When you don't like someone.

mynameisuntz

I feel kind of embarrassed making this, but I think it's important given the Buddha's teachings. There are some people in this world who it seems we aren't really destined to get along with, and have a tough time respecting for whatever reason.

When it comes to people you simply do not like, how do you approach them? How do you approach the situation? Do you accept that you dislike this person and try not to let it interfere with your emotions (giving rise to anger or irritation)? What's the process?

vixthenomad

Hi there! I think it is always worth asking yourself why you have grown to dislike that person, and whether those reasons still apply. (It's probably worth doing this for people you like, too.) I have often found, for example, that people I dislike on first acquaintance turn out to be really great people, and vice versa.

vinlyn

I feel kind of embarrassed making this, but I think it's important given the Buddha's teachings. There are some people in this world who it seems we aren't really destined to get along with, and have a tough time respecting for whatever reason.

When it comes to people you simply do not like, how do you approach them? How do you approach the situation? Do you accept that you dislike this person and try not to let it interfere with your emotions (giving rise to anger or irritation)? What's the process?

Over the 20 years I was a school administrator, there were always a few people each year that I really didn't like or respect. It might be a lousy teacher. A repulsive behaving student. An obnoxious parent. An incompetent administrator-colleague. Etc. But guess what...with extremely rare exceptions, they never knew how I felt about them. Because I always challenged myself to do my job in a professional manner. I still worked with the lousy teacher. I still interacted with the repulsively behaving student. I still had to deal with the obnoxious parent. I still had to associate with the incompetent administrator-colleague. That's what I was being paid big bucks to do.

My point here is that, again with rare exceptions, we can get along with people if we want to work at it. The question is, why do you fail to be successful sometimes?

Still_Waters

Some people have a knack for hiding their true feelings and are quite skilled at conveying warmth and friendliness even to those they dislike. I was never good at that. However, even I can usually manage a polite neutrality around difficult or unpleasant people.

A couple of things help. First, I make a point of always being respectful of others, whether or not I feel they deserve it. Behaving rudely or disrespectfully to others is a sign of poor character and poor self-control. I cannot control how others behave, but I'm certainly responsible for my own behavior. Second, when I start to feel irritated, I find it helps to run metta phrases through my head, for both me and the object of my irritation:

May I be happy.
May I be well.
May I be safe.
May I be peaceful and at ease.

May he/she be happy.
May he/she be well.
May he/she be safe.
May he/she be peaceful and at ease.

Regular metta meditation also helps soften your reactions to others.

Alan

ravkes

For me, liking and disliking is something that just comes automatically. Just my intelligence trying to figure out if me and the other person will be a good fit - personality wise. That's about it.

Why get angry? Why disrespect them? Why give rise to these things?

Just accept them for who they are, and if it means that you don't want to hang out with them because you find them annoying then don't. If you don't have any option just be chill about it. No complications.

aMatt

There are some people in this world who it seems we aren't really destined to get along with, and have a tough time respecting for whatever reason.

When it comes to people you simply do not like, how do you approach them? How do you approach the situation? Do you accept that you dislike this person and try not to let it interfere with your emotions (giving rise to anger or irritation)? What's the process?

The way I approach this is to look at the difficulty as my own. If I am thinking thoughts about others which are troublesome, they are my responsibility. People don't have solid "selves" which make them incompatible with my solid "self". I notice my mind is acting too self-involved to make the space it takes to accept who they appear to be in the moment. Also, I remember appearances can be deceiving when my self is involved.

People bounce off each other as they look to find the happinesses of life. If we're bouncing off others, its because we're pushing that self into our environment unskillfully, which we have the ability to still through our continued mindful practices.

riverflow

Pema Chodron on tonglen:

http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/tonglen1.php

trinity333

Maybe you have a predisposition on some form of stereotypes and this may be a good clue to get to the root of your mind why you lack compassion for some.

footiam

When it comes to people you simply do not like, how do you approach them?

Approach them like a human.