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struggling with hard life
Yeah the life is getting to me. I find that I am so tired that my compassion is not broken but worn out. I have had to really think about relationships that I am not getting something I need back. So my boyfriend of 15 months and I broke up. It started with an argument but just really brought out what was underlying it all. I was the one who really pushed, we had talked about him staying over more and working into seeing if we could live together. Meanwhile he hit an emotional block about completing his divorce. I really thought that his reasons were just financial but I think there was more. So after he got some counseling and calmed down we realized we are just too very different, but I hate to say I was really counting on a partnership future partially to deal with my financial situation. Just sharing rent even with me paying the majority because I have kids at home would have been enough for me to quit my 2nd job and not work 7 days a week.
So working 7 days a week, I am exhausted and often angry. I went back to school for my masters in education and finished 5 years ago. I had excellent grades while I took care of my kids and working almost full time. The only time I got a job it was so horrible that I quit in February rather than have the principal blackball me in a major district. I love my job now and am still working at being so frugal that it hurts just so I cn quit the 2nd job. Again a major factor in not getting a teaching job is how different I am, which is wonderful in my new job and field but I have a long way to go with income.
So last night talking to my ex bf (actually just texting) it was hard. He really misses me but also admits there is not a future because of our differences. I thought maybe missing me and seeing a counselor would help that but it is not. Meanwhile being who I am changed him for the better. It got him dealing with things and getting help finally. I think I was good for him and his daughter and if I had never stood up for my needs he would still be my boyfriend across town that would take me out to fun things, but then I would be alone with the hard stuff. I get so frustrated with this world, this is not the first time that I have been 100% emotionally there for someone and made a difference, yet in my marriage and in other relationships I don't feel very supported in my needs. I keep thinking that it will still matter that i did these things but it is always hard to be checking the bank balance for grocery money when you are already working so hard.
Okay, I really don't want to feel sorry for myself. I am just exhausted. I still can't meditate for more than 15 minutes, all my tasks seem to be piling up faster than I can handle them, and now I have one less good thing or hope in my life. So far all the mindfullness stuff has been awesome so i don't live in fantasy and hurt more. 25 years of it has got to have some impact.
So working 7 days a week, I am exhausted and often angry. I went back to school for my masters in education and finished 5 years ago. I had excellent grades while I took care of my kids and working almost full time. The only time I got a job it was so horrible that I quit in February rather than have the principal blackball me in a major district. I love my job now and am still working at being so frugal that it hurts just so I cn quit the 2nd job. Again a major factor in not getting a teaching job is how different I am, which is wonderful in my new job and field but I have a long way to go with income.
So last night talking to my ex bf (actually just texting) it was hard. He really misses me but also admits there is not a future because of our differences. I thought maybe missing me and seeing a counselor would help that but it is not. Meanwhile being who I am changed him for the better. It got him dealing with things and getting help finally. I think I was good for him and his daughter and if I had never stood up for my needs he would still be my boyfriend across town that would take me out to fun things, but then I would be alone with the hard stuff. I get so frustrated with this world, this is not the first time that I have been 100% emotionally there for someone and made a difference, yet in my marriage and in other relationships I don't feel very supported in my needs. I keep thinking that it will still matter that i did these things but it is always hard to be checking the bank balance for grocery money when you are already working so hard.
Okay, I really don't want to feel sorry for myself. I am just exhausted. I still can't meditate for more than 15 minutes, all my tasks seem to be piling up faster than I can handle them, and now I have one less good thing or hope in my life. So far all the mindfullness stuff has been awesome so i don't live in fantasy and hurt more. 25 years of it has got to have some impact.
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Comments
You sound really awesome so give yourself some credit for realizing all of this. Remember one day at a time. And when the world really touches you like say you look out a window and get peace and wonder. Notice those moments remember that that is how things really are and the rest of this stuff is just worries.
I have heard you talk about your job so while its regrettable about money it sounded like you really enjoyed your work. I think I have you right in my mind, the right person I am thinking of.
Definitely don't get involved in married people. As you get back into dating remember to focus on good people who you feel a connection with rooted in mutual concern rather than some heavy strong drama. Thats my advice anyways, I don't know how to explain it. I hope you find somebody to share with you sound awesome.
I have always been the one who finds the wounded puppy and cares so deeply. Lately though the last few wounded puppies have not worked (only one was dating, the other an unformally adopted kid). I just really believed that the whole being married was a glitch because of difficult insurance situations. Well for some of the first times in my life I care more about myself than another persons damage! It is freeing and I am still a good person.
PS i still want my money I loaned to semi-adopted kid back, grr, I was not in the position to gift it and he knew that.
Hopefully, you'll get some help back, and life will start to feel better for you.
Warm wishes. *