Anger Is A Commonly Discussed Topic

AllbuddhaBound

I thought some research on anger and ways to deal with it would be very useful.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43725125/ns/today-today_health/t/jerk-venting-may-make-you-feel-worse/?GT1=43001

I know a common myth about anger is that we need to vent it. Not the Buddhist way at all. What they have found that works are much more in line with Buddhist thinking.

Diane

I just finished 'venting' or sharing a situation with my daughter that actually created more suffering for us both, as she was hurt that my feelings were hurt. Now I feel badly that she felt badly. And so the karmic cycle continues. Although I didn't use the word 'angry' or 'anger', I was experiencing pain which is the true cause of anger. So I see it as the same. If I had thought of the situation in a positive light, there would have been no suffering created. I think this has been yet another valuable life lesson. Now if I could just not forget the lesson!

Dandelion

I used to be oh so passive. Then I got to my mid 20's and decided to let my rage be known when I felt someone had done something horrible :rarr: What a revelation is has been to see just what a temper I can have! Now, age 30, i'm a bit lost. Giving way to rage seems to make things worse, but of course the fear is that if one doesn't stand up for themselves they risk ending up in situations where they are taken advantage of - something i'm currently experiencing in my job. So far, i'm remaining VERY calm, and have decided to look for another job where the manager is not a heavy drinker. Till then, I'll plod on and continue to try to 'let it wash over me' and not focus on his erratic behaviour. It's not easy though, especially as I can see other people around him being bullied. It's times like this I wonder what on earth to do, as it doesn't just affect me, but others too and it's upsetting. I doubt getting angry at him would help, it would fuel his already erratic behaviour, but it's so tempting to 'have my say'! I'm really hoping that as I become more familiar with Buddhism I will find a better way of dealing with unpleasant situations, and also be less bothered by them. It's always a work in progress isn't it. Thanks for the link, I shall have a nose...
Dandelion

Dandelion

I'm definitely falling into the 'withdrawing' camp that the article mentions right now with the work situation....

Still_Waters

I used to be oh so passive. Then I got to my mid 20's and decided to let my rage be known when I felt someone had done something horrible :rarr: What a revelation is has been to see just what a temper I can have! Now, age 30, i'm a bit lost. Giving way to rage seems to make things worse, but of course the fear is that if one doesn't stand up for themselves they risk ending up in situations where they are taken advantage of - something i'm currently experiencing in my job.

Why associate standing up for yourself with losing your temper? You don't have to accept being a doormat as the price for being calm. You can effectively stand up for yourself and for others who are being treated unfairly by being assertive instead of aggressive or belligerent. For more on this, take a look at this brief article from mayoclinic.com:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042

Alan

DaltheJigsaw

Thank you!
Great thread!

Dandelion

I used to be oh so passive. Then I got to my mid 20's and decided to let my rage be known when I felt someone had done something horrible :rarr: What a revelation is has been to see just what a temper I can have! Now, age 30, i'm a bit lost. Giving way to rage seems to make things worse, but of course the fear is that if one doesn't stand up for themselves they risk ending up in situations where they are taken advantage of - something i'm currently experiencing in my job.

Why associate standing up for yourself with losing your temper? You don't have to accept being a doormat as the price for being calm. You can effectively stand up for yourself and for others who are being treated unfairly by being assertive instead of aggressive or belligerent. For more on this, take a look at this brief article from mayoclinic.com

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/assertive/SR00042

Alan

Hi Alan.
I haven't found that middle ground yet. I used to be very passive (doormat is actually more accurate) and then went the opposite way. Being calmly assertive is something I need to learn, it is something that for some reason, completely eludes me. Thanks for the link to the article, I will take a look. Are there any good books about Buddhism and asserting oneself healthily? I think it is a type of behaviour which is so unnatural and almost alien to me that I need to 'learn' it, if that makes sense.

AllbuddhaBound

There is an interesting approach to dealing with temper in a book by Stosney entitled Love Without Hurt. It involves reframing by focusing on your own values, and self-compassion as well as compassion for others. Very effective approach to dealing with anger. If you practice it, it can get you to that place of calmness and it is very consistent with Buddhist teachings.

KarmaDondrupTashi

"Positive reframing". Hehe - makes me angry.

Still_Waters

I haven't found that middle ground yet. I used to be very passive (doormat is actually more accurate) and then went the opposite way. Being calmly assertive is something I need to learn, it is something that for some reason, completely eludes me. Thanks for the link to the article, I will take a look. Are there any good books about Buddhism and asserting oneself healthily? I think it is a type of behaviour which is so unnatural and almost alien to me that I need to 'learn' it, if that makes sense.

I can't recall any specifically Buddhist books dealing with assertiveness. Buddhism is certainly beneficial in cultivating inner calm (one of the Four Heavenly Abodes), which provides a useful foundation for assertiveness, but assertiveness itself requires a specific skill set. Here is a short list of classic books on the topic:

http://www.selfesteemawareness.com/assertiveness-learn-skills-reading.htm

I personally have only read "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty." It's widely regarded as one of the best books on assertiveness and I have found it to be immensely useful myself. You can find an extended preview of the book at Google Books:

http://books.google.com/books?id=p0GPk5dPX0MC&printsec=frontcover&dq=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty&hl=en&src=bmrr&ei=KGAkTpLXAo_CsAOD3MVN&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDQQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

Alan

Vincenzi

(...)

Hi Alan.
I haven't found that middle ground yet. I used to be very passive (doormat is actually more accurate) and then went the opposite way. Being calmly assertive is something I need to learn, it is something that for some reason, completely eludes me. Thanks for the link to the article, I will take a look. Are there any good books about Buddhism and asserting oneself healthily? I think it is a type of behaviour which is so unnatural and almost alien to me that I need to 'learn' it, if that makes sense.

he... beware the nice ones

Dandelion

(...)

Hi Alan.
I haven't found that middle ground yet. I used to be very passive (doormat is actually more accurate) and then went the opposite way. Being calmly assertive is something I need to learn, it is something that for some reason, completely eludes me. Thanks for the link to the article, I will take a look. Are there any good books about Buddhism and asserting oneself healthily? I think it is a type of behaviour which is so unnatural and almost alien to me that I need to 'learn' it, if that makes sense.

he... beware the nice ones

What do you mean Vincenzi?

Dandelion

I haven't found that middle ground yet. I used to be very passive (doormat is actually more accurate) and then went the opposite way. Being calmly assertive is something I need to learn, it is something that for some reason, completely eludes me. Thanks for the link to the article, I will take a look. Are there any good books about Buddhism and asserting oneself healthily? I think it is a type of behaviour which is so unnatural and almost alien to me that I need to 'learn' it, if that makes sense.

I can't recall any specifically Buddhist books dealing with assertiveness. Buddhism is certainly beneficial in cultivating inner calm (one of the Four Heavenly Abodes), which provides a useful foundation for assertiveness, but assertiveness itself requires a specific skill set. Here is a short list of classic books on the topic:

http://www.selfesteemawareness.com/assertiveness-learn-skills-reading.htm

I personally have only read "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty." It's widely regarded as one of the best books on assertiveness and I have found it to be immensely useful myself. You can find an extended preview of the book at Google Books:

http://books.google.com/books?id=p0GPk5dPX0MC&printsec=frontcover&dq=when+i+say+no+i+feel+guilty&hl=en&src=bmrr&ei=KGAkTpLXAo_CsAOD3MVN&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDQQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

Alan

Thankyou for the book recommendation and links

Jeffrey

Anger by Thubten Chodron

Vincenzi

@Dandelion

did you read the link? It is about when calm people get angry, really angry.

Dandelion

@Dandelion

did you read the link? It is about when calm people get angry, really angry.

Sorry Vincenzi, it would seem I was having another of my 'ginger moments' - I didn't realise I had to click on the words
:banghead: ....
that article made me chuckle!
My anger first exploded age 26, and it was directed at a family member. My father had recently passed away, and a member of the family from that side of the family had upset my sister far too many times. She was 'disliked' by them because she wasn't my father's child by blood. I just couldn't take hearing my sister still being upset by nasty things they were saying, along with dealing with the grief. It was a phone call from my sister that tipped me over the edge, and the other relative felt my wrath. I felt the sides of my head pulsating in a way I have never experienced before, and thankfully have not experienced that since. They didn't want her receiving money he had left her in his will, because she 'wasn't really his', although he brought her up from the age of 2. I don't ever want to lose my temper like that again, i'm not proud of it, and hope never to allow myself to get that angry again, and deal with things better. I haven't reached the point of being able to deal with things how a buddhist would advise, but I can recognise when I need to walk away from a situation before escalating it further, so there is an improvement, although lately it has resulted in me going into 'doormat' mode again which is what I used to do when I was younger. I'll get there in the end though I hope, just got to be patient with oneself and plod on. Sometimes I think we get angry because we're taking on other people's problems and end up feeling like we have to solve everything for everyone because we actually do care, and it's important to remember that whilst we're responsible for how we behave, we're not responsible for how other's behave. When I think of anger in those terms, it puts things into a much better perspective for me. If I could go back in time, I would have dealt with the above incident very differently, but we live and learn, as they say.

Vincenzi

@Dandelion

he, TV Tropes is a fun website... but can become a time sink so beware!

I got trapped in anger... some years ago. I'm glad that I have not felt anger nor hatred anymore (just mistrust, if I was hurt by someone).

My only advice is to open any issue openly, before it is too late... and never, ever... vent, the anger will then just fuel itself... in my case, it was like a loop of anger and misanthropy (I was emotionally and probably pranically/energically overwhelmed).

AllbuddhaBound

It can be difficult for people to let go of the idea that venting is useful. They still teach it in many approaches.