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STRUGGLING
buddhakai
Explorer
I have been basically a Buddhist for about 5 years now. I am just now trying to get involved in a Sangha, get some real teachings from a master etc. I have been married 6 years. I feel like my wife and I have been growing apart, as my negative mindset and attitude have gradually been being replaced with an attempt to be present, non-judgemental, and compassionate. I have watched my wife fall deeper and deeper into despair, she is always in poor spirits, she gets angry and tries to nit pick with me and my children about everything she can, and I mean really reaching sometimes. I have tried to remain calm and not take her attacks personally, but she is very good at pushing my buttons. I always try to point her toward the dharma, but she refuses, she says even the thought of trying to meditate actually makes her furious; even though she has had absolutely no training or advice on how to go about meditating. We've gotten into a couple of pretty bad arguments and I've lost my cool and said some mean things, and gotten really angry, and of course I've apologized, and feel absolutely awful, but I almost feel like my progress and spiritual growth has at least stopped, if not back pedaled a little bit, I am still practicing, and I love my wife and my family, but she's actually so bitter that she's making herself physically ill, she barely eats, and is always sick to her stomach. I feel like I'm watching someone drown while holding a life raft that I don't know how to throw to them. Anyone faced a similar situation?
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It certainly doesn't seem reasonable for her to be angry about you being more calm and compassionate. Most wives would love their husbands to be better men.
Of course I'm not saying everything IS your fault.
Now tell us why your wife is unhappy. If you can't tell us exactly what's bothering her, then you haven't been listening when you two talk. Do you want her to be happy, or just want her to meet your expectations? Everything you describe is a symptom, not the underlying cause of her actions and emotions. So, why is she angry, and nitpicking, and bitter?
See, just because you've discovered Buddhism and the benefits of meditation, you can't expect other people to do the same. Not even the ones you love. When you try to point her to the dharma or suggest she start meditating, you're telling her there's something wrong with her. I've been married to a marvelous woman for over twenty years, and she's never meditated or read a sutra and that's all right. She did almost get in a fight with some Christian idiot who tried to tell her that she should divorce me and marry a good Christian man, though.
If you want anything to change, you'll need to stop trying to be the best Buddhist you can be, and try to be the best husband you can be. Then, you can look at your relationship with a clear mind and see if the two of you can be happy together.
One of my friends was getting more and more into drugs and darkness, and I couldn't see any way to help. He's still there in the dark, living in filth and poverty, soaked in anger and chemicals.
It has been several years now.
I hope this helps.
This maybe totally off the mark, but does your wife drink too much? I remember being pretty much the same as your wife, I thought my family were terrible (well my wife anyway) and I was a mean tempered gimp. I drank to much too. I just didn't realise what the real problem was; that it was me!
But as I say, I could be totally off the mark. Apologies if I am.
There has been a lot of good advice and many a time I read posts and rarely say anything as I would either make a fool of myself or only repeat the words of somebody else. Why not go on a short vacation, take some time away from your everyday environment into a more relaxed location and get together spiritually, explore your relationship and connection.
The anger issue is something almost all of us can relate to. I am a passive agressive when it comes to my relationship, I get angry and just go totally silent, trying to let go of it, but if my partner keeps going about something related to the argument I cannot seem to let go there and then. It is all about letting go, seeing things from your partners point of view and listen as well as talk. Good luck :thumbsup:
@junbles yes the whole notion of judging, but I think it is something so primitive but sometimes essential. Not everything basic and simple is pointless.
Without knowing anything more, I would guess (and this is really just an uninformed guess) that she feels she is carrying a lot. Do you think she feels she carries more of the load at home, with the children and household chores? Perhaps she feels unappreciated?
I am not saying that she *is* carrying more. I am just pointing out this is a very common experience. Sometimes even the worry we feel as mothers can seem like we are doing something- when it's not real, it's not productive... and yet, that mental energy can burn us up and make us feel like we are carrying... something I have been working on myself- to not worry, and not see that as one of my "jobs" as a Mom! I myself have resented (and envied, to some degree) my husband's ability to not stress out or over-think about the kids.
Many wives with children get very resentful of husbands who are able to enjoy spiritual/artistic/physical/intellectual pursuits that the wives feel that they don't have time to enjoy since they are immersed in the nitty-gritty household and family duties and details. Again, I am not saying she doesn't have time to pursue these things... having time is a sticky subject... I am just saying this *might* be her perception, her experience.
If this is the case, I suggest you start by taking on some of the household chores, such as unloading the dishwasher, folding laundry, etc. Do it without saying a word- just help out silently. This is also can be part of your practice. Chores like laundry, dishes and tidying up are great for "work practice", and you can be very present in them. Giving to her will make you feel good, and might start to heal your relationship. Offer to give her a night off while you stay with the kids. Take some of the load off her- and doing so without asking for "thanks", appreciation or anything more. She may be stressed out and just need a break. She may just need a night to herself, some space of her own, to be with her own "stuff". I don't know how old the children in your household are, but if they are small, it can be very draining- physically and emotionally exhausting. I'm sure you have compassion for her already, but watch her in her day. She may be giving a lot of herself, and possibly not enough *to* herself. It can be very challenging.
Once her anger is quelled, and things are more in balance between the two of you, she might open up more. She may start to see you as an ally. If you think she would benefit from meditation, it might be a good idea just to let her go hiking or do something out-doors first, or something quiet that she already enjoys, or does mindfully. This can be anything from painting, knitting while taking a ferry to yoga ... After she has spent time doing what stills her own soul, she might eventually open to the idea of meditation. But I would give her time. Even people that don't meditate per se, get in touch with a quieter, calming place when out in nature, in a library or museum... She can blossom into her own abiding activities. But if she has small kids, she needs your help to get the solitude and space to do that.
If you focus on quietly giving her room in her life to exhale, she might have time to breathe, and if she finds time to breathe, she may find time to be aware of that breath...
I hope I have not made any incorrect assumptions here. Good luck :-)
I can imagine it's hard 2 practice in your current situation!
All I can think of is a quote from one of my favourite books, The Lost Art of Compassion -
Often it is difficult people who are suffering the most intensely and who are therefore most in need of compassion.
Have you read any of Pema Chodron?
Here is a taste of her teaching -
http://admin.shambhala.com/html/learn/features/pema/books/excerpts/fallApart-excerpt.cfm
http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/8052.Pema_Ch_dr_n
Best of luck 2 you & your family!