Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
I'm so attached to my looks.... seriously
How I look determines my mood pretty much.
When I look in the mirror and I feel ugly, I get into a gloomy mood. There won't be much that could change the way I feel for the better.
If I look decent in the mirror, I feel happy and move on with my day.
My friend used to say his mood depends on the amount of acne on his face. He said he would wake up and look how much acne there was on his face and it would determine his mood for that day.
We all do care about our looks to a degree for different reasons.
I'm pretty obsessed about it due to some insecurities and future plans.
What would be a buddhist approach to this kind of situation?
When I look in the mirror and I feel ugly, I get into a gloomy mood. There won't be much that could change the way I feel for the better.
If I look decent in the mirror, I feel happy and move on with my day.
My friend used to say his mood depends on the amount of acne on his face. He said he would wake up and look how much acne there was on his face and it would determine his mood for that day.
We all do care about our looks to a degree for different reasons.
I'm pretty obsessed about it due to some insecurities and future plans.
What would be a buddhist approach to this kind of situation?
0
Comments
You could also meditate on the transience of good looks.
Does it help? Why are you guys doing this? Am i asking too many questions?!?!?! lol
What would be a buddhist approach to this kind of situation?"
@pain: Buddhist approach to this kind of situation is to see as the things are.
You are already doing it - you are seeing the truth as it is.
No need to do anything more. Just enjoy what you are doing. Feeling guilty about the truth of the matter would be repugnant to Buddhism.
I do this because I have insecurities about my looks as well-- I think most if not all people do. I see it as a very basic issue that doesn't really require a lot of analysis. Thich Nhat Hanh says we should "water the good seeds within us" and cease to water the bad. Staring into the mirror waters bad seeds in me-- seeds of insecurity, vanity, egotism. However, I see the action of avoiding mirrors as a basically neutral action (as opposed to a directly beneficial action) that makes it easier then to find something to help me to water the good seeds of compassion, kindness, wisdom, etc.
How long have you been doing this? What changes has it brought internally and externally?
In western culture, we are taught that we need to achieve a certain level of physical perfection, to the exclusion of many other things. The fullness of life is untouchable when one is focused on oneself, particularly this meaningless physical facade we show to the world.
I am at a place in my life in which contemplation and compassion are more important to me than physical perfection. This coincides with changes in the brain that occur in the early 20's. I am under the impression that you are in your teens, so let me know if I'm wrong. At any rate, if you are a teenager, you're bound to be overtly aware of your looks-- that's just the nature of adolescence. Just try to avoid scrutinizing yourself in the mirror, and don't strive for any particular outcome of this experiment.
Good luck!
I have tried personally to sto obsessing over my looks and understand their is no permanent self, which has helped slightly, compassion as you stated does start to show it's effectivness on you and those around you. But I am sad to say, the way the world is going, more greed will arise, more ideologies and more suffering.
On a relationship side, if that's your intent, a partner with an open heart and awake view will see you as you, total picture. Letting go of the self critical thoughts and cultivating an authentic confidence is much better time spent. Consider saying to the critical thoughts "There is no way that you could know what other people see." See how the critical thoughts are only a baggage, without purpose, and only have a momentum to their arising.
Your "looks" will fade as you grow older anyway, so its better to spend your time working on qualities that are important for the liberation of your mind and the minds of others. Said differently, no matter what your face and body look like, the qualities that are important to cultivate are at your fingertips, in the other mirror.
So the point is aim to look your best when you feel like it, but it doesn't have to be all the time. When you look better you'll feel better. So moderate it and do so accordingly.
Attached you find "Teaching Dhamma by Pitures" by Ven Buddhadasa, which has a some explainings to bodily attachments.
Maybe Buddhists are usually also deeply attached to their body... *smile* maybe it a general "...ist" problem.
This is why body-builders, athletes, and people who dedicate their entire lives to being the epitome of fit and sexiness don't make any sense to me. -shrug- Oh well. Different strokes for different folks.
I guess the intention is important and to reflect about it.
i like what prettyhowtown said about trying to see the positive instead of focusing on the negative. i also like what aMatt asked about whether you're spending time wondering what others think of you. i think these are the best answers here. when you look in the mirror, don't go instantly to what you view as an imperfection and also remember, other people aren't as concerned with you as you are concerned with yourself.
as for me, i make more money at my job when i look "pretty" i struggle with this because i wish i could be recognized for just my skills(sometimes i am), not a pretty face. i guess i'm sort of in the middle as far as effort. i wish it wasn't true, but i'm not going to wear skirts and shorts like some coworkers to show off my legs, i just wear my uniform with normal jeans and chucks. i wish that attraction wasn't such an important aspect of my job, but i cannot deny that i enjoy the fruits of it as well. but as a result of what i would say is 'negative' attention because of it, every once and a while i get disgusted and dress down, lol. being attractive isn't always all it's cracked up to be. you can get your foot in the door with it, but then once you're there, they don't take you seriously. or maybe i should say, you just find they had ulterior motives. this pretty much sums up my experience anyways.
@pain can i ask what your future plans are that you reference in your post?
* not harming one self (like Tikal2012 said already - pleasure is subtitle or later upcoming suffering)
* not harming others
If we can take care of both we are perfect. Its good to start to walk with one feet. Here two stories which might help to one missing but important part:
Stealing Beauty
There was a beautiful princess from the Wei dynasty who liked to dress up fancy. She had an embroidered gown with feather on it. The sparkling shine made her look like a fairy. One day, the king saw her in this dress and spoke to her in a serious tone: “Take off this gown right now and never wear anything with a feather.” The princess laughed and replied: “How many feathers do we need for a dress?” The king said: “You are the princess of the country. I am afraid that the royal families will all take after your example. Even more, the common people will do the same as well. The merchants will do anything they can to catch birds for the feathers as long as there is money to be made. If so, the countless lives would be taken because of you. The sin would be unimaginable.
Treasure Life
Escape from a mundane place.
Look down on killing even more.
Make a shirt from the fibers of lotus.
The soft feeling on my skin is the same.
Free the silkworms and free my sin.
Pity them because each of them is a living being.
from Protection for Living beings - Feng Zi Kai in honor of the arts of Master Hong Yi
Step 2: Wait until he gets a girlfriend.
Step 3: Befriend the girlfriend.
Step 4: Become extremely good friends with the girlfriend (flirt and such).
Step 5: Wait for the girlfriend to get fed up with the jerk boyfriend.
Step 6: Go in for the kill.
Possible step 7: Repeat steps 1-7 if the girl turns out to not be 'the one.'
My husband tells me I look and am beautiful.
He also tells me that he likes growing old with me, because even if I become a wizened old crone, my temperament is as beautiful as ever, and more so with each passing day.
Looks, fade.
Character blossoms.
The truth is, you are going to grow old and ugly.. and then you will DIE. You'll be dead, and your body will begin its downward spiral of decaying ugliness, until it is no more to be seen.
So, as somebody mentioned above, why care about something that is bound to become uglier and uglier and then cease to exist? If you care about your looks, you will be chasing them, and chasing them, as you get older and as your body changes. It is an endless cycle. You will find yourself dreading over your 'ugliness' every day.
Although this is true, it is still difficult for not only you, but myself, and practically everyone, to some degree. So we have to somehow not care.. and that is the difficult part. You and I have been conditioned within our society. We have been programmed.. brainwashed.. our minds have become deluded by the ignorance of the people and things before us and all around us. You have become under the illusion that your physical appearance has to be a certain way. You believe that there is some inherent beauty, and although there are trends of style and beauty.. beauty is not inherent within anything. It is a matter of once own perception.
So what I am saying is that you are dressing up and altering your appearance, according to what everyone else wants. As their opinion changes on beauty and 'coolness', so does your style or way of dressing, being, talking, walking, and the list can go on.
We literally ACT so much in the name of others. However, it isn't FOR others, it is ultimately for yourself, as you are looking for ACCEPTANCE and positive responses.
Your looks are impermanent and fleeting.. and always remember when you care about anything too much...
You are going to DIE. Fall over, dead.
You appearance is so fragile. You could get in a car accident and your face could be melted together and you may look terrifying for the rest of your life. Then, at that point, you would realize how impermanent your physical appearance is and how it ultimately does not matter. How it does not decide anything for your life, unless YOU allow it to decide your life. It only matters to the ignorant, because only the ignorant would judge YOU for your BODY.
So what are you looking for? Ask yourself why you truly care about your looks. What changes when you appear to someone looking 'ugly'? Do they dislike you? If so, then poop on them! YOU are a beautiful person. YOU are profound and wise and have the potential to do anything! Your precious eyes and nose and chin and arms and legs and chest and feet. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and SO SO fortunate to have a functioning, breathing body. So your practice to overcome this would be to examine your bodies TRUE nature. How it is always beautiful. How beauty is a matter of ONES own perception. How it isn't a deciding factor in anything. Meditate on its impermanence and just DO NOT CARE. Go even a day, or maybe a week without caring. No makeup, no jewelry, just alllll naatuuraalll.
YOU are beautiful, always.
Maybe its good to see the beauty like this, knowing that we are ugly and subject to decay is a good "waste gate" if things growing worse.
See it like:
The Broken Glass
You may say, "Don't break my glass!" But you can't prevent something breakable from breaking. If it doesn't break now, it'll break later on. If you don't break it, someone else will. If someone else doesn't break it, one of the chickens will! The Buddha says to accept this. He penetrated all the way to seeing that this glass is already broken. This glass that isn't broken, he has us know as already broken. Whenever you pick up the glass, put water in it, drink from it, and put it down, he tells you to see that it's already broken. Understand? The Buddha's understanding was like this. He saw the broken glass in the unbroken one. Whenever its conditions run out, it'll break. Develop this attitude. Use the glass; look after it. Then one day it slips out of your hand: "Smash!" No problem. Why no problem? Because you saw it as broken before it broke. See?
But usually people say, "I've taken such good care of this glass. Don't ever let it break." Later on the dog breaks it, and you hate the dog. If your child breaks it, you hate him, too. You hate whoever breaks it — because you've dammed yourself up so that the water can't flow. You've made a dam without a spillway. The only thing the dam can do is burst, right? When you make a dam, you have to make a spillway, too. When the water rises up to a certain level, it can flow off safely to the side. When it's full to the brim, it can flow out the spillway. You need to have a spillway like this. Seeing inconstancy is the Buddha's spillway. When you see things this way, you can be at peace. That's the practice of the Dhamma.
"In Simple Terms: 108 Dhamma Similes", by Ajahn Chah, translated from the Thai by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. Access to Insight, 4 April 2011, http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/thai/chah/insimpleterms.html . Retrieved on 19 October 2011.
I tried to not to look at myself in the mirror too much. I think it did me good. I wasn't as obsessed about how I looked, although I kept hearing that nagging voice about how I'm not attractive and so on.
Everyday is a battle, it seems.
Every day is a refreshing challenge to the attachments and old ideas we cling to.
I have developed the habit of asking myself "is this thought I'm having helpful or harmful?" If it's anything but helpful, I tell myself to "please be quiet" and move on to something else.
The idea of looking all the time into the mirror is for sure a very safe way. All times means also when we are angry, hurt, sad, crazy, confused, ugly...
But just look into it, no need to want it to change, it disappears by it self in the same way it arises. *smile*
So don't see it as an expression that should be a advertising, but just like a mantra (or reminder) for my self *smile*
So while I write "*smile*" I have plenty of time to reflect on my emotions and if they are connected with the right intention. So just think: :screwy:
Its good to just observe what arises and how it also disappears again, if we just observe it. Like the body or aggravate, all comes and goes.