Exposure to harsh speech
Carrieryman
New
I am have a lot of confusion and difficulty determining the right balance between using challenging situations to practice wisdom and compassion and yet making wise decisions about the kinds of people I expose myself to. I hope this makes sense.
As I have become more mindful, I have noticed certain people in my life who regularly use very harsh language dripping with anger and hatred and it is difficult to be around, more and more. I respond with silence but I wonder how much time one should spend with such people, especially if they feel "too challenging" at this point in my practice. While I would love to offer my compassion and serenity to certain people, I do not know if I am up to this challenge quite yet.
I feel very vulnerable right now because my compassion and sensitivity to suffering of those around me has grown so much. And I want to be a positive influence on those around me but I have only been practicing for one year and do not feel quite ready for some extremely negative people in my life.
What are your thoughts? Is it okay to distance myself or even completely stay away from extremely negative people, at least at this point in my practice? Would exposing myself to extremely negative people help or hinder my practice?
Comments
I think you already know the answer.
Actually, I do not know the answer. I am in conflict, split straight down the middle. I see some wisdom to avoiding such people and I see wisdom in staying with such people.
It sounds like they are really bringing you down, so it might be good to avoid them for the time being. Extreme negativity can be very tiring.
Spend time with people who inspire you.
Okay. Then my advice, if possible walk away. Negativity does beget negativity. You'll have to weigh whether or not to simply say something like, "I'm just not interested in all this negativity" as you walk away.
There are a lot of things (basically everything) that can be helpful to practice. That doesn't mean you purposely invite it into your life in order to challenge yourself. Let things come to you naturally and explore how you manage them. Don't go seeking out troublesome people and situations though. There's no wisdom in that.
Don't go seeking out troublesome people and situations though.
I don't think the OP is doing that - read the last paragraph.
If you want to be judgemental about it, fine. Just walk away.
If you want a lesson, there's a story in the the lojong literature about Atisha who had an ill-tempered tea boy from Bengal. He chose this fellow because he felt a disagreeable person was of more value to his practice than an agreeable one.
But, do what you want.
Yes I agree. It is in our daily lives surrounded by a diverse group of people that our practice really begins to blossom. I do not want to avoid challenging people (another form of aversion) but I think I will limit my exposure to them because my own peace of mind is also important. Perhaps this is the wisdom that Vinlyn suggested when he said I already have the answer. Hmmm...
I was reading this afternoon and found a quote from a book called "Ruling Your World" by Sakyong Mipham that said, "Life is precious. Who are you going to spend it with?" Gaylon Ferguson also said, "if slander and sarcasm are the daily bread of our communal meals, the determination to awaken gradually weakens and grows dim. Basic confidence and life force energy decline." I guess I just need to ensure that my "communal meals with negative people" do not serve as my daily bread but only occasional snacks!
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/dhp/dhp.06.budd.html
Which one should I read, SpinyNorman?
The first three are particularly relevant.
Yes, thank you for these. I have referred to #76 (first one) after facing people who are very critical of me. It has helped me stay with it and listen with an open heart, which I have found is much better than becoming angry and shutting down.
Number 78 is interesting. But I have found that most people are neither all evil or all noble. And many people use harsh language. It still is upsetting to me even if it is not aimed at me. To sit with someone who is angry and hateful and uses harsh and extremely vile language about other people is hard for me. But I will be strong and stay as long as I can with them. I hope to help them with my continued serenity and joy.
But yes, I can see here from all of your answers, as well as my own wisdom, that I need to temper this and limit my exposure.
It is an excellent way to practice one's breathing and ability to stay calm despite the storm. I hope I continue to be up to the challenge. And will let my mindfulness tell me when my saturation point has come.
Hi Carrieryman, I recently left a job that sounds an awful lot like what you are experiencing. I'm an RN, and what with the nature of our work and the structure of the hospital, 'harsh speech', gossip, slander and just plain old negativity was making me feel physically ill.
However, I brought forward what tools and awareness I could from my practice and did my best to remain aware. Often I would get 'lost' in it but I think I did a fair job, for the first time in my life, of 'formatting' my experience within the context of Awakening, mindfulness, and all that other relative stuff.
And I left, it was the right decision.
The negative shit was very, very rarely aimed at me. I even made as unattractive to gossipers as I possibly could. I maintained, as much as I could, a gentle presence that warmly accepted what was happening. I'm sure this helped loads. I still left. And it was the best thing I did in years
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@Carrieryman
One person with some practice and equanimity can demonstrate an alternative lifestyle choice to everyone around him/her. Because everything around us is all interconnected, I would first suggest exploring your practice where ever you presently are. Those who run away from difficult situations in order to find an easier place to practice usually come to the realization that a real practice is difficult no matter where you are.
Can you see anyone around you more in need of a demonstration of the path towards sufferings cessation than those people you describe as dripping with anger & hatred?
....& trust your own practice (not us) to show you how much exposure to negativity you should submit yourself to at any onetime.
Be honest. Have realistic integrity. You may be as burned by negativity as some are polished into piety by good companions . . .
Strike a balance between your capacity, your needs and the Boddhisattva ideal . . .
any negativity comes to us because we have sent negativity before even though we do not remember them now
if these negative words or deeds hurt us that means we will have negative thoughts and it is advisable to keep away from them
but
if we can take them as our teachers who are trying to help us to practice patience and we can verify how far we have succeed in facing such negative situation, that is the best
because
we always have to live with negative and positive situation
there is no place in this world that provide us the perfect situation to practice
I disagree.
It's like expecting a headache and having to put up with it when you get one.
Rubbish.
If it hurts and is distracting - take the damn pain-killer, but look to why you get so many headaches, and seek to avoid that cause in future.
Same with negativity - do something about it immediately - quit mixing with it, giving it head-room, or tolerating it. There is absolutely no obligation whatsoever, when presented with poison, to drink it.
Then learn a coping mechanism so that such things can never affect you in the same way, again.
I think upekka was saying to take the negativity to the path. This type of thinking is in the lojong 'mind training'.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tenzin-norbu/lojong-meditation-bodhisattva-mind-training-practice_b_1961619.html
http://lojongmindtraining.com/
Hey Carrieryman in my opinion cut all negative toxic people out of your life asap, because they can't be helped & will only slow down your own progress..The people left in your life & others you meet in your day to day life, will be enough practice until you've mastered the basics of emotions & feelings control/realising..Try to master mindful meditation & how to mindfully do stuff, & learn how to master your emotions & feelings..Just work on your self try to get on top of your whole life, & it's vital that along the way you find your hobbies/passions/interests that you love..The gist of mindfulness training is to get to a stage, where you can go about your daily business without the need to think in words unless you want to..You say your becoming more mindful, but your actually becoming more aware of your self....A few tips for you that i came up with through my training, that will really progress your training: No multi tasking ever, no eating in front of the T.V or with music playing, no music playing whilst doing housework etc, no driving with music playing, doing simple tasks with the opposite to normal hand..If people are annoying you it's emotions & feelings control, & for negative or unwanted or persistent thoughts it's mindful distraction..You only have to train every single day from tomorrow onwards, until you get the gist then knack then fully realise it for your self then you just maintain awareness which is easy..Then you will realise why it's so great, & why you'll never be able to explain it to anyone else..
@Carrieryman: I am not sure I read how relevant this people are in your everyday life.
On the one hand, we have no control over other people's behaviour or attitudes, and if we had to distance ourselves from all the people that hold bad energy, we'd end up in an atoll all by ourselves.
But on the other hand, being on the Buddhist path does not mean that you have to play doormat to people's unwholesome antics in general, harsh language and negativity in particular.
Carrying out experiments in compassion and serenity at the expense of your psyche's balance, in situations where simply removing yourself would be a safer choice, is in my opinion a pointless masochistic passtime.
If these people are not relatives, office colleagues, or people you have no control over to have around, simply put a safe distance between you and them.
If they are people who are part of your everyday life, try not to be judgmental of their attitudes, and simply brace yourself not to let their negativity get to you.
I'd just like to mention that i do listen to a lot of music everyday, but i don't do anything else at the same time unless I'm dancing or singing along. :-)
Here is what the Buddha had to say:
With metta