How to get over someone you have feelings for...

pain

I had very strong feelings for a girl. These emotions were so intense that I couldn't really make a move or interact with her comfortably.

I just watched her for last 2 years and just found out that she's now with someone through a friend.

It's bittersweet. It's saddening, yet liberating in a way.

I spent so much time fantasizing about her and now there are thoughts that linger in my mind... "what if i made a move? what if i was more confident? what if I was more attractive?" and so on..

I still have to see her daily at school and it feels awkward to see her.

Any advice or thoughts will be appreciated. Thank you.

Spaceless

Love in the first sight is always that amazingly unforgetable sweetness of love. But you should give yourself a chance to let another girl room in your sweet heart, though still with her in sight

robot

Is she married to this person? Its not over till its over.

Epicurus

You can rest in the knowledge that being with her wouldn't make you any happier in the long run.

pain

You can rest in the knowledge that being with her wouldn't make you any happier in the long run.

how could one determine such knowledge?

footiam

I just watched her for last 2 years and just found out that she's now with someone through a friend.

.

I think you have missed the boat. Just move on.

GuyC

Hi Pain,

The reason you are suffering is because you were attached to the idea of her being with you. You had invested so much mental energy into thoughts and fantasies of her and you, living happily ever after, you created a sense of self out of these thoughts and fantasies.

So what can you do about it?

Sincerely wish for her happiness. By that I don't mean "sincerely wish her happiness...after she breaks up with her boyfriend and gets in a relationship with you". No, I mean "sincerely wish her happiness...unconditionally...whatever she does in life".

If you can give her unconditional love and acceptance then you won't suffer over this any more.

Metta,

Guy

Still_Waters

It must have been quite uncomfortable for you to live with those feelings for two years. Perhaps next time you are attracted to some young lady, you might consider simply talking to her and letting her know you are interested. It might not have been easy to reign in your feelings enough to say something articulate to the object of your affections, but surely it would have been better to at least make the attempt rather than just sit on the sidelines until some other brave soul made a successful move.

I would suggest you let her go for now and concentrate on getting out and socializing more. The more at ease you become with people, the less likely you will be struck with social paralysis in the future.

Alan

Cinorjer

You give it time, and learn from it. You understand that emotions like this have nothing to do with reality and everything to do with our desires for what reality should be.

I'm struck that you say that you "have strong feelings" but that's not the problem. It's what sort of strong feelings. If those strong feelings are love, then no problem. When you love someone, then you want them to be happy. You might feel longing for a relationship, but for whatever reason you know it's not possible, so you focus on her happiness when you're around her.

But I don't think that those are the feelings you have. I think jealousy is somewhere in there, and anger at her and yourself and the unknown man in her life now. After all, you lived for years with your attraction to her without having a problem being around her. So first, know that your emotions are the problem, not her lack of ability to read your mind. So you're uncomfortable being around her now? Tough. That's not her fault, again. Smile, be polite, be happy for her, and work through your emotions. It's not the end of the world.

But mostly, I'd say meditate about the truth that the girl of your fantasies and the girl in reality are not the same thing. Confusing our fantasy world and reality is one of the most common mental traps we must struggle against. You've been presented with a valuable opportunity to learn. Some lessons hurt.

Hope this helps.

Cloud

Love and hate both can fade with time, especially if you find a new object as the center of your affection.

taiyaki

it is never as good as in your head.

you like the idea of her. the idea you've created. the feelings you've created.
all of it is in your subjectivity. your mind and body.

the great lesson would be to see through all this by going for it.
by enjoying the ride and then following the inevitable conclusion.

even all good things end and sooner or later you'll realize that the idea you had of her never lived up to the reality.

what you think and feel is yours alone thus a deep aloneness.
we interpret such aloneness as loneliness thus we find ourselves infatuated with external things.

we avoid what is inside us our whole lives. we can only go inwards deeply once we realize that there is nothing out here that will bring us freedom.

so you can read all these messages. but at the end of the day you have to throw yourself into hell and figure it all out by yourself.

because there is only you and your mind. not to say others don't exist. but your suffering is yours alone.

man i sound so cynical. just woke up from a long sleep though.

pain

it is never as good as in your head.

you like the idea of her. the idea you've created. the feelings you've created.
all of it is in your subjectivity. your mind and body.

the great lesson would be to see through all this by going for it.
by enjoying the ride and then following the inevitable conclusion.

even all good things end and sooner or later you'll realize that the idea you had of her never lived up to the reality.

what you think and feel is yours alone thus a deep aloneness.
we interpret such aloneness as loneliness thus we find ourselves infatuated with external things.

we avoid what is inside us our whole lives. we can only go inwards deeply once we realize that there is nothing out here that will bring us freedom.

so you can read all these messages. but at the end of the day you have to throw yourself into hell and figure it all out by yourself.

because there is only you and your mind. not to say others don't exist. but your suffering is yours alone.

man i sound so cynical. just woke up from a long sleep though.

That does sound bit cynical or sadistic but i think there's a lot of truth to it.

However, I do want to pair up with a good companion but i'm not sure if that's a natural desire or just unhealthy attachment.

gekko

It's hard to get over someone we like, but you shouldn't have gotten to attached to the idea of being with THAT girl. It was just a fantasy, right? You didn't make a move, but don't worry, there are plenty of girls out there.

My mother once told me: the best way to heal such pain is by falling in love with another girl.

Epicurus

You can rest in the knowledge that being with her wouldn't make you any happier in the long run.

how could one determine such knowledge?

Knowing that true happiness doesn't come from romantic relationships. Which, of course, doesn't mean they are worthless and not worth something.

LightOfFlower

Hi. I'm sorta the same. I've been in love with someone for 5 years and only physically met him once but talked on the phone for the past 3 years in a long distance relationship. Now we are not "together" anymore but I love him still, so very much and long to be with him. But I know that there is hope. I think there is always hope. And I practice patience. This is key. Trust your feeling to be real feelings and I think since you're the man you need to be the assertive one. But also in saying that be patient with yourself as well. One step at a time. I think a loving kindness meditation will relax you and maybe bring peace to you. That's what I suggest. I will think of you and wishing you love in my meditation tonight.