precisely. It is not up to us to judge OR to change people. Accepting things just as they are means just that. That can be a huge catalyst for change..when we get out of the way.
With choiceless awareness even frogs and walls change.
But its hard.
Every instinct is telling us go into aversion mode, or to make things better. And we don't know what's better.

wrathfuldeity

OP, there is the internal (introspective investigation of your reactive aversion) and external strategies of how to manage your image/energy when encountering the "unsavory" folks. It is a spectrum of or levels of interventions (for lack of a better word); anyway I like to use a framework of the 7 charkra system to view spectrum of both the internal and external interaction/exchange...which is ultimately just a tool that might help to sort things out.

I deal with a fair amount of society's unsavory folks in my work and from my experience its mostly about managing the "vibe" I'm putting out, i.e., being fearless yet humble while being mindful. I rarely get hassled on the streets nor intimidated and I often acknowledge these folks with a brief nod or eye contact and present a image that I can take care of myself however I am not challenging nor looking for trouble. Most of the time, I feel that I am aware of them before they are aware of me...and thus do take reasonable avoidance measures. Now, on the other hand, I recognize that there are hungry ghost and in a sense they are also the gatekeepers of safe passage and it does well to freely offer them a small sacrifice and blessing.

Vastmind

:wave:

Zayl

I met a Chav once, he insulted my shoes. "Oi! why da'FUCK are you wearin' dem shoes M8?) At first I looked at him askance, then I noticed he was wearing more or less the same shoes. I pointed and said "Yeah they're a tad uncomfortable right?" then we talked about how shitty our shoes were for a few moments, before going our separate ways.

This won't happen all the time, just remember that a lot of these people just act plain aggressive because that is how they are. They might not mean anything by it, unless you react badly, then they might go so far as to think that you are demeaning them. I just respond as if I've known them for a bit, even if it is my first time meeting them. You'd be surprised at how well this approach works for people in general, not just scally's, chavs, bullies, etc.

Beej

:wave:

poptart

Zayl said:

I met a Chav once, he insulted my shoes. "Oi! why da'FUCK are you wearin' dem shoes M8?) At first I looked at him askance, then I noticed he was wearing more or less the same shoes. I pointed and said "Yeah they're a tad uncomfortable right?" then we talked about how shitty our shoes were for a few moments, before going our separate ways.

This won't happen all the time, just remember that a lot of these people just act plain aggressive because that is how they are. They might not mean anything by it, unless you react badly, then they might go so far as to think that you are demeaning them. I just respond as if I've known them for a bit, even if it is my first time meeting them. You'd be surprised at how well this approach works for people in general, not just scally's, chavs, bullies, etc.

An interesting approach, Zayl. I wonder how often these them-and-us divisions we perceive are really just communications breakdowns. For example, people generally perceive teenage boys as a threat but my experience of having raised two is they are actually trying to hide the agony of self-consciousness and insecurity they feel. Appearances can be misleading.