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Summer time joke thread
Vastmind
Memphis, TN Veteran
Miniature Golf:
It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids. "Who’s winning?" I asked cheerfully. "I am" said one "no, I am" said another. "No," the father said "their mother is!"
3
Comments
No offence for anyone just for fun.
Here you go folks, this is so funny.
How to suck at your religion.
theoatmeal.com/comics/religion
Kia Ora @lobster,
That joke was just purrfect... .
..
Metta Shoshin .
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THE SYNAGOGUE
A rabbi and a cantor are standing in the largely empty synagogue one day, talking mystically about how, given the awesome glory of God’s Infinite Divine Presence, they are each really “nothing.” “Yes,” says the rabbi, “I am nothing!” The cantor also affirms, looking up to the heavens, “O God, I am completely nothing!” And they go on like this for several rounds—”I am nothing… I am utterly nothing.”
Meanwhile, the synagogue’s janitor is off in the corner on his hands and knees, scrubbing the floor. Filled with piety and a fervent spirit, he has all the while been repeating in a gentle voice, “O Lord, You are everything and I am nothing… I am nothing.” The rabbi and cantor at one point listen in and, after a few moments, come to realize what he is saying. At this, the rabbi nudges the cantor and smugly says, “Look who thinks he’s nothing!”
Kia Ora,
One day, Jesus was walking by the Pearly Gates, when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.
Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach.
He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.
“How did you spend your life on earth my son?” asked Jesus.
“I was a simple carpenter for sixty years” replied the old man.
“And what do you hope to find here in heaven” asked Jesus.
“I hope to find my son” said the man
“Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?”
“I’ll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,” states the old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, “Father???”
The old man looks at Jesus and says, “Pinocchio?”
Metta Shoshin .
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Some profanity people? Just one word.
/Victor
EDIT: Sorry. Link updated...
Er....@Victorious that link opens my gmail account, thanks.....!? :scratch: .
First post in a while due to being unable to log in. It's good to be back!
Kitty alarm clock
my mom does this with one of our cats. very cute.
I'm terrible at jokes but try this one. Two Buddhists go to a hotdog stand. One says 'make me one with everything' the other says 'I want it with everything on it'. So then they both get hotdogs and it is a happy ending.
There’s this wonderful story about the first meeting between Kalu Rinpoche and Zen master Seung Sahn, one of my favourite humorous real life events, I make no apologies for posting it again:
The teachers, seventy-year-old Kalu Rinpoche of Tibet, a veteran of years of solitary retreat, and the Zen master Seung Sahn, the first Korean Zen master to teach in the United States, were to test each other's understanding of the Buddha's teachings for the benefit of the onlooking Western students. This was to be a high form of what was being called dharma combat (the clashing of great minds sharpened by years of study and meditation), and we were waiting with all the anticipation that such a historic encounter deserved. The two monks entered with swirling robes -- maroon and yellow for the Tibetan, austere grey and black for the Korean -- and were followed by retinues of younger monks and translators with shaven heads. They settled onto cushions in the familiar cross-legged positions, and the host made it clear that the younger Zen master was to begin. The Tibetan lama sat very still, fingering a wooden rosary (mala) with one hand while murmuring, "Om mani padme hum" continuously under his breath.
The Zen master, who was already gaining renown for his method of hurling questions at his students until they were forced to admit their ignorance and then bellowing, "Keep that don't know mind!" at them, reached deep inside his robes and drew out an orange. "What is this?" he demanded of the lama. "What is this?" This was a typical opening question, and we could feel him ready to pounce on whatever response he was given.
The Tibetan sat quietly fingering his mala and made no move to respond.
"What is this?" the Zen master insisted, holding the orange up to the Tibetan's nose.
Kalu Rinpoche bent very slowly to the Tibetan monk near to him who was serving as the translator, and they whispered back and forth for several minutes. Finally the translator addressed the room: "Rinpoche says, 'What is the matter with him? Don't they have oranges where he comes from?"
The dialog progressed no further.
Hopefully, they all fell about laughing and had themselves a nice cup of tea..... It would be nice to imagine they did...
.
@lobster This is really true? You were there?
Really true. I was there in cushion if not in spirit . . .
:om: .
Kia Ora,
"A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the post office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town, and I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “Awww, come on; you don’t even know the way to the post office!"
Have you ever wondered how jokes originate ?
Metta Shoshin .
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Funny programming code comments
stackoverflow.com/questions/184618/what-is-the-best-comment-in-source-code-you-have-ever-encountered
Apart from perfectly illustrating self inflicting dukkha, this LA Beast just makes me laugh, iz I crewl? Have a nice day . . .
^^^ I laughed at that too. lolololol... I've had cactus quesadillas and they don't taste like fruit! It's slimy and not sweet! I don't like cactus...even without the spikes.
How did he and the other guys clean their mouth afterwards? How do you get all the spikes out?
The guy who just runs in? Really? Random!!
They could have left that out.
I'll give him his props...he's a beast alright, hahaha. Couldn't be me.
Cactus fruits are edible, but you literally have to handle them with gloves....
I feel a bit sorry for these guys, bringing dukka to themselves, without anybody asking them to do so. Lol.
School starts here in 2 weeks! Yahhhhhh! (Oh sorry..I'll hold down my excitement)
Are they gone yet? lololololol
Summer is Over...
The summer holiday was over and young Jack returned to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.
'Wait a minute,' mother said. 'I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
One more back to school funny and then I'll try to control myself...hahaha
We have employed a new voice mail system her at school and
would like you to have knowledge of how it operates.
When you are dialing school, please call______________.
You will then be answered by a cheery voice from us that
will give you a menu of options to meet your needs.
These are:
To lie about why your child is absent Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work Press 2
To complain about what we do Press 3
To cuss out staff members Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was in your newsletter
and several bulletins mailed to you Press 5
If you want us to raise your child Press 6
There is a youtube video (not posting) of the LA beast the next day aftermath of eating spiny cactus. He does competitive eating for a living. It is a hard job but no one needs to do it . . .
Chris Rock on the true nature of impermanence and karma:
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
http://theidproject.org/blog/ethan-nichtern/2012/09/23/cosmic-jokes-teaching-buddhism-and-dharma-chris-rock
Oops posted in the wrong thread
Music from maru!
A man driving down a country road hit a rooster, which disappeared under his car in a cloud of feathers. He did the right thing: he pulled into the nearest farmhouse and confessed. "I think I killed your rooster. I'd like to replace him." The farmer looked surprised. "Suit yourself. The hens are 'round back."
^^^ that is a crazy wisdom Bodhi Nasrudin joke . . . funny with layers of deeper meanings for those who care to look. Your story has elements of idiot compassion, unskilful means, ignorance and karma . . .
and now for something completely different . . .
Nasreddin was walking in the bazaar with a large group of followers. Whatever Nasreddin did, his followers immediately copied. Every few steps Nasreddin would stop and shake his hands in the air, touch his feet and jump up yelling "Hu Hu Hu!". So his followers would also stop and do exactly the same thing.
One of the merchants, who knew Nasreddin, quietly asked him: "What are you doing my old friend? Why are these people imitating you?"
"I have become a Sufi Sheikh," replied Nasreddin. "These are my Murids (spiritual seekers); I am helping them reach enlightenment!"
"How do you know when they reach enlightenment?"
"That’s the easy part! Every morning I count them. The ones who have left – have reached enlightenment!"
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nasreddin
Funny.
Now here are actual accident insurance claims . . .
http://www.businessballs.com/insuranceclaims.htm
eg:
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Ba-dum bum
Deleted remainder.
re: deleted post: this is what is known as anti-humour. Works really well in a stand-up situation, with an already-amused and readily-laughing audience, (Jimmy Carr is the master of such circumstances) but less well, read, and on a forum with a 'cold' audience. Having a bit of a funny day are we, @Zayl....? :rolleyes: .
John Lennon's "Imagine," Made Into A Comic Strip
For Federica
https://youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc
@Namada Awesome, that's a saver right there!
seen it, done it, watched the movie, read the film..... (apparently, he's done several. I think I've seen most of them!!
. )