I thought this would be easy

letitgo · November 2010

Yoga? wonderful! I can do this. Meditation? Ah... blissful relaxation.

Oh! But wait! There's more! The opening in the mind of long repressed memories of wrongs received and delivered. Small ones recalled at first. Then some whoppers.

This Buddhism path is turning from a walk in the park into a sometimes rocky and dangerous mountain climb!

I was a troubled, mentally ill child and youth. I did some rotten things. Happily, I met young lady who had faith in me and enabled me to begin to heal. Now, decades later, the healing continues.

The issue now is in meditation the uncovering of long festering cysts of unskillful behaviors of my youth. The temptation was to stop meditation and let them be reburied. I cannot do that. It is a form of clinging that prolongs suffering.

I do metta. I am learning to let it go. It is not easy.

shenpennangwa · November 2010

You're right. Its not easy.
The guidance of an authentic teacher is essential.

BlackFlag · November 2010

shenpen nangwa wrote: »

You're right. Its not easy.
The guidance of an authentic teacher is essential.

I need a teacher. I've been searching but there's a lot of options in NYC and it's a little confusing because some of them charge money and theres a lot of different things to remember.

shenpennangwa · November 2010

BlackFlag wrote: »

I need a teacher. I've been searching but there's a lot of options in NYC and it's a little confusing because some of them charge money and theres a lot of different things to remember.

Nearly all dharma centers need to charge money. Its just something we have to get used to.

letitgo · November 2010

I have an excellent teacher. And it is still very hard.

The dharma talks often speak of forgiving others of wrongs done to you. They rarely speak of forgiving yourself of the wrongs you have done others. I think it all comes down to the same thing - a lot of metta practice.

BlackFlag · November 2010

shenpen nangwa wrote: »

Nearly all dharma centers need to charge money. Its just something we have to get used to.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to giving a little money.

But I just want to make sure I'm not getting ripped off.

letitgo · November 2010

Yes, a LOT to remember. Be patient and persistent. Be willing to "pay" what you might for any similar skilled resource. I give what I would pay for yoga.

letitgo · November 2010

BlackFlag wrote: »

I need a teacher. I've been searching but there's a lot of options in NYC and it's a little confusing because some of them charge money and theres a lot of different things to remember.

See the links here. http://www.spiritrock.org/display.asp?pageid=123&catid=12

Spirit Rock has a wonderful tradition upon which many insight meditation centers have been founded. Listen to some of their talks online.

Humble · November 2010

You mentioned "mentally ill" have you been diagnosed with anything. If this is too personal I understand but certain mental illnesses may become exacerbated through meditation.

 [FONT=&quot]But yes I have gone through something quite similar myself. Though I did not have as much of a problem with past deeds when I began meditating often and dream journaling I began to recall 3-5 dreams a night in rich detail. Many of these dreams revealed secret parts of me that had previously been hidden and some were so disturbing that I stopped the practice of dream journaling all together.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It occurred to me that in order to continue at some point a community and hopefully a teacher must be found. I strongly recommend finding a local Buddhist community. There is a world wide directory of such communities at this website.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
http://www.buddhanet.info/wbd/

federica · November 2010

BlackFlag wrote: »

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to giving a little money.

But I just want to make sure I'm not getting ripped off.

Don'y worry.
If you're being ripped off, you'll soon know it.
It's not the money that matters. It's what you get in return.
Remember: Simply because you might feel you're being 'ripped off' others in the same situation might feel they're getting exactly what they seek.
It's simply a matter of making the right connection.
If the connection isn't there, it may have nothing to do with the money. (Although you might think it is....) It might be that you just don't get the connection.

TreeLuvr87 · November 2010

letitgo, kudos to you for continuing to walk the path and face the whopper coming up. you're right, it's NOT easy. i'm glad that you recognize how important it is to keep going. your post is inspirational.

letitgo · November 2010

Re: "You mentioned "mentally ill" have you been diagnosed with anything. If this is too personal I understand but certain mental illnesses may become exacerbated through meditation.

But yes I have gone through something quite similar myself. Though I did not have as much of a problem with past deeds when I began meditating often and dream journaling I began to recall 3-5 dreams a night in rich detail. Many of these dreams revealed secret parts of me that had previously been hidden and some were so disturbing that I stopped the practice of dream journaling all together.

It occurred to me that in order to continue at some point a community and hopefully a teacher must be found. I strongly recommend finding a local Buddhist community. There is a world wide directory of such communities at this website."

(ach! can't figure out the quoting process.)

Mentally ill? On meds for major depression and anxiety most of my life. Many suicidal episodes - too many to count. Barely survived one. At death's door in hospital and had a "wake up" moment of sanity. Have been able to quit anti-depressants after insights from meditation. Still on anti-anxiety meds.

Meditating exacerbating mental illness! Yes. It can be a bit like a bad acid trip at times. I have a therapist (who is not up to date with my issues), and you all. What has worked is meditation with hindrance techniques, and a lot of metta practice.

Journaling? I have considered a private memoir. This was before studying the dharma. I am now of a mind that hanging onto these memories in mind or paper is a form of clinging that I can do without. I would rather clean out that file cabinet one bit at a time as it comes up in meditation. It feels right to have come to that decision. Like loosing everything on a bad hard drive and coming to discover you did not really need any of it anyway.

I am involved in a sangha now. Yes, it is good. I am not able to share any of my shameful horror stories, but don't really see the point anyway. This is not catholicism, and it would add pain to the world, not release it.

Humble · November 2010

I am glad you are doing better now. Never underestimate the importance of counseling though, it is especially useful to some one who has been through as much as you have to continue it. You may even find a humanistic psychologist if the one you are seeing does not feel right. Humanistic psychology has been heavily influenced by Buddhism so you will see allot of similarities and the authors of books like "I never knew I had a choice" frequently quote Buddhist authors. To me a spiritual life and counseling can complement each other nicely. I hope you continue to grow and never fall back into that deep depression again.

P.S. It sounds like you may have done some things you have not forgiven yourself for. If you can find the strength to forgive yourself, accept yourself, and truly love yourself you will likely find you have much more love to offer others as well. To me forgiving is not condoning (the act) it is a form of love that benefits both the perpetrator of the act requiring forgiveness and the recipient of the act who forgives. In this case forgiving yourself is twice positive!

Namaste

letitgo · November 2010

Humble,

I do have a therapist who was a monk and uses the Dharma as the basis of his practice. He is also a licensed psychotherapist. (Nice!) When we had our last visit, I think he was wise to my issues before I was. His prescription was metta practice, daily or more. I do this and it is healing.

When he asked me what I thought about the simple metta language, I said I don't deserve it. (hmmm. that is some clue, don't you think?)

I called off further sessions with him due to work scheduling problems, and possibly an unconscious resistance.

More sessions are likely to be scheduled early next year when my work schedule becomes eased.

Mr_Serenity · November 2010

letitgo wrote: »

Humble,

I do have a therapist who was a monk and uses the Dharma as the basis of his practice. He is also a licensed psychotherapist. (Nice!) When we had our last visit, I think he was wise to my issues before I was. His prescription was metta practice, daily or more. I do this and it is healing.

When he asked me what I thought about the simple metta language, I said I don't deserve it. (hmmm. that is some clue, don't you think?)

I called off further sessions with him due to work scheduling problems, and possibly an unconscious resistance.

More sessions are likely to be scheduled early next year when my work schedule becomes eased.

Your therapist sounds like a nice one to have. Do you have any idea how old he was when he received his psychology degree? I have always been into psychology, but what stopped me from taking it up in college is that I've never been good at school. I'm good at learning martial arts, but when it comes to me going to school several days a week, it feels like pulling teeth. I think it may be something that is just not for me.

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