How do I see that feeling is not the self

Jeffrey

I very strongly in my life want to feel good. I am on drugs that make me low energy and feel less alive and certainly uncomfortable. In my awareness I am always thinking of how I can get a good feeling or lamenting because I don't feel well.

@karmablues said something in another thread:

From the Khandha Samyutta No. 117:

A well-taught noble disciple... does not consider feeling as the self nor the self as the owner of the feeling, nor feeling as included within the self, nor the self as included within the feeling.

Of such a well-taught noble disciple it can be said that he is unfettered by the bondage of feeling, unfettered by bondage inner or outer. He has seen the coast, he has seen the Other Shore, and he is fully freed from suffering — this I say.

How should I practice so as to change my mind? I don't understand how someone can be dispassioned from feeling because when you feel bad you can't think of anything but of how you are hurting and wanting a way out.

karmablues

Hi Jeffrey, hope the following will be of some help.

The characteristic of not-self which manifests and can be observed is its uncontrollable nature. That is why the Buddha said in the Anatta-lakkhana Sutta that since form/feeling/perception/mental formation/consciousness is not-self, it is not possible for one to make form/feeling/perception/mental formations/consciousness to be a certain way or not be a certain way in accordance to one's wishes.

In the Buddha's words:

Bhikkhus, feeling is not-self. Were feeling self, then this feeling would not lead to affliction, and one could have it of feeling: 'Let my feeling be thus, let my feeling be not thus.' And since feeling is not-self, so it leads to affliction, and none can have it of feelling: 'Let my feeling be thus, let my feeling be not thus.

If we want to investigate feelings, we can contemplate on the fact that if feelings were really the "self", then we would be able to make feelings always nice and pleasurable, but the fact is we often get unpleasant and painful feelings that arise according to their causes and conditions despite whatever our wishes may be. Therefore, we cannot say that these feelings are really ours, and in fact they aren't because feelings are not-self.

To underscore the same point, Ajahn Chah once said:

A woman wanted to know how to deal with anger. I asked when anger arose whose anger it was. She said it was hers. Well, if it really was her anger, then she should be able to tell it to go away, shouldn't she? But it really isn't hers to command. Holding on to anger as a personal possession will cause suffering. If anger really belonged to us, it would have to obey us. If it doesn't obey us, that means it's only a deception. Don't fall for it. Whenever the mind is happy or sad, don't fall for it. Its all a deception.

The Buddha also said in the Sutta that given the fact that form/feeling/perception/mental formations/consciousness are uncontrollable, constantly changing and in a state of stress, they should not be regarded as "This is mine, this is I, this is myself."

In the Buddha's words:

"Bhikkhus, how do you conceive it: is feeling permanent or impermanent?" — "Impermanent, venerable Sir." — "Now is what is impermanent painful or pleasant?" — "Painful, venerable Sir." — "Now is what is impermanent, what is painful since subject to change, fit to be regarded thus: 'This is mine, this is I, this is my self'"? — "No, venerable sir."

"So, bhikkhus any kind of feeling whatever, whether past, future or presently arisen, whether gross or subtle, whether in oneself or external, whether inferior or superior, whether far or near, must with right understanding how it is, be regarded thus: 'This is not mine, this is not I, this is not myself.'

So during our meditation, we are mindful when feelings arise. We use feelings as our object of meditation and study their true nature, ie. that they are constantly changing, in a state of stress and uncontrollable. We then contemplate in accordance with the following three questions:

1) Is this feeling - which is constantly changing, in a state of stress and is uncontrollable - me?
2) Am I this feeling which is constantly changing, in a state of stress and is uncontrollable?
3) Is this feeling - which is constantly changing, in a state of stress and is uncontrollable - mine?

Jeffrey

Seeing that post the thought occurs to me that if I can drop the 'I' I will then feel good. But that is not helpful because I arrive just where I started from, wanting to feel good. It's like I'm saying 'hell yeah, sweet. I drop the 'I' and then I will feel good'. And that is not true exactly because feeling is always changing and stress.

So it's a paradox.

upekka

what do you mean by 'feeing'?

just tell us in your own words, through your own experience

not what you have heard 'the explanation given by some one'
or
what you have read in 'some books'

Jeffrey

I mean pain in my body. It is pain from the medicine and it is not regular pain. Imagine how you feel when you just step out of a cool shower in summer or when you get a back massage. This pain of the subtle body I am guessing is the opposite of those comforts. I have this bad before sleeping and it makes me eat at night even though I am not hungry. For me as I experience feeling is this lack of flowing goodness in the body.

how

Hey jeff

I think you normally know this stuff so I'm guessing your just going through a hard patch.
Acceptance is the key. Our job is to change nothing but the habit of identifying with and becoming subject to our thoughts and feelings. Thoughts & feelings are allowed there unhindered birth, life and eventual death while we need only prioritize our art of not fiddling with them in any way.

Cheers
H

upekka

@jeffrey
good
you have a good 'meditation object'

now you know whenever you have this 'not pleasurable feeling'
you want 'to get rid of it' (this is kamachanda)
but you cannot get rid of pain and you get 'angry' (this is Byapada-illwill)
now you are 'fed up' (this is thina midda-sloth and topor) with not pleasurable feeling
so you decide to do something else, in this case go for food

we always take decisions because of our thina midda
not necessary to argue

just pay attention to you pain and see whether you can agree to the 'above'
if so continue
the 'above' is a sort of insight meditation

if you can not agree just 'let go' of 'what is written in this post'

instead of 'you' put 'mind'

fivebells

@Jeffrey, if you want to feel good (a perfectly reasonable thing), cultivate the four immeasurables. Especially metta and joy.

lobster

Jeffrey said:

How should I practice so as to change my mind? I don't understand how someone can be dispassioned from feeling because when you feel bad you can't think of anything but of how you are hurting and wanting a way out.

Understood.
Being mindful when drowning, when overcome, when in the grip of mara, becomes 'fine theory' . . . platitudes . . .
. . . we have to be almost perfect bodhisattvas to practice . . .
You need backup.
I listen to chanting. Usually Amitaba. That or more specific chants work for me.
I burn incence, talk on forums, keep the mind occupied outside of the arising.
I do prostrations, yoga, walk etc.

Again and again people say 'I am in difficulty, what will help?'
What helps is developing when you can. It prevents the conditions of suffering or its surrounding attachments to the situation.
How do we stop feeling bad?
We practice the conditions that lead us to The Middle. :coffee:

Cultivate equanimity.
You never know when you'll need it.
Need it you will.

Maay the a force be with you.

Sabre

Instead of approaching it from the no-self side, it can at times be more useful to see the impermanence. Whatever feeling arises, one day it will go. If a happy feeling arises, it usually doesn't even stay for long. So you could crave for certain feelings and crave to get rid of other feelings, but what good will it do in the long run? You can't have them forever anyway. It is like eating a nice dinner, it lasts as long as the food lasts. If you can put it in a bigger perspective like this, a kind of openness will arise that allows all feelings. That probably won't happen over night; you need to practice to see things this way.

That aside, if you have unpleasant feelings in the body, meditation can help to get beyond them. But also then it is helpful to realize that feelings in the body don't have to touch the mind.

Hope this advise has anything useful for you.

Metta!
Sabre

Vastmind

You may have to sit with it...if there is nothing you can do about it.

Consider this though...your feeling the pain right? Feeling is still
feeling....so it's ok to say...Damn, I feel like shit today, and I think
feeling good would make it feel better than I do right now.

Everyday can't be Christmas. Remind yourself, this may subside soon
and when that time comes, you will relish in it. You will eat up
every minute of relief you get...then....Remind yourself...
that won't last either.
Pain management....take it day by day....or hour by hour...
however helps you. Once the carving hobby takes off...maybe that
will move some of the form/brain focus to something other
than body/form pain.

The only way out of it is through it. --My Nana used to say.

Straight_Man

The ego feels 'good' when it is not feeling 'bad'. Buddhism teaches the middle way, which to some in this case means neutral feelings. Not feasible for us to all be totally neutral all the time, but ego goes from good to bad and back. If it is seeking good it thinks it is bad feeling now. This could be untrue, it could be feeling neutral, which is foreign to it. Ego does not understand middle way. Sorry, hope that helps some though.

Jeffrey

@Straight_Man, thanks. But, I wouldn't equivocate neutral feeling with liberation of the ego.

Straight_Man

Well, does ego get liberated or is it part of monkey mind? I would say the latter. Self is not ego, so far as self here is defined in understanding here of Buddism. Sorry, forgot that part before.

Jeffrey

I think ego is used in different ways. It could be pride or selfishness. It could be the network of thinking that hinders us in samsara. I think ego is part of the monkey mind. It is just thoughts that when woven together it appears there are walls to us when really ego is mind wrought.

Straight_Man

The way I have grown to understand ego, ego builds the walls you speak of if we are talking of monkey mind, and Buddisticly true liberation so to speak frees us from monkey mind also.

Sabre

Neutral feelings are also impermanent, so not to strive for.

Be it a pleasant feeling, be it a painful feeling, be it neutral,
one's own or others', feelings of all kinds —
he knows them all as ill, deceitful, evanescent.
Seeing how they impinge again, again, and disappear,
he wins detachment from the feelings, passion-free.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nyanaponika/wheel303.html

The link contains a translation of the feeling-samyutta, @Jeffrey, and while I haven't read it fully I'm sure you'll find it insightful.

upekka

Sabre said:

Whatever feeling arises, one day it will go.

whatever feeling arises, next moment it will go
next moment another feeling arises

if the feeling continue (pleasure or not pleasure or neutral) it depends on what wholesome/unwholesome/importable thoughts (cetanaham kammam)we had before

so there is no one else to be blamed or to blame

lobster

I very strongly in my life want to feel good

It is inane and counterproductive to tell people who are depressed, have extreme pain or are psychologically or emotionally damaged or temporarily disempowered to 'just sit'.
It is metta less Buddhist extremism. [boo, hiss]

This is why we have to move towards balance and The Middle Way first.

We have to provide advice to find a teacher, do prostrations, walking, moving meditation that will change the physical body and positively effect the mind.

Even Buddhas have off days. Look at those emancipated statues of his extreme ascetic practice. Silly sitting. Pain wallowing. Leads to more pointless suffering.

The question is what 3 jewelled practices or movement towards them, provide some joy? Tibetan temple music is some of the most discombobulating 'music' to assault the senses. It is used to scare away our demons. That might work . . .

What smells remind or induce memories of happy sits? That is why incense is used to shift moods. Tobacco and marijuana can be burnt as offerings. Beer or other afflictive substances poured near the ground of a Buddha statue . . . (best done outside).

Can you make, clean add flowers to a shrine, alter?

It is not a question of accepting the unacceptable - we have to be ready and sufficiently committed to break that pain barrier. The best advice is 'just sit'. On our worst, the best is not good enough . . .

Metta practice and a wrathful initiation might be worth exploring.

Watch a movie, for example 'The Nines'
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0810988/

karmablues

Vastmind said:

You may have to sit with it....The only way out of it is through it. --My Nana used to say.

That reminds me of this teaching by Ajahn Chah :

There are two kinds of suffering. There is the suffering you run away from, which follows you everywhere. And there is the suffering you face directly, and so become free.”

On another occasion he said:

Peace is within oneself to be found in the same place as agitation and suffering. It is not found in a forest or on a hilltop, nor is it given by a teacher. Where you experience suffering, you can also find freedom from suffering. Trying to run away from suffering is actually to run toward it.

@Jeffrey
Using pain as an object of insight meditation is certainly no quick-fix method, but it can lead to gradual improvement over time. While presumably concentration meditation could overcome pain, its effects will only last while the mind is maintained in a concentrated state. But with better understanding acquired, you will relate to your pain with a changed attitude. In my own practice, I also do a lot of contemplation on karma to help me cope better with my illness.

Jeffrey

@karmablues, I think the problem is subtle energies in my body. If those don't flow then truly all I can do is bear it and perhaps gradual improvement.

karmablues

The subject of subtle energies is completely foreign to me so can't help you with that unfortunately.

pegembara

[ I don't understand how someone can be dispassioned from feeling because when you feel bad you can't think of anything but of how you are hurting and wanting a way out.]

Just pay attention to the feeling by itself without wanting it to stay or go away. Bring the feeling under the light of awareness and see what happens. Don't think - only feel.

"There are these three kinds of feeling: a pleasant feeling, a painful feeling, and neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling. On the occasion when one feels a pleasant feeling, one does not feel either a painful feeling or a neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling. One feels only a pleasant feeling on that occasion. On the occasion when one feels a painful feeling, one does not feel either a pleasant feeling or a neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling. One feels only a painful feeling on that occasion. On the occasion when one feels a neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling, one does not feel either a pleasant feeling or a painful feeling. One feels only a neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling on that occasion.

"A pleasant feeling is inconstant, fabricated, dependently co-arisen, subject to ending, subject to vanishing, fading, ceasing. A painful feeling is also inconstant, fabricated, dependently co-arisen, subject to ending, subject to vanishing, fading, ceasing. A neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling is also inconstant, fabricated, dependently co-arisen, subject to ending, subject to vanishing, fading, ceasing.

"Seeing this, an instructed disciple of the noble ones grows disenchanted with pleasant feeling, disenchanted with painful feeling, disenchanted with neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling. Disenchanted, he grows dispassionate. From dispassion, he is released. With release, there is the knowledge, 'Released.'

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.074.than.html

Jeffrey

karmablues said:

The subject of subtle energies is completely foreign to me so can't help you with that unfortunately.

Hi @karmablues. I am just trying to get a label on the feeling. I am not sure what the subtle energies are. In tantra some of this is dealt with I think, but I am not studying tantra because I was proven a lack of a vessel to hold awakening energy or kundalini, I say that is how my mental illness started. In a psychiatry context it is just a mental illness, but I am sure I had a realization into reality that caused energy to erupt. It is pain but not like a sore tooth or something like that. I do seem to be able to feel energy in my various chakras (when this pain is not manifest), right where they are supposed to be. I have only read spiritual book for beginners on the various chakras.

My lama has talked to me about 'heart energy'. For example when grieving or depressed the world can like turn to cardboard. The world still tastes sweet for me, but the pleasant body feeling, the vigor, and the feeling of creativity or expansiveness is lacking. More to the point my body feels like it is being crushed, the feeling in the body. @Pegembra, I take it as a meditaiton, the feeling sometimes. However it can be too much suffering to sitting meditation and I switch to walking after doing as much sitting as I can. When I am very held by the blockages sometimes I can let them be expressed and it turns to a mixture of pleasure and pain. And then sometimes it is pain in the meditation though at these times my mind wanders a lot and the wanderings of mind distract me from my body, though the mind is influenced by the distress and I feel less clarity, I feel drowsy.

Thanks for the concern everybody.

person

In the past I've spent a fair bit of time just sitting with my pain and it does eventually go away. This worked well when I was in an environment conducive to spiritual things. When I did it in my day to day life it felt like I was making all the effort and toil of digging out a hole in my meditation but then I'd go back to my life and watch some TV and involve my mind in the details of my work and that would be like the sand was just pouring back into the hole I was working so hard to clear out. So that I was sitting and experiencing all my suffering but kept dumping the sand back in so that my practice was all pain and effort and no fruit. Once I brought a more spiritual quality to my daily life, cutting way back on the entertainment, listening to dharma teachings on mp3 at work, ie. stopped dumping so much sand in my hole my efforts to work through my pain started bearing fruit.

Sabre

upekka said:

Sabre said:

Whatever feeling arises, one day it will go.

whatever feeling arises, next moment it will go
next moment another feeling arises

if the feeling continue (pleasure or not pleasure or neutral) it depends on what wholesome/unwholesome/importable thoughts (cetanaham kammam)we had before

so there is no one else to be blamed or to blame

To say feelings disappear with the moment is true in a way, thanks for pointing it out. But it may not be particularly useful advice for someone who has painful feelings in the body. Those can present themselves as pretty solid. To contemplate their momentariness like that may be asking a lot. But it can already be a relief to realize they change over longer period of time, like days.

That aside, bodily feelings don't depend on our thoughts. As an example, the Buddha suffered from a painful back. That was just a cause of having a body, not of the way he thought. What he did is meditated to get beyond the pain for a while, but that's not thinking differently.

In my meditation I often reach states where I don't notice the body anymore. I can come out of them and only then notice again headaches, pain in my legs, or numb feet and things like that. Or I can steer the mind away from the body again, let the awareness of the pain disappear, together with the awareness of the body. That is another way of understanding impermanence. It is my conviction the Buddha taught these states also and that's why when he meditated he could be at ease with his pain. So @Jeffrey I would advise to practice in the same way. It is not always trying to see things as not the self that is the most effective way. If interested I will look up some resources on how to practice like this.

Jeffrey

Thanks @Sabre. If you post resources I'll look them up and bookmark them and sample them. But I am already reading 3 books on Buddhism, ha!

Sabre

If I forget, please remind me and I'll look some up. I'm going offline now.

pegembara

Painful physical feelings eg. from back injury don't exhibit the momentary arising and passing away - only the mental/emotional ones.

"It would be better for the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person to hold to the body composed of the four great elements, rather than the mind, as the self. Because this body composed of the four great elements is seen standing for a year, two years, three, four, five, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, a hundred years or more. But what's called 'mind,' 'intellect,' or 'consciousness' by day and by night arises as one thing and ceases as another.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn12/sn12.061.than.html

Sabre

@Jeffrey

Some sources for now. I took out the quotes about leaving the body consciousness, but the links provide more information on how to practice like this. The links are all of Ajahn Chah and his students, because that's what I know most about. But teachers like Pa Auk Sayadaw teach similar things. One thing I would mention but can not link to because it is not on the net, is the book Mindfulness, Bliss and Beyond which for me is the best book on meditation I have seen.

What I find is when I can leave the body behind (this happens when mindfulness is strong), usually when I come out of the meditation my body feels very relaxed and at ease, more than when I intentionally relax it. I hope it works for you too. It may take quite some practice, so don't expect short term results. And don't forget the impermanence . Even comfortable bodies get sick and die.

Metta!

For other meditators, perception chooses to describe this first appearance of mind in terms of physical sensation, such as intense tranquility or ecstasy. Again, the body consciousness (that which experiences pleasure and pain, heat and cold and so on) has long since closed down and this is not a physical feeling. It is just `perceived' as similar to pleasure. Some see a white light, some a gold star, some a blue pearl... the important fact to know is that they are all describing the same phenomena. They all experience the same pure mental object and these different details are added by their different perceptions.
http://www.jhanagrove.org.au/meditation.html

When mindful awareness is focused continuously, it can seem that the
hands and feet have vanished. The feelings in other areas of the body,
even the sensation of the whole body itself, can likewise entirely
disappear from consciousness.
http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/Seeking-Buddho-by-Ajahn-Anan-Akincano.pdf

When your practice of samadhi
reaches this point, there will be many unusual and refined
changes and transformations taking place within the mind,
which you can be aware of. The sensation of the body will feel
at its lightest or might even disappear altogether. You might
feel like you are floating in mid–air and seem to be completely
weightless. It might be like you are in the middle of space and
wherever you direct your sense faculties they don’t seem to
register anything at all.
http://www.watpahnanachat.org/books/Aj Chah On Meditation.pdf

Sabre

pegembara said:

Painful physical feelings eg. from back injury don't exhibit the momentary arising and passing away - only the mental/emotional ones.

"It would be better for the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person to hold to the body composed of the four great elements, rather than the mind, as the self. Because this body composed of the four great elements is seen standing for a year, two years, three, four, five, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, a hundred years or more. But what's called 'mind,' 'intellect,' or 'consciousness' by day and by night arises as one thing and ceases as another.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn12/sn12.061.than.html

It says the body's elements are standing for a long time. Consciousness (and so also body consciousness) is said to arise and cease. Somewhere else I think it says with the blink of an eye. But then again, one could wonder what is the practical application of this if there is pain?

On a sidenote, I remembered this one. Perhaps it can also help @Jeffrey.

Silouan

My wife has MS and has all sorts of pains and strange sensations. Acupuncture helps her a great deal, and now she is looking to the healing properties of certain foods as well instead of experimental drugs with loads of side effects.

Maybe you can try a similar holistic approach to alleviate some of the physical symptoms caused by your medication.

Sometimes things are a bit beyond our measure, so its okay to step back and just have a cup of tea.

taiyaki

You could have rlung problems.

Go see a Tibetan doctor. You could take some bimala/vimala.

Also pain is a great object of shamatha as we are naturally focused on it. Look for the essence.

Jeffrey

@taiyaki, is bimala/vimala a consumable or is it a practice? I'm pretty sure that it is due to the medicines which inhibit psychedelic (such as hallucinations and delusions) things and dopamine.

taiyaki

Bimala is a consumable, but I'm not sure if it interact with your medication.

I am currently taking some because I have rlung issues and sleeping problems.

karmablues

Bhikkhu Bodhi says that he has been able, after some time and effort, to get good results in overcoming his chronic pain through contemplating on the not-self nature of feelings. From his own experience, he asserts that this is the "most powerful tool" against pain. He also says that pain can be seen as a blessing rather than a burden.

From Living with pain, not with suffering:

...Since 1976 I have been afflicted with chronic head pain that has grown worse over the decades. This condition has thrown a granite boulder across the tracks of my meditation practice. Pain often wipes a day and night off my calendar, and sometimes more at a stretch. The condition has cost me a total of several years of productive activity. Because intense head pain makes reading difficult, it has at times even threatened my vocation as a scholar and translator of Buddhist texts.

.....

I know firsthand that chronic bodily pain can eat deeply into the entrails of the spirit. It can cast dark shadows over the chambers of the heart and pull one down into moods of dejection and despair. I cannot claim to have triumphed over pain, but in the course of our long relationship, I’ve discovered some guidelines that have helped me to endure the experience.

First of all, it is useful to recognize the distinction between physical pain and the mental reaction to it. Although body and mind are closely intertwined, the mind does not have to share the same fate as the body. When the body feels pain, the mind can stand back from it.

Instead of allowing itself to be dragged down, the mind can simply observe the pain. Indeed, the mind can even turn the pain around and transform it into a means of inner growth.

......

Pain can be regarded as a teacher - a stern one that can also be eloquent. My head pain has often felt like a built-in buddha who constantly reminds me of the first noble truth.

.....

As a follower of the dharma, I place complete trust in the law of karma. Therefore, I accept this painful condition as a present-life reflection of some unwholesome karma I created in the past.... by trusting the law of karma, one can understand that the key to future good health lies in one’s hands. It is a reminder to refrain from harmful deeds motivated by ill-will and to engage in deeds aimed at promoting the welfare and happiness of others.

Chronic pain can be an incentive for developing qualities that give greater depth and strength to one’s character. In this way, it can be seen as a blessing rather than as a burden, though of course we shouldn’t abandon the effort to discover a remedy for it.

My own effort to deal with chronic pain has helped me to develop patience, courage, determination, equanimity, and compassion. At times, when the pain has almost incapacitated me, I’ve been tempted to cast off all responsibilities and just submit passively to this fate.

But I’ve found that when I put aside the worries connected with the pain and simply bear it patiently, it eventually subsides to a more tolerable level. From there I can make more realistic decisions and function effectively.

The experience of chronic pain has enabled me to understand how inseparable pain is from the human condition.

....

Even during the most unremitting pain - when reading, writing, and speaking are difficult - I try not to let it ruffle my spirits and to maintain my vows, especially my vow to follow the monastic path until this life is over.

When pain breaks over my head and down my shoulders, I use contemplation to examine the feelings. This helps me see them as mere impersonal events, as processes that occur at gross and subtle levels through the force of conditions, as sensations with their own distinct tones, textures, and flavours.

The most powerful tool I’ve found for mitigating pain’s impact is a short meditative formula repeated many times in the Buddha’s discourses: “Whatever feelings there may be-past, present, or future- all feeling is not mine, not I, not myself.”

Benefiting from this technique does not require deep samadhi or a breakthrough to profound insight. Even using this formula during periods of reflective contemplation helps to create a distance between oneself and one’s experience of pain.

Such contemplation deprives the pain of its power to create nodes of personal identification within the mind, and thus builds equanimity and fortitude.

Although the technique takes time and effort, when the three terms of contemplation - “not mine, not I, not myself” - gain momentum, pain loses its sting and cracks opens the door to the end of pain, the door to ultimate freedom.