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Backtracking in emotional gains
I have begun a much more regular practice in vipassana. I meditate for at least 20 minutes twice a day, recently. I started to see some benefits of increasing equanimity, patience, relaxation, etc. The last few days, however, despite my practice I am feeling emotionally tense, frustrated, and pained. A lot of old hurts are surfacing very readily and it is becoming harder to practice my Buddhism. I want to understand why the meditation is not "working" as I knew it to be working, or if this is just part of the process, or if my ego is trying to assert itself, or whatever. I'm so easily set off the last few days. I have noticed a pattern of thoughts that seems to be overtaking me and turning me in to something I don't want to be. It is becoming extremely challenging to sit with my feelings and look at them objectively. I have a stressful job and recently I increased my working by about three to four hours a week. At the 32 hours I was previously working, it was much easier to maintain peace and equanimity in the face of stress. I was "letting things go", not taking anything too seriously. It was nice, and I felt that I was making good progress.
Any insight and advice is greatly appreciated.
-Emily
Any insight and advice is greatly appreciated.
-Emily
0
Comments
You lose some of your habit/ability to suppress emotions and that’s good.
Imho
Keep going.
Last weekend I heard some people talk about what happened after they had – what they felt was – a breakthrough in their meditation.
They were experiencing strong emotions and it confused them.
The idea was that after we break through some layer in our ego-system; a mechanism of suppression falls away.
I believe in that. I think I went through the same thing (big time) in my practice.
So just keep going and trust your practice.
Imho
Its very usual for us to go through ups and downs in our mindfulness.
As we notice stress arising, we can aim at just noticing it, rather than not experiencing it. Right now, for you, your mind seems to be rejecting the stress, and putting it at odds with your meditation practice. "Meditation is not working, I'm feeling stress." Prehaps you could look at it differently: "Meditation is working, and now I am really relating to my stress as the burden it is."
As zenff mentioned, meditation can uncork the suppression in our minds, which allows us to actually notice the happenings in and around us. That's good! Its regrettable that we have some arisings that appear as stress. I suggest they be treated it as "just another object to release" like we do with thoughts in meditation. Instead of the breath as the meditation object, let the situation actually around your body be the focus.
Also, have you done any metta practice? It can be a help in relating to the situations around us with openness and warmth, eliminating the "oh jeeze, what bullcrap will be next" types of thoughts.
With warmth,
Matt