Self esteem...its place, its got me thinking!

kayward2011

Another post on the advanced has got me thinking about self esteem now and l cant quite get my head around it.

I have low self esteem and self confidence

how would this work within buddhist practice and learning, i did a reply on the other thread about ideal self and real self (i am waffling now sorry) but i am now thinking from a purely action point of view. How would buddhism 'help' to improve my self esteem and confidence?

not1not2

Low self esteem and high self esteem are missing the point to me. Simply knowing what you know and what you don't know, what you can do and what you can't do is enough. And the things you can't do, it's most likely because you haven't had enough interest to put in the time. I've heard the rule of thumb that you need to put in 1000 hours to be an "expert" and 10,000 hours to be a "master". Obviously this isn't a solid number, but it helps me put things in perspective when I see others doing what I can't yet.

DhammaDhatu

buddhism teaches on two levels: (1) mundane/ethical; and (2) supramundane/ultimate truth

on the ethical & conventional level, the matter of 'self-esteem' is important

in the Buddha's teachings, there are positive personal qualities that begin with the word "self"

developing/having self-esteem is related to developing harmless actions & skilful means

when we do actions that cause suffering to ourself or when our hopes do not work out due to lack of skilful means, we feel bad about ourself

so both harmless action and skilful means are important for self-esteem

kind regards

buddhajunkie

Low self esteem and high self esteem are missing the point to me. Simply knowing what you know and what you don't know, what you can do and what you can't do is enough.

But that is precisely the point: People with low-self esteem tend to have a (delusively) low opinion of their capabilities and value.

Thus, since Buddhism is an attempt to eliminate delusion, and since there is some self-compassion practice, it can raise a person's self-esteem from low to medium. However, raising self-esteem from medium to high is a different matter (it is also not necessarily desireable).


@kayward2011 Instead of focusing on self-esteem, I highly recommend focusing on self-compassion and optimism. I highly recommend the book "Learned Optimism" by Seligman. I also recommend either of the two books with the title "Self-Compassion" in their title.

I plan on starting another thread on Seligman's optimism and Buddhism soon.

DhammaDhatu

How would buddhism 'help' to improve my self esteem and confidence?

low self esteem and self confidence can also arise from "self-judgment"

if that is the case, Buddhism suggests to cultivate loving-kindness towards oneself

loving-kindness is the meditation upon friendliness & respect

so, regardless of the qualities of human beings, we cultivate a sense of respect, non-judgment & non-hatred towards them

once we master this, we then apply that same attitude towards ourself

often we offer understanding & respect towards others but not to ourself

often we are critical of ourself when we do not meet some 'ideal'

so we learn to have loving-kindness (metta) towards ourself and accept our life fully

a teaching about this can be found at the link:

http://amaravati.org/abmtrial/documents/cittavivaka/data/12practice.html

with metta

DD

Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings [including ourself];

Radiating kindness over the entire world:
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.

Karaniya Metta Sutta: The Buddha's Words on Loving-Kindness

pegembara

How would buddhism 'help' to improve my self esteem and confidence?


Heedful at administering
or working at one's occupation,
maintaining one's life in tune,
one protects one's store of wealth.
A person of conviction,
consummate in virtue,
magnanimous, free of selfishness,
constantly clears the path
to security in the lives to come.
Thus for one who seeks the household life,
these eight qualities, leading to welfare & happiness
both in this life & in lives to come,
have been declared by the one
whose name
is truth.
And this is how, for householders,
generosity & merit increase.

Dighajanu (Vyagghapajja) Sutta
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an08/an08.054.than.html

federica

Buddhism wouldn't help at all, in any way.
Your implementation of what you learn, how you implement it, and why - would be your best bet.

kayward2011

Buddhism wouldn't help at all, in any way.
Your implementation of what you learn, how you implement it, and why - would be your best bet.

could you be more specific? i am extremely new to Buddhism and really would appreciate some guidance! thanks x

devwil

As an artist, I struggle with self-esteem all the time. It's really easy to worry about if you're good enough, and to beat yourself up.

I remind myself of a few things to keep myself sane. Maybe they'll help you.

1. There's ultimately nothing wrong with being bad at [insert activity here]. The goal of Buddhism is to develop an equanimous mind, so understand that any value judgements anybody places on anything at all are merely conventional opinion and not ultimate truth. Ultimate truth is nirvana, so take refuge in that when you're worried about any silly little lay aspirations you may have :P. Remember: clinging to Buddhism is a form of clinging. Don't worry about if you're being a good Buddhist. There's no God figure judging you. Do your best; be happy.

2. If you're truly equanimous in your perspective, you will love yourself no less than you love others. Metta meditation begins with affirming love for your (conventional) self, and then extending this affection to others, from a family member or friend all the way to a person you have great differences with. What good is compassion if you dislike yourself more than you dislike anybody else?

3. At least you're worried about if you're competent, rather than being 100% sure that you're excellent! It's important to be critical of your own actions and opinions, and it's very healthy in a Buddhist practice, I think. Consider the alternative: do you really want to be so drunk on self-worth that you think you're superior to the rest of the world and entitled to all sorts of material things? No way!

Yishai

I know this video series has been linked quite frequently, but it really makes a lot of sense. This approaches self-esteem and self-compassion in Buddhist terms. I'd recommend watching all parts of the video.



and I also would have to say to watch part 5. It really helped me to distinguish between self-esteem and self-compassion.

kayward2011

WOW thank you so much! that really gives me lots to work with!!!

I love this forum!!! x

buddhajunkie

+1 to Kristin Neff.

It is also important to note that if you practicing "normal" Buddhism without any emphasis on self-compassion, you will be slower to improve your attitude toward yourself. (This is both my theoretical assessment as well as my experience.)

Supposedly, in the day of the Buddha, there wasn't the same prevalence of self-loathing there is today. So perhaps "new Buddhists" should place extra emphasis on self-compassion.

DaltheJigsaw

What works for me is to keep a daily journal or weekly journal.

kayward2011

@buddhajunkie do you think the materialistic world we live in has something to do with it?

@LeonBasin I had toyed with that idea, without seeming to ask a personal question what way do I write it?

tmottes

In addition to self-compassion, it helps to be focused on the present moment. If you aren't comparing your current self to the you in the past, self-esteem (self-judgment) doesn't have much to stand on. If you aren't forming expecting for your future self, then when the future becomes the present, you don't run the risk of judging yourself on how you lived up to those expectations.

driedleaf

In my opinion self esteem should be existent for everyone and it should always reflect how they feel about life. Nobody should ever have to feel they are less of a human being than anyone. I also believe that self confidence in a Buddhist sense should be like living in a blissful and peaceful state that is free from karmic unwholesomeness and non-skillfulness. In other words.. the self that we would want to be existent should at least be wholesome and have good qualities. Taking comfort in the Dhamma and our skillful actions should be all the confidence we need.

with metta