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Attachments and the pursuit of happiness
chela
Veteran
It seems like some Buddhists, IMHO, take the idea of non-attachment to the extreme. I have seen this posted many times here, in one form or another: "Drop all attachments, as any attachment leads to dukkha."
Is this what Buddha meant-- to drop ALL attachments? For me (as a new student of Buddha), this doesn't seem either practical or what Buddha teaches. For one thing, if you really dropped ALL attachments, you would simply whither away-- you would die. If you behave this way, it could be construed as being selfish and can't be all that great for Karma. You are certainly not being very compassionate to to anyone else. Whether or not you are being compassionate to yourself may depend on your perspective: if dropping all attachments means suffering less, you could say you are being compassionate to yourself, even if it is suicide. But, I am quite sure that Buddha tried this method and rejected it. Once he rejected it, he gained his strength back and was able to become enlightened. No, Buddha did not teach to drop ALL attachment- he taught the Middle Way, after all.
As I reflected on this overnight, I awoke to find my Tricycle Daily Dharma (which you can subscribe to for free) in my email inbox:
Skillful Desire
The notion of a skillful desire may sound strange, but a mature mind intuitively pursues the desires it sees as skillful and drops those it perceives as not. Basic in everyone is the desire for happiness. Every other desire is a strategy for attaining that happiness.
- Thanissaro Bhikkhu, "Pushing the Limits"
Is this what Buddha meant-- to drop ALL attachments? For me (as a new student of Buddha), this doesn't seem either practical or what Buddha teaches. For one thing, if you really dropped ALL attachments, you would simply whither away-- you would die. If you behave this way, it could be construed as being selfish and can't be all that great for Karma. You are certainly not being very compassionate to to anyone else. Whether or not you are being compassionate to yourself may depend on your perspective: if dropping all attachments means suffering less, you could say you are being compassionate to yourself, even if it is suicide. But, I am quite sure that Buddha tried this method and rejected it. Once he rejected it, he gained his strength back and was able to become enlightened. No, Buddha did not teach to drop ALL attachment- he taught the Middle Way, after all.
As I reflected on this overnight, I awoke to find my Tricycle Daily Dharma (which you can subscribe to for free) in my email inbox:
Skillful Desire
The notion of a skillful desire may sound strange, but a mature mind intuitively pursues the desires it sees as skillful and drops those it perceives as not. Basic in everyone is the desire for happiness. Every other desire is a strategy for attaining that happiness.
- Thanissaro Bhikkhu, "Pushing the Limits"
3
Comments
What is dropped is the attachment, not the object of attachment itself. Attachment is a particular way that we relate ourselves to things, events and others. From a beginner's standpoint, its all a matter of establishing a skilful relationship to things and to others. It is possible to do what needs doing (from eating to helping others) without being attached to them (some things being easier than others-- but they all require practice).
Attachment clouds our vision because we get so caught up in that object that we can no longer act skillfully-- for ourselves or for others.
I suspect (from my own limited experience) that you can enjoy enjoyment more by not being attached to it. Being attached means you aren't truly fully enjoying what is before you because you don't want this moment to end-- you want more of it. If that is lingering in your mind, are you really present and mindful? Attachment interferes with all that.
I hope that helps.
My attachment or connection to the Internet was down this morning.
Once I had found out why, there was nothing I could do in that direction.
So rather than desire what was unavailable, a connection, a person, an experience etc
we can increase our desire for teaching, good company etc.
I did some extra practice.
Without intent or desire there is stagnation in dukkha.
In many ways we are initially bringing our desires or reorienting them towards the Middle Way.
For me the best way I understand it and experience it is expectation. I love my husband, and my children. Of course I would suffer greatly if anything bad happened to any one of them. I suppose I am attached to them in that respect. However, I do not desire to control them, and I don't have expectations of them anymore. Not like I used to, I am sure there are still some. When you stop expecting someone to be a particular way, you are no longer attached to the outcome and it just makes things much easier. It allows for much more acceptance.
Of course a lot of people will say it's not possible, that if we have no expectations it means we would let our partners beat us because we don't expect them to treat us with respect, but that is not true. There is nothing that says if someone treats you badly you have to stay with them, lol.
letting go of that expectation of outcome has been especially helpful in raising my kids. It allows me much better to see that no matter what path I am on, they are their own people on their own path. Just because they want to do something a certain way that is a completely opposite from how I think it should be done, doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. When I trust them and their path, things always come out far better than they would have had I pushed my expectation on them.
@karasti , I like how you talk about expectations-- to me, it's another word that could be used in place of attachments in many situations. You're right, we have to control our expectations. This is something I started to learn (thanks to a wise woman in my life) prior to my studies of Buddhism, and I can totally relate it to non-attachment. However, again (IMHO), I can say that we do have to have SOME form of expectation, or we end up with what you said-- a situation like one where you just let a person walk all over you. So you do have to have some expectation that you will be treated with some respect. Of course, you must be skillful with this expectation. For example, if you feel that you aren't being respected, you must look for the reasons why you feel this way-- look with understanding eyes within yourself and also within the other person. You do not have to get attached to the feeling of being disrespected. But skillfully looking can help determine if you are being disrespected in an abusive way and if there is something you should do (or not do) in that situation.
Desires and expectations- do not have a narrow definition of what they should be (do not cling or attach tightly). Be open to the "now" and be mindful of intentions. But it is okay to move in a direction that is a skilful direction, and move with skilful means.
So yes, it is SKILFUL desire, SKILFUL expectations. I LOVE the Middle Way! To me, it feels like SKILFUL common sense!
There are many people, including some mystics, who take a perverse satisfaction in unhappiness and other negativity. For example some dervishes spend their nights weeping and decades of being miserable.
Also I find a lot of monks have attained a condition of 'blah', a sort of bland equanimity, or tranquillised emotional state. Not happy. Not unhappy. Just a Valium substitute?
To be happy one must first give up the desire for having no desire.
Desire more. Just different. Perhaps desire to be a Buddha. Works for me. :clap:
It is part of where the problem about the internet world I posted about in the other thread comes from. I find myself with expectations for people to be different than they are and then I end up angry when they are not. With the internet it's tricky because it's a fair bet that the things people say online, aren't the same things they would say to your face in person and it makes it a lot of guesswork as far as their intent goes. People feel much more free to be hateful pricks online than they do in real life. Because I still have an expectation that all people deserved to be treated with kindness and respect, I end up upset and disappointed in the outcome. What it comes down to is it is not up to me to demand respect from or for anyone. All I can do is accept the situation for what it is and make whatever choice is appropriate for me.
@lobster "To be happy one must first give up the desire for having no desire." That totally works for me!
Sometimes I feel like I need more clarification with teachings and concepts and sometimes I feel like when I seek more clarification it leads to overthinking and feeling as if I'm going around in circles. Anyone else ever get that?
By the way, is there any difference between "skilful" and "skillful," or is this just a language/translation thing?
LOL all the time. It is one benefit of having a teacher/sangha to pose the confusion and questions to. Almost all the time they are able to tell a story or explain it in a way that makes much more sense than me trying to figure it out myself.
I have had some points were i took myself to extremes of non-attachment.
But its not like that.
Its way better.
However, words cannot describe this state of being
The idea of disappearing made me smile, reminded me of a similar delusion.
Just imagine, you are homeless, you have left a marriage that did not work out, your mother is dead, your father does not understand you, you have not seen your kid for six years, you are starving . . .
. . . then you become a Buddha.
:clap:
Sometime earlier last year, I had intended to take a brief trip at night to pick up a few needed groceries, but before pulling out of the lot, I sensed something was wrong with my truck. I stepped out to investigate, and as I had suspected, I had a completely flat tire. I was surprised at my own response to discovering this—rather than get upset, I parked the truck and went back to my loft, knowing that there wasn’t much I could accomplish in the dark to fix the tire. I went to bed, knowing what needed to be done and thought little of it for the rest of the night.
The next day, I woke up ready to do what was necessary to fix my truck. Without going into the details, even what I had set out to do was not so simple. I couldn’t get the spare tire loose from underneath the truck and it turned out I didn’t have a jack (I rarely ever have need to use my truck and maybe go to the gas station four or five times a year without even filling up). Other problems cropped up as well. But in each case, I was unperturbed. I simply acknowledged the new situation and adapted myself to it without complaining. And believe me, this is not normally how I handle situations like this. I was aware of my disposition during all of this and was surprised—this was no feigned calm, but was a spontaneous response. Incidentally, I had been engaged in quite a lot of zazen, being quite involved with Buddhism during this time.
In the end, with all the walking around town and all the various things I had to purchase and eventually get my truck to a nearby mechanic to replace the tire, after all the time, money and energy spent, I finally had accomplished everything I had set out to do by the afternoon, and then bought the groceries I had meant to get the previous night.
After doing all this, I stopped to reflect again on my day and my surprisingly calm response to all the obstacles that came my way that day—and I began laughing to myself, and laughing at myself too. It dawned on me how everything that had happened was going to happen regardless: the flat tire, difficulty getting to the spare, having to walk to and fro for and air pump. jack and tire sealant, etc. etc. But my disposition was the only thing that was different. I could have cursed and wailed the whole time and probably had given myself a headache, allowing myself to become stressed out. But instead I calmly did precisely what each moment, as it arose, needed—nothing more, nothing less.
And so I laughed at myself knowing how foolish I could have been, but how much easier it was by simply being adaptable to each situation rather than being rigid and unyielding. Where I go wrong it this: What makes me complain about things going not according to my plans is not circumstances, but rather my own clinging to an abstract projection of the future as I say it should be, regardless of the reality. And rather than adapting, I moan (verbally or to myself) which changes nothing. It reminded my of old Zhuang Zi’s rigid, unmoving pine tree versus the pliable willow tree and how both fared in the wind.
That day, my happiness was not dependent upon circumstances, but on my own inner disposition. As odd as it sounds, that day, where I spent half of it fixing a flat, was actually a very good and memorable day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other words, I wanted to have my flat fixed, but I was not attached to the event. I did what needed to be done without a narrative in my head saying 'This shouldn't be happening like this.' If I had been running about with that commentary in my head I would have an attachment to an idea of how I thought things ought to be. Attachment comes from getting too caught up in how you think OUGHT to be. And that comes from that narrative in the head which is separating you from the actual matter at hand-- you aren't present with the flat, but with an idea of a truck that has no flat. This is just mindlessly chasing an illusion. And we do this all the time, wandering in samsara rather than the simple reality before us. Mindfulness in this context then is the opposite of attachment. Or, attachment is what prevents us from being mindful.
Missing out on some fantasy experience? Having a good day fixing a tyre?
Where did you think Nirvana was? At a rock concert? Up a mountain?
As soon as I fix this drain, I can enjoy myself . . .
I do hear drain fixing parties are all the celebrity rage now . . . OK not yet . . . if they were, kids would be begging their neighbours to clean their drains . . .
Inner disposition. Don't sit or stand for anything less. :clap:
'Where, then, lies the mistake, since all people crave the happy life? It is that they regard the means for producing happiness as happiness itself, and, while seeking happiness, they are really fleeing from it. For although the sum and substance of the happy life is unalloyed freedom from care, and though the secret of such freedom is unshaken confidence, yet men gather together that which causes worry, and, while travelling life’s treacherous road, not only have burdens to bear, but even draw burdens to themselves; hence they recede father and farther from the achievement of that which they seek, and the more effort they expend, the more they hinder themselves and are set back. This is what happens when you hurry through a maze; the faster you go, the worse you are entangled.' ~Seneca
So, I don't see it as dropping an attachment or a particular attachment to this or that.
Rather, by understanding how we become attached, we may better understand the cause:effect:cause etc.
This I think relieves the pressure caused by attachment and allows one to better appreciate the burdens that are otherwise assumed to be obligatory.