Facing forgiveness

ClayTheScribe

So I'm pretty new to Buddhism, but I'm dealing with a situation and I'm not quite sure how to face it. I've always been pretty good at forgiving, but I want to forgive people faster. A friend from high school is getting married this weekend and because I couldn't afford the tux rental, he said he'd pay it for me. I called him to tell him where to call to make the last payment. He calls me back and said the guy on the phone was rude to him. Then says "He sounded black." I just let it go and said "OK." Then he said, "I work in Aurora now so I have to deal with them all the time." I'm half black, half white. I live in Aurora. The city has a large black population. At first I was just shocked so I didn't say anything and ended the call. But then a few hours later, I felt myself feeling really offended and angry. Now the compassionate part of me immediately said "OK, he was angry and he's probably really stressed out about the wedding." But then I thought back to how he's said racist things in the past and I just let it go. I'm not super close to this friend as I was in high school. So I feel still angry. I don't want him as a friend anymore, not just because of what he said, but because we don't have that much in common anymore and I don't even think his fiance likes me. But how can I move past my anger and forgive him, at least in my heart? And should I still try to pursue a friendship with him or is it ethical for me to just stop talking to him and hanging out with him after the wedding?

DhammaDhatu

greetings Clay

Your friend has racial prejudice. The Buddha taught there are four kinds of prejudice (agati), namely, prejudice due to love, due to hate, due to ignorance and due to fear and this prejudice is a harmful & dangerous quality for the one who possesses it.

So the Buddha taught one should abide with compassion & concern for the welfare of a person with a mind diseased with prejudice.

If your friend has a physical disease, such as cancer, how would you feel towards him? Then why should you feel differently towards a friend with the psychological disease of prejudice?

Obviously your friend still feels friendship & trust towards you. You are in a position to help your friend amend his unskilful & harmful mental qualities. If you do so, at an appropriate time, and he does not approve, then possibly he will end your friendship.

The Buddha delineated 'false friends' and 'true friends'. He suggested it is best associate with true friends. This choice is ours to make.

Kind regards

DD

These four, young householder, should be understood as foes in the guise of friends:

(1) he who appropriates a friend's possessions,
(2) he who renders lip-service,
(3) he who flatters,
(4) he who brings ruin.

(1) "In four ways, young householder, should one who appropriates be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:

(i) he appropriates his friend's wealth,
(ii) he gives little and asks much,
(iii) he does his duty out of fear,
(iv) he associates for his own advantage.

(2) "In four ways, young householder, should one who renders lip-service be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:

(i) he makes friendly profession as regards the past,
(ii) he makes friendly profession as regards the future,
(iii) he tries to gain one's favor by empty words,
(iv) when opportunity for service has arisen, he expresses his inability.

(3) "In four ways, young householder, should one who flatters be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:

(i) he approves of his friend's evil deeds,
(ii) he disapproves his friend's good deeds,
(iii) he praises him in his presence,
(iv) he speaks ill of him in his absence.

(4) "In four ways, young householder, should one who brings ruin be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:

(i) he is a companion in indulging in intoxicants that cause
infatuation and heedlessness,
(ii) he is a companion in sauntering in streets at unseemly hours,
(iii) he is a companion in frequenting theatrical shows,
(iv) he is a companion in indulging in gambling which causes heedlessness."

Thus spoke the Exalted One. And when the Master had thus spoken, he spoke yet again:

The friend who appropriates,
the friend who renders lip-service,
the friend that flatters,
the friend who brings ruin,
these four as enemies the wise behold,
avoid them from afar as paths of peril.

"These four, young householder, should be understood as warm-hearted friends:

(1) he who is a helpmate,
(2) he who is the same in happiness and sorrow,
(3) he who gives good counsel,
(4) he who sympathises.

(1) "In four ways, young householder, should a helpmate be understood as a warm-hearted friend:

(i) he guards the heedless,
(ii) he protects the wealth of the heedless,
(iii) he becomes a refuge when you are in danger,
(iv) when there are commitments he provides you with double the
supply needed.

(2) "In four ways, young householder, should one who is the same in happiness and sorrow be understood as a warm-hearted friend:

(i) he reveals his secrets,
(ii) he conceals one's own secrets,
(iii) in misfortune he does not forsake one,
(iv) his life even he sacrifices for one's sake.

(3) "In four ways, young householder, should one who gives good counsel be understood as a warm-hearted friend:

(i) he restrains one from doing evil,
(ii) he encourages one to do good,
(iii) he informs one of what is unknown to oneself,
(iv) he points out the path to heaven.

(4) "In four ways, young householder, should one who sympathises be understood as a warm-hearted friend:

(i) he does not rejoice in one's misfortune,
(ii) he rejoices in one's prosperity,
(iii) he restrains others speaking ill of oneself,
(iv) he praises those who speak well of oneself."

Thus spoke the Exalted One. And when the Master had thus spoken, he spoke yet again:

The friend who is a helpmate,
the friend in happiness and woe,
the friend who gives good counsel,
the friend who sympathises too —
these four as friends the wise behold
and cherish them devotedly
as does a mother her own child.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.nara.html