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Hard dilemma!

KundabufferKundabuffer
edited April 2011 in General Banter
Hi

It goes all over again about the relationships. I am going steady with a girl for 6 months now. She is really into it, talking about marriage, kids, and we are soon moving together. I am also in the years (36) that I think it's time that I settle down. I kinnda have some feelings for this girl but deep inside I know that's not it. We are not intelectually on the same level. But on the other hand sometimes I feel like we could do it but when we are together long time and I fell into this hole again. I know it could be wise to pull out when it's still time but this thing is getting more complicated. I know I am in this by myself but if someone has some tips or experiences from the Buddhis view or general please share. Thanx

Comments

  • TreeLuvr87TreeLuvr87 Veteran
    It sounds like you're thinking a lot about the future with this woman. Try to be more in the moment. It will help you enjoy that future a lot more, with her or not. Stop worrying so much. What is the worst that will happen if your relationship falls apart? It will hurt, and it will hurt more people than just yourself, but letting that fear run your current actions isn't going to help.

    If you know deep down that you won't want to be with this woman for very long, then don't be with her. That's not being nice to yourself or to her. If you aren't totally sure, then just keep focusing on the present moment while you're with her and know that things will lead where they should.

    I go through this a lot, worrying about my relationship and what-if-it-doesn't-last or what-if-I-get-hurt. I have been meditating on the concepts of nonself and interdependence a lot to help remember that this "self" I am constantly protecting is not separate at all.

    And smile! Love is a beautiful thing, no matter how long it lasts.
  • SherabDorjeSherabDorje
    I recommend Thich Nhat Hanh's advice for communicating with people you care about. Not sure where to find it though. Have you thought about communicating exactly how you feel to this woman to see how you really feel about each other and may or may not be able to be "worked out"?
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but it sounds like it's not a good match. Do you want to get married just to be married? Or do you want to have a fulfilling partnership that can lead to a good marriage? If the latter, keep looking. There's no timer ticking away, no deadline, no magic age by which you're supposed to be married, no pressure at all. You sound a little like you want to make this work just because you feel "it's time", or maybe you don't think you'll meet anyone else, or...something. Take a look at your own thought processes, reflect deeply on your own motivations. Are they the right ones? Only you can say for sure.

    P.S. If one of the factors is that you're afraid of disappointing her, you're not responsible for her expectations (unless you've lead her to believe that marriage is in the cards). She has to own her own excitement and projections. Maybe take the weekend off, and spend it thinking, reflecting, meditating.
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