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The Guilt Thing
I have a problem. Last year my friend and I both broke up with our respective partners. While she managed to find ways to cope, I went the other way and turned into a complete prat. My behaviour ended up hurting my friend and, for a few months, we stopped talking.
Things are a lot better now. We have both found new partners and are happy. We are still friends and she assures me that last year was 'water under the bridge' and all forgiven but I still feel shame for my actions and guilt for hurting her.
What is the best way to deal with this? Do I try to raise the subject again and talk it through with her, try to explain what I was going through and why I behaved that way, or do I keep my mouth shut and pretend it never happened.
As usual, any advice gratefully received with thanks.
Things are a lot better now. We have both found new partners and are happy. We are still friends and she assures me that last year was 'water under the bridge' and all forgiven but I still feel shame for my actions and guilt for hurting her.
What is the best way to deal with this? Do I try to raise the subject again and talk it through with her, try to explain what I was going through and why I behaved that way, or do I keep my mouth shut and pretend it never happened.
As usual, any advice gratefully received with thanks.
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Comments
Primarily, and again I'm speaking from my own experience, its more difficult to forgive myself than others. In the end though, I think its important to do this (forgive yourself) in order to let go of the idea that one is perfect, or at least incapable of the transgression your dealing with.
Perhaps speaking with your friend and telling her that you trust that she is being upfront with you about her forgiveness and that you're faith in that is part of the way you are working on forgiving yourself would put you back on track.
Don't wallow. Just accept what happened, realize the causes, make any needed amends and move on. Guilt really doesn't accomplish anything. (I think I find myself saying this to myself just as much as to anyone else
As well as the good advice you've just been given, sit:
Meditation - The Seat of Enlightenment
Not while you are meditating, but take the time to look at the situation, what the factors were, what made you do what you did.
Like NotMe said, I think that sometimes guilt is our ego being damaged and us not wanting to face our past actions.
As much as I hate having my ego bruised - our egos, our sense of "self" what our mental image gets in the way of a lot of learning. I think it's a good idea to bruise our ego as much as possible. Recognizing what we've done - making amends for what we've done - learning from what we've done. Changing or removing those attachments, ego, labels - and allowing our internal Buddha grow.
Sometimes, as humans, we find all sort of ways to justify what we've done because of "they did this to me!". And there are various teachings of Buddha (or stories of Buddha) where he still showed compassion and kindness to those that had done him wrong.
I think you're recognition is a wonderful first step. Just don't let guilt bog you down as you are learning. Not to say that we have no conscience of the wrong we do - but let our journey on the path provide us with the tools BEFORE we do acts that we may regret later.
-bf
Regret is a good thing if it's allowed to be impermanent. I think maybe the struggle comes about because we feel regret for our part in the situation and then we feel ashamed of ourselves for having to go through this learning process at all. But it's just a tweak, a little shove back into the right direction. It's useful and valuable if we use it properly. Regret, acknowledge, apologize and don't do it again. This is a beautiful process and the only way we learn. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. You don't have to feel ashamed just because you had to go through it. We all do. When we're wallowing in regret and are unable to forgive ourselves it's an ego issue. We're thinking we should have known better. Well, we DO know better. But in a world of distractions we simply need to be reminded. That's all. There is no shame in that.
Perhaps I will, but a bit later. I must be off to work, and tomorrow I am catching a plane to visit my family in Michigan. I will say that mettabhavana (loving-kindness meditation) is a very, very beneficial practice. It develops compassion and patience towards others as well as ourselves. I'll try to post more when I can. Sorry to leave you all hanging.
Jason
From personal experience, Id say raise the subject and talk it through. I say this because a friend recently hurt me deeply and acted like nothing happened.
Thats just my observation. Only you know her and how she thinks, do what you feel is best..
Absolutely Hope - only YOU know your friend. Some people's way of dealing with unpleasantness is to shut it out and pretend it never happened. Forgive and forget. If that is your friend's way of thinking then bringing up the subject might be the worst thing you could do.
If you make an oblique reference to "that time when we .... " and watch the friend's reaction carefully, you will get an idea whether the subject is closed as far as they are concerned or if they would be willing to talk about it.
I won't say what I'd do in the circumstances because I am not you and your friend isn't my friend - it's one of those bum situations where we all have to work it out for ourselves. But I do wish you peace and contentment with your friend, if that is of any comfort.