Friendship,Buddhism, and non-attachment.

white_wolf

I have a question regarding friendship and non-attachment. Is it considered wrong or bad in Buddhism to have friends you really care about since Buddhism teaches we shouldn't be attached? For example I love my best friend and I'd hate it if we stopped being friends or something happened to him. I guess my question is what is the Buddhist response to this situation.

taiyaki

buddhism gives you wisdom. what you do with that wisdom is up to you.
i have lots of friends who i love and it would suck if they didn't like me or insert anything that i view as sucky.
it's important to understand that things are impermanent, meaning your friend will die, but this should be interpreted positively. by this i mean i appreciate every single moment i have with my friends and if something i do bothers them, then i am quick to apologize.

also people are subject to change, so there is a potentiality that such people move away from you. again you can interpret that negatively or you can really just see how things are. up to you.

buddhism teaches non attachment coming from the vantage point of wisdom. wisdom is generally accepting. meaning you negate something, then you negate the negating of that something. so buddhism may seem anti life but in actually it is very life affirming, but first grounded in realism.

attach all you want, just attach with wisdom & compassion to yourself and others.

santhisouk

I have read some Buddhist texts somewhere a long time ago, but I can't seem to remember where exactly, it said that if you meet an older woman who is old enough to be your mother, than you should have enough respect for her as your own mother. If you meet an older gentleman who is old enough to be your father, than you should have enough respect him as your own father. The same goes for younger people as younger brother and sisters.

I realize that this type of morality does not fit in modern society, but to me it does show that Buddhism originally tries goes beyond friendship. Buddhism originally teaches people that we should love and respect each other as a family. I am one of those that does not have a problem with having compassion, love and respect for someone I just barely met, but at the same time I am cautious of those that do not practice this type of compassion.:)

with metta

Jeffrey

Attached does not mean affectionate towards. If you are attached then that attachment causes suffering even while they are here. For example if they disagree with you or dissapoint somehow you get very angry.

Talisman

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn45/sn45.002.than.html

Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life.

SN 45.2

Talisman

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalyāṇa-mittatā

Talisman

There are these four qualities, TigerPaw, that lead to a lay person's happiness and well-being in this life. Which four? Being consummate in initiative, being consummate in vigilance, admirable friendship, and maintaining one's livelihood in tune.

AN 8.54

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an08/an08.054.than.html

zenff

In addition to the good things said already:

Non-attachment does not equal rejection.
There’s no need for us to chase our friends away because we are - or may get - attached to them.

I don’t know where I picked up the image but is something like this.
When you grab a hand full of sand in your fist, the sand will run through your fingers.
When you put some sand on an open hand (palm up) the sand stays even though you are not holding on tot it.

That’s the way of non-attachment. You keep your hand open.
In the case of friendship this means that your concern is to be a good friend.
You don’t ever “have” a friend but you always are a friend.

Being a good friend includes giving your friend the freedom and the space to choose his own path in life. So when he feels he has to go you just wish him all the best.

Jeffrey

Z i iz AlZ EloNe

puzzle













see i iz all alone -> ZAZEN

justbe

@zenff I like the analogy and the answer. This is something that perplexes me as well

goshiki

In our current world , I love my daughter with all my life and will kill anyone that hurt her , that is me okey in this world as I am full of "rubbish" and still very far from purity but in Buddha , is all about same and equal .We should care the robber that rob us same love that we give our children , love cancer virus same care as ourlife .....thats is the path of buddhism .
in Buddha , there are no relationship and even our own body is not own by us . nothing is connected ...is all same and equal ....is all in pure emptiness .

Jeffrey

there are relationships. rubish isn't real. love is.

goshiki

Just my crazy note to share as In Buddhism teaching is never existed . In purity there is no good or bad , no true or false , no love or hate , no relationship , not even own self . Everything is same and equal.......

taiyaki

even same and equal isn't assertable, but then all is valid.

Still_Waters

Non-attachment does not equal rejection.
There’s no need for us to chase our friends away because we are - or may get - attached to them.

I don’t know where I picked up the image but is something like this.
When you grab a hand full of sand in your fist, the sand will run through your fingers.
When you put some sand on an open hand (palm up) the sand stays even though you are not holding on tot it.

That’s the way of non-attachment. You keep your hand open.
In the case of friendship this means that your concern is to be a good friend.
You don’t ever “have” a friend but you always are a friend.

Being a good friend includes giving your friend the freedom and the space to choose his own path in life. So when he feels he has to go you just wish him all the best.

I agree with this completely. I believe that non-attachment in relationships means caring without the need to control or cling to another. If I physically grab you, attaching myself to you, I am restraining you, preventing you from moving freely as you will. In the same way, when you clutch at someone with your mind, that leads to the desire to control them, to restrict their ability to make their own choices and live their own life.

When you open your hand - not clinging, not attaching - you are respecting the right of the person you care for to make their own choices, right or wrong, and to live their life as they see fit. Non-attachment in this sense is the same as unconditional love.

Alan