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Mental/Emotional Abuse
I made another topic regarding the same subject matter but now this ones a little more personal.
I feel I have some deep-rooted abuse issues that I just cannot get away from.
I've been recently reflecting on all the relationships in my life and I would categorize most of them as abusive. From a child to present all my relationships follow the same pattern. I'm abusing the other person, the other person is abusing me, or we both abuse each-other. I feel I have a tremendous wound in my being and being in an abusive relationship is the only thing that gets me the feeling of normalcy. It's categorized as abuse but for me I would call it normal. Abusive relationships get your unmet needs met, temporarily I guess.
Only after witnessing normal/healthy relationships have I noticed how off track I am psychologically/emotionally.
A few weeks ago I had to socialize with what I would deem "healthy" people and it was terrifying. It was as if there was this innate drive to bring that person down to my emotional level so they can feel how I feel. The need to control the other person. I just couldn't relate to them at all. There love and happiness drove me insane. I felt like breaking down emotionally I just couldn't take it. I'd be sitting there seeing all these people smile and laugh and love each other and I just couldn't understand it. I felt so alone. I felt angry.
I wanted to relate with these happy vibrant people, but I just couldn't. If they spoke with me I would just bring them down; my tone and expression and lack of life would turn them off.
I did relate with some people, but these people were not happy and were quite similar to myself. Fearful, needy, and lacking love and affection. These people I am used to. These people are myself.
I remember a month back while I was at the airport there was a large group of people who were holding hands, singing and dancing to a lovely song. I could sense the tremendous love in the room and I felt like crying. I just couldn't do it. I held in the pain, like I always do, afraid to express how I truly feel. It's scary. The complete vulnerability.
On the outside I am this cold and insensitive person, when on the inside I'm a little child screaming for love and affection.
I'm dieing inside.
This person that I am is not me, it's the only way I know how to cope with the cards I have been dealt.
I feel I have some deep-rooted abuse issues that I just cannot get away from.
I've been recently reflecting on all the relationships in my life and I would categorize most of them as abusive. From a child to present all my relationships follow the same pattern. I'm abusing the other person, the other person is abusing me, or we both abuse each-other. I feel I have a tremendous wound in my being and being in an abusive relationship is the only thing that gets me the feeling of normalcy. It's categorized as abuse but for me I would call it normal. Abusive relationships get your unmet needs met, temporarily I guess.
Only after witnessing normal/healthy relationships have I noticed how off track I am psychologically/emotionally.
A few weeks ago I had to socialize with what I would deem "healthy" people and it was terrifying. It was as if there was this innate drive to bring that person down to my emotional level so they can feel how I feel. The need to control the other person. I just couldn't relate to them at all. There love and happiness drove me insane. I felt like breaking down emotionally I just couldn't take it. I'd be sitting there seeing all these people smile and laugh and love each other and I just couldn't understand it. I felt so alone. I felt angry.
I wanted to relate with these happy vibrant people, but I just couldn't. If they spoke with me I would just bring them down; my tone and expression and lack of life would turn them off.
I did relate with some people, but these people were not happy and were quite similar to myself. Fearful, needy, and lacking love and affection. These people I am used to. These people are myself.
I remember a month back while I was at the airport there was a large group of people who were holding hands, singing and dancing to a lovely song. I could sense the tremendous love in the room and I felt like crying. I just couldn't do it. I held in the pain, like I always do, afraid to express how I truly feel. It's scary. The complete vulnerability.
On the outside I am this cold and insensitive person, when on the inside I'm a little child screaming for love and affection.
I'm dieing inside.
This person that I am is not me, it's the only way I know how to cope with the cards I have been dealt.
0
Comments
Take care.
The only way out I've found is to learn to give yourself the kindness and validation that you didnt get in childhood. It's a lot of work to change yourself, but it does work.
You're really not that unusual! Its quite normal for someone to be caught up in patterns of control and abuse. Its a tough way to live, though... it feels very isolating.
Consider reading a book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. In the book, she really exposes the drive to control others, how to relate to others, and how to heal ourselves through nurturance and maintaining proper boundries (in our head and relationships.)
I've talked to many people that have described themselves in a similar way, and those that read the book really begin to understand the twists in their view that condition the mind to act like it does.
Good luck, and don't be hard on yourself!
With warmth,
Matt
I still live at home with them but there is no relationship. I am like a comatose zombie. My parents still talk to me as if I am a little child and deny me any freedom. They know nothing about me, only this person they want me to be. Any time they sense any independence from me I can sense there insecurity and rage.
They don't care if I'm not happy, they don't care if I don't even like them, all they care about is if I'm staying at home doing as they say. It makes them feel secure I guess.
Every decision I make goes through these secondary voice in my head which is my parents controlling voice. I can't do anything without second guessing myself and thinking what my parents will think and what the repercussions will be and what will happen as a result.
I live in a nice home with them and they do everything for me. Making food, cleaning, doing my clothes, paying for things. It's not out of love, it's out of fear they want TO CONTROL ME. When I don't act in correspondence to how they expect I should behave they get very hostile and threatening and abusive.
It's as if I'm trapped. I have the means to run away and support myself living on my own, I very well know I can do this. I just don't have the emotional strength and support to do so. They act as if they love me and will do anything for me but they love to see me hurting and destroyed. I have feelings of wanting to kill them. I feel as if I am in a mental prison with my parents being oppressive prison guards.
I can see my grandparents controlling my parents life and my parents controlling my life and I want to break the cycle. I don't want to life in this perpetual cycle of misery. It's just so scary I don't know where to turn I don't know what to do.
Sure, you can say just get up and leave. But it's not that easy there voice of control will still be in my head doubting me every-second of the way. I just cant get rid of the voice no matter how hard I try. My mind is not my own.
I went to China last month and I could sense great insecurity and fear from them. They were still able to control me. They wanted Skype calls everyday which I obliged. Sure, you can say you could have just said no Skype calls but it's not that easy. If I say no, no Skype calls then comes the questioning and interrogation and threats and eventually its just worth it to succumb and give them what they want. Even if I decline the Skype calls they are still controlling me in that I am purposely not answering there calls out of the need of not wanting to be controlled. But even having to think about it shows I am being controlled. There is no respect for my individuality. I have no liberty. Striking a deal with them is impossible. To them I have no independent self. I am a third arm extension of themselves.
There are no personal boundaries between us. When they speak to me they speak to my gut. When they open there mouths I feel sharp pains in my stomach. When they come home I sense fear. When I see them I sense fear. When they talk to me I sense fear and control. I feel like killing them.
However, during my trip to China there were a few moments where I would describe as being in total freedom. I felt the voice of control eliminated from my psyche and it was if I didn't even know who my parents were talking to when they were messaging me. I felt like my true self. I felt peace and love. There voice of control could not penetrate my being. It was absolute freedom of self. It didn't last long tho.
I remember when I returned back home and tried to describe my experience of China to them nothing got through. It was if in order to communicate with them I had to psychologically reformulate my experience in order to meet their expectations of what they believed my experience in China to be like. If they knew the truth they wouldn't be able to handle it. They don't want to know the truth. They truth will destroy them.
The more freedom I express, the more fear I sense in them. I'm trying to get that freedom mindset back but it's hard when I have to constantly battle them everyday.
I feel if I can obtain what I would call my liberated mindset I would be able to go through with my plan of getting away from them permanently without doubt or regret. However, right now I don't have that power. I wish I did.
I WILL break free from this psychological control and emotional abuse. The right mind set and courage is all it takes.
I feel better already. Thanks for reading.
Attached is a picture of me while in China. I would describe it as one of the few moments where I experienced complete freedom. Nothing mattered in that moment. I was happy.
[removed by Lincoln at member's request]
Well, what keeps me living in their house is that they make me. It sounds absurd but that's how the family works. Every personal ordeal is a family ordeal. There is no individuality.
If I tell my parents "Hey mom and dad I'm moving out". That doesn't compute. I don't have that autonomy to that from their perspective. They don't respect my own decisions.
It would then become this big manipulative ordeal where they would "allow" me to move out on my own. But that doesn't solve anything, they still have control, hence their allowance of me to move out. They would decide on where would be acceptable for me to move and what the rules would be and when I would come home and things I should do etc.
So then the only true way to obtain freedom would be to leave on my own terms without even telling them and eliminating all communication with them forever. And I know the damage and devastation I would cause not to mention the difficulties I would bring upon myself if I so chose to do that.
It is ultimately fear that is holding me back. It's either eliminate your family from your life and live on your own. Or stay connected with your family while they abuse you and continue to control your life.
I feel trapped.
If I were to leave cold turkey without a trace, I would probably cause my parents to have an emotional breakdown and who knows what they would do. Without me, their lives have no purpose. Without this possessive love for me they would have nothing. They are dependent on me for their emotional needs.
I would literally be killing them. They wouldn't know what to do nor understand what was going on. They probably wouldn't even believe I had left fully.
You don't have to tell them before hand. Just setup everything and on the day you plan to leave, say I have found a place and I am moving out. Don't tell them where either. Let them know that you will visit when you feel you have had time to settle in (This is CRUCIAL; give yourself time to adjust and feel the freedom so if/when you do go back you have the strength to keep the situation as you want it). This will give them some time to process everything. I had a roommate a while back that I had to "ground" from returning to her abusive parents house. Obviously she could do what she wanted, but she knew I loved her very much and wanted only the best for her.
Make sure you can afford to live on your own. Think about utilities, internet, transportation, etc. Consider looking for a room to rent, which will make it cheaper. If you do make the decision to leave, don't waffle. When you tell them, be resolute and firm. Don't argue with them. It isn't up for debate. You have made a decision and are going to see it through.
Ultimately, you have to decide what is best for you. Let them worry about their expectations, they aren't yours. I am not saying don't love them. Don't care for them. Just realize that by sticking around you aren't helping yourself or them.
Yes, you are right. This is what I must to do.
I just need to build my strength and muster the courage to do it.
Thanks for your post.
jgpp
This past week I had decided that I was going to leave for good and actually had convinced myself I could do it.
I wrote a quick letter packed some stuff and thought I was on my way.
The mindset didn't last long and eventually I could hear the negative voices in my head telling me to go back that I don't know what I'm doing etc. etc. Everything I was doing was getting filtered through their voices in my head.
Extreme fear set in and I just couldn't take it. I was doing things to get away from them all the while I was in the mind set that I couldn't get away from them. I didn't believe in myself. I found myself in this old run down hotel with no clue on what I was doing nor where to go or where to turn. I felt hopeless so I returned home.
I have no support or no friends so it's very hard to keep my mind straight for when the desire to go back to what I know persists.
I'm now back at home and everything is if it's back to normal. No acknowledgment of the letter I wrote and the things in it. My parents are just happy I'm here and they feel very secure now. I feel secure also, but I know it's not for the best.
I feel I'm very co-dependent like my parents so being completely on my own with no support network is extremely frightening. The voice in my head says if things don't fall through you can always just go back. So the belief that the relationship is fully ended is not really there.
There's a constant battle in my head for my mind.
I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless.
I think if you spend some time getting on top of those critical thoughts, as well as trying to establish some kind of social support network so you have people to help you, then you will be better prepared for success the next time you make a break for it.
Your parents are really toxic and i know you probably just want to get the hell out of there, but the more times you return home with your tail between your legs the harder it's going to be to leave the next time. You come across as really intelligent and resourceful and I have no doubt with a bit of planning and preperation you can get out of there for good and reclaim your life.
What i found helpful is not letting them do stuff i don't absolutely need for me - at least for me it is part of the controlling thing. If i take anything from them, even something they just pushed into me without me ever desiring it; they will expect something in return, and will throw it at me when i would do something that would threaten their view of how i should be. Even then, i avoid them knowing of me doing whatever i feel they wouldn't want me to do - even to the extent of never telling them what i read or am interested in. I have no problem talking to people about those topics, and i realized this is not a case of lack of honesty (which is how i felt at first) - interests of mine they disagree with they would take as if i, by doing them, somehow took something from them, and therefore i owe them something in return. If they ask, i tell. If they don't ask, we talk about something else.
About not taking what is absolutely necessary - if they do it for you without you asking for it, you will need to be quite creative should you try this suggestion out. Do they cook dinner for you? Tell them in advance you have to do something (they otherwise agree with, for example look up something in the library etc) and just make yourself unavailable. Do they want to wash your clothes? Buy a fabric softener and tell them you just adore the smell and would absolutely find it horrible if they smelled any other way - tell them it helps you concentrate if you have to study or makes your workplace (but never criticise) smell more normal. If they try to wash your clothes with your softener, put it away in a place that is slightly illogical for it to be. Or even take it with you or hide the clothes.
Of course i don't know how your situation looks like - but in mine starting to do this changed things a lot =]
Moving out is what young adults are supposed to do. At least you have the means; you say you're capable of supporting yourself, and all. So ... just do it. Like tmottes said.
Take that little child in you that's desperate for love and affection, and give that child a safe place to live. Take care of that child. If you don't, who will?
By staying home, you're being an enabler to your parents' dependency on you, their enmeshment with your personality, their abuse, all of it. ...just an observation. Make a break for it, jgpp--freedom is just around the corner! Ignore those voices in your mind. You know what's best for you. Go for it! You can do this! Do it for that little child.
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver
Wednesday morning at five o'clock
as the day begins
Silently closing her bedroom door
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more
She goes downstairs to the kitchen
clutching her handkerchief
Quietly turning the back door key
Stepping outside she is free
She (we gave her most of our lives)
is leaving (sacrificed most of our lives)
home (we gave her everything money could buy)
She's leaving home after living alone for
so many years (bye bye)
Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown
Picks up the letter that's lying there
Standing alone at the top of the stairs
She breaks down and cries to her husband
Daddy our baby's gone
Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly
How could she do this to me
She (We never thought of ourselves)
is leaving (never a thought for ourselves)
home (we struggled hard all our lives to get by)
She's leaving home after living alone for
so many years (bye bye)
Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away
Waiting to keep the appointment she made
Meeting a man from the motor trade
She (what did we do that was wrong)
is having (we didn't know it was wrong)
fun (fun is the one thing that money can't buy)
Something inside that was always denied for
so many years (bye bye)
She's leaving home (bye bye)