Completely failing at right speech
Susanna
Explorer
I'm currently in the middle of a difficult situation between my 16-year-old son and my ex-husband. Their relationship seems to consist mainly of my ex trying to get in touch with my son and my son trying to avoid his dad. The last time they met for any length of time my son came home very upset as his father had spent the whole time rubbishing me and my son ended up in tears. Now my ex is trying to organise a day trip with my son to see a relative, and rather than be honest and say no, my son is taking the ostrich position, telling his dad that his phone isn't working and expecting me to cover for him. Last night I agreed to text my ex and say that my son is busy tomorrow and won't be able to go with him. I feel really sick about this as I hate lying, and I'm sure my ex smells a rat and will probably be on the attack by Friday! The only other alternatives I can see would have been to pretend my phone wasn't working either or to be honest with my ex, but I couldn't stand the flak I would get and I do still have some compassion for him - I can imagine how I would feel if my children didn't want to see me. So do I just carry on making excuses and take the karma? Right speech sounds easy in theory but my goodness it can be very hard in real life!
Comments
Absolutely! It is so, so hard, and keep that firmly in mind. The important thing to hold close to you is that you are doing your best. There is no need to give yourself a hard time at all. It is wonderful that you are even trying to practice right speech. Think about how many human beings are quite happy to lie etc.? Life is practice... Buddhism is a practice. There is no expectation that you be perfect... nor even any expectation that do your best... you are loved and accepted for who you are right now just as you are. The question is one of your happiness, not of whether you are good or bad as a person. Your situation is a glorious opportunity to practice... nothing more, nothing less. Be grateful for the situation you are in. You are in life's gym and these are some heavy weights you are trying to lift... keep on, you'll 'fail' a few times, but gradually you'll build that spiritual muscle, and soon you will be flexing your right speech all over town. Bless you. All is well.
Have you considered either getting your son to tell your ex the truth, or telling your son you don't want to lie about it anymore and that you plan on telling your ex the truth next time he calls? Don't ask your son permission to tell the truth, but don't do it without warning him, anyway. And then don't argue with the ex about what he did or didn't say, just state the obvious that whatever it was, it's been upsetting the son.
I know life isn't a script where the ex will listen and there will be hugs all around, but sometimes even adults need a friend or family to point out they're doing something wrong.
If you think about it, those two reasons are not very good reasons to lie. First, the flak you would get for lying will be greater than simply telling the truth. Second, being compassionate doesn't mean you never tell a person things they don't want to hear. Often, telling them what they don't want to hear is the most compassionate thing to do to begin with. Keeping them in the dark about the reality of the situation, that's really the opposite of compassion. If your ex wants to have a relationship with his son, then he needs to know what to do in order for that to happen. By withholding that information, one could say you are actually hurting your ex even more, because if he does not know this, then he will never be able to have a proper relationship with his son. If having a relationship with his son is what will make him happy, then telling him how to do that is the most compassionate thing you can do for him.
No one ever said right speech (etc.) was easy.
Thanks for your replies. They gave me the kick up the backside I needed to really examine myself and why I was doing what I was doing. I had just drafted an e-mail to my ex when my son got up and I was able to have a sensible word with him. I told him I wasn't going to cover for him any more and we had a quick talk about how he actually feels. He says he only wanted to avoid this particular visit because he hasn't seen the person in question for years and thought it would be awkward, but didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He's intending to do other things with his dad later in the summer. So, while I still don't think it's a good way to have handled a situation, it's hopefully a one-off and I have learned from it.