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Interpreting my emotions and desires.
Woah93
Veteran
I have recently made a decision to take responsibility in my life and I am still trying to figure out the puzzle to get to a point where I can work on being more stable, present, confident in my skin and empathic. I have always been a dreamer. A thinker. I have been going through life analyzing everything, making up situations, places, times and persons. All with different story's and scenario's. I'm very creative as well, was an excellent drawer as a kid and am now a music producer. Creativity is always there. Idea's, concepts, story's they flow constantly. Anyway that's just a little something about me as a person.
I have been practicing mindfulness and meditation practice and it's opened a new world. I have come to the realization that I'm not necessarily my mind. I'm the one observing the mind. For the first time in my 20 years here on earth I realized this. I have always trusted everything it said without considering I have a choice. I pursued every thought and did it over and over again until I felt I made the right choice or came to the right conclusion.
I have noticed however that while I feel content and I'm definitely learning about myself there is one major bump in the road that's causing me to get lost in the present moment and into thinking again.
When I started meditation I suspect something happened. I fell in love with a person I was in love with 3 years ago. I was so deeply in love, felt such a connection to her, it was like looking her in the eye and simply knowing what she was thinking about.
Nothing really happened except for a lot of intimacy and a few kisses here and there but we weren't in a relationship or had sex. To top it off she was 10 years older then me (I was 18), I wasn't ready to receive kindness let alone love and while I think she knew I liked her I also unknowingly rejected a lot of her interest towards me now that I look back at it.
Eventually we moved on, she got with another guy and that was that.
Or so I thought. When I started mindfulness just a few weeks ago all the feelings washed over me in the same intensity as I had them then. I thought I forgot what it felt like but here I am, having a crush on the same person. How did this happen? Can you surpress feelings that bad that they simply didn't go away at all for 3 years?
The really weird part is is that this is a major deja vu. I started meditating, thought of her and the feelings popped up, and a few days after that I get asked to work in the holiday where she works. And now the situation is almost exactly the same. Chatting in the workplace, laughing together a lot, it's exactly the same as how I remember it going 3 years ago, and when I pay attention I can see the same spark developing in the same way it did then. It's so odd that this happens almost immediately after the feelings popped up, I'm not a spiritual person per se but still hehe.
Sad part: She is with someone.
Now my honest question. How do I interpret what I'm feeling? Is it running away from loneliness? Hurt? Is it remembering good times? Is it my ego wanting to have another shot? I'm having an extremely hard time figuring out my motives. I have come to the conclusion that I really do like her for who she is. Sex is never on the mind, owning her is never on the mind. But for some reason I can't explain this girl makes me want to be around her 24/7. Talk to her, listen to her, hug her, hold her and the list goes on.
What do you do in this situation? Is it a sign that I should run away as fast as possible to avoid a toxic situation for me? Do I be her friend and try not to get hopes? (nearly impossible...) My gut says love her, be her friend and be happy for her no matter what. On the other hand I might end up hurting myself for getting my hopes up and having my heart crushed all over again, I don't want to hope for anyone in a relationship, but she is someone special to me that I don't think I can just ignore or remove from my life, it feels so wrong, it feels like I'm lying to myself. Is this the ego's way of protecting itself? Should I trust what I feel is right or avoid pain in the longterm by walking away?
Any help and insight is appreciated.
Many thanks in advance, A very very confused guy.
I have been practicing mindfulness and meditation practice and it's opened a new world. I have come to the realization that I'm not necessarily my mind. I'm the one observing the mind. For the first time in my 20 years here on earth I realized this. I have always trusted everything it said without considering I have a choice. I pursued every thought and did it over and over again until I felt I made the right choice or came to the right conclusion.
I have noticed however that while I feel content and I'm definitely learning about myself there is one major bump in the road that's causing me to get lost in the present moment and into thinking again.
When I started meditation I suspect something happened. I fell in love with a person I was in love with 3 years ago. I was so deeply in love, felt such a connection to her, it was like looking her in the eye and simply knowing what she was thinking about.
Nothing really happened except for a lot of intimacy and a few kisses here and there but we weren't in a relationship or had sex. To top it off she was 10 years older then me (I was 18), I wasn't ready to receive kindness let alone love and while I think she knew I liked her I also unknowingly rejected a lot of her interest towards me now that I look back at it.
Eventually we moved on, she got with another guy and that was that.
Or so I thought. When I started mindfulness just a few weeks ago all the feelings washed over me in the same intensity as I had them then. I thought I forgot what it felt like but here I am, having a crush on the same person. How did this happen? Can you surpress feelings that bad that they simply didn't go away at all for 3 years?
The really weird part is is that this is a major deja vu. I started meditating, thought of her and the feelings popped up, and a few days after that I get asked to work in the holiday where she works. And now the situation is almost exactly the same. Chatting in the workplace, laughing together a lot, it's exactly the same as how I remember it going 3 years ago, and when I pay attention I can see the same spark developing in the same way it did then. It's so odd that this happens almost immediately after the feelings popped up, I'm not a spiritual person per se but still hehe.
Sad part: She is with someone.
Now my honest question. How do I interpret what I'm feeling? Is it running away from loneliness? Hurt? Is it remembering good times? Is it my ego wanting to have another shot? I'm having an extremely hard time figuring out my motives. I have come to the conclusion that I really do like her for who she is. Sex is never on the mind, owning her is never on the mind. But for some reason I can't explain this girl makes me want to be around her 24/7. Talk to her, listen to her, hug her, hold her and the list goes on.
What do you do in this situation? Is it a sign that I should run away as fast as possible to avoid a toxic situation for me? Do I be her friend and try not to get hopes? (nearly impossible...) My gut says love her, be her friend and be happy for her no matter what. On the other hand I might end up hurting myself for getting my hopes up and having my heart crushed all over again, I don't want to hope for anyone in a relationship, but she is someone special to me that I don't think I can just ignore or remove from my life, it feels so wrong, it feels like I'm lying to myself. Is this the ego's way of protecting itself? Should I trust what I feel is right or avoid pain in the longterm by walking away?
Any help and insight is appreciated.
Many thanks in advance, A very very confused guy.
0
Comments
Her mom worked with my mom and I would see her from time to time with birthdays, social gatherings, the occasional chat and stuff like that. I can't picture what you are experiencing and be okay with it.
It's really hard to accept, and I have liked other girls in those 3 years of having "moved on" but something huge was missing and that's the connection I felt with her without having to do a thing for it, it just was. When I think back the times that were good were actually what I'm practising for now. I was THERE, not a thought in my mind, just THERE and taking it all in. Atleast that is one bit of clarity there haha.
It's just "there", chemistry, love, soulmates what ever you want to call it it doesn't feel like this can happen with just any other girl I might fall for, she is sort of an extrovert female version of me like you said.
I don't know if I can let this go and fully accept it knowing that I might throw something away which will lead to settling for less with someone else a lifetime.
Walking away isn't the right thing to do I think, it's rejecting something for fear of disappointment. I might have to go with being her friend and appreciating what is here, although the hope of it becoming more somewhere down the line is deliciously toxic.
She is with someone else becauses she chooses to be - this shouldn't be a 'sad' event for you simply because she is not with you.
Perhaps consider the obsession - the causes and the effects - what it drives you to and the creepy friend that you become as a result of it.
Meditative news flash!
Everything you have ever grasped onto or pushed away is still connected to you.
The process of no longer manipulating phenomena in a meditation practise will eventual allow your revisiting of the effects of all these past influences again.
This allows you the opportunity to revisit them again but this time with the potential of meditative equanimity instead of with the former attachment and corresponding suffering.
To meet these re occurring memory releases with renewed avarice will just repeat and reinforce what caused the original attachment & suffering.
This can be an experience of the cleansing of past karma and it's resulting freedom or of befouling entanglement.
It all depends on what you have really placed highest on your altar.
Wisdom for FREE. Get some now.
We meditate. The world changes.
Impress members of any sex with your cool Zen like Mind.
Essence of Buddha. The fragrance of Enlightenment.
. . . I think we are on to 'something'
:clap:
The effects don't cause me to pursue her with any sneaky plan of trying to "win" her over. But as I'm saying, I enjoy her company a lot, and there IS a connection that's simply more then just friends from her side too.
I have never been wrong about people based on their behavior so why should this be the case now? I'm having a hard time trusting myself and my judgements, but as for trying to steal her, or pretending for some ulterior motive, not really.
Of course I get my hopes up, but i recognize it as just a feeling, isn't it simply human to have hopes? Does that make you a stalker planning an insidious alliance? Actions say more then feelings and I have not manipulated her in any way, I act as me, and I say what I mean, nothing else.
I'm simply overwhelmed and caught off guard and obviously if I walked off right now I would to the exact same thing as I did in the past and I would not move forward.
I have had my own set of values and rules in life which I try to stick by. Honesty, compassion, self respect and intelligence.
I guess I can't grasp the concept of letting go completely, I also feel so much guilt towards her cause I can see I rejected her a lot of the times badly while I didn't notice it. I was obsessing about why she did the things she did that I forgot about my own behavior and actions. I have never had a real closure on this.
Even if it scares me to death I'm seriously considering just laying it all on the table and tell her everything, and let her decide if we should stay friends or not.
Try not to obsess... that seems like the real danger, not the feelings. The "what ifs" and "if onlys" arising in the mind pull you away from the present moment into memory or fantasy. Stay awake! The more awake you are, the easier it will be to remain sensitive to her side of things (well, and yours) when the time comes to communicate. Otherwise you'll be distracted by all of the comparisons to your expectations.
You say that she is happy with this other guy and presumably this other guy is happy with her. So the only person who's not happy is you. The Buddha's teachings clearly say that the happiness we pursue must never be at the expense of someone else's happiness. So think carefully and with compassion before you act.
I dont understand the concept of what I just said either, but it makes sense.
However it occurs to me that you have an exquisite situation. Seems that that you have put this woman on pedestal; she has become an object of desire or affection…a goddess…if you will. Thus the situation perhaps calls for deity worship. In this goddess, you have projected an ideal mate; she has all the qualities, style, voice, looks and mannerisms that are intoxicating…making you swoon. From a tantric or object relations personality theory, you want to become “one” with her. The regressive direction would be towards the maternal/mother-child oceanic bliss state. The transcendent direction would be towards a more complex and yet unified state. Thus having this tension or being in internal dissonance is perhaps a cue that there is an opportunity for transcendence to the next level of understanding.
Since this woman is very close and yet unattainable, this situation presents an exquisite tease or torture that has plucked you deeply. Knowledge of the “other”…in your case…woman may seem like a dive in to samsara…and it is…however, with a proper approach it is just another path. Worship of a maiden/goddess, honor of the mother, humbly serving the crone and sacrificing oneself to kali/darkness…presents perhaps more challenges than the ascetic renunciate path …but none the less valid.
Perhaps with this woman you may not be able to have an intimate relationship, however she may be the spiritual muse.
I am better off then I thought, I have close friends who care about me and I really feel like I am moving in the direction that I deep down really want to go. However, that moment when I think I can leave it behind, accept that she's not ment to be a part of my life in that way some thing always happens to draw me back to square one.
It feels like moving on is the opposite direction of where I REALLY want to go, on the other hand it's immoral and unrealistic to hold on, but I honestly think that she is the one I want to be with period.
Today I was ready to start again for instance, I was ready to let go, and suddenly we started getting close again and had lots of fun.
I don't really get my hopes up but when she says things to me like "Ha I notice you like everything I like, and I like everything you like!" and people start to comment on how we are a good pair of people I get a little hurt and start getting doubts again. This is accompanied with a constant stream of dreamy eye contact and humor with her in my job which doesn't help either.
She is honestly a female version of me, and if I said right now that I didn't want her to be with me badly I would be lying. I have started practicing mindfulness to know more about my mind and to gain clarity and perspective, but what if that perspective is what you feared it to be? What then? What if the objectivity of the present shows you something you can't really do anything with?
I will just compare other girls I will be interested in with her, and let me tell you they don't compare because while they may have the best looks, the best personality, or no flaws at all, they aren't compatible the same way as she is. Distance may be the best, but I already did that and it didn't really work, I will think I'm over it but as soon as I see her and we start talking again I'm back to square one.
That's kind of the issue, no contact, distraction, another relationship, they don't work. I have really liked other woman but as soon as it was over it was over, for some reason this one has always stayed inside of me and just won't go away.
I won't even try to make it go away I guess, it will just cause more thinking and avoidance. I just feel so ashamed and weird for having to deal with this when I see people leaving a long actual relationship and being over it in 4 weeks.
What the hell is wrong with me, why won't this leave my system? I don't obsess, I don't seek it out, but I just keep feeling the attachment/connection when contact is reinitiated and even if I haven't found it with others I don't really want to settle for less...
The worst part is that the situation has always unfolded in actions. Hugs and kisses and holding hands, deep conversations but never actually SAYING or TALKING about it. I'm generally very closed off as a person as well so talking about deeper stuff is really difficult for me as well so that doesn't help either. The fact that I had a lot of chances to do something in the past don't help either.
It's a pretty tough situation to have in the first month I started practicing meditation though... but I guess it's better then pushing it away like I did without even realizing it.
Once again I am generally happier then I have been in a long time when I wasn't aware that I still liked her. Seeing the "now" has brought amazing moments of beauty and bliss to me that I took for granted. So far so good, I'm just not so sure if this kind of connection happens often and I think I will be throwing away something really rare if I walk away now.
Anyway it just feels good to write this down and what I experience and your responses do a lot for me so thank you for that. Meditation is doing so much for me. "not having a goal" and "not trying to change anything" is actually changing ALOT for me so that's at least a huge positive.
It sort of goes like this. Great day, had a few drinks together, drinks resulting into deep conversation, resulting into laughter and basically relationship way of interacting without the sexual. Everything is fine and it was just how it is. I get home and then I start to feel guilt about the feelings I'm starting to have again and I have to objectify and distance myself every time to avoid getting carried away. Maybe that's a part of the lesson this holds though, learning to deal with this without expecting anything more.
Getting carried away is in a way daydreaming but it's not about the future or past, it's about those interactions that are happening recently, also I have been appreciating it for what it actually is but I'm a month into changing my habit's and I am breaking a habit of 20 years of constant daydreaming and internal reasoning/analyzing here, so it's tough and very tenacious to keep it at bay at times, especially when emotions of desire are involved. Think of the kid that's not there in class, always looking outside with a glassy look in his eyes. That has been me since kindergarden and I have always received comments about this in school reports haha.
Like I said in the OP it's sort of like an extreme deja vu. The connection is there again and I get reminded of the past a lot, and that includes the pain I felt after I lost her, so that's where the defense/guilt is coming from. I fear walking into the same situation again. In a way I'm really glad this is happening though, I am learning a great deal about myself through her like you said, if it weren't for this this would have stayed in the shadows until a later point in life.