Conversation with those less "mindful"

LostSoul

Hello everyone,

I've been trying to be more at peace and mindful in my day to day life. Its (really) hard sometimes, especially since this is the complete OPPOSITE of how I used to live, but the result is I am more at peace. I used to struggle with a lot of social anxiety, so my solution was to live life cooped up in my room.

So me and my fiance have made it a point to exercise every day (when I can at least, its hard when I have to go to work as I have to wake up at 6am), be more active and outgoing. I have also tried to meditate every day, which helps a lot.

The only thing is, when I do go out in the "public" I find that its even harder to stay present when I'm around people! They are all so attached to their "past", their "future", previous events, what they're going to do, etc. etc. Especially, around my friends (how ironic heh). Everybody seems to be avoiding the present, when I'm trying to live! Not to mention, the anxiety seems to creep up again when I begin thinking how I appear to them - boring and introverted. I know I shouldn't be thinking of such a silly thing, but I can't help it most times.

So, my question for you, is how do you stay present when around other people? I don't want to just give up on my relationships altogether, that's for sure.

Thank you in advance. Live with peace, and blessed be.

Talisman

By noticing these things, you are being mindful. That's the trick to it. Notice what is going on around you. Recognise the times when you are judging others or judging yourself, and take note of the times when you are not.

SherabDorje

I'm sure you can strike a happy medium. You don't have to stay present absolutely all the time- otherwise you'd never get anything done. And you would have difficulty conversing with people . It's ok to go into the past and the future appropriately.

What day are you going to do your laundry? In the future? Buy groceries?

DaltheJigsaw

Interesting thread!

ownerof1000oddsocks

So, my question for you, is how do you stay present when around other people? I don't want to just give up on my relationships altogether, that's for sure.

I forget myself and concentrate on what other people are doing. I take notice of how a person is feeling and remember that they are not really that much different to myself. Everyone wants to be happy and be taken seriously and noticed and listened to, no matter what a person looks like, no matter what a person does we all must find a connection.

santhisouk

Alone or belonging to a group are just perceptions. In reality we are what we are no matter how we see ourselves. It is a good practice to stay in the present because it opens our minds eye to see more of what exists in the present moment. This doesn't mean that it is always necessary for us to do so. Trying to achieve constant total awareness requires a lifetime of devotion to apply it.

aMatt

LostSoul,

It sounds to me like your mind is getting distracted by other people's sense of time. This is normal when we first become present. Just keep meditating and exercising and eventually you will not be distracted.

When I am with someone who is not awake in the present moment I just try to engage them in their language, where they are. I'm not worried about being pulled out of the present. Worry is what does that anyway, not language.

As your roots grow and strengthen, this won't come up. Until then, be present when you can, meditate as you can, and accept that sometimes you can't. Buddhism is called a practice for this exact reason. Its one thing to be awake when we sit alone, quite another to be awake in the middle of chaos.

Patience!

With warmth,

Matt

LostSoul

Very good responses. I might just be a little hard on myself. And probably mostly impatient too. Compassion is definitely one thing I need to work on developing, as that is something I have gone most of my life without.

I find this practice much enjoyable, especially in matters of work. Its so nice to be able to just work, and not worry about rushing to the end of the day as I always used to.

EDIT: A little off topic, but I've noticed that since becoming more present, when I listen to music I have listened to for years different meanings start to rise up. Its really great

Bodha8

Very good responses. I might just be a little hard on myself. And probably mostly impatient too. Compassion is definitely one thing I need to work on developing, as that is something I have gone most of my life without.

I find this practice much enjoyable, especially in matters of work. Its so nice to be able to just work, and not worry about rushing to the end of the day as I always used to.

EDIT: A little off topic, but I've noticed that since becoming more present, when I listen to music I have listened to for years different meanings start to rise up. Its really great

You are doing well and on the right track. Use formal and informal practices throughout the day. There is much literature available regarding mindful eating, mindful walking etc.

The more often you can become mindful and continue to remember to be mindful, the better.

Remember to Remember.

Namase

newtech

Hello everyone,

I've been trying to be more at peace and mindful in my day to day life. Its (really) hard sometimes, especially since this is the complete OPPOSITE of how I used to live, but the result is I am more at peace. I used to struggle with a lot of social anxiety, so my solution was to live life cooped up in my room.

So me and my fiance have made it a point to exercise every day (when I can at least, its hard when I have to go to work as I have to wake up at 6am), be more active and outgoing. I have also tried to meditate every day, which helps a lot.

The only thing is, when I do go out in the "public" I find that its even harder to stay present when I'm around people! They are all so attached to their "past", their "future", previous events, what they're going to do, etc. etc. Especially, around my friends (how ironic heh). Everybody seems to be avoiding the present, when I'm trying to live! Not to mention, the anxiety seems to creep up again when I begin thinking how I appear to them - boring and introverted. I know I shouldn't be thinking of such a silly thing, but I can't help it most times.

So, my question for you, is how do you stay present when around other people? I don't want to just give up on my relationships altogether, that's for sure.

Thank you in advance. Live with peace, and blessed be.

Hello:

Just 4 notes :

- Its wrong to practice mindfulness to beat up some unpleasant feeling, that just will never happen. U are seeing how mind gets pulled by phenomena to understand that it is an impersonal process, and how this process works. The letting go of suffering only comes from directly seeing this as it is.

- It is not enough to be mindfull, if mind gets pulled by phenomena unfit for attention, u should let them go, release that attention. Without pushing, just releasing. No matter how many times u have to do this..

-Again,repeating myself, "thinking" its part of an impersonal process, it is not up to you. Your job its just to note u are thinking in bad things, and let it go, WITHOUT PUSHING.

-It is not up to you what your friends do or not do.

Good luck!.

LostSoul

Hi @newtech - I'm not sure if I really understand what you mean by your first point. I've been practicing living life in the present, and as a result my anxiety is lower. Is that a "wrong" way of practicing?

newtech

Hi @newtech - I'm not sure if I really understand what you mean by your first point. I've been practicing living life in the present, and as a result my anxiety is lower. Is that a "wrong" way of practicing?

Dont get me wrong, being mindfull its a good thing , but its a tool that can be used in different ways, with different outcomes.

If u have social anxiety, u are attached to something. If u are attached to something, your natural tendency will be try to beat it down throw your own personal formulas of what u consider it should be done to overcome that feeling, try to change it instead of accepting and releasing.

(-)= "i will be mindfull so my unpleasant feeling dont arise, that way my mindfullness will crush that state"

(+)= "i will be mindfull, for the purpouse of discerning what mind its doing and how its part of an impersonal process, accepting whatever arises withtout trying to change it, instead, releasing it"

Its a big difference.

Thats all, it happends to all of us in the same way .

With metta.

Fell

Dividing existence into so many separate moments can become quite "hairy". In the end nothing is really soooooo important that you should make yourself miserable over it. You'll be dead soon enough anyway, so just enjoy your conversations with your friends, even if they're "lost on the sauce".
Good luck!

Fell

*meant to say "Lost IN the sauce"
not "lost ON the sauce"

Mountains

A big part of it for me is learning to notice when I'm not being mindful (which is a lot of the time). I try not to judge it, but simply note it ("Huh, I'm not mindful...") and try to remain mindful for as long as possible. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy interacting with others. Be careful not to categorize or judge others (even unconsciously) who are "not aware" as you are - it's an easy trap to fall into. Just be as aware as you can be and let life happen.