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a question about loss
Hello,
I have lost loved ones, all in one year and now I am loosing another dear friend to cancer.
I feel over whelmed.
what are the teachings of the Buddha on something like this? And how should I deal with all this loss at one time?
I am learning >
Thanks Kimberly
I have lost loved ones, all in one year and now I am loosing another dear friend to cancer.
I feel over whelmed.
what are the teachings of the Buddha on something like this? And how should I deal with all this loss at one time?
I am learning >
Thanks Kimberly
0
Comments
The Buddha taught that everything is impermanent. Everything. Even your sorrow and sense of loss. Someone very wise once said "Everything comes to pass. Nothing comes to stay." So hold on because there will come a day when you are no longer overwhelmed by the grief of losing so many loved ones so quickly. What you are feeling right now is temporary. Keep reminding yourself of that.
Now, you probably already know that we learn from difficult experience. We learn virtually nothing from pleasant experience. So, here's a little trick I've used. (This doesn't have much of anything to do with Buddhism. I offer it here only because it has been a successful technique I have used in the past. There will be many here who will give you more about the Buddha's teachings. So stay tuned.)
First, see this situation for the teacher it can be. And the lesson it will be that will hold you in good stead for the rest of your life. Stand back from your present situation and pretend you are simply observing it unfold. You are not a part of it. You are separate and have no vested interest in the outcome. You are simply observing. You see yourself in all your grief. You are not feeling that grief as the observer, you are only watching it unfold. Now, ask yourself as the observer, why does the other me grieve? What am I grieving for? How long should I grieve? When will I give myself permission to end my grieving? Now picture the loved ones you have lost. Imagine that they are watching you. Ask yourself "Do they want me to grieve like this? How long would they wish me to put myself through this? Would they rather that I accept their passing sooner rather than later and move on to peace?"
Acceptance of the way things really are is Buddhism. Death and sorrow are part of reality. There is nothing we can do to stop death. Nothing. We can't turn back the clock. We can only accept the inevitable in the knowledge that our grief will diminish over time. And it will. We only have to allow it to diminish. Just as death is inevitable and natural, so is the diminishing of our grief. There will come a day when you will be able to let it go and you will move forward a stronger, more compassionate human being. As we get older, grief becomes an old friend who pops his head in once in a while (or many times, as is your case right now). As we get older we learn to welcome our friend, give him a place to stay and then allow him to leave when he wishes, not lock the door and prevent him from leaving.
My heart goes out to you in your grief and suffering. A good place to start with Buddha's teachings is at the beginning. Look up The Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path on the internet. And see where that takes you. Also, just page through this website. This is a wonderful resource and there is much comfort here.
We are with you. Ask any questions you want. And remember that you will not always be overwhelmed with grief. The clouds will part and the sun will come out again. Just hold on.
In sympathy and love,
Brigid.
I can only echo what Brigid has said to you, and comfort you...
let me give you further thoughts of mine:
You are not alone in your grief.
there are others, perhaps unknown to you, who also grieve for these people, so that it is a shared loss of many...
The Buddha taught a valuable lesson to a distraught Mother whose only child had died in her arms... she looked everywhere for someone to revive and cure the light and love of her life...
Eventually, someone suggested she visit the Buddha...
he promised he could do as she asked, providing she could bring him a small mustard seed from a home that had never known death....
Naturally, with renewed hope, she began to seek frantically... only to discover that every home she visited, ahd at one time or znother, known Death....
Then she understood;
it is inevitable, and to be expected.
What perhaps you may also consider is that in focussing inwardly on the pain and sorrow you justifiably feel, you may not be fully aware of the suffering of the person who is afflicted.... Their pain and discomfort at this moment is paramount, and it may not be a constructive situation for them to know or see that your grief for them is so great, that it impinges on how you can best be a comfort and support to them.....
Focus outwards for now.... manifest your emotions in a strong and constructive way.....
By helping, you re-channel productively, perhaps.....
Hugs, Kimberley....
May I also welcome you to our on-line community... Thank you for posting here.
I am sorry that your first post is one that communicates sadness... I hope for an improvement and beneficial change in your circumstances.
no worries...
I sympathise with you as everyone no doubt does after reading your simple but succinct post.
Buddha taught many things that relate to death and dying-if you will. But as Brigid said, Mostly the teaching is about Impermanence. Impermanent existence as we know it, but also impermanent happiness and (most importantly for you at this time,) Impermanent Sorrow.
We thankfully don't grieve forever-thats the beauty of Impermanence.
love and care to you
There's a lot of difference between losing loved ones one-at-a-time over long periods of time and losing many in a year and knowing that another death may be imminent. It would certainly have been less cruel if these deaths had been spread out over a longer period of time. One death is very hard, but I don't know what I'd do if I lost all my beautiful family at one time. I shudder at the very thought of the enormity of such loss.
I've tried to write "Buddhist" things, but found myself erasing, several times, all that I had written. The only thing I can say, for right now, is GO TO THE SCRIPTURES THEMSELVES. THEY WILL HELP, be they Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Bahai, or whatever. SCRIPTURE TENDS TO BE WRITTEN IN A WAY that lends itself to Beauty.
Truth that is not beautiful is not truth,
or, as Keats said in ODE ON A GRECIAN URN:
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty, --that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."
===
Unfortunately, that is the First Nible Truth:
"Now this, monks, is the Noble Truth of dukkha: Birth is dukkha, aging is dukkha, death is dukkha; sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, & despair are dukkha; association with the unbeloved is dukkha; separation from the loved is dukkha; not getting what is wanted is dukkha. In short, the five clinging-aggregates are dukkha."
As sad as it makes us that we are sometimes powerless to help those that need it, we must remember that this is only one of the Four Noble Truths. Life is not without hope, there is always hope. Life just isn't permanent. Our sadness arises when we grasp at those things that we love with no understanding that they will pass away. We should love, care, and support all the wonderful people in our lives, but we should also have wisdom enough to see that there is ageing, sickness, and eventually death. It is a very hard thing to be confronted with loss, but we must be. That is the nature of all conditioned dhammas (all things). Once there are no more conditions, there are no more dhammas.
The Buddha taught many different things to help many different people. One thing he taught was that when the body is sick, the mind does not necessarily have to be as well: Nakulapita Sutta
Another thing is, the best medicines for the body don't always work; here's one for the mind that does: Virecana Sutta
Here is a discourse that the Buddha taught on the ten perceptions that can heal body and mind: Girimananda Sutta
And finally, a collection of various teachings by the Buddha dealing with advice for aging, illness, death, and separation: Beyond Coping
Sometimes the very best thing we can do is just to be there with our love. I am not sure if any of this will help you, but it is the best that I can do.
You have my best wishes.
Jason
Dear Kimberly,
There aren't any rules. Try not to get sucked into the delusion that you should or shouldn't feel a certain way, that you should or shouldn't be a certain way, and be as gentle with yourself as you can. Being human means to know loss intimately, intimacy is often painful. There is no fault in being human, feeling pain and knowing loss, and there is no escape from that humanity.
Genryu
Other people are contented, enjoying the sacrificial feast of the ox.
In spring some go to the park, and climb the terrace,
But I alone am drifting, not knowing where I am.
Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.
Others have more than they need, but I alone have nothing.
I am a fool. Oh, yes! I am confused.
Others are clear and bright,
But I alone am dim and weak.
Others are sharp and clever,
But I alone am dull and stupid.
Oh, I drift like the waves of the sea,
Without direction, like the restless wind.
Everyone else is busy,
But I alone am aimless and depressed.
I am different.
I am nourished by the great mother.
- From the Tao Te Ching
Exactly... But you see, new members sometimes aren't able to find specific designated threads in which to post, so this is how different threads are created and evolve... And this to my mind encourages everyone to participate and engage....
That still does not mean that in principle I think your thread is a bad idea.
Nible.... *giggle!!*
I lost my mother 10 months ago, now I have her cats & caring for them has been the best way to deal with my mother passing > I love animals!
when I am talking to my friend, the one who has cancer I try to up lift her, I do not show my sorrow around her but sometimes when I am alone I feel sad that she is leaving > I know this is part of life but it gets hard sometimes > I first found Buddhism about 10 years ago when I was dealing with loosing a child and it gave me strength to carry on, Buddhism saved me in more ways then I can count > I am no master > I am just a believer and a believer in Buddha’s teachings and try every day to do my best. Peace & Love to you all > Kimberly
It is sad but true that, as we get older, deaths and departures seem to pile up. Indeed, I remmber one year, back in the '80s, when I attended 25 funerals in the same year - I was working with people living (and dying) with AIDS at the time. When All Souls' Day came round, we could hardly celebrate for tears.
And then, if we are lucky, our grandparents then our parents die - lucky because that is the normal course of events, but it still hurts. If we are unlucky, our children and our contemporaries pass.
There is, however, an aspect of mourning that is often missed: it is an essential component of love! Without loss and the sense of desolation that comes with it, we only scratch the surface of love. The Hollywood romance image of love is tripe: love is hard and hurts.
You may like to have a look at a wonderful book about the loss of a beloved person: A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. It helped me through the terrible time when, first, my beloved mother-in-law, then my wife, then my anam cara ('soul friend'/spiritual director) and, finally, my old dog all died within a few months of each other.
The monk wrote: "Man dies. Son dies. Grandson dies."
The king, startled, said: "That's not auspicious."
The monk, replied: "No, but it is the nature of things."
...
A rich man asked Zen master Sengai to write something for the continued prosperity of his family so that it might be treasured from generation to generation.
Sengai obtained a large sheet of paper and wrote: "Father dies, son dies, grandson dies."
The rich man became angry. "I asked you to write something for the happiness of my family! Why do you make such a joke as this?"
"No joke is intended," explained Sengai. "If before you yourself die you son should die, this would grieve you greatly. If your grandson should pass away before your son, both of you would be broken-hearted. If your family, generation after generation, passes away in the order I have named, it will be the natural course of life. I call this real prosperity."
I really can't add anything to what people have written but my experience. I lost my mother, twin sister, and best friend all within 5 years of each other. It seemed that I was barely over one and then someone else died. I like that it was said you don't have to do anything a certain way. Some days I cried, some I was very quiet, some I just wanted to scream. But it does get easier. Allow yourself to do what you need to do in order to get over things. Taking care of the cats is a good idea for you. Feel free to post as you need to.
This is how I recently handled the loss of my grandmother. I realized that all of her family being there, watching her die, and crying etc may have made her feel worse than she did. She knew what was coming and was ok with it but her family were constantly visiting. I know she loved us all being there but she could have dealt with a bit less negative emotion. She knew we loved her and that's all that needed to be.
Sorry to hear about your recent loss though Kimberly.
A very wise post.
There is no such thing as Buddhist insight you know Knitwitch. There is simply what works and what doesn't. Don't undervalue your contribution here.