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swift transcience, alas somewhat phomy
ThailandTom
Veteran
greetings sangha 
I have not been posting on the forum too much recently and I know how much you all miss me :eek: but I thought I would like to share some things in here right now...
Firstly for those who do not know I struggled with this attachment, this long destructive attachment and could not bear it much longer.
Secondly I had two cancer scares around the same time and this all was just too much to cope with, so I went to see the doctor and he gave me some valium. I FULLY understand this covers up a problem that exists, it is a mask of sorts and doesn't solve the root problem but merely hides it. The thing is,I cannot remember my life being much better than it is now, I have taken valium many a year ago, to abuse it, but this time it has made me more social, positive, forget my ex and let go of her and allow her to heal and be free, which at the end of the day is really important to me. I am less anxious, very much so, social everything I was not and was striving to be.
Now, moving on to a more buddhist section of the thread and to those who can spare the few minutes to read such a post, I shall continue.
The Valium has helped, there is no doubt about that, but this is an intoxication, a defiance of a precept. I tried to meditate, I tried the dharma for nearly 2 years and boy it helped with many things, but with these specific things it did not. I see monks walking around at in the morning and I think that my life now is okay, I feel good, little attachments, I am very compassionate and generous still, but is it fake... I cannot meditate on valium either as it basically just numbs your brain to an extent.
Lastly, how does one overcome jealousy in any form. Jealousy is as we know an instinctive human emotion and it is a negative one at that. I will try and give an example, sometimes if we are in a group of people talking and for a while my friend talks with somebody else for a long period of time, I can become a little jealous, which inevitably induces suffering.
Anyway, hello again sangha and hope you are all well and content, MINDFUL. take care and all advice is appreciated
Tom
I have not been posting on the forum too much recently and I know how much you all miss me :eek: but I thought I would like to share some things in here right now...
Firstly for those who do not know I struggled with this attachment, this long destructive attachment and could not bear it much longer.
Secondly I had two cancer scares around the same time and this all was just too much to cope with, so I went to see the doctor and he gave me some valium. I FULLY understand this covers up a problem that exists, it is a mask of sorts and doesn't solve the root problem but merely hides it. The thing is,I cannot remember my life being much better than it is now, I have taken valium many a year ago, to abuse it, but this time it has made me more social, positive, forget my ex and let go of her and allow her to heal and be free, which at the end of the day is really important to me. I am less anxious, very much so, social everything I was not and was striving to be.
Now, moving on to a more buddhist section of the thread and to those who can spare the few minutes to read such a post, I shall continue.
The Valium has helped, there is no doubt about that, but this is an intoxication, a defiance of a precept. I tried to meditate, I tried the dharma for nearly 2 years and boy it helped with many things, but with these specific things it did not. I see monks walking around at in the morning and I think that my life now is okay, I feel good, little attachments, I am very compassionate and generous still, but is it fake... I cannot meditate on valium either as it basically just numbs your brain to an extent.
Lastly, how does one overcome jealousy in any form. Jealousy is as we know an instinctive human emotion and it is a negative one at that. I will try and give an example, sometimes if we are in a group of people talking and for a while my friend talks with somebody else for a long period of time, I can become a little jealous, which inevitably induces suffering.
Anyway, hello again sangha and hope you are all well and content, MINDFUL. take care and all advice is appreciated
Tom
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Comments
I cannot evaluate or judge your situation, because I am not a psychiatrist, and I am smack in the middle of the USA and you are in Thailand so I can't come and see you
Be well, Tom.
I also had a cancer scare recently. It's not cool.
Jealousy or no jealousy, depression or no depression, ex or no ex....the remedy should always be working on self-esteem. It's the root of many a problem.
Best wishes.
Maybe let go of the idea that what you have is wrong and what they have is right?
If your drain is full of solid fat, pouring oil on it will not clear it.
Other more effective remedial measures are called for.
Mediation can have the effect of "dissolving" the ego-structures that hold subconscious anxiety in the subconscious, and the anxiety comes to the surface. If anxiety is already conscious, meditation can help, but if it's not conscious, it can come to the surface when the person is not "holding on as tightly to the ego".
I am currently taking anti-anxiety pills. I had a two year period of clinically diagnosed depression about twenty years ago which had me running to all and sundry seeking a "cure", which included tablets (various) In the end I managed to come out of it, and found myself meditating, which continueed for years. Then , quite out of the blue, a couple of years ago - after years of coasting (and meditating) anxiety struck again, virtually panic attacks over trifles. I truly found this shocking in the sense that they seemed to emerge from "nowhere" after thinking I had licked it. Anyway, I was back on the tablets, yet I can say that the past couple of years have been the most contented in my life and, to be honest, I really don't care what is being "covered up". Nerves run in my family, that seems to be the way it is. Jealosy? I see far more than jealosy in my life, day after day! Spite, judgement of others, envy, you name it. I see it, note it, and move on. Maybe the suffering is in staying put? Sometimes I also note that a moment passed me by which in the past would have bought such things in its wake, yet , as I say, I recognise the moment has passed without comment.
All the best
tariki
this seems to be very wise, as always coming from you, well most of the time. But right now I don't really care too much of the severity of the dharma to be honest. Probably too wrapped up in attachment, sensual pleasure and ego.
yea they do help shorrt term, but you obviously cannot take them for life.... my life in the last week has been the most productive, the most social, the most happy and compassionate. Before I was scared of my own shadow, never spoke to people much because of my anxiety, my compassion, loving kindnesss was always there inside, but never allowed out. now I can, I spend so much time every day talking to random people, to people in my hotel, eating with them, its great, BUT it is fake!
You cannot really meditate on valium, especially as I take about 80mg a day, sometimes a 100. Not happening.
But yea, I may go speak with a monk and see what he has to say, if he speaks much english that is.
Canceer scares are no fun, really horrible things to go though. I still do not 100% trst the doc, but owel, lets see what the future holds
Thank you all and good day sangha ^.^
Tom- that's an immense amount of Valium and it's dangerous (in my experience). Please get help and supervision. I just have never heard of an amount that high except in truly extreme circumstances.
Klonopin has helped me in the past. But I got a tolerance to it so I gave up on it and just took the anxiety. Now I am taking it again so that I can be more social.
But my strategy is to make the klonopin for special occasions. Times when I really feel to be at ease. When its important. Also for when I am so anxious that I feel like I will explode and it takes the edge off but doesn't relieve it.
But I'm still waiting for that kicking out habit to stop.
If you tried to stop them all right now you would have completely ape-shit panic withdrawals and probably a seizure so I recommend you go to a good doctor as soon as possible. This is dangerous stuff, Tom. Please get to a good reputable doctor as soon as possible and get this treated right. I feel pretty helpless sitting here on the other side of the planet dealing with this, but the best advice I can give is that you get to a good reputable doctor as soon as possible and get on an appropriate taper schedule.
I will write the disclaimer that I am just a guy on an internet forum, but I have also been a nurse for 30 years and what you're doing is just not consistent with any anxiety treatment I have ever seen. I'm surprised you can walk and type on the keyboard. In my opinion you should get to a good doctor and get on an appropriate and safe taper schedule.
That's the best I can do, bub. Please be safe.
Going by the last week I would claim that later I shall consume maybe 40-50mg more dizepam and maybe 6 lorzepam.. I have been drinking with it also, but I have not been a stumbling mess, I have been very social, compassionate, selfless and organized.
You mentioned that you were or are a nurse for the last 30 years, what do you make of this situation then, why are you surprised I can even walk...?? I am not heavy so the intoxicants arr not too diluted in my blood, I am 11stone or 70kg to you maybe and 22 years old.
Please do not worry, I am literally okay, not incapacitated or a zombie I am not asking for people to worry for me here, I was contemplating how my life has dramatically changed due to valium in a positive way and buddhism did also, but clearly in very different and more profound way. The valium is a quick solution and I know i cannot carry on, but I do not wisj to stop or get a tolerance.
In your experience, what is happening to my body, my brain? If I am so say meant to be a mess and stumbling around like a zombie and I am not, then why... They are not duds either because I often wake up with phone numbers or emails addys who I have no clue they belong lol.
Anyway, thanks a lot for your input, here from you soon
I have reached the limit of my experience with this and can only stick with my previous advice. Again, my quick Google search shows that the usual maximum daily dose of Valium is 40 mg, and that's without the alcohol and lorazepam. I have never seen healthy mixtures like this in all my years of nursing, and I did some psychiatric nursing in my time that had to do with high doses of medications.
For now, I am going to back off, and stick with my disclaimer that I am just a guy on an internet forum, but my previous advice stands. This bothers me a lot and I am concerned for you based on my previous experience, and that's all I can base it on.
Be well. I hope things get better for you. This bothers me a lot and that's really all I have to offer.
I understand that you wanted to say your bit and then leave it at that, that's fine. I just have ALWAYS had high tolerances to intoxicants, I don't know why as my body mass is not so large. When I was more foolish than I am now in my teen years, I could take ecstasy as if it was candy, wake up feeling fine, I can drink and drink alcohol, wake up with no hangover... I don't know, but at the ed of the day this is not a long term solution, I am not so stupid to think so, I am just in the moment now doing what I am doing.
I also posted this thread about jealousy. Since finding the dharma it has helped vastly, I am more selfless, take things in a more rational way (most of the time, this specific period is a major exception) but I do sometimes feel jealous in certain situations. Say for example if I have a girlfriend and they are exchanging certain glances I will become jealous lol
PLEASE do not "go buy some clonazepam" and start taking it. Diazepam, lorazepam, and clonazepam are all the same type of drug, and mixing them can be LETHAL. I mean that in all seriousness. I have seen people die from taking that exact combination. Just because you think you have a "high tolerance" for something does not mean you're immune from lethal effects. If you simply stop breathing, you won't be able to do anything for yourself.
There are lots of other choices out there that don't have the potentially lethal effects of this class of drugs. Buspar (buspirone) is one that works well for many people.
Please, please, please go see someone totally unrelated to whomever it was the prescribed this for you and just get the second opinion. You have nothing to lose by doing so, and everything to gain (your life). I would hate to think of anything happening to you in your current circumstances. Far from making you think more clearly, these drugs are clouding your judgement - especially in the kind of dose you're talking about.
Tom, please tell us you'll at least go talk to someone different, okay? Do it for us if not for yourself. Please!
I have taken pharms before, (benzos) wayyyy back when I had a very bad influence as a friend, his dad was a doctor and he could persuade him to get him 90 tenMG valium, 90 clonazepam and 90 lorazepam monthly and sometimes other things, He gave me some sometimes but over 3 months got into a serious serious mess. He use to wake up, take 80 mg of valium, 10 of lorazepam, i dunno how much clonazepam and that was his breakfast. That went on for nearly half a year, he went to rehab, kin of sorted himself out and now I have lost touch with him.
Anyway, I can hold convos and everything else, my social life, my general life has improved but for how loong!? lol. it is inevitable that things will change but I don't care at the moment. I still hold my buddhist concepts and try to follow the 8 fold path, just I am high on benzos all the time.
I am aware of the dangers of benzos, I mysekf have had friends who have been in trouble and one hat diedm I have heard stories and all of the rest, but owel, if something happens it does... I am too content to care for much right now apart from being compassionate, loving, happy and getting on with my life.
I could not find any clonazepam to my dismay, they wont sell it over the counter in thailand, you can uy valium, xanax lorzepam all over the counter easy, but not clonazepam.
I haven't really read back this post so I have no clue how coherent it is or whatever, but I said what I needed to say maybe..
Ah yes, I don't want to build a tolerance, I also have no travel insurance so i cannot seek medical help here with as much money as I have so I shall carry on this road.
Thanks again people, take care all sangha, peace to all
Then when you go off its difficult.
You 'think' you're doing fine because you are on such a high does of this drug. You MUST seek medical advice and stop this ridiculous delusion that you're doing ok because you can talk and type. That is irrelevant. You are taking a dangerous dose of drugs daily and you may be doing long term damage to your brain and your nervous system. If that simple piece of information isn't enough to get you to go see a Doctor then for your sake I hope there is someone nearby who can section you. You are a serious danger to your own health.
Tom, I'm trying to be cruel to be kind here mate. Get to a proper doctor. Now.
The message has got home, it is unskillful, it is 'dangerous' to my nervous system and basically a bad idea. > i am not ignorant, I just do not care too much at the moment. You may or may have not known of my problems over the past 9 years or so, everyone has them yes, but right now certain problems tormented me, the dharma could not help as much as I tried, I am weak minded.
I am decreasing my dosage to around 60 Mg a day for some days, then taper it doown. Again, I am not ignorant to seizures and withdraw, but I m too much of a coward to go and see a doctor. I will be okay, well no, I think I need some form of counseling and or major dharma time.
Thank you for being blunt, thank you for everyone's medical and non-medical advice, if anybody else wants to make an input, go right ahead, Tom
The message has got home, it is unskillful, it is 'dangerous' to my nervous system and basically a bad idea. > i am not ignorant, I just do not care too much at the moment. You may or may have not known of my problems over the past 9 years or so, everyone has them yes, but right now certain problems tormented me, the dharma could not help as much as I tried, I am weak minded.
I am decreasing my dosage to around 60 Mg a day for some days, then taper it doown. Again, I am not ignorant to seizures and withdraw, but I m too much of a coward to go and see a doctor. I will be okay, well no, I think I need some form of counseling and or major dharma time.
Thank you for being blunt, thank you for everyone's medical and non-medical advice, if anybody else wants to make an input, go right ahead, Tom
As they say in thailand, cha cha