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What does Buddhism think of dissolving relationships with people...
Dandelion
London Veteran
that we consider no longer to be healthy relationships? I mean all kinds of relationships.. relationships with family members, friends, ex work colleagues etc etc. Is this viewed in a negative light for not working at the relationship, or does it depend upon the circumstance? If the only way to end a pattern of negative behaviour from another person is to dissolve the relationship is this seen as a positive thing for a human being to do in the eyes of Buddhism?
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Then I tried to explain myself, and instead of hiding my opinion said something personal which wasn't intended to hurt, but to point out the tedious pattern of conversation. I was so sick of treading on eggshells just to avoid having to say what I had observed over the years, but communicating this was useless. I just wanted to get it out in the open.
At this point I got accused of being arrogant, of being insulting, of attacking my friend. I left it there, no ground had been covered, the same stalemate had been reached and I went on a walk.
As I walked on, I could not control my temper at all. The day was already a gloomy one, now it was twice as bad, and I was furious.
Deciding I wasn't going to stand for this any longer, I stood up for myself and told him that it was wrong of him to falsely accuse me of all those things. If anything, he was the one that started slinging mud, and I was the one that should be offended. Whereas before he was quite vocal on the matter speaking up,
he played dumb, which further annoyed me. I said that if he still didn't understand then there wasn't anything more to say, at this he took that as a sign to 'call it quits'. I didn't ask what that meant at the time but apparently that means striking me off a 'friends' list.
So having a heated exchange with someone I've known for years is enough to break contact. Nope, wasn't worth talking about it, or calming down, just plain old good enough reason to forget it.
I've racked my brain trying to work out how I'm the bad guy in all this. To be honest I'm not sure if I do want to sort it out, but how do you say to someone I get the impression you're the one with a bad attitude and it really gets my goat when you turn your nose up at me, and other people in general. It's too frustrating, and there are so many personal issues that block communication.
@ownerof1000oddsocks
You tried to offer advice, which was not accepted. You tried to drop it, but then explained yourself (that's not dropping it). This caused further irritation. Then you got angry and turned it on them, causing even more pain.
Some people don't want advice. They just want to be listened to. Some people don't want realistic advice. They just need hope.
A wise man knows what to say, and sometimes that means saying nothing at all.
I had a similar experience with a friend. He came to me complaining about loneliness and missed opportunities. I tried to give advice to stop thinking about them and be happy with what he has. This, to him, felt like ridicule. I was somewhat offended by him accusing me of ridiculing him when I tried to help. Luckily, my girlfriend was there to correct me in approaching this friend. I had always been there to listen to him. He thinks I have made it far in life while he remains behind. Thus, my position to him is superior and advice from me is condescending.
Needless to say, I changed my tone, apologized, and took a more understanding approach. This led to him being happier with his current situation and saved a huge fight in a relationship.
Your friend could very well be me. I feel as though I am in a similar position, and in some respects my friend is much further, that is, going places career wise, has money very technical minded, lots of skill, sensitivity and intelligence. I don't mind at all that he speaks or offers advice because I know that he's a very intelligent person. Although I sense sometimes that he uses his intelligence for no good, for example, if he wants to create a distraction or deliberately baffle or obstruct conversation. Rather than using intelligence as a tool to further truth, it's used to confuse and avoid anything 'person' related. More than once I've fallen into the trap being awestruck by the intellectual web, and yet sensing that I've just been fooled into submission.
The final conversation I had last night was brewing for a while, and in a way needed to come out in the open, after a long spell of brooding and self searching just to try and be sure it wasn't really me that was being highly unfair or stubborn and possibly corrupt myself.
I know it's not an excuse but when someone else just oozes disdain and snobbery essentially thinking of me and my family as a joke, I wonder, why I should put up with this? Anyway, I guess I've already been cut off to an extent. Too much to ask to expect someone to grow. I've requested some measure of humility. I can no longer stand driving down the road with his angry self complaining about all the morons he encounters. The hypocrisy is too much and I'm too impatient and unwise to deal with it effectively.
Spiny
I know exactly the type of people you refer to. They are narcissistic about their intelligence. They like to constantly self-gratify themselves on being more intelligent than others in any way possible.
I was valedictorian of my high-school, considered genius by most (I'm nothing near it, haha). However, I never used my intellect as a weapon to harm others. Intelligence is a gift not to be used to belittle others but to guide them toward the truth.
I know many many intelligent people who use their intellect to purposefully belittle others, confound, confuse, and irritate. Some people do it by using obnoxiously long words, some do it by pointing out grammatical flaws, and some people do it by just going directly for the throat and calling someone stupid/retarded/idiotic/etc.
I know that most people who do this grew up with nothing to stand on other than intelligence. It's their pride. When we learn about self-esteem, we learn to pronounce our strengths. After a time, the only way most people can do this is to pronounce others' weaknesses.
Sometimes it helps to point out exactly what that person is doing. They may not even notice they are doing it. Then again, you run the risk of them turning on you. It is definitely a difficult situation.
If you want out of these relationships though, we should do it painlessly.
If I free myself from the reactive evaluation that the behavior is negative and the relationship is bad, then I can see the gift it has to offer.
Of course, the Buddha did say that if someone comes to my house offering a gift of negativity or anger or violence I am free to cheerfully refuse the gift and send the giver home.