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New girl and SO much help needed!
Hi guys I'm Clare and I'm researching and reading up on Buddhism, I have lots of great book and the interenet is full of lovely resources but I need a sangha to be honest! I have problems applying some teachings to my actual life and situation. Also I would just like to chat about the new things I'm learning! Look forward to hearing from you! x
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What 'problems' are you having with applying which teachings to your actual life and situation?
Just to let you know, we're all human too, and probably face issues like yours more frequently than you'd think....
Welcome!
Edit - snap, dakini!!
My lama is Lama Shenpen Hookham. You can check her out via a free email teaching by googling buddhism connect. She offers a course with support from the sangha and it costs a fair chunk of change so be prepared. They are engaged in what they consider dharmic activity such as supporting practitioners in retreat, travel, constructing facilities including a huge project of a stupa, and other activities which is the reason for the cost. It is a registered charity so tax deductible at least in UK.
My main problem is my job, I work in a nursery (17 2 year olds in a classroom designed for half that) and I'm on my own or with a really inexperienced helper. Basically I spend my entire day terrified that the kids are going to get hurt, fall over or whatever because I'm not watching them and also I feel the most crushing guilt because I physically can't give them the attention they need. So I end up running around madly feeling angry and stressed (with my boss mainly for putting me in this situation, and myself for not coping better), trying to hide it from the kids and I end up crying on the train on the way home!
I have very recently started reading up about Buddhism it feels so natural to me, I have always had an interest but it's only now that I feel independent enough of my family and the standard Christian belief system I was raised with (I'm from Northern Ireland and live in Spain) to go my own way.
I don't know how to remain calm in this situation (in work). Is this due to attachment? BecauseI feel my role is so important? But it is important to keep the children safe and I don't want to let them or the parents who have entrusted them to me down. I have always worked with kids and love being around them but now I'm reconsidering my whole career path because I can't remain calm in htis job! The parents always compliment me on my calm exterior but inside I'm usually screaming! I've just had a week of for Easter and have been reading the Dharma as much as possible and spending as much time as I can with my dog in nature and meditating in an effort to build up a store of calmness, if you know what I mean?!
Ok, deep breath.
Sorry for the rambling nature of this post, I hope you know what I'm getting at.
Thanks. x
All of this is opening you up to greater possibilities than you can imagine. As you cast of narrow claustrophibic thinking a heart response developes to feel alive, meaning, clarity, vision, wholeness. You are doing your best at the daycare and thats just how it is. At least you are not molesting the children or something. I know adults who were molested in daycare and they are hurt by that but still living functioning lives. So I think your children will be even better. I think practice will help you accept where you are and see that your experience is less narrow than you now think.
Sit them all in the corner, like sheep waiting to be sheared, and then.....
Kinda dumb, huh?
Somebody gave you this job because they believe you can do it.
The school has adequate insurance at their disposal to cover you, and health & safety guidelines I'm sure you're familiar with.
You say you have an inexperienced helper.
let them be, let them learn by watching and following your example.
Tell them simply - use your initiative, but if you're unsure - ask.
Your job is not to look after the world and prevent any and every single thing from happening.
Your job is to let them breathe in the experience of growing up in a healthy environment geared for learning how to have fun.
Did you ever hurt yourself as a kid?
do you bear deep emotional scars, because you grazed your knee?
Did you resent the people who were looking after you?
Did your mum and dad decide they were going to sue the pants off the school/establishment?
Or did you (as I suspect) simply grow up with the odd bump or two along the way - as any kid would?
What do you let the children at your place play with? Kitchen knives and hand grenades??
If the children want attention - let them come to you. But let them develop the independence to play and explore, without your anxiety over-shadowing them.
I'm 54. I made it.
my daughters are 19 and 26.
They made it.
You made it too.
Relax.
And keep reading, keep breathing and keep posting!
(And keep your dog too. Love dogs!)
Your posts have really helped, the nearest sangha to me is quite far but I am going next week as they organise dinners on Saturday nights to meet up and talk. I'm really glad to have found this forum though because it helps to hear from people who share my beliefs (or at least those I am cultivating)!
Jefrey - what you say makes lots of sense, thank you.
Dakini - will bag up the guilt as you said! and definitely will breathe slow and calm to come back to my calm centre.
Federica - laughed out loud at your post, many thanks for that! we'll all make it through I'm sure! and I will definitely keep my dog, he's very lovely.
I have no experience with kids (luckily
If you can find a real life sangha where you feel welcome, that would really be a great aid in your practice.
With loving kindness,
Sabre
Consider that you do your best to care for the children when your mind is clear and awake. If you are thinking about the negligent boss, or the possible danger for the children, or judging the helper as inadequate... your mind is using up its much needed resources. No wonder you're tired and full of sorrow after a day of stress and painful thoughts!
When you are alone and in a more quiet situation, consider bringing in each of those items and practicing loving-kindness with them; the children might be easiest at first. For example, recall one of the specific children, and let yourself observe your memory of them, feeling loving kindness for them, giving your heart room to feel the warmth and connectedness you have with the child. You certainly have a powerful compassion for children, so let yourself nurture that compassion... spending a few minutes sitting full of compassion for a few of them.
Then, perhaps you could look with that same warmth of loving kindness toward the boss, or the helper, the whole situation, even yourself. If an afflicted emotion starts to rise up, just notice it and keep looking, breathing, accepting.
You work better with a clear head, and becoming mindful enough to let go of the chaos when it arises (or even before) is what this practice is all about. By cultivating patient loving-kindness for the kids, and the boss, and the situation ahead of time, you'll be creating a well rooted foundation for seeing through the troubles when they are actually present in front of you.
My teacher used to say that we consider Buddhism a practice because we come to a place of stillness and compassion when we sit, and then practice bringing it to the situations of our life... until we are one continuous expression of mindful compassion.
With warmth,
Matt
I worked in nursing homes with experiences like this. Often I did not have time to toilet everyone on schedule, or even provide adequate care. I have experiences that are downright terrible. I used to cry with guilt after work, or cry in the linen closet. I got into passionate fights during meetings about the staffing issue but I often got no results. But now... I'm going through nursing school. I plan to be active in nursing unions, and I want to push for safer staffing legislation. I also will quit any job that endangers my patients with short-staffing. If I quit, I will fire off a detailed reason to the higher ups, so they will know why retention sucks in hospitals. But, those are large scale solutions, that don't help you with the day-to-day.
Try your best not to become jaded, or let the stress eat away at your compassionate personality. Many people in caregiver fields experience burn-out and lose the ability to maintain compassion. If you need a break, then take one. If that means cutting back on work hours, then do so. If you find that meditation makes it easier to cope, then do that as well. Don't let your boss tell you what you are capable of. If you know that you can't handle it, then make it known. If they say "Suzy Q, can handle it", but you know Suzie does a terrible job and is short with the kids... then say so! Don't feel selfish if you are dealing with more than you can handle. If you feel the staffing is unsafe, then cut back on your hours and explain your reasoning with your boss.
There are times when I look back at my nursing home years... and realize I contributed to the staffing issue by tolerating it. All my co-workers were burnt out, beat down, and just poor enough to cling to their employment. I really wish we had organized and done something about the matter. So, don't give up! Fight for the welfare of those kids, and keep yourself sane!
As Malachy says, have a talk with your boss. (And in the meantime, implement some of the suggestions others here have given). Tell her you love the job, you love the kids, but in order to be able to do a good job for her and not burn out and end up quitting, you need a skilled assistant, if only part-time. You could mention that the kids are at risk of injury due to inadequate staffing. Be reasonable, factual, businesslike.
Don't worry so much about the kids getting hurt (beyond your reasonable capacity). If a kid gets hurt, it won't be your fault, because the boss has chosen to understaff the facility. Your boss has ultimate responsibility for what happens in her facility; let her take that responsibility, don't take it on yourself. Of course you do your best to look after the kiddies, but don't let yourself lose sleep over it or get frazzled. (Mentally) give back to your boss some of the responsibility for safety that you've taken on. Maybe that'll help lift a little weight off your shoulders.
Thanks for an inside peek on EU working conditions.
Have had a much pleasanter experience the last 2 days back, have been doing loving kindness meditations in my lunch break and have felt a lot clearer and calmer.
Have spoken to my boss regularly, a couple of times I've broken down in tears but she suggests things like keeping them out in the playground (up 3 flights of STEEP stairs) for longer and...well that was it. Oh, and she suggested I may need valium. I hope she was joking!
As Malachy says, I know I'm contributing to this situation and despite my misgivings about the numbers (I had 12 last year on my own which I thought was bad!) I stayed because it was easier for me than looking for another job. A few months ago I was going to hand in my notice but when it came down to it I couldn't as the kids in this class took a long time to settle in as many hadn't been in any sort of daycare setting before and as such are fairly attached to me and my assistant. Basically I don't want to mess them around, I know they'd be fine but I want things to be as easy and enjoyable for them as possible. Plus now that I know I finish in July and the nursery isn't reopening it's only a few months and I can cope with that. Then I get to find a new school!!
The law here (Catalunya, Spain) states that 1 teacher can have up to 18 2 and 3 year old children in a nursery setting, ALONE. They go to school at age 3 and are often in classes of 30 from then on. It's a bit mad here in my opinion.
Anyway, just thought I'd fill you all in and thank you again SO MUCH for all your help, advice and interest.
x
First of all everyone (and I mean everyone if they are honest
Secondly, internet forums are subsidies to Sanghas but the main branches can be found when you are ready in groups around the world also. Google BuddhaNet Directory or Buddhist centres etc when you are ready to sit with real life groups.
Best wishes, and good tidings.
Abu