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Sexual misconduct and friendship: How to say "no"?
What should I possibly do?I hate letting people down. At the moment I have to tell two of my friends that their interest in me means that I can't be friends with them any more. Also I am completely frustrated at their lack of clue and the fact that I have to reach this point!
One of them I take full responsibility for. I brought it all on myself. I flirted and I shouldn't have.
The other one just takes my kindness as interest. And I have been taking advantage of that by letting him do things for me, give or lend me things, etc.
Now obviously there's a pattern here - first of all I need to change my own behaviour towards men.
Boys think I am pretty and apparently there's a cute tradition that this is caused by being compassionate in previous lives - I'm trying to see it as a positive challenge to be even more compassionate and influential in this one.
I also need to be much more firm and direct - how do you go about challenging boys who appear to have a crush or even worse what can you say if they admit it and will continue to hold out hope of something more?
Finally - is there a kind way to let them down and cut off contact with them?
And for bonus points - the reason these two are so keen is that I am the only one who puts up with their "eccentricities" - or poor self-insight and social skills. I guess I find it honest and endearing that they are so clueless. Is there a way to continue nurturing these kinds of person without just encouraging them to get entirely the wrong idea?
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Comments
First of all, I would surmise that you are quite young... you talk about 'boys' as opposed to 'men', or 'guys'.... secondly, you use the term 'crush' which is actually something the young refer to, but is rarely mentioned by older people... although it does happen....
May I offer some advice from my somewhat older and "been-around-the-block-a-few-times" neck of the woods?
Don't be too serious and intense.
The guys you are mixing with have raging hormones and testosterone surges like you would not believe. So basically - guys of 'that' age look at anything in a skirt as fair play!
So it may not be that you are sending out the wrong signals (although of course, if you think your behaviour needs modifying, do that) but it could be that they're just picking up what they want to pick up.
Relationships are two-way streets. it takes common sense from both sides.
in my opinion, I would not cease friendship with them. Why cut things off so drastically?
Modify your attitude by all means. Look at the Eightfold Path, and be mindful of your motives. Don't be a user, be gracious, be friendly, but be a friend.
your solution is fairly drastic, because from where this old bird is sitting, the problem is really quite superficial.....
I don't know how old you are, but it's important not to give men the wrong messages and then complain if they show interest in you. If you just want friendship then don't flirt or flaunt your sexuality, it's quite simple. Treat them in the same way that you'd treat your girlfriends.
Being pretty and having the power to manipulate men is something that is very impermanent. Time passes, you will become old and unattractive one day. There are far more important things to focus on in your life.
Perhaps you need to seriously and honestly consider your own motivation in all of this, Jessica, are you unconsciously seeking attention and approval yourself? Rather than considering that others are 'clueless' we need first to get ourselves in order. This is why Buddhism is so helpful to us.
I hope I haven't seemed too harsh.
With kind wishes to you,
Dazzle
Dazzle, sometimes very pretty girls can interact with people in a perfectly normal way and not be "flaunting their sexuality". I was married to a very beautiful woman who struggled (and continues to do so) with this very problem; if I walk down the street and say "hello" to any woman, or call a female friend and tell her I was thinking about her because she was sick, nobody thinks anything of it. If a beautiful girl does the exact same thing with a man, somehow people construe that as flirting.
Being physically attractive is oftentimes a burden just because people see every "nice" thing they do as being "flighty" or "ditzy" or "flirty"; it always takes on a negative connotation. I sometimes think people are secretly jealous and put extra burdens on attractive women.
At any rate, Jessica;
I don't know what advice to give you except what was already said: You have to make it very clear that your feelings do not run that way towards your friends. If they can handle it, then great... but in my experience, they often can't. Once a guy crosses the "friend zone" feeling towards a woman, there's really no turning back.
You can remain friends with them but there will always be that dark secret between you; that he has unreciprocated feelings. That eventually leads to bitterness, as there are few things sadder than unrequited love.
I'm sorry for your trouble; the only thing you can do from this experience is learn.
Hi Brian,
I was a very pretty girl myself and had lots of attention from men when I was younger and also had several exceptionally pretty friends - so I do know what I'm talking about..(and Jessica did also mention about flirting herself) Whilst I greatly valued platonic relationships with men at that time, I 'd be lying if I said I was not unaware of my attractiveness to them. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I was being 'flighty' however. It is therefore important to be really truthful with oneself in these matters and take an honest look inwards.
Kind wishes,
Dazzle
I particularly appreciate Dazzle's suggestion that I'm seeking approval which is one thing I hadn't really considered in relation to my friendships. I'll be sure to work on that!
Don't you think sometimes it's really hard to do the right thing if you've got all the confusion? I'm told the tradition I'm studying at the moment has techniques for people who make all the worst decisions for all the best reasons and I'm frankly relieved! I do see my confusion as a gift in that I can see most things from multiple positions - but still it's important to overcome the difficulties and commit to a valuable course of action.
Thanks Federica and Brian for the reassurance. I know it is easy for people to get the wrong idea but that's why I really want to make a very special effort to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Palzang
Only "sometimes"....?! You're kidding, right? How about just about every minute!!
Could you clarify? Which one would that be?
The action is simply gagued against the Eightfold path, which in itself can be condensed into practical and simple Mindfulness. Being in the moment, every moment.
Whenever you are faced with a quandary, ask yourself "What would the buddha do?" and in that moment, realise something - Who else could the Buddha be?
Oh, Brian and I go back a long way. We're masters of the proverbial cock-up and veterans of the Egg-on-Face school of hard knocks!!:D
Palzang
A few points. Number one, sexual misconduct includes things like adultery, rape and sexual activity with those who are protected under law or have taken a vow of celibacy. What you're talking about it not sexual misconduct, simply a misunderstand.
Number two, there's not much you can do if your kindness toward others results in affectionate feelings. Even if you were to tell them that you're not interested in any kind of romantic relationship with them, that won't guarantee that their feelings about you will change. In fact, they may pursue you even more in order to try and win your heart.
Number three, sometimes there's no easy way to say the things that need to be said. If you say things in a "kind" way, you may not get your point across or they may not take you seriously. If you say things too bluntly, however, you run the risk of hurting others deeply. But if your current situation is becoming a real problem and you're starting to feel uncomfortable or feel that you're leading them on, you owe it to yourself and to them to distance yourself from the situation in the most compassionate and skillful way possible.
Number four, I suggest reading the Buddha's advice regarding right speech — and the factors that should go into deciding what to say and when to say it — found in MN 58.
I hope some of this is helpful.
Jason
From a Buddhist viewpoint, we never sacrifice what we regard as our own true welfare for another.
From a Buddhist viewpoint, there are true friends and false friends. Any person whose interest in you ultimately leads to your harm or you doing something against your will is not a true friend.
The reality is Jessica they do not have a clue but most of all, you also did not have a clue. However, you now starting to have a clue. That is nice to hear. You are following your inner wisdom rather than the expectations of others.
Your attitude above is excellent. From a Buddhist perspective, we never blame others for our problems. We look for the cause within our self.
Good girl. Flirting is natural. In nature movies, we can see female animals starting to flirt and the male animals go wild. This is reproductive instinct.
However, human beings are more than mere animals. It is important you develop an awareness about how flirting affects childish men. It is like offering candy to a baby. How do expect a baby to have self-control? Whilst flirting is natural, it is also an abuse of power.
In reality, a good man who seeks a woman seeks a women with a good mind. A good man will have no interest in the most beautiful woman in the world if she has a crazy mind.
Why are the most famous beautiful movie stars getting divorced continually? The reason is a crazy mind.
The Buddha taught an ideal woman has three powers or qualities: (1) beauty; (2) education/money; and (3) values or character. The Buddha said however if a woman does not have beauty or money, if she has a good character or personality, she will still be attractive to men and their families.
The greatest power a woman has is to question the character of a man and improve it. You should try it some time. Instead of flirting with your boobs and your skirt, try flirting with your mind & values. When a man behaves in a manner you think is not attractive, try to improve him. This is compassion.
However, be shrewd and subtle rather than like a fire breathing dragon. Be flirty. Play (but with seriousness). Try to 'flirt' with compassion rather than sex.
Many men are stupid in this world because of silent weak women. When you have an expectation towards a man or even a curiosity, you need to be honest about it. Further, men need to hear it.
Every stupid man is waiting for a wise women to straighten him out.
Sadly, the facts of life are it starts with women. Natural wisdom is found in women and not in men. Men can only become wise after they have been give the spark of wisdom from a woman.
So instead of hiding your true hopes and dreams within, express them outwardly, honestly.
You need to examine closely your intention here. There is nothing wrong with friendship. You are a women. By nature, you have the power to get men to do things for you. If what is happening is not harming the guy or leading him on then it is fine.
For example, there is nothing wrong with this man being generous towards you. I am generous towards women all the time. However, my generosity does not harm them or myself.
Doing things for others can only benefit oneself. However, sex does not fall into the realm of generosity.
Buddha taught there are three kinds of generosity: (1) material gifts and helpful acts; (2) harmlessness; and (3) Dhamma. If sexuality is expressed in the wrong way, it can harm oneself and others.
Indeed. You need to follow your own growing insight and maturity.
Sex does not fall into the realm of compassion. Doing sexual favours for begging hungry thirsty horny boys is not compassion.
Buddha described compassion as follows: You are strongly identifying yourself with your body rather than with your mind. The boys simply want to get into your pants.
I advised you from the beginning. You must develop a conscious defined intention for your life and act in a way that fulfils your intention.
Your biggest problem is you think you are letting them down. I advised you previously, doing sexual favours for boys is not compassion.
Another problem is all of this makes you feel powerful. But this is false power rather than true power.
To simply tell them you are not interested is not "letting them down". It is doing something honest and good to them. It is straightforwardness.
There is no need to "cut them off" unless you are having some kind of sexual liason with them.
This is not compassion. To put up with a man's bad habits is not compassion. In Buddhism, compassion is the wish to end suffering. I described compassion above. Compassion improves the life of people.
As a woman, when you are in relationship, your love should be conditional rather than unconditional. Your role in nature is to improve a man.
About husband's and wives, Buddha taught a man serves his wife. Only upon being served, a wife returns her love.
It is not honest. This is some kind of maternal instinct here malfunctioning. You are treating adults as though they are 2 year old children.
Yes. I have tried to instruct you. The way is to define your goals for your life and treat other people in manner that fits into your goals.
But currently, you are following the goals others have for your life.
A boy wants a sexual favour and simply says to you: "You are so pretty" and you feel obligated.
In nature, a woman is beautiful to attract a man but most of all, to shine her beautiful face into the eyes and face of a child. When a baby is born, it does not want to look into the face of a hairy bearded man.
Whilst we all are not required to have children, beauty is for giving to children and exercising compassion. Ultimately, your beauty is a power for you to exercise to acheive your goals in life.
You have already learned this. You have one boy willing to do things for you and another boy wanting you to do things for him.
You need to control your destiny and learn to use or channel your power in the most beneficial way.
Each human being has a duty to help others. However, when others do us favours, we are only obligated to return in accordance to that favour.
For example, a boy or other person says: "You are beautiful". You are only obligated to respond: "Thank you for your beautiful words". Only words have been given and only words are required to be returned.
However, if a man demonstrates he is prepared and willing to give up his life for you, then if you choose, you can give up your life for him.
Best wishes
DDhatu