Avoiding conflicts using kindness

Julia

I think it is difficult to practice ethics sometimes. Because I have sometimes difficulty to set borders and be honest about how I feel in different situations because I don¨t like conflicts. So when I want to practice patience, kindness and so on , it can be a dilemma. Because maybe I avoid conflicts because of fear and then hide behind the kindness... But I know I have to practice setting borders and be honest, but sometimes I don¨t know if I follow my Ego or my fear.

Sabre

Hi Julia,

Conflicts happen in life, even monks have their arguments from time to time. But to not let those conflicts take the best of you, that's what we practice. You can try to avoid them, but it's better to take them as a practice also and see they are not such a big problem. It's just a conflict, that's all. Maybe it will be solved, maybe not, you'll figure out a way to make it work anyway.

Also, it is not a goal of Buddhism just to always say yes, nod or heads and agree with everything, we can have our say if we don't agree with something. But if you are honest and kind at least what you say won't hurt you or others. If they get angry and agitated don't get upset, it isn't something personal, just some anger that is left in them. Keep cool and they will also chill down naturally.

This is how I try to handle conflicts and I must say it works pretty well.

With metta,
Sabre

compassionate_warrior

Because I have sometimes difficulty to set borders and be honest about how I feel in different situations because I don¨t like conflicts.it can be a dilemma. But I know I have to practice setting borders and be honest, but sometimes I don¨t know if I follow my Ego or my fear.

Setting boundaries doesn't lead to conflict, that's a fear some people have. It's only a dilemma if you make it one. People in some cultures aren't comfortable being assertive (such as, when setting boundaries). Being assertive doesn't mean being aggressive, it just means speaking up for yourself, knowing what your needs are and letting people know what your limitations are, i.e. how far you are and are not willing to go. Boundaries don't need to be stated in a pushy way. You can simply say, "I'm sorry, I can't help you with this problem", or "I'm not able to do x or y" (you don't have to justify anything). Boundaries can be expressed politely (but firmly).

Julia

Yes, it sounds reasonable.
But I can get stucked with this dilemma sometimes, wondering if I set boundaries because I am selfish about my needs or if it is necessary to do so in that particulary situation. So many times I just say it is ok, but another aspect in me protest. So it is hard to know which thought to listen to.

I can also be to forgiving with people, I always try to understand them and their mistakes and move on. But maybe it would be better to really see that this relation to that friend is better to finish. So I can stay in a difficult relationship without seeing that it is better to let go. I become a little blind.

It is hard for me to set boundaries in a gentle and calm way, because there is so many emotions coming up because of my fear. But if I get used to this, I will become calmer and it will feel more natural to do this.


Is there a good method to practice this things?

Sabre

Hi Julia,

You could watch this video. I haven't watched it myself, but maybe it can learn you something:



Metta,
Sabre