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The Fourth Precept
Bunks
Australia Veteran
So do I break the fourth precept and carry on the lie of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy to my kids (they are both too young to have had to deal with this yet)? I am buddhist and she is an athiest so we don't celebrate any of the christian holidays (catch up for a meal with my family most Christmas days but not all these days).
Both my wife and I aren't comfortable doing it but feel social pressure to do so.
Any thoughts / comments welcome.
Both my wife and I aren't comfortable doing it but feel social pressure to do so.
Any thoughts / comments welcome.
0
Comments
:scratch:
Perhaps I should explain that I still intend giving my kids chocolate at Easter and presents at Xmas, I just don't know that I am going to say they're from a bunny and a fat man in a suit!
When I finally realized it was all a hoax, I felt deceived for no good reason.
Imho children are best off with the truth. They must be taught to be critical, logical thinkers and not swayed by fairy tales
also we should not feel that because we are "buddhists" we have to "buddhaize" every holiday or western tradition. Let it be
I'm not sure it is a 'lie' as such - it seems more like not challenging a certain view of reality that we all shared at one point in our life - that innocence is ignorance sure but it's limited to that particular stage of life and as such I think it should be nurtured - I can't see a benefit in shattering the illusion as it will cease of its own accord soon enough.
There was a time when my friend's little brother would be placed in a large(ish) cardboard box (with all kinds of gadgets drawn and collaged inside), lifted in the air a little and swirled around a while with the lid shut ... to him it was just the 'time machine' doing its thing... he would emerge bright eyed ready to explore the alternative universe where everyone looked the same but there were differences to spot... the green cup on the table was now a red one - channel 2 on the tv was now channel 4 - everyone's names were pronounced backwards... run, laugh, explore!
He personally thanked me years later saying that at the time he believed that it was an actual time machine and that he absolutely loved every moment of it.
Sometimes, some illusions are right in their time - shattering them only brings forward a new illusion before its time.
As for myself, I don't have any kids, but my mom did the whole Santa Claus thing. We lived in an apartment building where she also worked at the front desk, and sometimes she'd leave a present at our door, knock, and then run away. And on the big day, she'd wait until I fell asleep to hurriedly bring in the presents. Sometimes she'd have someone dress up as Santa, too. I figured it out pretty quickly, though, and would often just pretend to be sleeping, but didn't say anything because she went to so much trouble and I didn't want to disappoint her.
What I didn't know was that doing all of this was such a big pain in the ass, and she was just as happy to be able to give me all the gifts without all the sneaking around and ho-ho-hoing. I'm sure it was fun at first, but it gets kind of old, I guess.
But, I think you should recognize that with some childhood fables, there are moral stories connected to them. Not all. I don't know any moral story connected to the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. But there is a moral story connected to Santa Claus...even though he's fiction. There's also a social aspect to it...dependent on the culture, of course. But being the odd one out, who doesn't believe in Santa Claus while in kindergarten may cause some identity problems. And I think that in terms of child development, there's actually a function where a child begins to differentiate between fact and fiction, as opposed to an adult just telling them something is true or false.
Are you going to teach a child only fact? What about fiction books? Movies? Games? Childhood heroes? Are you going to teach your child only the factual aspects of Buddhism...a religion whose traditions are told through stories? And, as we've explored on this forum, quite a few Buddhist concepts are not proven to be factual...yet...karma, rebirth, etc.
Part of this fiction of childhood is also very much about socialization. As an educator for 33 years, I cannot say that the children I knew who grew up with "just the facts, ma'am" were necessarily the most well-adjusted teenagers. And while I can't make a blanket statement about it, a lot of them that were brought up that way weren't very much fun. Often overly geeky. A little bit shunned. Perhaps because all the way up through school they were always on a different socialization track...slightly set apart.
Just a few thoughts.
Be creative without telling lies. Maybe you can do some kind of "Buddha-mas" where you decorate a fake bonsai tree, make little buddha cookies, and get a book to read to the kids...theres lots of "buddhism for kids" books out there. Maybe get some mandala coloring books or something to that effect.
If you feel you are lying, then that is a problem and perhaps you shouldn't do it. You can give gifts and enjoy them without participating in Santa, However, do other parents a favor when your kids do ask about Santa, and don't explain it as a lie and fairy tale or they are going to upset their friends at daycare/preschool/school unnecessarily. Just like you may not light a Mennorah, Santa is a tradition you do not participate in because it is not part of your belief system. If you are participating in other areas of Christmas without being Christians, that is easy enough to explain as Yule/Solstice traditions, because most of them stem from those traditions anyhow.
Your kids are still young. The societal pressure to do what everyone else does only gets bigger, and worse, as they get older. If you give into that now, what are you going to do when the issues get bigger and more difficult? Stick to what you believe and what you feel when you raise your kids. They will be stronger people for having parents who stick to their conventions and walk the walk, no matter what it is.
I think if people want to do the whole Santa Claus things, that's cool. And if they don't, that's cool, too. I don't think it's so much about only teaching facts as it is about making distinctions. When I was a kid, for example, I was taught the difference between fiction and non-fiction; and even though I knew what fiction meant, it don't stop my imagination from taking on a life of its own when I read books like the Hobbit, or stop me from believing in things that others considered fictitious (e.g., reading spiritual literature, myths, etc.). I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that life is full of wonder and mystery, and I don't think that'd change for someone who wasn't brought up believing in Santa Claus.
It is just a way to celebrate a season, just like the Easter Bunny is a celebration of the coming of spring (though for us it's usually still winter, lol). We never attached any meaning or lesson behind any of the things. Just fun tradition for both the kids and us. Santa never labels presents at our house. He does riddles or treasure hunts to make the kids find their presents or figure out which belongs to who. 2 years ago my teenagers present was up in a tree in our yard, they had to follow looong pieces of yard through the house and yards (my grandmas hard too) to find their present. They enjoy those kinds of things, lol. We read "the night before Christmas" and "the Grinch" and that's as much as we take it. We don't write letters or emails to Santa or attach Santa gifts as some random reward for yearlong behavior. Nor do we use it as leverage to get them to behave.
Also, Santa has some attachment to our family lore, as my great great grandfather was a reindeer herder in Lappland, and the story goes that he provided Santa's reindeer.
I grew up with two older brothers and parents that didn't lie to me (as far as I am aware anyway). I don't remember believing in any of this stuff but I also don't remember being told it wasn't true. One of my brothers would have told me at a very young age though I'm sure (they weren't the sort to spare my feelings!) Waking up and getting presents from my parents on Xmas Day was still really exciting! My wife is in the same boat i.e. she can't remember believing in or getting presents from Santa. I guess that's why we are struggling with this...
I really don't like the "naughty or nice" thing attached to Xmas either. I think it's horrible! A girl I know gave her daughter a potato for Xmas (apparently this is what Santa gives a kid who has been naughty) and the kid went completely mental......the mum learned a valuable lesson and didn't attach any kind of reward system to Xmas from then on.
We had a teacher at one time who was very anti-Christmas toward anyone who said "Merry Christmas", or gave her a Christmas card, or gave her a gift. People got very tired of it, so one Christmas came around and there was a behind-the-scenes movement not to wish her a Merry Christmas , not to send her a card, and not to invite her to the Christmas party (which was in another teacher's home). So after the holidays, she ripped into people about being left out.
We had another teacher who ranted and raved against Christmas...but was more than happy to accept gifts from other staff members of students.
Is you in, or is you out?
Speaking from my own memories, I recall being perfectly capable of lying as soon as I had a language to lie with - children often lie in very unconvincing ways
Personally I would prefer to point out lies to my children, explaining them how to discern truth from fantasy and fact from false, rather than letting them figure it out randomly as they grow. My ideology is, that by teaching them all their life, their intellect is challenged as early as possible and thus grows faster..
I don't have children by the way
My teenager is a good example because he is a rule follower to the T. He does not tolerate rule breaking, lying, or anything else he considers immoral because of his autism. If he catches me even in a lie that was unintentional because I stated something wrongly, he will call me on it immediately and be highly offended over it. He is not offended over Santa, nor does he feel lied to. I talked to him about it the other day. He shrugged and said "It's something fun for little kids to get them excited about Christmas. It has a good story, it has good feelings, and it's fun. I still enjoy it, even though I know it's not true. But I also know the spirit of Santa lives in kids parents and that's what makes it not a lie." I think he explains it better than I could, lol. Which is why I said before if the parents participate while they believe it to be a lie, that is far more harmful that parents who participate out the the spirit of it and not out of deceit.
I am not going to make a big deal about it eg. a mate told me yesterday he tells his 4 year old son that Santa's elves are watching him to ensure he behaves which is kinda weird in my book.
Thanks for all your feedback on this and Merry Xmas.
http://www.noradsanta.org/