On Relationships

gassho

http://www.tricycle.com/magazine/columns/relationships-no-gain

"To be in relationships is to feel our vulnerability in relation to other people who are unpredictable, and in circumstances that are intrinsically uncontrollable and unreliable."

We bump up against the fact of change and impermanence as soon as we acknowledge our feelings or needs for others. Basically, we all tend to go in one of two directions as a strategy for coping with that vulnerability. We either go in the direction of control or of autonomy. If we go for control, we may be saying: “If only I can get the other person or my friends or family to treat me the way I want, then I’ll be able to feel safe and secure. If only I had a guarantee that they’ll give me what I need, then I wouldn’t have to face uncertainty.” With this strategy, we get invested in the control and manipulation of others and in trying to use people as antidotes to our own anxiety."

"With the strategy (or curative fantasy) of autonomy, we go in the opposite direction and try to imagine that we don’t need anyone. But that strategy inevitably entails repression or dissociation, a denial of feeling. We may imagine that through spiritual practice we will get to a place where we won’t feel need, sexuality, anger, or dependency. Then, we imagine, we won’t be so tied into the vicissitudes of relationships. We try to squelch our feelings in order not to be vulnerable anymore, and we rationalize that dissociation under the lofty and spiritual-sounding word “detachment,” which ends up carrying a great deal of unacknowledged emotional baggage alongside its original, simpler meaning as the acceptance of impermanence."

"If we let ourselves feel more and more, paradoxically, we get less controlling and less reactive. As long as we think we shouldn’t feel something, as long as we are afraid of feeling vulnerable, our defenses will kick in to try to get life under control, to manipulate ourselves or other people. But instead of either controlling or sequestering our feelings, we can learn to both contain and feel them fully. That containment allows us to feel vulnerable or hurt without immediately erupting into anger; it allows us to feel neediness without clinging to the other person. We acknowledge our dependency."

Great read.

Dakini

"To be in relationships is to feel our vulnerability in relation to other people who are unpredictable, and in circumstances that are intrinsically uncontrollable and unreliable."

What an unbelievably negative take on relationship! This is where discernment comes in. One chooses one's partner carefully, one gets to know them gradually before getting too deeply involved, to eliminate the unreliability factor. "Uncontrollability" is an issue only for those on control trips. And who controls or sequesters their feelings? This is a strange article. I guess the author is deliberately focussing on samsaric relationships and their causes.

aMatt

He sounds like a codependent... more specifically, his teacher Charlotte sounds like a codependent who took a path of abandonment instead of recovery. I did not read the entire article, perhaps it is put into context.

Relationships do work if we are secure in our view, but open enough that we can relate to the other's view. And, some patience never hurts...

DhammaDhatu

What an unbelievably negative take on relationship!

Agree. Impression of gurus trolling for the $$$$$$$$ of vulnerable people.

In Buddhism, relationships fall into the sphere of morality or developing virtues.

taiyaki

Hm I didn't find it negative at all. If you read the whole article that was linked it is rather realistic and straightforward.
In relationships we do need to be vulnerable and that is hard for most of us. It take a great amount of love and acceptance, which the article is suggesting we cultivate.

aura

Yes, human relationships are all about helping one another grow (develop virtue).
Yes, without human relationships people don't grow (develop virtue).
Yes, everybody is here giving self and other the opportunity to grow (develop virtue).
Yes, vulnerability is difficult (and many people do try to escape it by trying to dominate/control others, and so their relationships blow up (each other, innocent bystanders, and the earth itself!))
Yes, developing right relationship with self, other, and the cosmos, (for the benefit of all!) is an essential goal and teaching of Buddhism.
Good article! Thanks!

Dakini

In relationships we do need to be vulnerable and that is hard for most of us. It take a great amount of love and acceptance, which the article is suggesting we cultivate.

Speak for yourself, Tai. This is one point I disagree on. I think it's the article author's problem.

federica

Being vulnerable in relationships is extremely dangerous. With the wrong person it can leave you in a weaker position and open to abuse. Vulnerability should be eradicated in a good relationship, not instilled.

taiyaki

i don't see vulnerability as a totally negative stance. i can see how it can be, but at the same time i can see how when we are willing to open up to our emotions and start a relationship it takes a bit of willingness to be vulnerable. well i am speaking from my own experience. for me relationships are all about freedom and control. that balance of respect and understanding of each other. opening up your emotions and how you feel about someone takes a lot of effort for me because i have had prior experiences which closed off such faculties. i see how an openness to share what i feel can bring about a vulnerability that is useful in that sense. its a healthy balance.

it's about being open to the whole experience of life. the good and the bad. accepting it all. and from the stance of the ego that is terribly vulnerable. but we cultivate acceptance and love and we can overcome anything. it takes a willingness to be a little vulnerable in relationships. you cannot control completely what the other does or feels. thus since you cling to that person on some level, suffering will come sooner or later. if we aren't vulnerable we wouldn't of been in this situation to begin with. we would hide away from the world and run away from life's suffering. how about we accept life's suffering and open up our hearts to it.

maybe i'm totally insane and deluded. but this article really hit home for me.

federica

Opening up your emotions still doesn't mean it's advisable to be vulnerable. you can demonstrate emotions without being vulnerable. Vulnerable emotions are week and needy. This is why relationships fail; because we become vulnerable to the manipulation - conscious, intentional or otherwise - the other person is exerting.
Suffering need not come sooner or later, if we understand what suffering is caused by.
We can be sad without 'suffering'.
we can be in situations without being vulnerable,.
Vulnerability didn't get us in the situation to begin with. A need, a desire a yearning to be in a relationship, did.
But that can be a healthy need/desire/yearning, or an unhealthy one.

aura

To be alive is to be vulnerable.
Spend a night alone on a mountaintop and it is soon appreciated and understood that vulnerability is the interdependence of all of life in this world.
The human being who understands and appreciates the vulnerability of all life in this world, including his own, practices gratitude and respect for all life in this world.
The human being who does not understand and appreciate the vulnerability of all life in this world, including his own, seeks to control this world.
"Relationship" is not the same thing as "romantic entanglement."

aMatt

Vulnerable emotions are week and needy.

I don't think this is a typical definition of vulnerable emotions. If you want to reconsider, perhaps notice that when we love others, we have a caring for what they see and feel. We open our soft spots to them, and let them walk on the tender grass, trusting them to be careful... to care for us.

We share our sorrows and our sensuality. It is not weak or needy, but real and heartfelt, and builds genuine intimacy.

DaltheJigsaw

Thanks for sharing.