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Had a dream I was slowly dying
Hawkins
Explorer
I had a dream that I requested being put to death by lethal injection. I wasn't tied down to any chair, I was just given the shot and had free roam to walk around the creepy room.
As soon as I was given the shot, all my loved ones (family, girlfriend) came in the room. As soon as I saw them I became very nervous and sad. Thinking what did I do? Why did I do that? I knew I was dying, and soon at that, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it at that point. I didn't want it anymore.
I felt my body given up. I was increasingly become more tired, and my muscles were slowly tensing up. (this felt like it was going on for hours.)
I felt like crying. I laid in my girlfriends arms feeling death slowly take me. As I started to drift in and out of this death-like sleep (sleep within the sleep) I suddenly woke up (in the dream.) My muscles loosened up, and that 'death is coming' dizziness went away. As it turned out, the needle was nothing more than a placebo. Needless to say, I literally woke up at that point. But I didn't wake up happy, I woke up depressed. Extremely sad. And I still am. It's still in my mind to this day, and that dream was a week ago.
I felt death as if it were real. I could still feel the physical and emotional effects of dying. Knowing you were about to be dead. Nothing anymore. And having the people you love around you. It's almost as if you want to stretch out to them and say "I'm not ready to leave!" But you can't. Because it's done. There's no yes or no.
How could such a dream have such an impact on me?
I feel like I literally experienced death.
It's funny, because I used to say we're going to die someday anyway, so enjoy the now. (I practice Zen.) But now I seem to see it from a whole new angle.
As soon as I was given the shot, all my loved ones (family, girlfriend) came in the room. As soon as I saw them I became very nervous and sad. Thinking what did I do? Why did I do that? I knew I was dying, and soon at that, but there was absolutely nothing I could do about it at that point. I didn't want it anymore.
I felt my body given up. I was increasingly become more tired, and my muscles were slowly tensing up. (this felt like it was going on for hours.)
I felt like crying. I laid in my girlfriends arms feeling death slowly take me. As I started to drift in and out of this death-like sleep (sleep within the sleep) I suddenly woke up (in the dream.) My muscles loosened up, and that 'death is coming' dizziness went away. As it turned out, the needle was nothing more than a placebo. Needless to say, I literally woke up at that point. But I didn't wake up happy, I woke up depressed. Extremely sad. And I still am. It's still in my mind to this day, and that dream was a week ago.
I felt death as if it were real. I could still feel the physical and emotional effects of dying. Knowing you were about to be dead. Nothing anymore. And having the people you love around you. It's almost as if you want to stretch out to them and say "I'm not ready to leave!" But you can't. Because it's done. There's no yes or no.
How could such a dream have such an impact on me?
I feel like I literally experienced death.
It's funny, because I used to say we're going to die someday anyway, so enjoy the now. (I practice Zen.) But now I seem to see it from a whole new angle.
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Anyway, it sent me on a spiritual search and that's what lead me to affirm myself in Buddhism. I feel like it is the one religion that prepares you for it. I'd be interested to hear about how you view and feel about death now.
by
Andrew Olendzki
© 2005–2011
Commentary to: Thig 10.1
After flowing-on for a hundred thousand ages, she evolved in this Buddha-era among gods and men in a poor family in Savatthi. Her name was Gotami-tissa, but because her body was very skinny she was called 'Skinny Gotami.' When she went to her husband's family, she was scorned [and called] 'daughter of a poor family.' Then she gave birth to a son, and with the arrival of the son she was treated with respect. But that son, running back and forth and running all around, while playing met his end. Because of this, sorrow-to-the-point-of-madness arose in her. She thought: "Before I was one who received only scorn, but starting from the time of the birth of my son I gained honor. These [relatives] will now try to take my son, in order to expose him outside [in the charnel ground]." Under the influence of her sorrow-to-the-point-of-madness, she took the dead corpse on her hip and wandered in the city from the door of one house to another [pleading]: "Give medicine to me for my son!" People reviled her, [saying] "What good is medicine?" She did not grasp what they were saying. And then a certain wise man, thinking "This woman has had her mind deranged by sorrow for her son; the ten-powered [Buddha] will know the medicine for her," said: "Mother, having approached the fully awakened one, ask about medicine for your son." She went to the vihara at the time of the teaching of dhamma and said, "Blessed One, give medicine to me for my son!" The master, seeing her situation, said, "Go, having entered the city, into whatever house has never before experienced any death, and take from them a mustard seed." "Very well, Sir." [she replied], and glad of mind she entered the city and came to the first house: "The master has called for a mustard seed in order to make medicine for my son. If this house has never before experienced any death, give me a mustard seed." "Who is able to count how many have died here?" "Then keep it. What use is that mustard seed to me?" And going to a second and a third house, her madness left her and her right mind was established — thanks to the power of the Buddha. She thought, "This is the way it will be in the entire city. By means of the Blessed One's compassion for my welfare, this will be what is seen." And having gained a sense of spiritual urgency from that, she went out and covered her son in the charnel ground. She uttered this verse: It's not just a truth for one village or town, Nor is it a truth for a single family. But for every world settled by gods [and men] This indeed is what is true — impermanence. And so saying, she went into the presence of the master. Then the master said to her, "Have you obtained, Gotami, the mustard seed?" "Finished, sir, is the matter of the mustard seed" she said. "You have indeed restored me." And the master then uttered this verse: A person with a mind that clings, Deranged, to sons or possessions, Is swept away by death that comes — Like mighty flood to sleeping town. At the conclusion of this verse, confirmed in the fruit of stream-entry, she asked the master [for permission] to go forth [into the homeless life]. The master allowed her to go forth. She gave homage to the master by bowing three times, went to join the community of nuns, and having gone forth, received her ordination. It was not long before, through the doing of deeds with careful attention, she caused her insight to grow... and she became an arahant.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/noncanon/comy/thiga-10-01-ao0.html
Its a mystery why you are depressed. To me its not such a mystery that you love your family and don't wish to lose them.
Even now, almost a month later I still think about it. Almost every night before I go to sleep I have a quick shiver with thought. Yishai - Since I created this thread my 2 year old dog passed away, and shortly after my friends dog died as well. Neither from natural causes.
The way I think about death and life has drastically changed since I had that dream. For one - (since I'm still trying to get used to the thought) I feel slightly paranoid. I feel like I ought to go to the doctor and make sure every organ is working the way it should. haha. I've noticed that life is a challenge. The people that have made it through enough to be old age, or die of natural causes, have seriously won the game.
Now in these days so many people pass away from anything. I could walk outside and get hit by a car right after typing this.
So now I look up to the older group. I feel like they've managed to slip by such high chances of painful deaths.
Get what I mean? It's slightly difficult to explain my new emotion.
Picture it like a difficult game. Beating the game without ever dying and re spawning, or losing "life points" especially on the most difficult mode. It's rare. And outstanding.
I just hope that I can stop fearing death soon. As I said, I still break down and get trapped in the thoughts.
This is how I see life and death:
We all die, some now, some later, some much later. If you can accept the coming of death, you can appreciate your life easily. Our death is certain. That's where we find compassion and happiness. That we have this life right now, a blessing. That we spend it being suffering and unsatisfied, a waste. Every moment becomes a beautiful gift in which we can be happy and experience the joy life offers. Why spend it any other way? We should fill ourselves up with happiness to the point where we overflow onto the world, creating happiness in others. Living this way allows us to die without regret because like you said, there is no do-over.
Do not regret, be fulfilled in every moment, find lasting happiness. That is the Buddhist way. Death is another part to this journey we are on. It is simply the next step. It may be the end, it may be the middle, it may be somewhere in between. All we know is what we have now, and we need to make it the best that we can.