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Taking pride in one's appearance
I have recently befriended a very physically beautiful woman (effortlessly beautiful even au naturale, but she still tries to enhance her looks). I feel... insecure and self-conscious of my appearance around her. (But she's a wonderful person and I appreciate her friendship.)
I haven't been one to really enjoy dressing up and wearing make up and all of the superficial, surface things that society tells women they should enjoy. I normally feel free to dress presentably and maintain good hygiene, but put little emphasis on vanity. I have noticed that the presence of certain people influences the directions I take, or causes me to experiment with different ideas. My mother-in-law, for example, is a very "earthy" person and feels no need to go out of her way to look especially beautiful. She's just herself. I admire this, and it re-affirms my confidence in my decision to more or less take myself as I am.
However, I find myself wanting to "look prettier" around this new, physically beautiful friend of mine. The difference isn't that great-- I might put on some mascara, a little bit of eyeliner, but that's about it. I'm getting my hair cut today and I chose a style that I think is flattering for my face, vs. one that might not be so flattering. It's also easy to maintain and will look good if I just wash'n'go. Let me get to my point...
How do we find the balance between taking care of ourselves and sheer vanity? Is the answer to my quandary to just... change nothing? How should I go about choosing a hairstyle (or clothing, or glasses frames, or shoes, etc.) that is not detrimental to my practice? Am I over-analyzing?
Thanks in advance.
-Emily
I haven't been one to really enjoy dressing up and wearing make up and all of the superficial, surface things that society tells women they should enjoy. I normally feel free to dress presentably and maintain good hygiene, but put little emphasis on vanity. I have noticed that the presence of certain people influences the directions I take, or causes me to experiment with different ideas. My mother-in-law, for example, is a very "earthy" person and feels no need to go out of her way to look especially beautiful. She's just herself. I admire this, and it re-affirms my confidence in my decision to more or less take myself as I am.
However, I find myself wanting to "look prettier" around this new, physically beautiful friend of mine. The difference isn't that great-- I might put on some mascara, a little bit of eyeliner, but that's about it. I'm getting my hair cut today and I chose a style that I think is flattering for my face, vs. one that might not be so flattering. It's also easy to maintain and will look good if I just wash'n'go. Let me get to my point...
How do we find the balance between taking care of ourselves and sheer vanity? Is the answer to my quandary to just... change nothing? How should I go about choosing a hairstyle (or clothing, or glasses frames, or shoes, etc.) that is not detrimental to my practice? Am I over-analyzing?
Thanks in advance.
-Emily
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Comments
no matter how much you think you are outside of society's views, all of these things trickle down into our daily decisions. 'should i or shouldn't i go that extra mile before i walk out the door?' but i think what really matters is how YOU feel about it. are you 'dressing it up' just to be more like your friend? are you trying to fit in because you are ashamed of yourself? or are you just inspired by your friend to be a little more girly? do you enjoy how you look? do you enjoy how you feel when you take extra time to get ready?
at the end of the day, i think you need a combination of both of these attitudes. sometimes, i like to feel pretty and walk out the door with confidence knowing my outfit rocks... but i never want to be one of those girls who feels like crap about herself when she doesn't have time to put on makeup. the only way i can really achieve this balance is to do some mental checking. i don't think there's anything inherently wrong with wearing makeup (i actually read of a study that showed that many people found more attraction to high contrast eyes and lips, which is exactly what makeup does), but just make sure that you're not focusing on it as your only sense of self esteem. because we all know, looks are less than permanent. what i really think is important is to express yourself in a way that you feel confident about so that when you walk out the door, you know who you are. if you're putting on makeup just to be more like your friend, that's not being true to yourself. BUT if your new friendship has inspired you to explore makeup as an avenue for self expression, then i don't see anything wrong with that.
on a side note, i am wondering... what would choosing a haircut/glasses/shoes that are not detrimental to your practice involve? finding the ugliest/most boring thing you can out of fear that you might take pride in choosing the one you really like? that just seems silly to me.
A beautiful woman is breathtaking when in another man's arms.
The same woman in my arms is stunning.
A year later, the same woman is very attractive.
5 yrs later, the waitress looks more attractive than the woman in my arms.
Beauty is fleeting.
The mind is fickle.
Perhaps you are each other's signposts to the 'Middle Way' of feminine beautification!
How do we define grasping at this moment? Am I grasping if I feel attached to my beauty, if I can't go out without putting on makeup?
Thank you for helping me to define my question a bit further!
Its up to you how much effort you want to put forth. Monks aren't allowed perfume or adornments, but the monastic life isn't for everyone. Its all up to you. Do you think its a detriment?
Think about it this way: what would the Buddha do? Now, it'd make sense that he at least attempted to look presentable (as I'm sure no one would want to listen to some man who looked like a raggedy old hobo). Though, he wouldn't be doing this because looking good empowered his ego (as with most people). Would the Buddha have worn jewelry and made himself look all nice and done-up? Most likely no, because in all truth, putting on make-up and trying to look sexy or anything is typically just a power-trip for the ego (as harsh as that may sound). Remember, middle way, middle way, middle way.
Monks don't do it, but as a layman its fine. If you want a relationship, go and dress nicely. If you want a classy job, then dress nicely. If it makes you (ego) feel good, go ahead.
It all depends on how far you want to go, how much effort, etc. Its totally up to you. You already have the path to awakening, so do what you feel is right. We can't tell you what to do, only you can tell yourself.
Just be aware that the desire to look "prettier" is just a branch of a tree that has deeper root. Where is the desire coming from? What will you get out of looking pretty? More attention? validation? acceptance? What is it that you're seeking through looking pretty? Where will it get you?
Trying to judge and eliminate desires is a futile effort. Once a teacher said, "if there is no joy in letting go, don't let go." You obviously feel that you will get more joy out of looking pretty than letting go of the efforts to look pretty.
I encourage you to look as pretty as you can to your heart's content if that is what you desire for now. Just continue with your practice and strengthen the skillful qualities in your heart. As you continue through the practice, you may find that such desire is weakened all by itself without you repressing it.
You don't really need to conform to the prevailing culture. The prevailing culture is built on commercialism, and selling you stuff you don't need or even want. I read an article that said French men prefer women without makeup. They like the natural look. They hate it when all this pink foundation smears the pillow, and suddenly the woman's face has morphed. That shows that advertising in the US has really done a number on women's minds, where you're supposed to believe you're not completely dressed and ready to greet the world until you have 10 different kinds of makeup on, and they keep inventing more to make your look "complete". It's a racket. No amount of makeup in the world can cover up a difficult personality. Personality is the important thing, and it sounds like you;re on the right track there.
That said, some people need makeup. If there's acne or other issues, one shouldn't feel guilty about touching things up so you can feel better about how you look. But if you already look great, why go to the extra fuss (and expense)?
It sounds like your new friend is making you feel insecure. Focus on her and your personalities, your and her good qualities.
A bit of history: make-up used to be just for actors and actresses. It also had the reputation of being for women who sell themselves. Mass marketing make-up didn't exist until around the 1940's, when Max Factor, make-up artist in the Hollywood studios, invented easy-to-apply purse-sized makeup kits. For a long time, for some people make-up carried that early stigma of not being appropriate for "respectable" women. I'm not making this up. I was raised around relatives and neighbors who didn't wear make-up, except a minimum for special occasions. Even wearing lipstick was frowned upon. I'm not making this up, lol ! So I've never thought about wearing make-up until a while ago, when health issues caused me to have dark circles under the eyes that I wanted to cover up. I started to study make-up, and had a long PM-ing session with Zombiegirl that was helpful. In the end, I found that most make-up needs to be touched up throughout the day, causing you to always be fussing with it, always pulling out a mirror. It's not worth it, I decided. It seems to turn people into narcissists, always wondering if everything's perfect, do I look ok, has this or that worn off, flaked off, or smeared. Your awareness becomes more centered on me, me, me. I wasn't comfortable with that.
RE: clothing preferences--that's natural. Go with what you enjoy. Don't guilt yourself. Buddhism isn't about guilt. The Dalai Lama spends a lot of money on nice shoes, fancy watches, and stylish glasses. He doesn't worry about it. This may or may not be a good example he's setting. But everyone needs shoes and clothes, you might as well choose what suits your taste. You are a unique person, let your uniqueness show.
My three daughters are permitted to experiment on my face with makeup regularly. It puts me to sleep and after waking up, it is cleaned off.
But, there was this one time... The kids wanted some cheese pizza. So, I woke up got up and left to buy the pizza carry-out........ When I got back with the pizza, low and behold my three precious daughters greeted me with screaming and belly laughs. They laughed even harder when they saw the shame on my poor son's face, which finally reminded me to clean the makeup off. It was the best pizza they ever had.
:P
On a buddhist level, with regular practice I'm finding that these issues becomes less important as my sense of self weakens and my ego loses it's grip. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen