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Severely Depressed
Hi all. People tend to come and go on internet forums so I doubt anybody remembers me but the last time I posted here I was just beginning to become sober.
I am now 67 days sober today, but despite my accomplishment in staying sober, I remain extremely depressed.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since I was 17 and I recognize this through the fact that I'll be feeling happy one moment and then, for no apparent reason, I'll be extremely depressed. I'm not suicidal, but I do toy around with the idea of killing myself in my head.
I am under the care of a Psychiatrist as well as a Therapist.
I've been trying many different things to alleviate my depression. Sharing at AA meetings, trying to find God, and all other stuff.
I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. I don't know how long I can maintain. I'm not looking for immediate answers, but anything will do. Please help!
I am now 67 days sober today, but despite my accomplishment in staying sober, I remain extremely depressed.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since I was 17 and I recognize this through the fact that I'll be feeling happy one moment and then, for no apparent reason, I'll be extremely depressed. I'm not suicidal, but I do toy around with the idea of killing myself in my head.
I am under the care of a Psychiatrist as well as a Therapist.
I've been trying many different things to alleviate my depression. Sharing at AA meetings, trying to find God, and all other stuff.
I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. I don't know how long I can maintain. I'm not looking for immediate answers, but anything will do. Please help!
0
Comments
Are there any particular or repeating thoughts that make you feel depressed?
I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II. I'm on a med and seeing a therapist. It's been helping me fairly good.
But, most importantly, you need to take ACTION. Go meet people, socialize, make connections, cultivate compassion, go to temples, find groups with similar interest, exercise, find hobbies, volunteer, read, watch movies... and so on.
You're not gonna sit there and think yourself out of depression.
Young lady singer called Emily Maguire was also diagnosed with Bipolar at a very young age. She was institutionalised, and say now, in her book*, that Buddhism has brought the deepest meaning to her life she has ever known.
I recommend her book, and the song of the same name.
Read about her, the Book and the Song.
What's wrong with this? Why reject this reality of impermanence?
Meditate, see this for yourself. You are courageous, I know you are. You have support here, support from your psychiatrist and therapist. But most of all, please please befriend yourself and understand there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Peace will come when your own situation is accepted by yourself. The stories about your 'problems' don't exist, really see this. Fully. Things are just as they are.
My advice would be to meditate and gain this insight on your own, the motivation from suffering is here. You are in fertile ground and fortunate to be in this position.
There are also some nice articles which deal with a buddhist point of view regarding depression ( see link below)
http://viewonbuddhism.org/depression.html
And also a blog post which talks about buddhism and depression
http://thebuddhistblog.blogspot.com/2005/10/buddhism-and-sitting-with-depression.html
The important thing is to stay strong and keep faith in yourself.
Metta to all sentient beings
Have you ever been severely depressed? If you have, there's no way you could ask this question flippantly. I hope you're not being off-handed, but it certainly sounds that way. Severe depression isn't something you "just live with" or that you "just get over". What's wrong with it? It's debilitating, and all too often it drives people to suicide. If you've never experienced it, there is *no* way you can possibly ask the question you've asked.
Have you ever try in a conscious way: "i wont pass not even a second of the day thinking in that feeling, in depression, in something related to that subject" ?
Its a really good exercise. You will notice that mindfulness its the only way. Being mindful about dont falling into the thinking, being mindful about something else..
Just do it one entire day, see what happends.
Good luck!
With metta
I don't know if this will be helpful, or if I can even express adequately what I'm trying to get across, so my apologies ahead of time if not. Since you're posting this on a Buddhist forum, I assume you have some interest in Buddhism to start with. If that's the case, then "trying to find God" is kind of academic, since Buddhism is sort of ambivalent (or silent) on the entire issue of whether there is or isn't a creator god.
My own experience is that the harder I've looked for something, the more elusive it has been, and that includes what I previously thought of as "God". Once I stopped searching and just let things *be* as they were, I came to the realization that "god" (my definition) is already all around and has been all along. I could go on for pages about that, but I don't think that's where you're at right now, but I'm happy to discuss it with you if you're interested.
On the subject of depression, I can speak with a great deal of personal experience. I've been depressed off and on (mostly on) since my early 20s, and I've tried just about all the meds that are out there. Some of them worked okay, and others didn't. What I have found out is that physicians know a whole lot less than they claim to. Since they can't live inside your brain with you, they really have no idea exactly what you're going through, nor how exactly you're reacting to the meds they're feeding you. I'm not against meds (I'm an RN after all), and they do have their place. But I think they're grossly over-used, and more often than not mis-prescribed. They're a magic bullet in the minds of prescribers, and that's not what they are. Most current meds have been around for less than 20 years, and nobody *really* knows what any of the long term effects of any of them is on the brain or body.
There has been a good deal of research recently on the positive effects of the EPA component of Omega-3 fatty acids in depression. I've been on a relatively high dose of that for some months now, and even with the stress of being a full time grad student (I'm in my late 40s), my depression is better than it's been in many years. I can't swear that would work for you, but it's worth investigating. Your MD psych may not agree, but like I said, my experience is that they usually don't know as much as they think they do.
Meditation is also a HUGE benefit in depression. Cultivating mindfulness is one of the best ways to combat depression. It's not always easy, but it can be done, and I strongly encourage you to take it up if you haven't already.
I certainly wish you the very best with your journey.
Peace
I don't mean to ask it flippantly. I mean to urge him to question these emotions and the very basis of reality itself. Yes, depression happens. However, our minds create a story about it -- 'I shouldn't be feeling this way, I should be feeling happy. Something's wrong with me maybe I should get some meds to get the 'happy' feeling instead of the 'sad' feeling..' I have taken anti-depressants before, I have gone through existential angst -- panic attacks, suicidal thoughts the whole nine yards. Confronting the insanity of this situation we call life isn't very fun or easy; however through meditation practice and everyday mindfulness I made progress and understood that these emotions carried no weight or substance and were not fueled when not cared about. The reason why I didn't care about them was because of this insight of impermanence that I gained through the practice. Therefore, I encouraged him to practice. Sorry if I sounded flippant but honestly these emotions have no meaning other than what we give them and we have no idea what life is so how is any concept valid?
For me there is no uncertainty about this. I don't believe there is a creator god. And I think most Buddhist tend to this opinion though I may be wrong.
As for ravkes comments, I don't think there is any intention to be flippant. Lets get things straight. Depression is not cured overnight. It takes a long time to get to the stage where you could be classed a clinically depressed and it takes a long time to overcome it. Its just a fact that you have to accept that you have depression and by labellng it as unsatisfactory and wishing it was gone or that you were someone else or it wouldnt happen to you, does not solve anything. It just makes you increase your desires and craving which I would argue makes things worse. By accepting what you have and understanding its causes and not letting it rule your life and indeed learning to live with it is a big step in overcoming it.
Metta to all sentient beings
As you know, it can become a very misguided attempt to alleviate suffering.
I, along with many other students of the Buddha, have had problems with depression and his close friend anxiety.
The reason that Buddhism works is that it addresses both the cause and the remedy for our suffering through direct experience.
I would ask, how is your meditation practice going?
Your advice was immediately helpful.
I tried mediating yesterday after I posted this and I found myself very calm and "in the moment" which is what I was hoping would happen.
I agree I need to be active. I need to do things to help myself.
This is easily the worst advice I have ever seen on this forum.
Severe depression can kill you. It is a recognized medical problem that can lead to self medication, self harm and suicide. I've suffered from severe depression. I remember opening the fridge and not being able to get at the milk because there was a water pitcher in the way. I had as much hope of maintaining a meditation regimen ....or any type of regimen whatsoever.... as I did of waterskiing down Niagara Falls.
Gil Fronsdal in one of his zencasts talked about a friend of his who suffered from depression. Nothing in Buddhism helped. His friend turned to antidepressants and his life turned around.
BlackFlag: tell your health care providers how you are feeling. Talk to your friends and family. If at all possible, go for long walks. That by itself can make an incredible difference, but I realize doing so can take a lot of mental effort. Know that you're not alone in this.,
At the end, I ended up seeking medical help and professional therapy.
Depression or bipolar isn't always something that could be tackled by studying and practicing "Buddhism." Even Dalai Lama's brother who is diagnosed with bipolar takes medications.
Seek out some professional help outside of Buddhism. You need all the help you can get.
You can address your depression with your professionals, but when you leave their offices, employ mindfulness and meditation again. This will starve them out.
Sorry, it seems as if I don't have the correct understanding of the situation. Then again none of us do because we aren't him, but I will ask you a question -- What is good and bad? How can anybody classify something as 'better' or 'worse' .. who is this interpreter of the unknown?
Anyways, BlackFlag do what you gotta do.. I'm happy the meditation is helping you.
With metta
Thank you
With metta
Like you, I have recently gotten off alcohol. My last drink was sep 12, 2010 I believe (no earlier, but possibly sep 13 at the latest) and it's now october 17, 2010. I have felt stoned and "unreal" (what I was calling "derealization" for years) for about 2.5 years after paxil withdrawal and then being put on benzos (which I am currently tapering off of and going through benzo withdrawal from). I live in transitional housing right now and the place is infested with bedbugs, so I basically sleep at my friend's house all the time so I don't get bitten (I refuse to waste money buying furniture for temporary housing just so it can be infested)... so I am also getting a bit cabin -feverish.
In short, I understand the depression and feeling like you're at the end of your rope. I also just quit cigarettes cold turkey and am afraid my brain is damaged from psych meds (won't know anything until I am off the benzos entirely, which won'y be until mid jan 2011).
All I can say is take it one moment at a time. One second at a time, even. Don't go back to drinking, as drinking ultimately is a CNS (central nervous system) depressant and it also disinhibits people, and if you are bipolar it could get you into trouble/hospitalized (especially if you were manic and drunk at the same time).
Many people use alcohol to self-medicate anxiety, depression and general feelings of discomfort and dissatisfaction (that's what I did for years!) so that may be why you still feel depressed... you gave up the alcohol but haven't yet dealt with the reason you were drinking in the first place/learned ways to cope.
Many people drink to drown their anxiety and depression about any number of things. Until you figure out what you were using alcohol to mask, it will eat at you, I think. But congrats on going so long without booze, that's excellent!
Sometimes when I am really down and feel envious (I have found that personally, what drives a lot of my depression and "hatred" of my life is envy that my life isn't like somebody else's)- I mentally or even physically make a list of what I am grateful for in this life. For instance:
I am glad I was born a human and have a chance to help other humans, animals, etc.
I am glad I have two very good friends who care about and love me.
I am glad I love animals so much and that I notice and appreciate their beauty.
I am glad I live in such a beautiful part of the world.
I am glad I don't have locked in syndrome of ALD, I am glad I have full use of my arms and legs, and am not blind or deaf.
I am glad I have the intelligence and inner strength to realize what in my life I CAN change and am glad that, as I get older, I have the will power to take the steps necessary to achieve my goals.
Sort of like that. A lot of the time I make (without trying to) the OPPOSITE sort of list, things about my life I HATE and why I want to die- so I can be reincarnated and start "fresh" (yes, its okay if you laugh at the silliness of that rather juvenile thought). My negative life lists go like this...
I can't wait until I die (hopefully of a burst aneurism in my sleep) so I can die and be reincarnated so...
1. I can have a childhood and not be abused
2. I can reach my goals and not have brain damage or "x" etc...
I think most people tend to make these negative mental lists whether they are consciously aware of it or not, so I try to remind myself to make positive ones, because actually, there are MANY more reasons to be positive.
Depression, too, is also often called anger turned inward.
Sorr yfor rambling, I am drinking coffee (usually don't drink it, but trying to wake up) and a bit hyper.
Again, thanks for the help everyone. I've been feeling pretty good these past couple of days and sober too
You don't have to fight it. That is just it. Let it run its course. Lean into it.
You just don't accept those thoughts BUT you also don't reject them. Just let them be there.
I have never been through what you describe so cannot pretend to be anykind of expert on the subject,but I was wondering if instead of trying to fight it,would laughing at it help,or is that really not possible when this occurs?
With metta
That would be my suggestion. Practice breathing meditation daily. Not with the purpose of figuring anything out. But just as a way to treat yourself to some peace and quiet. As thoughts come to you, just let them go. No matter how long you are lost in thought, as soon as you wake up and become aware of the present moment again, gently and without judgement or analysis return your attention to your breath.
Do not indulge your thoughts in any way. Just come back to the breath. This can be very challenging when in the grips of anxiety/depression because we are so use to obsessive thought which revolves around our imaginary self which we believe is broken.
We can become so use to thinking our negative thoughts about ourselves we actually believe them to be true. Our stories about ourselves take on a life of there own. But they are not real. Just an illusion.
As our awareness increases, these illusions, suffering, confusion, and sorrow decrease. We see that all of these experiences are based on delusion.
Best Wishes and be kind to yourself. You deserve it. We all do.