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attachment dilemma - does this make a person cold hearted (part two of my previous thread!!)
The whole non attachment concept is leaving me in this situation where i am having to push people away. I think I may have evolved my need for a less stressful time a little too far and removed my emotional attachment to people too. This thread/trail of thought had started as my sister discovered she may need to have a surgery (emphasis on the word MAY) when she called my parents to let her know my mum started worrying (she did her usual drama on the phone) and you know what i felt nothing for her, Not even sorry or sympathy or even sadness.
In the process of accomplishing non attachment im sort of feeling like im being cold hearted to others but im happy too. Has anyone else felt this way too?
(i dont know why but this thread keeps splitting from the previous thread i was trying to reply to!)
In the process of accomplishing non attachment im sort of feeling like im being cold hearted to others but im happy too. Has anyone else felt this way too?
(i dont know why but this thread keeps splitting from the previous thread i was trying to reply to!)
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Comments
if you feel non-attachment, but also happy, then it might, at first glance, denote that you have accomplished the practice in a fruitful way.
but to also describe it as feeling cold-hearted would imply your practice is flawed.
Do you feel genuine Wise compassion for your sister and mother?
The derogatory way in which you illustrated her response on the 'phone "(she did her usual drama on the 'phone)" would suggest that your detachment is cold, clinical and self-defensive.
in other words, you keep people away from you because you feel it is conducive to your practice, but actually, the benefit is one sided. You show or feel no Equanimity, or Loving-Kindness, and therein lies the crux of the matter.
What you are practising is not detachment.
it is indifference.
And that is the opposite to Love.
Not 'Hate' as some might assume.
And indifference is not a healthy condition for anybody's well-being.
I think it's good that you're not getting dragged into the "drama". IMO, for now, it's just a matter of working to generate appropriate and skillful compassion, that is, address their needs like a family member would, but don't let it drag you down too much emotionally.
Basically to cut a long dramatic story short - she is a hypercondriac, we have tried to help her as much as possible and she has not been willing to address the main issue. On the last occassion she was actually ill and it took me needing to see a MRI xray print thing to believe her. This history has lead to a lot coldness anyway - its now this frequent need for attention. My personal reason not wanting to help is that when I was sick for a 2 year period I got zero support from her and not even one hospital visit, she was not there for me at all.
My only way to maintain my calm is to step back and apply non- attachment, however in doing this im watching her emotionally drain my elderly parents. I feel compassion and love for my parents as they are suffering and but utter coldness and nothing for her. Its not a situation that I feel comfortable to walk away from but i feel like im being selfish in this situation.
There has been so many instances where I am sitting here and hearing things which would usually make me feel sad or sympathy but now its like I feel nothing at all.
do you realise that in and of itself, hypochondria is a sickness? In the midst of all this imagined difficulty, she really is not well.
Tell me - what is it you actually want to do about this?
Since that occasion federica, she has spent a lot of money trying to prove she is a hypochondriac. In doing this she stopped the holistic care she has set up for her by me. How can you help a person who wont listen to a mass of people giving her the same advice?
Now the other side of hypocondria is this Im admitting defeat and applying some non attachment. Im unaable to feel sorry for a person who is so stubborn in not wanting to seek help. I might be able dust my hands off and walk away for my own stress levels to stay low but how can i be compassionate and watch my parents now suffer with her as i decide to detach.
I think you are on the right track in your observations of your sister. First we have to develop space (not get sucked into her 'usual drama') which it sounds like you have done.
The next step would be to cultivate that space into compassion for her. Do you notice how much worry she has? How empty and alone she must feel as she carries all these threatening potential medical situations? How much delusion she has? How empty it must leave her? How she looks to her friends and family to help elevate that emptiness? To help her find peace?
You relate to her as though she has no compassion for anyone, but in a mind so busy with fear and pain, is there room for it? Have you noticed that when you were getting sucked into her drama, you also had no space for compassion? You would have so much judging, anger, fear and apathy that there was little room for anything else.
For now, don't try to solve the puzzle of her or you+her, just work on you. Bring in your sister, not as the drama queen, but as an expression of real pain and confusion. Let yourself see how much suffering is in her world. This will help you flex the mind, opening up so you can love those that see from different eyes than yours. She is your family, your blood, and she is in pain. You have the space to see that and let it go, perhaps? We can love others and feel sorrow for their suffrering, without needing to fix it or becoming agitated by it.
Notice the space, but don't keep her out of it.
With warmth,
Matt
I'm just exhausting sort of showing her the exit you know. Its also that and the fact she is much more older than me - i just feel let down by her.
Consider:
"Brother, I think I am a hypercondriac, comfort me, help me"
"I have your solution, go to the doctor and get better" is perhaps the old, unskillful way you drained yourself.
"You sound afraid, I love you, I am here for you. What do you need?" Is perhaps a way to skillfully relate to her. Help her notice her feelings, and make space for them in your mind. Her suffering is not about yoou, and its ok to say no to her. Just don't jump in and assume you know the right path for her, it pulls your attention away from where you need to focus, which is on your focus...
With warmth,
Matt
If you start investigating the root of her problems, you might find some pity for her behavior. You could even try awarding her with some extra attention and interest when she is getting your attention in a good way. Say by helping you out, or asking about your day first.
I'm actually dealing with my youngest, you could say sister in law, and she is very similar to your sister. If I talk about my day, she will walk off while I'm speaking. If she's in a bad mood she'll ignore me if I ask her a question. But when she needs some attention she can be very demanding. The other day I tried an experiment on her. She bust into my room with "You wouldn't believe what happened!" I merely grunted some responses (way out of character for me). Frustrated she tried to get me involved again by snapping at me a little, and asking "are you even listening"- I feigned bored interest. She left in a huff, but later she came back and asked me about my day (way out of character for her). Well now I spoke up and when I finished I even asked her again about the story she had tried to tell me earlier.
Sometimes we have to look at how we may be enabling our loved one's to walk all over us, and then start trying to fix it. I wouldn't recommend shutting her out under the pretense of "non-attachment". Try fixing the way you give her attention before you decide to throw in the towel (and be patient with your mother... all mother's love their "babies", and she will get on your case if she thinks you are fighting). In fact the mother in my situation will defend her baby to the death!
She has an obscene amount of time to nit pick about her health and
Small things that other people overlook she makes a big deal off. My mum seems to have become immune to her this time - I think she realised since my bout of illness that you can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped!
instead of focusing on what you feel is missing (compassion with your sister), I would focus more on what is there: a desire to experience love, and be connected to people (I'm pretty sure this applies to you too). If this feeling of loving kindness does not yet extend towards your sister, I would accept this as a current limitation, that will change with time as we advance on our path. In the meantime, help her if you think that you can help, but don't feel guilty for what you do not yet feel (investing in guilt will not benefit anyone).
Hope this makes sense, take care,
Maarten
My mum is going with her and i've just made myself too busy - its that saying i suppose you have to be cruel to be kind. I find it funny how she is helping my buddhism practice more than hinder it (i thought she was like the one person dragging me through the mud) but its made it apparent that I dont want to be a selfish, non compassionate person like her who is unaware of all the suffering she has caused others (which has ultimatly lead her to become alone!)
Wonder how the Karma element fits in here?
:thumbsup:
example woke up saturday morning and thought it would be to have a girls workout day and go to a yoga class. So i took my mum out (who jumped at the chance to get a time out!) and she was moaning about a back ache but later decided to join in.
25 mins into the yoga class she lost her slight limp and no longer seemed to stop to touch her back - my mum poked me mid technical pose to show me her doing a a move called the bridge which stretches the back! :banghead: this was the same person who wanted someone to help her out of bed 45 mins ago!
I began the distant wise compassion and thought some people can only help themselves and not see the light (so to speak!) when there is 20 people pointing towards it!
Whatever the pattern is that causes your sister's limp, it is real from her side, even if the way she chooses to express it is inaccurate. For instance, faking a limp still comes from a need for attention, which could come from low esteem, which a yoga meditation could help settle. A psychosomatic limp could come from buried pain, which yoga might have helped settle.
Consider noting that her ability to settle and align her back was a real triumph for her, and it would not be helpful for you to turn it into excuse to belittle the girl moaning in bed.