I'm in need of relationship advice

ravkes

I've been with this girl for 11 months. I've known her for 9 years. We've had a small history of me generally avoiding her and her wanting to be in a relationship with me for about 2-3 years. I finally decided to see if it would work 11 months ago. However, it was all very weird for me.

I got into the relationship without really feeling anything for her. I just wanted to see if she could take me out of the depression that I was in because she seemed to run after me and love me a lot. However, quite the opposite happened. I have only been with her sexually and nobody else, so my confidence in that sector was already low. She has been with 2 other guys, and she made it a point to mention something about them everyday -- mainly the guy she was just in a relationship with for 6 months before me. So for the first half of the relationship, she'd mention something about the guy (where and how they had sex, places they went, things they did, how it was between them) something small everyday. So instead of this increasing my feelings for her they went the other way and I sank even further. She was also (and still sort of is) a little bit extra-friendly with guys, she flirts with them and what not. However, in the past 4 months she's stopped mentioning stuff about him. She has instead tried to be a bit closer to me and has shown me more respect. She is also a giving person (she gave me rides to my college it was a little bit out of her way, and she also helped me out when I was in a tough time financially)..

However, here's my dilemma now. I went away for work so I haven't seen her in 2.5 months, I'll be back in about a month. During this time apart - her feelings have grown stronger (she says she loves me) and all I can think about are all the times she mentioned that guy everyday for 6 months (she says it isn't a big deal but for me all those little things piled up and almost permanently hurt my ego). She is still also flirty with guys. Also, I came into the relationship without feelings for her - at that point I was emotionally confused and slightly insane because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. And it's starting to show now as my gut and my emotions are telling me that I was stupid/am stupid for being in this relationship. Because she was flirty, hurt me everyday despite the kind things she did by mentioning her ex-boyfriend everyday and I really don't have feelings for her deep down/sort of want to see what else is out there and rebuild my confidence with women.

However, on the other hand and here's where the dilemma comes in -- Even though she's done all these things, I almost feel obligated to be with her because she says she loves me and can't live without me and she does do nice things for me a lot of the time. Whenever I've broken up with her (these past few weeks I've been trying to phase it out to let her down easy) she tries hard to convince me to stay and I say OK because I'm so weak-minded.

So what do you think I should do? She's done things certain things to me in the past that have really hurt my confidence (I was already depressed with low confidence) and now she's saying that she's changed and doesn't flirt that much and won't hurt me and all this.. and it seems like it. However, I still can't shake the past and I'm unsure of my feelings with her.

Should I break up with her and keep it that way? Or should I keep trying to change my mind about her, wait until I get back and see if she's changed?

Thanks guys.

SherabDorje

Have you considered talking it over with her? If she's willing to stop being flirty with other guys, would you consider staying with it?

I don't see you saying much about having loving feelings for this woman. I guess my general impression is that you feel somewhat obligated to stay because she's changed her behavior a lot. Trying to change your mind about her might not hurt, but you don't express any strong feelings for her except maybe a sense of obligation because she helped you get through a rough patch.

You say specifically that you're asking for advice. My advice would be to tell her that you need your own time and space to sort out your feelings for her and then take it from there. My advice would be to stop being so weak-minded. You're not doing her a favor staying with her just because you're weak-minded about this.

Jeffrey

Unless you overcome the pain of your ego I don't see the relationship going anywhere. So it doesn't matter. Be free. Stay in the relationship for some nooky or whatever but just be free. You don't have to do or feel any certain thing. Cheer up. Laugh at the seriousness of it all. You'll never find the perfect sunset anyhow.

Jeffrey

I'd also add that if she is flirting with other guys while you are there not only is that disrespectful, but its likely she is cheating. If she's doing the flirting its a guarantee that guys have made advances on her whether you are around or not. All she has to do is give her phone number.

You can't be certain whats going on I would still stay with her if you are getting something out of the relationship. But don't think of the future. I wouldn't invest eggs in this basket.

Cinorjer

It's tough when it isn't going to work but you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. Look, if it just isn't there, it isn't there. If the chemistry was there, any of these things that bug you could be worked through.

You have a few choices, as usual. You can just ignore her, avoid her, refuse to take her calls. She'll eventually get the message. Or, you can try to talk to her, at least let her know it's nothing in particular, just you're not ready for such a relationship. Better now, than six months down the road of leading her on.

But don't get into a "So what is it that's wrong with me?" discussion and start listing what bugs you. That's not fair to her, and will only end up with her swearing to change and trying to be someone she's not for a doomed relationship. Some guys don't mind a little flirting behavior. And, you could have just told her long ago it bugs you when she talks about other guys and ask her not to do so. But we're guys, so if the sex is available, we tend to put up with a lot since arguments get in the way of nookie.

So it's really not her, it's just not clicking at your end, and you might give consideration to manning up and giving her "the talk". It sucks, because you do care about people and nobody wants confrontation when they care.

compassionate_warrior

My frank take: it sounds like it was an emotionally abusive relationship. What's to go back to? She sounds manipulative. You deserve and can do a lot better.

Jeffrey

Yup I concurr with cw. Mentioning sex with old boyfriend is a no no and a warning sign.

robot

This young woman is college age and has only been with 3 guys. She is also quite inexperienced. She deserves to be forgiven for for not realizing that it is wrong to talk about previous relationships. Also, she may not be totally aware of the effects of her flirting due to her inexperience. I don't think that she should be accused of being manipulative or abusive. She is a kid. If the feelings are not mutual and you don't think that she is likely to wind up being wife material, then move on. You both should have a chance to make a better match.

ravkes

I should man up. Earlier I could have used the flirt/harping on ex-boyfriends excuses to break up with her. Now she's changed a little bit, but on top of what she's done in the past my feelings are still all over the place. It's not fair to her or me to stay in this relationship if I can't get my feelings together.

Thanks.

SherabDorje

Sounds like you have a really truthful case for at least asking for time and space to think it over, if your feelings are still all over the place.

ravkes

So my feelings/mind are at a complete deadlock.

Not having strong feelings for her right now/she hurt me in the past/I don't really like her personality & friends/ Exploring other opportunities if they arise since I'm young VS. possibly gaining strong feelings for her based on current actions/ trying to see her good qualities/gaining an open mind/ being committed and the advantages that come with that

Let's see what wins out.. but looking at that it seems it's concrete reasons to break up vs. hopeful assumptions for staying together..

Breaking up seems like the more logical choice..

robot

When my ex and I started out, I did not have strong feelings for her but I felt that she was someone that I would grow to love and that she would make a good partner and mother. Although it all made good sense to me, she did not feel that her love was reciprocated because it wasn't. Later, as our family grew, as I predicted I began to fall

robot

When my ex and I started out, I did not have strong feelings for her but I felt that she was someone that I would grow to love and that she would make a good partner and mother. Although it all made good sense to me, she did not feel that her love was reciprocated because it wasn't. Later, as our family grew, as I predicted I began to fall

continued-more deeply in love with her. Sadly by then she had grown tired of feeling unloved and had given up hope. It dragged out for several more years before the inevitable break up. My conclusion: There is no substitute for heartfelt feelings when in relationship.

ravkes

Yeah my feelings have felt really forced.. No wonder I'm all mind fuc***.. Constantly trying to use my mind to convince myself that I love her haha.. how insane.. love just happens.. if it's not there it isn't there.. no point trying to justify things.

Vincenzi

you cann't chose who you fall in love with... and you cann't force it either.

my advice will be to seriously considering breaking up.

AMH

I would look at this as one version of 'idiot compassion', as harsh as that sounds. You don't want to hurt her but by not feeling really passionate about this may also hurt her. So honesty totally up front, tell her what you are feeling but decided ahead of time if you are breaking it off and then just do it (or don't if you decide ahead of time). But don't let the idea that you don't want to hurt her rule the decision.

You really cannot choose who to love. Oh dear. I should tell you that my boyfriend and I are quite a couple. He went to Baptist seminary in Texas, I am Buddhist with a background in independant Catholic and Orthodox churches. But I must say that he treats me and my ideas with so much respect, and I do for him, that it is still working after a year. We share common values in how much we care for our family and how we treat others which goes a looong way. Plus it is no small issue that my children and parents and sister all really like him. I value that much more in my 40's than I did before. In any case there is a real passion and a willingness to be together even when we are different.

ravkes

lol idiot compassion, sounds about right.

Vincenzi

"one thing is to be a gentleman, and the other is to be dumb"

(one of my sayings)

ravkes

true, i broke up with her - so it's all good..

MamaLotus

I got into the relationship without really feeling anything for her. I just wanted to see if she could take me out of the depression that I was in because she seemed to run after me and love me a lot.

No criticism intended, Ravkes... But right there it was a very bad start... When you start a relationship with a girlfriend hoping to use her as a remedy against your depression, chances are it is not going to work out.... Better luck next time!!

ravkes

You know what sucks though.

When you feel like crap because you know you broke her heart, and knowing deep down that the only way you can make her feel better is if you love her and you can't do that no matter how hard you try.