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I'm hesistant to take things further with Her.
...And I think I now know why.
I mentioned in another thread that I was going on a date with someone I used to work with.
I've been having this problem lately. (Dont get nervous---not THAT kind of problem).
Everytime I consider getting closer with her, I suddenly recoil and talk myself out of it. Its not that I'm afraid of relationships.
I couldn't put my finger on it before now.
As much as I like this girl...I just realized that shes always down on herself.
She talks herself into these bummed out moods and its pretty common for her. The things that attracted me to her was, shes the sweetest person in the world, shes beautiful, shes going for a double degree in archaeology/geology. Shes brillant also.
Her crummy moods gets me thinking about my parents crappy relationship where Mom is always in a bad mood and my Dad is always trying to cheer her up, with no success.
For a while there I was wondering, "What's my Problem?" "This girl SHOULD be perfect for me!"
But alas, as it turns out, My concern was valid afterall. Its not me, but its her. I just dont want to be drug down with her when she falls into the pits.
I've been working on getting myself figured out and balancing my own emotions. I dont think entering into a relationship with someone who is constantly down, would be the best course of action for me.
I mentioned in another thread that I was going on a date with someone I used to work with.
I've been having this problem lately. (Dont get nervous---not THAT kind of problem).
Everytime I consider getting closer with her, I suddenly recoil and talk myself out of it. Its not that I'm afraid of relationships.
I couldn't put my finger on it before now.
As much as I like this girl...I just realized that shes always down on herself.
She talks herself into these bummed out moods and its pretty common for her. The things that attracted me to her was, shes the sweetest person in the world, shes beautiful, shes going for a double degree in archaeology/geology. Shes brillant also.
Her crummy moods gets me thinking about my parents crappy relationship where Mom is always in a bad mood and my Dad is always trying to cheer her up, with no success.
For a while there I was wondering, "What's my Problem?" "This girl SHOULD be perfect for me!"
But alas, as it turns out, My concern was valid afterall. Its not me, but its her. I just dont want to be drug down with her when she falls into the pits.
I've been working on getting myself figured out and balancing my own emotions. I dont think entering into a relationship with someone who is constantly down, would be the best course of action for me.
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Comments
But you need manure to feed the roses...
maybe she might turn out to be your best Guru.... and you hers....
Do what you feel you are best equipped to do.
Be kind to yourself, and go with the flow.
P.S. 15 years of marriage so far, can't be wrong, must be something right!
There's still time - I got out after 23.....
Love is love. It happens and none of us really know the reason why. But, I would also have to say that falling in love with someone does not necessarily mean you have to integrate them into your everyday life.
Both people in a relationship should be whole. I don't believe it's good to enter into a relationship thinking that you can "fix" or "change" someone. If that's the case, you're not loving them for who they are, but what you think you can make them.
If being depressed and down is a part of her "being" and you are cool with that - then that's fine. That is how you know this person and you love them for it.
But, on the flip side, if this is something you recognize as being an issue that you have a hard time with now - spending most of your time together is just going to bring sadness and grief.
And I don't believe love is "settling". As in, "I really can't stand this, but this is the best I can do at the moment."
Entering relationships with these kinds of views should cause one to seek the teachings of Buddha. Attachments, preconceptions, labels are all going to come into play with a relationship like this. "I do this for them, why don't they do this for me?" "Why do they act like this?" "Why are they down again?" All of these things could cause suffering in your own life.
I think you're doing well in evaluating the situation before proceeding with this. There is nothing that says you can't be friends.
-bf
It's now your turn to wash the coffee cups....
look at it this way.... fewer tealeaves to clear out....!!
Now I have more to think about. Thanks. (I really mean that, thanks).
Federica & Xrayman--
I just dont know.
Buddhafoot--
I just dont know. I seem to fall into this line of thinking everytime I'm around her.
And I definitely dont want to "settle". Thats not fair to her or to me. It does bother me that shes always down on herself and her situations. But I also know that theres nothing I can do to make her happy. She has to make her happy. Doesnt she?
There is a part of me that thinks...well, if I dont make my move now, then shes going to find someone else and my chance will be gone, but...I'm not sure if that's right thinking either.
Now IKnot,
stop with the friggin' around! stop procrastinating, masticating the idea around in your head!_DO IT! ask her she has something to share with you-and you, her.
(I said masticating, federica)
cheers
I seem to remember this somewhere in Buddhist texts. I tend to agree.
:skeptical I think you're taking my posts as some cry for positive affirmations or something of the like. I do not have a fear of intimacy or commitment. My "friggin' around" has nothing to do with fear of rejection, so for me to just "DO IT!" doesnt exactly wrap up the issue into a neat little package.
I have no doubt she has something to share with me--and me, her. But what we share doesnt have to be shared...romantically.
commitment or fear of intimacy has nothing to do with my post to you
I don't want others to miss out on opportunities, or myself for that matter-"it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" I believe is what I was trying to say-you can just put me on your ignore list from now on if you like I will not be offended.
just trying to help-i'll butt out.
No, I'm not gonna put you on Ignore. I appreciate you trying to help. It was just the "tone" of that line about "friggin and do it" that I couldnt quite...interpret.
Its hard to read a person's "tone" on the internet sometimes.
Yes, you're probably right. Better to have loved and lost.
Thanks.
Us aussies tend to use strong wording but we mean it in a humorous "soft" way. our humour is more "self-deprecating" than other nationalities, sometimes. We tend to come across as brash-even uncooth, but I think most people when they "get it" understand the Aussie speech and oversimplification and understatement of things/culture.
As an example-we think the Croc Hunter is a dickhead-yet some Americans think that's what most Australians are like. WE HATE THE GUY!
We see things like Michael Jackson, Jerry Springer and OJ and some Aussies think that's the typical American. ALL WRONG!
Everybody knows the typical American is more like George W Bush!
He embodies everything that we Americans cherish. Ignorance and Violence! Yee-Haw! :usflag:
::::groan::::
(This could probably go back and forth all night)