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"Self-Compassion" in the News
"Self-compassion may matter more than self-esteem
Being kind to yourself may be the most important life skill - imparting energy, resiliency and courage, researchers find"
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43025669/ns/health-behavior/
Good article.
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Comments
Self love can have a negative effect on a person and society, too. Self compassion seems to be a better option as it helps people see things from a healthier perspective and inspires more positive behavior in society.
What about the recent stories of young girls taking inappropriate pictures of themselves and posting them on the internet and/or texting them to fellow students. Some say that they have low self esteem causing them to seek attention, thereby excusing this person's behavior. In reality, these girls are very impressed with themselves. They think that they're hot and crave having others tell that they're hot, too.
This same myth has also been used in attempt to counteract bullying. They applied the same conclusion that bullies are insecure and don't love themselves enough causing them to be aggressive and to seek out victims. They felt that encouraging a sense of higher self esteem in bullies would solve the problem. Bullying is on the rise and more widespread then originally thought. It's also not limited to the schoolyard. People are committing suicide as a result of being targeted. There are websites dedicated to the victims of "bullycide". There is also the long term, even life long, mental and emotional damage done to the targets of these bullies and narcissists to consider.
The influence of narcissism is everywhere in our society and it is having a negative effect overall. How we look at the subject depends on the information presented to us.
It's a real eye opener and like you said, they put the concepts into words. Enjoy!
Instead of getting Neff's book, I got a different one because it was more explicitly Buddhist:
"The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion" by Christopher K. Germer.
So far it seems very informative and useful.
Compassion is its own thing and understands the will to make sacrifices to benefit all from the bigger picture, even if it means dealing fate.
Loving kindness is what we choose to share after we find fulfillment with it inside of ourselves, first.
Together, they make the way through the path. As if the heart is the vehicle that carries us, regardless of what the mind has to think about it.
Mindfulness aids in this understanding when we are just silent and unmoved; all the while, allowing our minds to follow only our hearts and merely witnessing the rest.
In respect to self-compassion, psychology has been enamored with self-esteem for decades. And to what end?
A lot of the kids from schools these days have this bloated sense of importance because they have been coddled in a system that does not permit failure. They are protected from reality and self-esteem has become some kind of God in the school systems. Of course the product of this self-esteem mantra is narcissism.
What ever happened to character and being able to pick yourself up after failure? It means good old character is on the decline and we have kids who are only willing to view success as a possibility.
This winner takes all mentality has spawned some of the weirdest and stupidest things that have come along ever. Not allowing anyone to lose means kids don't take to criticism or loss well at all. As a consequence, everyone who races must come in first.
Not to say competition is the answer. The answer according to Neff's book is to cut yourself a break and feel good about yourself, even if you don't win. The thinking in this book and Germer's is leading edge in Psychology and we are about to see an approach develop that actually makes sense.
I disagree with this interpretation of loving kindness, compassion and mindfulness.
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At Debra’s suggestion I’m going to summarize and comment on the concept of “Self-Compassion,” as articulated in the books “Self-Compassion” and “The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion”, written by Neff and Germer, respectively, both Buddhist practicioners and PhDs. I also throw in some of my own advice.
Self-compassion is important because without it:
-You get stuck in unproductive and unpleasant self-condemnation and self-loathing.
-You may have a fear of failure and rejection that can lead to procrastination
-You may have a fear of failure and rejection that leads to you avoid confronting certain situations or qualities of self that need to be addressed.
According to Neff’s research, self-compassion is more important than self-esteem for success and happiness. It builds resiliency without relying on delusions of greatness that are too easily crushed by brutal reality checks.
You can cultivate self-compassion by practicing its three aspects.
The 3 aspects of self-compassion are:
1. Self-Kindness. This seems self-explanatory and obvious, except that we somehow forget about it when we need it the most. The key to applying self-kindness is a shift in perspective combined with pro-activity. Neff suggests that you treat yourself as a friend that you care deeply for. So you shouldn’t curse or belittle yourself any more than you would a dear friend. Furthermore, should something happen that causes you pain and suffering (such as harsh comments from an advisor), you should take the time and effort to sooth and counsel yourself just as you would a friend.
You should take this role so seriously that if you were having a conversation with someone and they said something to hurt your feelings, you would actually pause the conversation and take time to direct kindness to yourself (quietly, of course). Stop and give full attention to your needs, just as you might stop for a fallen stranger or take time to meet with a grieving friend.
Other techniques Neff suggests are hugging or caressing yourself as you think soothing thoughts. Or to at least imagine hugging yourself.
It is important to be both the person giving kindness as well as the one receiving kindness. You want to retrain the “judging mind” to be more compassionate. And you want to retrain “you” to be more accepting of kindness.
2. Common Humanity. It is very important to see that all humans have common experiences, in particular, the experience of suffering of some sort or another. (Note that “Suffering” refers to the mental process, not any physical outcome.) So when you suffer, you should also realize that other people also suffer. Though the particulars of their suffering may differ from yours, it is ultimately the same.
Know that you are not alone in your suffering. And you are as worthy of compassion as others are.
By the way, there is a key distinction between self-compassion and self-pity. Compassion acknowledges common humanity. It unifies people. It makes you think, “that person is just like me in that they suffer.” You can feel what they feel even though your life circumstance may be totally different from theirs.
Pity, on the other hand, separates people. If you have pity on someone you are basically thinking, “Gosh, I’m glad I’m not her.”
So think about what “self-pity” does: It basically causes a split in your own mind. Your “judging mind” is making itself distinct from “you.” It is rejecting you. You are at war with yourself.
So make sure you practice compassion, not pity.
How to practice: One of Germer’s recommendations is that, anytime you are suffering in some way, to reflect upon the fact that everyone else suffers also, and that everyone wants to be free of suffering, and that you, too, want to be free of suffering. (This is a straight-forward application of “loving-kindness” meditation popular among Buddhists.) Then, quietly say something like, “_Just as everyone wants to be free from suffering, I want to be free from suffering. May I be free from suffering, may my friends be free from suffering, may [insert the name of someone causing you problems] be free from suffering, may all people be free from suffering._” Try to feel it and not just say it, but don’t worry if you’re not feeling it. The words themselves have an impact.
You can replace “suffering” with something more specific, such as anger, depression, fear, etc. Any emotion that is bothering you can be used.
You can also focus on the positives, i.e., that everyone, including you, wants to be happy, healthy, successful, etc.
I recommend that you do this practice as a form of self-kindness and self-soothing. I do it a lot and it feels good.
(continued)
3. Mindfulness You obviously need to be aware of when you are suffering in order to give yourself compassion at the time you need it. Thus we need to become more aware. Mindfulness refers to the skill of gaining awareness of what is going on with you. For our purposes, you must be mindful of your suffering. The sooner the better.
Being mindful is harder than it seems. It’s very easy to act out of what seems to be pure reason, when, in fact, you are acting out of fear, jealously, greed, etc.
Here are my tips on how to improve your mindfulness. (I actually skipped the Neff chapter on mindfulness because I’ve already been studying mindfulness meditation on my own for a while.)
-Pay attention to how your body reacts to different emotions. What muscles tighten, and in what part of the body? What happens to your breathing? What is your face doing? The body is a mirror of the mind, thus it is often more easy to figure out what is going on with the mind by examining the body. It’s surprisingly easy to get into the habit of watching the body. A way to practice this is to pay attention to the body as you are checking your Facebook or email, or just browsing. It’s pretty funny how seemingly trivial things will affect you. Experiment with other situations to check in with the body.
-Find a place where there is a lot of people walking around (like campus or at the gym). Fix your eyes on something in the distance and practice ignoring people walking in your line of vision. Focus your mind on the object in the distance. Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings that come up during this exercise, but don’t add to them. Five or 10 minutes a day of doing this has been shown to increase concentration and happiness throughout the day, so there’s another reason to do it!
-Walking meditation. When you are on a familiar path, such as walking to campus, focus your mind on your footsteps. Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings that come up during this exercise, but don’t add to it.
-Breathing meditation. Sit in a quiet place. Focus your mind on your breath (either at the nose, abdomen or chest). Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings that come up during this exercise, but don’t add to them. Btw, breath meditation has been shown to reduce stress levels, increase perception and concentration, and reduce or reverse age-related brain degeneration (and that starts at around 27 or so). So there’s another reason to do it. If you are really interested in mindfulness practice, I suggest the online book “Mindfulness in Plain English.”
It helps to plant mindfulness “triggers” into your life. For example, you might make a rule for yourself that before you touch your phone, you will be mindful of what’s going on with your mind and body. Alternatively, set your watch to beep every hour, and be mindful when it does.
Well, holy shit, I just wrote for like 2 hours here. I would normally be hating on myself for this, but instead (practicing self-compassion, lol) I realize than everyone goes a little overboard some times, and I’ll just remember to be more concise next time and maybe insert more links instead of writing so much
Anyway, I recommend the books, but I think I covered the core of the practice in this post.
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Q:
Thank you for this post.
I was wondering if you have experienced any drawbacks from practicing self-compassion. Have you had problems with self-motivation since you have been practicing self-compassion?
A:
I haven’t noticed any drawbacks or loss of motivation, however, perhaps that is simply because my inner critic is my #1 enemy and things could only get better once that is squelched. Other people may still have other issues that remain that impede their motivation to succeed.
Neff had a chapter on “Movtivation and Personal Growth,” where she specifically addresses the fear people have that self-compassion will just lead to laziness. She counters that notion by citing evidence that suggests self-compassion doesn’t hinder motivation, and may increase it.
“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks what’s good for you?” (p.165)
Furthermore, in her recommended exercises she simply extends her self-compassion framework to address the need to overcome counterproductive habits:
“What language would a wise and nurturing friend, parent, teacher or mentor use to gently point out how your behavior is unproductive, while simultaneously encouraging you to do something different?” (p.167)
So if you find that you have problems with motivation, try giving yourself a kind of pep talk that you might give a dear friend.
It’s funny because, at first, I thought the notion of giving a pep talk to oneself was kinda weird and artificial. But the thing is, our minds say so many bad things to us. So it makes sense to not just silence it, but to go the other way and say inspirational things.
So it’s not just about silencing the inner critic. It’s about transforming it into a friend and coach.
I like that. And I didn’t think about it that way until just now, so thanks for the question
. By the way, this line of thinking is consistent with Germer’s approach and loving-kindness meditation in general. You should be able to say to yourself something like,
“Just as everyone wants to be successful, I want to be successful. May I be successful, may my friends be successful, may my worst enemy be successful, may all people be successful.“
The emphasis on common humanity is important because it let’s you know that you are just as worthy of success as others, that you are not alone in your quest to be successful, and that your success is not contingent upon someone else’s failure or vice versa (and therefore don’t get into the comparison game).
So if you’re going to try the loving-kindness meditation, I strongly encourage you to throw in a line or two regarding success. It may be even better to include something more specific, such as “be a hard worker” or “be a prolific writer”, and to further tinker with the statement to suit your needs.
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(end)
However, compassion is the fruit of this bond that already exists. How will our minds understand this if we do not consciously approve of who already are by accepting our limitations, even if it is "narcissism"? At once we understand self, we begin to understand that the world is too sacred to change. We should bring our awareness to all of our attributes in order to better understand them.
With understanding, there is the power to be aware. The simplicity of awareness makes this possible. That which dissipates upon awareness is least likely to benefit us. But that which deepens with it, would be a virtue:
"Narcissism is a very unnecessary state of consciousness, for example. Either we are narcissistic or we are aware. If we are aware we see how unnecessary it is and it becomes a dull way to be. So, we bring our awareness to the joy we have to share, eventually, and try that instead."
Awareness has it, then, that narcissism never existed. It was just another cunning word, but this time to symbolize how much of an illusion is really is, like love and kindness.
Compassion and awareness are one. Together they are bonded by simplicity.
Prove that compassion is your so-called love. Love is a created idea as the flip side of hate, another created idea. They are both motivated to preclude each other. Your so-called love formally exploits the other by a pretty word. Moreover, prove that kindness exists in compassion. Kindness is a created idea as the flip side of cruelty. They are both motivated to preclude each other. We thrive on the idea of such a duality as worldlings. It is these paradoxical ideas that seek to refute each-other, but, only contradict themselves. They are subjective illusions that keep us attached in the world of "good" vs "evil". Love motivates kindness to use another as a means. How can using another be love? That is just a destructive action.
Loving kindness is just a clever slogan.
However, compassion is the word that symbolizes the energy that provides the ability to understand what benefits joy from the greater picture. It is not some sympathetic formality. It is literally its own essence in existence. Compassion has no motive at all. It is the simplicity of having the fulfillment to give, it is not concerned that the other needs. That is not the consideration of compassion. When you are so fulfilled, you overflow with what you have to share and true fulfillment showers upon all indiscriminately. Compassion is as unconditioned of a responce as breathing is.
However, compassion is neither kindness, nor the other way around. Kindness is driven by narcissism. When you are kind to somebody, you feel superior. Kindness to others has a kind of deep insult behind it. The ego delights in the other's humiliation. Kindness breeds anger. That is why it has nothing to do with compassion. It is a very worldly morality. It is as a business executive. They only display kindness because they would like exactly the same in return.
Compassion is not something that is coming from you, but kindness is. You are the one doing it. Compassion is something that existence does. It is not prevented, nothing gets in the way. Compassion is as the sun, you allow it to do whatever because it is an unstoppable force.
To understand compassion, we must practice forbearance during the times when simplicity is in most demand, as this is the source of being. Hence the supreme blessing we all know as mindfulness.
Deep peace to you Buddhajunkie, with great respect towards your inner light. SimpleWitness
Which part of my above posts do you disagree with?
2. Common Humanity. (This is a straight-forward application of “loving-kindness” meditation popular among Buddhists.)
"Loving kindness" see my post above.
3. Mindfulness You obviously need to be aware of when you are suffering in order to give yourself compassion at the time you need it. Thus we need to become more aware.
We do not GIVE ourselves
compassion. Compassion is not some sympathetic formality. Compassion is something that existence does. Compassion is its own essence. Our skill is to be the witness that allows compassion in by means of our awareness.
We do not need anything, let alone awareness. There is no need for awareness because awareness is what we as individual witnesses give to the self. Its part of us and it is one with compassion.
Mindfulness is Forbearance: When we bring our awareness to anything that we choose, the skill is to allow neither thoughts to interfere nor outside distractions to take our awareness away from it. It is also Compassion: it's its own essence in existence, an unstoppable force. By dismissing thoughts while bringing our awareness to a specific area we, as individual witnesses, allow compassion to take its course upon awareness. Mindfulness is also the simplicity as the source of being.
Thus, mindfulness is the blessings supreme: forbearance, compassion, and being. By this practice we find that elf loathing never existed.
These above posts are disagreeable because they make awareness, loving kindness, compassion, and mindfulness seem like mere formalities that are used to serve the author's self.
What is it about my post that do you not agree with, buddhajunkie?