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Requesting advice living up to the Eightfold Path (practice)

SupertrampSupertramp
edited August 2011 in Buddhism Basics
Greetings,

I've been tormenting myself with a choice I need to make regarding a personal issue..

Last year in februari I had sex with the ex of my best friend, they had been seperated for 6 months at that time. My best friend was the one that dumped her for another girl. I know, I failed "right action" right there. I should've asked my friend first if he would mind but I hadn't forseen this happening and got caught up in the moment. I guess if I would've refused and asked my friend afterwards it would've been the skilfull thing to do. This happened during a couple of months until the summer of last year.

Ever since it happened I was wondering if I should tell my best friend that it happened or not. I try to let my choice be guided by compassion but I can't seem to find my way. I know that when I make a mistake I should take immediate steps to correct this mistake, but I'm not sure if telling my best friend will just make things worse or not. To be honest I'm not even sure if it really was a mistake, obviously it was unskilfull and I should've done what I mentioned earlier but even if I didn't I'm not sure if it was really a mistake. I guess that's the first thing I'm trying to decide. I'm not even sure if she'd knock on my door this weekend that I wouldn't do it over again.

If it was a mistake I need to take steps to correct it, so those steps are the second part of my question. I can understand that if I told him he'd feel betrayed because of his attachment to the idea that this girl was "his", I don't mean this in a bad way just in a way that I understand how the human mind can work sometimes. If he found out from somebody else I'm afraid he'll feel this "betrayal" even worse. But if I tell him I'm afraid the "relationship" I have with my friend will deteriorate. Also it might hurt him and I don't want to do that. Maybe me wanting to tell him is just to get away from my feeling of guilt towards him and since he dumped her I shouldn't even feel guilty? Or perhaps that thought is just my self trying to talk his way out of this issue and making up excuses. Is telling him this thing right action? Or is keeping it for myself right action?

I feel my perspective on this issue is blurring the right path on this issue, but I haven't been able to get rid of this confusing perspective for some time. I guess I'm having most trouble with "Right View". So I come to you, who probably also have your own perspectives but maybe the right path will become clear by reading some advice.


Thanks in advance.

Comments

  • SupertrampSupertramp
    Forgot a part and edit-time has passed. :)

    Sex is also something intimate between two people, so there's also the question if I wouldn't be betraying the trust of that girl by telling my friend.

    Bah, now I see why in the eight and ten precepts sex is discouraged. :)
  • TheswingisyellowTheswingisyellow Trying to be open to existence Samsara Veteran
    Supertramp,
    I don't see the problem. Your friend was no longer with this lady, so how is that betraying him? It sounds like your relationship with her was consensual. You indeed may be betraying her trust by telling the former boyfiend. I don't know what telling him would achieve. Do you tell him about all your relationships? If not let it be. There is nothing wrong with sex. I would question your idea of right and wrong action. It would be wrong action if you had sex with her while she was still in her former relationship or you were in a relationship with someone else and were cheating on them. Your friend has no claim to her and you both have your free will.
    All the best,
    Todd
  • vixthenomadvixthenomad
    This is a difficult situation that I've been in myself (or as near as), and I don't know what the right answer is. In my case I got myself all worked up before I finally 'confessed' due to feeling morally compelled, and, as it turns out, it was fine. No-one cared half as much as I did. Obviously I don't know the people involved in this one, so I can't say whether it would work out the same for you.

    You have made a good first step - regretting the action - and the next thing to do is to learn from the experience. If something feels wrong, it probably is, so all the best in making the right choice next time.

    Vix
    x

  • zenffzenff Veteran

    What’s the problem?
    Having sex with your best friends ex is not breaking any moral rule that I know off.
    You can talk about it or not; that’s a matter of good taste not morality.
  • SupertrampSupertramp
    For those questioning the problem: I think the only problem is my fear that if he finds out from somebody else he'll feel betrayed because in some way he's still attached to the idea of this girl being "his", eventhough they broke up a while before it happened. However I do see your viewpoint as I kind of share it aswell in all my doubts. :)

    vix: Somehow I also think that no-one cares half as much as I do, because eventhough he's not into buddhism, he's a pretty selfless person. Which kind of contradicts my fear that he'll still think of this girl as "his". :)

    zenff: Would you say it's good taste then to speak about it to my friend? Or good taste to stop making a big deal out of nothing.

    Thanks for your input.
  • zenffzenff Veteran

    zenff: Would you say it's good taste then to speak about it to my friend? Or good taste to stop making a big deal out of nothing.
    I say both. Talk about it and stop making a big deal out of it.
    A friend is a friend.
    Trust him.
    (just my guess; no guarantees)
  • DhammaDhatuDhammaDhatu Veteran
    edited August 2011
    Your friend dumped the girl. He can't keep his cake & eat it too

    However, obviously, it may be wise to avoid such situations because they may impinge upon your friendship because your friend, if he is stupid, unreasonable & narcissistic, may feel you betrayed him

    He has no right to feel this way but he may

    Personally, I would be questioning why his ex was compelled to sleep with you?

    Why was she attracted to you?

    Was she attracted to you due to sexual attraction?

    Or was she attracted to you due to her suffering due to her break-up with your friend?

    Regards DD :confused:
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited August 2011
    According to the 'man rules I learned she is fair game. I wouldn't if it were a best friend or a brother however.

    DDs last statement is astute.

    Also you might end up in a love triangle if they get back together which is a major reason to pass it up!
  • CinorjerCinorjer Veteran
    OK, to Supertramp and the other posters here, let's consider the situation here, the question and responses, and see if we are making a huge mistake in our thinking.

    A man has sex with a woman. Now he wonders if he should tell a friend who used to be the woman's lover. He feels guilty. The responses are mainly, well the ex-lover had already dropped the woman, so she doesn't belong to him now and is fair game. Is this accurate?

    What very big mistake is being made here? We're treating the woman like an object or thing with no say in the matter. We're not considering her feelings and rights at all.

    For Buddha's sake, Supertramp, you had sex with a woman, not a vagina! Don't you think she should have a say in whether or not a maybe-jealous ex lover gets told about a very intimate act she performed that is normally nobody's business but her and who she chooses to share her bed with? After all, men often think of women as objects, and knowing his ex had sex with someone might kick off jealous anger, if he is having problems letting go. You're worried about betraying your friend when you should be worried about betraying her.

    I suspect if you do talk to the woman, she will say it's no longer her ex-lover's business and she would be hurt that you'd even consider it. And she'd be right. Not because she doesn't "belong to" the ex any more, but because you and her shared a private, intimate moment and it should stay that way.

  • CinorjerCinorjer Veteran
    edited August 2011
    By the way, I did notice you mentioned betraying her trust in passing as one of the complications of the dilemma. But that should have been your first and only concern and enough to settle the question.

    Gentlemen do not tell. Call me old fashioned, but I live by that rule.
  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    It is often difficult to be clear about our motivation/s .... living with the feelings needs to be considered before the act, by this I mean maybe the consequence is now having to live with it, having failed to consider that you do not now how you will feel about sleeping with a friend's ex partner until after and then you have already done it. I agree with Cinorjer - there is a duty of care to the woman which needs to be maintained despite how you now feel in regard to your friend.
  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    According to the 'man rules I learned she is fair game. I wouldn't if it were a best friend or a brother however.

    DDs last statement is astute.

    Also you might end up in a love triangle if they get back together which is a major reason to pass it up!
    My perspective differs from this greatly - not sure why DD would say that the woman involved was necessarily compelled to act as she did. Not all woman, anymore than all men, only choose to have a once off sexual experience due to emotional reasons. In any event, my previous comment stands - however the woman involved feels about it now. She also has the same duty of care towards Supertramp, in my way of thinking.
  • SupertrampSupertramp
    edited August 2011
    I've considered what DD said when it happened and afterwards, but since I can't read minds I can only rely on my insight of people and I don't think she did it out of spite or anything. Nor do I think it was because she was still suffering because of the break-up because it was half a year after the break-up. You can never be sure though but in cases where I am left to wonder I usually tend to pick the thing where I don't lose faith in humanity. As of them getting back together, I don't really see it happening but here too one can never be sure. :)

    What Cinorjer said is indeed the main point to not telling him. However I keep getting stuck with a feeling "I need to choose between damaging the trust of this girl or damaging the trust of my best friend". Perhaps this is a choice nobody is asking me to make. I don't think he'll be jealous though, maybe just a bit hurt that I didn't have the sense to refuse her at that time. Losing a bit of faith in me. So I don't really think it is the only concern, I agree that it's a huge part of it though.
    I also think she might not be hurt as much by me telling because she has told most of her friends about it. I don't mean this in a two-wrongs-make-a-right kind of way but just trying to see through her perspective how she would take it if she found out.

    As far as the "gentlemen don't tell" I agree to it, which is why I wouldn't even consider telling anybody except my best friend. Somehow I still feel that it relates to him aswell and that keeping it from him would break his trust.

    Perhaps andyrobyn is right, that I just have to live with the consequences. I wouldn't have a problem with that but since I want to make my choice lead by compassion for others I can't help it but involve the feelings of others in my decision.

    If I seem inclined towards one way it's only because I'm offering counter-points to consider since I agree to just about everything that's been said here (both sides actually, heh). I'm not rejecting any advice in any way, just to be clear about that. Thanks for your inputs. :)



  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    Oh, what tangled webs we weave :)
  • SupertrampSupertramp
    And all because of desire and the self. I know, you can call me captain hindsight on that point. :)
  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    Perhaps andyrobyn is right, that I just have to live with the consequences. I wouldn't have a problem with that but since I want to make my choice lead by compassion for others I can't help it but involve the feelings of others in my decision.

    If I seem inclined towards one way it's only because I'm offering counter-points to consider since I agree to just about everything that's been said here (both sides actually, heh). I'm not rejecting any advice in any way, just to be clear about that. Thanks for your inputs. :)



    Hi Supertramp, you certainly have shown that you are very concerned with the feelings of the others involved in the situation. My point was that the time to consider the feelings of your friend about the issue, to consider the motivation and emotional state of his ex and if you would want to tell want him about your intimate moments with her has now passed - hindsight is a whole lot more often 20: 20 than when we are presented with an opportunity, in my experience - especially ones motivated by desire. Have you spoken with her about it?

  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    This is a difficult situation that I've been in myself (or as near as), and I don't know what the right answer is. In my case I got myself all worked up before I finally 'confessed' due to feeling morally compelled, and, as it turns out, it was fine. No-one cared half as much as I did. Obviously I don't know the people involved in this one, so I can't say whether it would work out the same for you.

    You have made a good first step - regretting the action - and the next thing to do is to learn from the experience. If something feels wrong, it probably is, so all the best in making the right choice next time.

    Vix
    x

    Reading your post, my thoughts are, being blunt, is it morally compelled or guilty that you feel ? No judgement on a moral ground, sex is often just sex for both the individuals involved, yet after the long term effects on others becomes more real.

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