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Shame - how to deal with it?
betaboy
Veteran
Shame is a terrifying emotion - you feel like the ground could swallow you, your body revolts, some people have even killed themselves.
This emotion is very powerful. How to deal with it? Note that I am not talking about regret/guilt.
This emotion is very powerful. How to deal with it? Note that I am not talking about regret/guilt.
0
Comments
The Words of Other People.
2. Put it in perspective. Where does it belong in the scheme of your everyday life and your view of who you are?
3. Are there things you can do to undo, or at least mitigate, the situation as it affected others and yourself.
4. How do you get beyond it?
1. Lying
2. Avoiding paying child maintenance.
3. Stealing
4. Having affairs which led to a divorce.
Probably lots of other stuff. I don't feel shame for them now because where possible I've tried to make amends to those I've harmed. And I have modified my behaviour and also do my best to practise compassion which gives me a different concept of myself than I used to have.
If this is you that's feeling ashamed of something, can you find a trusted friend and discuss it with them? Getting another perspective on a problem is always a good thing to do.
But one point of attention must be the size or the importance of whatever is the reason to be ashamed.
“Some people have even killed themselves”? Who knows, but they were certainly overreacting!
The person who’s ashamed – very likely -is blowing things out of proportion. Test what people think about what you (or someone else) is so ashamed about. Good chance they hardly noticed it. People tend to have enough problems of their own and basically don’t care.
There is a huge danger of projecting. I can put my judgment on myself into other people’s heads.
So maybe don’t be too hard on yourself to begin with and then don’t fill in what other people think and feel.
Remedy one is; loving yourself a little bit more. And remedy two is not projecting thoughts and feeling in other peoples’ heads. Ask them if you must, but don’t fill it in for yourself.
Hope that helps?
Of course the way to do that is to practice the Paramitas. Stay cool.
Sometimes rape victims feel shame. They haven't done anything wrong but the feelings remain.
You could say that it is their choice to feel that way. It doesn't make it better though.
I have some shame from last night, I went to a gathering with many people and I got really really drunk and at the end of the night got into a fight with an old friend. So today I had to deal with the regret and shame, make amends, say sorry etc and move on. What's done is done and the only thing you can change is what you will do next.
Conflicted emotive states are natural arisings from agitation aka distress aka a duck called dukkha.
Abuse and use your shame, shamelessly. Don't you intend to make use of all these powerful feelings to become 'borne free'? Shame on you.
PS. don't kill yourself, that would be a shame