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Negative view towards ppl... tips?
I've had a negative view towards people for a long time, especially for the past year, and I really want to get over it because it makes me put my guard up all the time which is very draining. My negativity has developed over many personal experiences with people who are close to me, such as family members and friends who I thought were trustworthy. I've tried to be "nicer" to other people many times, but ended up being taken advantage on almost every occasion. It has taught me that most friendships are simply a barter of benefits, which is extremely fickle, and makes one very easy to be taken advantage of if not careful. I have also learned that simply lowering my expectations won't solve the problem; to cite one example out of many, it won't get rid of my inconsiderate roommate. It's been very difficult to muster up the serenity to accept things I can't change.
I remember reading about the Buddha talking about the importance of having good companions, and I can say that I've got only 4 in my life... 2 family members (out of a LARGE family), my gf, and a very good friend of mine. As a result, these days I often feel very lonely and closed-in, which is aggravated by the fact that none of my good companions are ever with me because I've already been studying for 4 years at a uni very far from my hometown. It's not that I'm anti-social, I just don't really like the people I'm surrounded by. I remember the Buddha saying that if one can't find good companions, it is better to be alone, which I'm also finding very hard to do.
Would appreciate any thoughts/tips on this issue, thanks
I remember reading about the Buddha talking about the importance of having good companions, and I can say that I've got only 4 in my life... 2 family members (out of a LARGE family), my gf, and a very good friend of mine. As a result, these days I often feel very lonely and closed-in, which is aggravated by the fact that none of my good companions are ever with me because I've already been studying for 4 years at a uni very far from my hometown. It's not that I'm anti-social, I just don't really like the people I'm surrounded by. I remember the Buddha saying that if one can't find good companions, it is better to be alone, which I'm also finding very hard to do.
Would appreciate any thoughts/tips on this issue, thanks
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I'd rather look at the "bartering" you alluded to as bartering in kind words, helpful, cooperative deeds, and life stories, etc. A shared love of, say, Ancient Music, can really bring people together and see excellent qualities in someone. When you start seeing all the beauty, you lose the negative hold on your perspective.
Ever consider hanging around a few elderly people who are happy and content with your company? They're easily found and have grown in compassion through their years.
Well put. Maybe volunteering at a nursing home or day center would help with this loneliness problem. And it very well may be that you would find people close to your own age that would see how much you enjoy it and you might make some friends in the process.
Look up the lyric's to John Prine's "Old People".
Although I find elderly ppl intimidating, now that you mention it, I'll scout around for some old folks' home to help out at.
Hi Minimax,
The reason why you are facing these problems in your friendships because you are constantly protecting yourself and seeking your own benefit. The teachings say, "The Buddhas seek to benefit others and they have attained liberation, sentient beings seek to benefit self and they are still revolving in samsara".
Although you think you are protecting yourself, actually you are creating more and more suffering for yourself. According to Buddhist wisdom, suffering comes from self-absorption, self-clinging, self-cherishing.
If you think that others are making use of you, as far as you can go, feel happy, feel that it is great that you can be of some benefit to others. Why begrudge it unless it will cause you great bodily harm or cause them harm in the future such as creating bad karma or negative deeds? Use your discretion and wisdom to see what things will lead to in future... as long as the deed is harmless and beneficial to them, then by all means, why not let them make use of you?
If you have sufficient faith in cause-and-result, you will see that other people making use of you is only due to a returning of karmic debt which you have owed others from the past... nothing arises without a cause. Hence, when they make use of you, you can rejoice, thinking that finally you have a chance to repay them. If these debts go unpaid, it will still have to be paid in future lives. Karma never fails.
If you really wish to change the situation, change your mindset and attitude to be grateful to all beings. Be happy to give them benefit. Seeing the negatives in the situation is due to an over fixation on the benefit-and-loss ledger of the situation... if you do not have such a strong notion of gain-and-loss over the relationships, you will not even have the mind to analyse or calculate who is benefitting or losing out in the relationship in the first place, right? Your mind will be carefree and easy. The calculative mind arises from selfishness and unwillingness to repay your past debts.
If you learn to give and give, wish only to benefit others then the relationship becomes a very fertile area for you to progress spiritually, n to create vast merits. You will also not become more and more lonely and self-centred.
Training the mind in bodhichitta teachings is quite important. I can recommend that you read more extensively on teachings like "The 37 Practices of Bodhisattvas", "8 Verses of Mind Training", "Seven Points Mind Training" and "The Way of the Bodhisattva" by Shantideva.
For a greater and deeper appreciation of karma, read the Sutra of Wise and Foolish and Sutra of 100 Karmas
Gratefulness for all beings can be developed by reflecting on how every single item in our life comes from the kindness of others. Like people clearing the rubbish, building roads, cleaning your home, your parents, your friends, your teachers, police, government, firemen... if you say you paid taxes for these things, remember that if not for the collective taxes paid by everyone, you won't have these public facilities. To create the food you eat, many beings have to die. Much toil and labour. The earthworms turn the earth, the bees pollinate the flowers and give us fruits. The workers in the factories may get cancer for overexposure to the chemicals used for dyeing your T-shirts and clothings.. your clothes come from the kindness of animals, silkworms etc. There is endless endless kindnesses that others give to us that we never think of. We live in an interdependent world. Basically we come into this world with nothing, so what did we really give back to others? We only took so much... So do you remember the kindness of others? If you cultivate such a heart, then you will see that it is your duty to benefit others, it is a matter of joy to give back when you have received so much.
I hope this advice helps you.:) Don't take any comment personally if it feels ascerbic... i just thought it would be more helpful to say things honestly...
Also, young children in pre-school and the early grades are just delightful to volunteer a few hours a month or week reading to or just hanging out with. Actually, I find them right reverent little masters of mystery and respect for young adults.
Word, Mon.
What I meant was that they're not good places for the elderly to hang around in!
Though true dat, it's nice for them to be uplifted by visits from young people, who are inexorably very beautiful to their eyes and ears.
However, the crude conditions can depress a sensitive person, especially at this darksome time of the year.
My other suggestion or tip is to do loving-kindness meditation and just turn any resentment off. We all have dragons to meet and slay, and just resenting people without attacking the problem might make the dragon's shadow loom a bit larger over our heads.
because you have to consider what you're being used FOR. If it's for a good cause, no problem (and hence I like volunteering), but people who are manipulative - at least the ones I've encountered - tend to use others for their own selfish goals or/and are just plain lazy. One should always examine the moral character and intentions for any act of Dana, as taught by the Buddha. It also goes against the notion of compassion as described by Ajahn Brahm, which is to treat everyone as equal, including oneself. If you were to offer help indiscriminately/unwisely, which I feel that I have done for a good while now, people would easily trample all over you doormat-style. Also, it could easily affect others too. For example, once my gf flew thousands of miles just to visit me for a couple of weeks, only to have spent over half the time alone because I had to pick up my teammates' slack in a project that had tens of thousands of dollars at stake. On a much more personal level, my mother gave up her job and youth, on the urging of her in-laws, to help my father build his business, only to lose everything in the end because 1) her in-laws spread false rumors about her infidelity and 2) my father's one promiscuous prick (ironic isn't it). How did this affect me? Well, my siblings and I had to cope with my mom's near-suicidal depression, not to mention we're like on the poverty line because my father decided to start a new family. Anyway, sorry about that being a bit loaded, but the point is, relating to your benefit-and-loss ledger analogy, my goodwill account has suffered a large impairment charge (sorry had to do that lol). Whether this is due to previously accumulated karma, I don't know and I don't care, I just want to find out ways to meet good companions and direct my focus towards the better things in life during the process.
I think that's great; how many more would you like?
Each of us can only have a finite number of good companions, because we only have a finite amount of time.
I'd say four good companions is great!
I still think, though, minimax, that the piece from bodhiactivity that you quoted is sound advice. Why begrudge people benefitting from you if it's not hurting you? People everywhere just need love, understanding and support from others. Ever think that maybe you can be a Lamp not only unto yourself, but also a beacon for others?
You may not be there yet, but WHY let anything stand in the way of that?
If there is a divine spark in any of us, any resentment of our brothers and sisters can only make that spark to smolder and burn inward, causing the heart harm.
While, at first, this might sound undesirable, soon enough, if you become emotional self-suffecient (which is not something you attain, but work at daily), you'll see that the right kind of people will flock towards you and vice versa.
Thanks for your advice, Epicurus. Will keep that in mind
you're in a long, long boot camp! Resign yourself to this phase right now the best you can if you want to be happy. The French word for happiness is content[ment].
Just be as free from all this as you can and don't compare yourself to others. We're made of change and what is true today will not be so tomorrow.
Ever try meditating at an art museum? They have some pretty neat places to sit, and they do tend to be quiet. When the noisy children come, they even make for a nice temporary interruption.
Mind over matters. You were born to be free, born for Bliss.
Sometimes we distance ourselves from people because we have been hurt in the past and think we know other peoples motives. I have been for most of my life a fairly self centered person, very introspective, maintaining only a few close relationships, not willing to invest heavily in more than a couple relationships at a time.
Over the last couple years something happened though. I moved in with my Fiancée and her two daughters fell in love with me (the soon to be step dad). At first I was overwhelmed thinking now I have three needy women in my life! But over time I discovered that while I was doing more for others now than I ever have in my life I was also receiving more than I ever have in my life. I was growing and learning and truly developing as a person in ways I did not even consider before.
Occasionally I still sense myself entering into a negative cycle of thinking. Maybe it starts small with a mess the kids make or having to go somewhere with them I do not want to go (I hate Disneyland and we have passes) I start to think negatively and it builds until I'm saying and doing negative things. Nothing terrible just being grumpy but this brings everyone down and no one is having a good time anymore.
When this happens I do a few things. I practice metta meditation if I have time waiting in line, sitting in the car etc. or If I have allot of time I read about psychology or Buddhism which reverses the negative thinking cycle. If I am strapped on time I recite Saint Francis's prayer. I am not Catholic but I identify with Saint Francis and believe he was probably a tulku (because he was so unlike most Catholics of his time)
Lord make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Injury; pardon
Doubt; faith
Despair; hope
Darkness; light
Sadness; joy
O divine master may I seek not so much to
Be consoled as to console
Be understood as to understand
Be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life
The last line is optional but I left it in for the sake of authenticity. The message is what is important. When we forgive others we are giving ourselves a gift and relinquishing a burden. When we open up ourselves to other people we are giving them an opportunity to be loved and understood as well as ourselves an opportunity to be loved and understood.
There will be people who will take advantage of you. All you can do is recognize those people and set up realistic boundaries. For example if you have a "friend" who only ever asks you to hang out when he/she is too intoxicated to drive his/herself you can start saying I want to hang out with you but only when you are sober.
Closing yourself off from people is denying yourself the ability to form new relationships that can benefit both yourself and others. I hope this helps.
Namaste
EDIT
As I reread and rethink what you have posted I begin to think that you would potentially benefit greatly from therapy. I say this because I am a student of psychology and because I have known wonderful people who still bear the wounds and burdens of their childhood. If it is true that "My negativity has developed over many personal experiences with people who are close to me, such as family members and friends who I thought were trustworthy" then you must have good reasons to feel the way that you do but overcoming these obstacles may be a great moment in your life signaling a new era of personal growth and happiness for you. I am not sure if you have negative views of therapy or not but it is my opinion that you would benefit from it. We have come a long way since the drunken rantings of Freud and cognitive behavioral therapy as well as humanistic psychology have made great strides in helping people reach their fullest potential.
Therapy is not just for those who are mentally ill. In fact therapy can help very healthy people change some unhealthy behaviors or thought processes and grow in new and exciting ways. Many psychologists I know still see a therapist because while they consider themselves healthy they value the insight of other trained professionals.
Love and peace
what Humble suggests about therapy should not be dismissed on financial grounds. You say you're strapped, but that doesn't mean you can't afford it; there are ways.
The important thing is to come to wholeness. If you feel radically divided or separated from others, you cannot be happy. My guru used to point out that separation causes pain. For example, it's the slashing of flesh that causes the most pain; it's the confrontations between people and peoples that cause the most strife and pain... Confrontations pit parties against each other and highlight the separateness they feel —apart from each other.
But we are not separate unless our minds will it. Else we are part of each other and wholly united in communion and harmony.
It feels good to feel love, to give it and receive it back.
http://www.turningpointsantaana.org/
Also as a side not e most community colleges (at least in CA) offer therapy for free to students. This could also help with the loneliness problem if you have a community college in your area you could consider taking a Buddhist class (Asian studies) or a Psychology class ( I highly reccomend the Psychology of Adjustment though your local college may call it something different)
Finally if neither of these options is appropriate you can get this book "I Never Knew I Had a Choice" it is the text book for my Psychology of adjustment class and deals with many important issues including relationships. The Corey's are both heavily influenced by Buddhism so they quote famous Buddhist's like Nhat Hanh and His Holiness the Dalai Lama.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0534347908/ref=dp_olp_used?ie=UTF8&condition=used
Because I don't see spending tens of thousands of dollars on something I'm not interested in studying? After all, I'm paying tuition for an education, not to meet friends. While it's unfortunate that I'm in this predicament, I don't think it's relevant to what I'm studying.
For the past few days, I have again thought about what bodhiactivity said, regarding harboring expectations when performing acts of kindness. I have realized that deep inside I've always had the "I'm doing this for you, so you'll do something for me" attitude. Combined with my unskillful ways of giving, it has festered into the crappy experiences I've had to deal with. This has become especially apparent when I try really hard to think about what I would've done instead if, say, I knew the other person would not thank me for my actions, or even give me the slightest acknowledgement. It then became conspicuously clear that I would have cut back a big majority of the "giving" I have done in the past, which shows that those actions were performed out of impure intentions. Contemplating about this has lifted a lot of the weight from my mind, as I feel that I've owned up to some of my mistakes, yet it also has given me more strength to not easily submit myself to other people's requests, as I'll try to incorporate that into my decisions from now on.
Humble & Nirvana, re: therapy, don't personally see anything wrong with seeing a therapist, although my impression was that they tended to see ppl with much more severe conditions. At the moment, I'll continue to work on my attitude alone, unless it becomes unbearable, at which point I'll see therapy. Many thanks for the suggestions
I hear you minimax. I'm at uni too, but instead of people slacking, its the stupid competitiveness driving me crazy. Luckily, there's some older people in my program who are far more mellow, and actually learn for its own sake. I'm going to start hanging out with them.
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One more thing, minimax.
I wanted to say this earlier and did touch on it a bit when I was talking about how beautiful young people are to the elderly.
The older you get, the more you will appreciate people and the bigger your heart will grow. I mean, if you want! (We all know some people get worse.)
Compassion is not just some idea or ideal —or even just a faculty.
It's a dimension. The older you grow, the more that dimension grows within you. With compassion, negativity falls away.
I suspect that when I was your age I was much more negative than you seem to think you are now. I remember telling friends that I would NEVER work for the public. That's changed.
As I said earlier, you're in the boot camp phase of your life and you're being brutalized. This too will pass, but a cheerful acceptance will help a lot.
Minimax, it seems my statement "You must really want to do this course to persist with such difficulties. What meaning does this study have for you?" has been perceived by you as some kind of negative criticism of your study choice. My intention was that sometimes I have found reminding myself that I am doing something that has a lot of meaning and value for me has helped me to be willing to live with difficult situations and relax and stop struggling against them.
I am glad and as you have noted yourself this is a long term effort. I just wanted to add re-framing the situation as a short term coping method while you work with insights into your interactions with others. just a suggestion.:)
Get to know your lonliness, perhaps you'll see that it's impossible to conquer (unless you join the BORG) - it's impossible to conquer because it's a mistake of perception or it's an illusion of self/separation..
hmm.. and as far as being negative to others, play it like OBI WAN KENOBI. He knows that most people suck and are greedy, lame, and weak minded.. but he deals with them skillfully.
Of course he has a few select friends that are cool too right?