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What happened to my personality
LostSoul
Veteran
Hi guys,
I'm wondering where my personality went. I try to enjoy the company of others, try to have a "personality" so that my time will be enjoyable with others.
Then I find buddhism, and I find that if I want to stop suffering, I need to basically give up this "personality".
But how do I give up my "personality" (which really is pretty lost anyway...) but at the same time, be a fun and outgoing character?
I'm lost.
I'm wondering where my personality went. I try to enjoy the company of others, try to have a "personality" so that my time will be enjoyable with others.
Then I find buddhism, and I find that if I want to stop suffering, I need to basically give up this "personality".
But how do I give up my "personality" (which really is pretty lost anyway...) but at the same time, be a fun and outgoing character?
I'm lost.
0
Comments
Alan
We all have to decide what we want to do at some point, our "goal" in following Buddhism. The world we live in right now is one of likes and dislikes, pleasure and pain, happiness and suffering. Most of the things we do are for the sake of being happy, which includes our desires to socialize, party, have sex and the like (others have the same desires, and so we come together for some temporary happiness). It's this world and this striving to be happy that breeds suffering, and the Buddha's primary concern was the cessation of that suffering.
Your situation sounds like wanting to eat junk food but also wanting to lose weight. Going on a diet will only be helpful if you accept that your "wants" regarding eating junk food are a worse option than committing to the diet. Buddhism is the diet... if you don't want to diet, you're free to eat whatever junk food you want, but your mind and body will pay for that choice at some point. Does that help? It's all a choice; continue on as normal, or seek an end to all the needing (which includes the need to find acceptance).
It all comes back to the Four Noble Truths. The best reason to follow Buddhism is because we see no end in sight to our constant striving to be happy. Buddhism shows us that our craving, our likes and dislikes, are the reason we have to constantly strive. Until we realize this is indeed true, we'll continue on doing the same things to seek temporary relief. It's only when we've had enough that we commit to a practice like the Noble Eightfold Path, and that's an entirely personal decision.
We don't lose our individuality, we just grow in a new direction, just as a child grows into an adult. We have to give up some childish things along the way though. Our self-based wants are just the adult version of a child's toys.
"There are some peculiar notions about what constitutes 'being spiritual.' I have a cartoon on the wall of my office that shows two people having dinner in a restaurant. One of them is saying to the other, 'It's such a relief to meet someone who isn't on a spiritual quest.' I agree. There is an enormous possibility of getting side-tracked into self-conscious holiness, of putting energy into acting the part of a 'spiritual person.'
"A dear friend of mine, as he has become more and more established as a meditation teacher, has become less and less hesitant about telling people he loves football games. He even admits he gets very excited about the games, cheering at his television set as if he were sitting in the stadium. No dispassionate attitude of 'May the best team win' for him! I know he has a wonderful level of understanding, and he behaves like a regular person in a regular world. being a meditator and developing equanimity do not mean becoming weird."
Alan
Don't mistake having fun and being outgoing for happiness. Some of the loneliest and most unhappy people are the ones you see as the "life of the party" or the "class clown". Eventually the party ends and the people giving applause find something else to do, and your problems are still there.
Your personality is what it is. It's all the skandhas of the mind in action, doing their unique thing. You can't lose it any more than you can capture it. It is you, your emotions and desires and habits and consciousness in action.
Buddhism won't make you popular, but it won't get in the way, either. That depends on who you chose to hang out with. A Buddhist practice does make it easy to get along with people who appreciate civilized behavior.
small steps. many small steps. lightly. great joy.
I confess, I'm very loud and extroverted. I love being with my friends. I love watching movies with them, going out for meals, or yacking in coffee shops. I am a member of a sangha where it is quite surprising we manage to stay quiet for meditation, given the number of loud, bouncy people in the group.
You may envy my excess of "personality", but when I was younger I always wanted to be quiet and shy, and not be always putting my foot in it and being tactless etc. If everyone though something, but were too polite to say it, you can guarantee I'd spontaneously come out with it - and everyone would be embarrassed. I hated my impulsive, noisy nature sometimes. It was like my mouth ran away with itself!
But as I've matured, I've realised that part of the Buddhist path is learning to accept yourself as you are, and then using that as the raw material. It depends how you look at it: both quiet, introverted types and noisy types like me are necessary in a community. There are listeners and there are talkers: there are the wild types to get the party going, and quiet types to calm down their excesses.
I would recommend you work on showing compassion and lovingkindness to yourself, as much as anyone else. Learn to forgive your faults and to think about how you can use your natural talents for good. It is all about perspective: there is no good or bad personality, just different personalities.
And yes, you do have a personality. Buddhism, or any other spiritual practice won't change that fact.
Namaste
Don't think in term of long term goals. Don't think about your practice as...well....a practice, something you are getting better at. Think in terms of the moment. When you are in the midst of people is there a problem? Are you trying to "keep yourself in check"? If you are, don't. And if you simply feel less drawn to people or getting less of a kick out of it, what's the real problem in that? Or is that you want to be able to enjoy their company more?
Either way, you won't get rid of your personality. Because personality isn't ONE coherent thing. It's a bunch of things in your brain. Buddhism isn't about tackling each of those things....because that would be an endless battle. And buddhism is not about battling but making peace.
I can see myself asking similar questions like the one you posted, and the best advice I can give you, is ask yourself what is important to you and follow that. Everytime there is an apparent contradiction just drop whatever story is in your mind of why you should do this or shouldn't do that....breathe in and out....and then follow your intuition.
I think I lack self-confidence, but more "social" self-confidence then anything. I can do anything I put my mind to, I have a very successful life so far, have a good paying job and am very young, a wonderful life partner. But something just seems missing. I tend to "snap" go crazy, get super angry quite often. Its gotten worse, and I don't want to end up like that!
Some days I try hard not to be like that, and then others I go who the hell cares right? And just let it all out. But I end up hurting the ones close to me in the process, and so I go back to holding it all in, until it all comes out. Its a never ending process, but gets worse and worse.
Buddhism seems to help, but sometimes I wonder, what's the point? Sometimes I think its just spiritual mumbo jumbo. But maybe that's just my "ego" talking, wanting itself to be strengthened in my mind.
Anyway, your guys advice is good. Meaning I've "lost my personality", I mean I just can't seem to get along with people. Everybody seems different to me, while myself, I just seem like a boring introverted lame-o who can't get a decent conversation going.
Thankfully, nothing really matters and I seem to be doing OK in life. But it just seems like something's missing.
Well thanks for listening and the answers. I better get back to work
maybe it hasn't gotten , worse - maybe you've become more aware of it....and thats the first step in letting go of it.In that moment of noticing is the the choice to express that craziness or anger or not ...and then reap the consequences down the road, as well as creating the "drama' that ends up hurting others and making your life complicated.
Every moment you can buy yourself in reaction time,is a choice to free yourself of creating harmful karma or to choose to respond more compassionately.Even if you may not feel compassionate, a kind reaction can begin a cycle of positive relationship with others that makes the whole world run a little more gently.
The more you simplify your life, the more space you allow for joy....and that may be whats "missing"